I give up. Guys, like, what do you actually expect from me? I’m pretty sure Chris Harrison was wearing a satin black tie from Men’s Wearhouse, Cassie didn’t even bother changing clothes between countries, and my 14-month-old son has a better grasp on syntax than the next Bachelorette…and he only knows six words.
I. Give. Up.
Do you really want me to recap this entire two night fiasco? Because there was literally less content in those four hours than in the average 2 hour episode. The only person who seemed to remotely care was Ben Higgins, who clearly is vying to take over Chris Harrison’s role as Host once Chris decides to step down– and I quote my older brother- “go all Scrooge McDuck swimming in his piles of money.”
Alas, I’m 3 glasses deep and can use writing as an excuse to ask my husband to do the dishes tonight, so here’s what went down.
When Cassie broke up with him, Colton stole Professor McGonnagal’s scarf and took himself on a pity walk through the dark streets of Portugal. I’ve taken the same pity walk a few times in my life as a hormonal adolescent, and let me just tell you that if production hadn’t chased him, he’d be even more mad than he acted when they found him.
Once a cute brunette producer who Cassie’s definitely a little jealous of now comforts Colton and quietly reminds him that ABC will sue him for his life and first born child if he quits the show, Colton tightens up.
Chris Harrison chats with him the next morning as if serious threats hadn’t been made, and Colton turns back on the acting skills– the same ones that helped him convince a few viewers in the midwest that he is, in fact, a virgin. (We’re done pretending we believed him right?)
He breaks up with Tayshia and Hannah G using the exact same line. “I can’t be in love with two people, and I love Cassie.” He says he’s being brutally honest out of respect, but like, I think Tayshia and Hannah G would’ve appreciated a little less respect. Case in point– I’m pretty sure my ex-boyfriend broke up with me because I made him “homemade enchiladas” using Tostitos Salsa Con Queso as the main ingredient, but to this day I’m grateful he didn’t specify my blatant culinary shortcomings as the nail in the coffin. Sure I never got closure and cried over him for nine full months, but at least I can proudly cook terrible food for my husband and still partially convince myself that he likes it. (WOW these 3 glasses of wine are making me mighty rambly this evening YOURE WELCOME.) Anyway, Colton could’ve backed off the specifics a bit if you ask me.
Tayshia joins Chris Harrison at the live viewing show in Los Angeles, looking a little pissed, which we later find out is because at this point she knows for sure that she’s not the Bachelorette. Her hair and makeup is all glam, and– don’t hate me Caelynn– but she could’ve easily won Miss USA with that look.
No one listens to a word of her closure conversation with Colton because we’re all too busy wondering why someone glued a few pigeon feathers to his scalp, or as Colton describes it, “a new haircut.” When will people with thin hair recognize that a flat iron isn’t their friend? I SAY THAT OUT OF RESPECT.
Next, back in Bachelor Land of Portugal (the amount of screens and time-hopping I’m supposed to keep track of here is honestly a bit hectic), Colton changes his shirt so it doesn’t smell like Tayshia’s tears, and prepares to break up with Hannah G.
The conversation is literally verbatim what he said to Tayshia, except Hannah G is a little sassier and I appreciate that. I almost don’t recognize her without Colton’s tongue down her throat, but perhaps there’s a little steam in that engine after all! Could it be…personality?? Hannah GGGG getting.with.the.program. (Not to be confused with Kevin G, though they’re both talented rappers.)
Back onstage with Chris Harrison, Hannah G really lets her Alabama roots shine BRIGHTLY with her chandelier rhinestone earrings, and she puts on a lovely performance of genuine(?) emotion about her break up with Colton. I listen intently for the distant screams of Hannah B backstage as they rip away her dream of being the Bachelorette to replace her with Hannah G. But too little too late, and poor waify Hannah G is left wondering why the girls who eat carbs are the two winners this season. (Btw Hannah G if you ever read this plz know I have a girl crush on you and I’m just as bitter as you are that Cassie can eat bagels and look as good as she does.)
To kill some time, all of the guys who would’ve been better Bachelors than Colton show up for a chat with Chris Harrison. Is Ben Higgins wearing a cream silk boatneck shirt beneath his blazer? Edgy for a software salesman, Ben. Not sure you pulled it off, but A for Effort.
ONTO NIGHT TWO! WOW CAN YOU BELIEVE WE’RE ALREADY HALFWAY THERE??
Colton knocks on Cassie’s door wearing the same shirt he was wearing when he broke up with Hannah G. Why does this kind of feel like not showering between fantasy suites? Just me? Not a big deal?
Cassie obviously knows he’s coming based on her sly smile when she answers the door. Colton tells her he broke up with the other two girls, and she starts laughing.
Cassie is savage, y’all.
He continues by quoting one of my favorite memes:
If I must quote with accuracy, he says “I’m just sitting here, asking for a second chance.”
SORRY COLTON SHE’S A SALAD NOT A CUPCAKE.
He tells her he wants to take it slowly. Day by day. And in his first very slow, no-pressure move, he invites her to Spain to meet his parents.
She obliges but only because Spain is really pretty!
To further prove her indifference to this entire operation, Cassie breaks all Bachelor rules and regulations by wearing the exact same long sleeve white thermal in Spain that she was wearing back in Portugal, airplane travel sweat and all. I used to have a white thermal too, which is the ultimate shirt to show off nice boobs paired with a washboard stomach. Ah, to be 23 again.
Colton tells his family that he’s no longer a virgin, then pulls a “PSYCHEEE” which is incredibly awkward and I hated every second of it. He explains that they’re about to meet Cassie, who doesn’t love him, but he sent the other smart, hot women home. His parents wonder where they went wrong.
When Colton and his parents keep referencing his “last relationship,” are they talking about Aly Raisman or Becca?
Cassie ran out of turtlenecks and thermals so she begrudgingly puts on something halfway cute and prays it won’t make Colton like her even more. When she meets his parents, she cries in the first five minutes. Things are going well.
Everyone is skeptical, but hopeful that Cassie will magically wake up and actually like Colton after their very last one on one date. Good news is that I’ve heard relationships tend to be more successful if the guy is slightly more into the girl than she is into him. Don’t ask me who I’m getting relationship advice from.
Colton takes Cassie repelling down a cliff, and manages to scream in a higher pitch than she does, even making her be the first one to begin the intimidating descend. And he wonders why she doesn’t find him attractive…? Luckily her leopard scrunchie gives her super powers to allow her to safely guide Colton and herself to the ground, where she tells him that not only is she not ready to be engaged, she’s not even ready for a committed relationship.
Kirpa, Katie, and Tayshia chuck their wine at the screen.
Colton stays optimistic because his contract says he must. That night, he sits in front of a menorah during dinner, and invites her to join him in the fantasy suite. They giggle and walk towards their room, quickly hanging a sign on the doorknob that says “No Molestar.”
Listen, I don’t speak Portuguese so I feel like they should’ve had subtitles for that sign.
The next morning, Colton tells cameras to “use your imagination” for what happened in the fantasy suite. EW I CERTAINLY WILL NOT.
Over breakfast in bed, Cassie tells Colton that her calf still hurts. Excuuzee? I begin to feel insecure about my own effort put forth in the bedroom. Perhaps I’m doing something terribly wrong.
The season ends with Colton and Cassie kissing in bed. No rose ceremony. No proposal platform with colorful drapery and woven baskets. I FEEL BETRAYED.
They join Chris Harrison on the live aftershow, seemingly in love. Cassie is now certain of her feelings for Colton, and they’re living near each other–but not together– in Los Angeles. Most notably, Cassie decided to start wearing makeup, which took her from perfectly gorgeous to unbearably perfect-looking. Cool. Thanks for that, Cass.
I would get into the entire display of ridiculousness that was the “big ending” with confetti and ’80s soft rock band Air Supply, but I don’t have the energy to try and capture it with words.
We find out that the next Bachelorette is Hannah Beast. Unfortunately, she still can’t utter a coherent sentence. It’s either going to be the best or worst season in the history of Bachelorettes– no in between. I miss JoJooooo!! If I end up recapping her season, Lord give me strength.
Over and out.