In the last 24 hours, the National Passport Agency denied my son’s passport for a trip we’re taking in 9 days (even though I submitted it 8 weeks ago), and we found out we have to dig up our entire front yard to replace our sewage pipe. Meaning no water (shower, dishes, toilet) until that happens. It’s been a lot of fun to deal with, and I’m very sorry I didn’t have time to write this recap on Tuesday nights like I normally do.

Trust me when I say I’d rather talk about the hair follicles in Colton’s chin during his close-up selfie videos than deal with a flooded bathroom and travel documents.

Colton’s shaky hands and painfully close confessional video left me in want of a selfie-stick, which feels like an obvious necessity in the ABC Bachelor budget…alas, we’re stuck looking up Colton’s nose and learning about the formation of his scruffstache.

I’m not sure the airplane flying them back to Denver can carry the weight on Colton’s shoulders regarding a rumor that some of the girls are here for the wrong reasons, but luckily this was filmed before TSA stopped doing safety checks during the government shutdown.

Back in the good ole US of A, we are met by the most American thing possible: Ben Higgins.

Former Bachelor ” The Perfect Ten Ben” greets Colton at a bar, looking a bit more jaded than the fresh-faced sweetie we once knew before Bachelor Nation got a hold of him. By this point, his winner Lauren B has already jumped forward two relationships, landing in the lap of a country singer whose haircut really highlights the fact that Ben is just a software salesman working under fluorescent lights in Middle America.

But let’s be honest, the best relationship advice comes from people who’ve never had a successful relationship, so this meeting will serve Colton well. If you can’t do, teach!

Instead of giving advice, though, Ben just tells Colton that the worst is yet to come and it never gets better. When Colton tells Ben he’s falling in love with multiple women, Ben quotes his favorite book:

Lol okay Ben, sorry but Colton knows better than to repeat your mistakes. At least you guys dressed like twins, that’s cute!


The girls meet Colton in a park wearing their favorite casual outfits, like a see-through mesh top with a black bra beneath, and sweaters that keep everything warm but their shoulders.

They all get to meet Colton’s dog, but only Tayshia gets to join Colton for a one-on-one date of wine-tasting and making out in front of a fish market. Literally nothing makes we want to make out less than the smell of dead fish, but once again this isn’t about my personal preferences.

Colton orders sparkling rosé at the bar, which gives us one more piece to the virgin puzzle!

Back at the house, besties Caelynn (Miss Carolina) and Cassie are trying to figure out who Katie was warning Colton about when she left him with the parting words “some girls aren’t ready for marriage.” I’m still trying to remember who Katie even was every time her name comes up. Anyhoo, C&C conclude it can’t possibly be them, because Katie (?) wasn’t even friends with them!

After the fishy makeout, Tayshia has no qualms telling Colton that Caelynn and Cassie are the fame whores Katie was referring to, because she knows they’re her biggest competition. How dare they talk about how fun it is to be on the most popular show on television. How dare they want to travel the world. How dare they not know 100% if they want to marry Colton by now after each having exactly 1 date with him!

I’m feeling betrayed because I loved Tayshia, but now she and Kirpa (and the Ghost of Katie Past) seem to think they’re better than everyone else and I’m forced to stop rooting for the underdog. Colton pretends to enjoy the rest of his time with Tayshia as they cook dinner in an AirBnb, but really he’s only thinking about the charges she made against Cassie and Caelynn because they’re his favorite.

Caelynn gets the second one-on-one date card back at the hotel/house, unaware that Tayshia is currently talking smack to Colton on their date. Her bff Cassie bursts into tears, but promises she’s happy for Caelynn.

The morning after Tayshia’s one-on-one, Kirpa and Tayshia both put on their black-rimmed glasses to further prove that they’re, like, way more mature than anyone else in the house, and Kirpa promises Tayshia that she’ll throw C&C under the bus, too, the next time she sees Colton. Girl gangs have to stick together.

Cassie is left alone with the wolves as Caelynn meets Colton for a day of snowboarding. God, these dates suckkkkk. Smelling dead fish and bruising my tailbone are honestly the two worst things you could ask me to do (besides jump to my death or eat bugs, as noted two episodes back).

Colton loves long walks on the beach and stirring the pot, so naturally he tells Caelynn that Tayshia, Katie, & co. said she’s only here for the flat tummy tea and parties with Miley Cyrus’s sister, Brandi.

Caelynn reveals an unspoken alliance with Demi (miss you girl) by spewing off to the camera that Tayshia is a “desperate TWENTY-EIGHT year old.” The age bracket for cougar town is dropping faster than Colton’s pants in the fantasy suite.

Last minute, a date producer was able to reserve an old restaurant pantry big enough for a table for two, so they threw a few candles on the shelves and called it a win. At least they’re not forced to cook in at an AirBnb like the night before.

Caelynn tells Colton that she’s falling in love with him, and all his fears about her motives are immediately washed away. Magic! He tells her he’s falling in love with her too, then takes her to the Red Rocks Amphitheater for a private concert by an actual real-live artist who I request on Alexa all the time, Brett Young.

This is a legitimately cool experience, so the date producers have redeemed themselves. 10 points Gryffindor!

Sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself. The Hogwarts Express makes an appearance later in the episode, so you have that to look forward to.

The third one-on-one goes to Hannah Miss Alabama, meaning she’ll definitely go home because he hasn’t sent a girl home on a one-on-one yet, and that needs to happen.

But before Hannah B can prance off to get dumped on national television, we first need to see Caelynn confront Tayshia for telling Colton that she’s an Instagram ho.

Honestly both girls look stunning and clean for this conversation. Like, their faces have minimal makeup but perfectly even skin, and their hair is wispy after a fresh wash. Sadly, their conversation isn’t as pretty as they are. Tayshia doesn’t apologize. Caelynn doesn’t budge in her denial. Both agree to hate each other until the end of time, but in calm, low voices so not to ruin their chances of being the Bachelorette.

Colton decides to bring Hannah Miss Alabama to meet his parents in order to raise her hopes and increase the shock value of sending her home. Savage, Colton.

I bet she regrets wearing a crop top once she realizes she’s meeting the parents. At least it’s a long sleeve crop top so her arms are warm.

Colton’s dad tells him to trust his gut, and his gut is telling him to keep Hannah B around for the night portion of the date because when else are you going to eat dinner inside of an airplane hangar??

She wears a pale pink silk gown with pointy shoulders and long sleeves. How many pink satin/silk outfits can one girl own??

Colton lets her reiterate to him that she’s falling in love, then uses that as a segue to break up with her. Excellent. Super nice. She tells him that some of the girls left aren’t to be trusted, because I’LL BE DARNED IF CAELYNN BEATS ME YET AGAIN.

The group date is a 4-on-1, with Marsha Brady (Hannah G), Been Kissed (Heather), Cassie, and Kirpa all vying for 2 Hometown Roses.

We can all agree that Been Kissed and Kirpa are going home right?

The setting reminds me of watching Bernstein Bears Christmas as a kid. Do Coloradoans hike up those mountains in search of the perfect Christmas tree? Isn’t Colorado where that one guy recently killed a mountain lion with his bear hands? Did you guys hear about that?? That was CRAZY!

I digress.

Colton pulls up in the Hogwarts Express to greet his dates. Instead of going for the lumbersexual look I expected, he wears a scarf dangled around his neck in a fashion that does not help keep him warm whatsoever. This is almost as annoying when girls wear their jackets without their arms in the sleeves. Like, what are you even doing?

After they arrive in Hogsmeade, Heather immediately tells Colton she’s not ready to take him to Hometowns, and shows herself out (after stealing one more kiss omg!) by hopping on the caboose of the Hogwarts Express and slowly gliding away. This is exactly how I wish I could always make my dramatic exits from any situation in life.

Kirpa stays true to her word, and uses her time with Colton to throw Cassie under the bus per Tayshia’s request. These girls are ruthless. This is a serious mission to take down C&C in the first degree.

Colton kind of cares but kind of doesn’t because he has no feelings for Kirpa and all the feelings for Cassie.

Cassie is actually kind of adorable when trying to defend herself to Colton, and also when she confronts Kirpa– even with a massive glob of mascara beneath her eye. If Kirpa tried smiling once in a while, maybe I’d be more prone to listen to her side.

We don’t even see Colton interact with Marsha Brady before the night portion of the date, which means editors are working hard to make this feel like the 2-on-1 that never materialized this season. She gets the first of the two roses the second that they all sit down for dinner, and then he sends her back to the hotel so it can be a proper 2-on-1.

Kirpa vs. Cassie. Is this even a question? Colton almost lost his virginity on a sandbar with Cassie, meanwhile he’s still not sure he’s saying Kirpa’s name correctly.

Just because every coffin needs a nail, Caelynn decides to crash the date and tell Colton that Tayshia and Kirpa are mean girls, and she and Cassie deserve roses. Full girl gang status. Caelynn didn’t want to see her girl Cassie go home. That was quite a move. Taylor Swift would be proud. Can Colton just marry both of them for a Sister Wives twist at the end? Now that would be the most shocking ending in Bachelor history, Chris Harrison.

Colton doesn’t even bother joining Kirpa and Cassie for dinner at any point. Instead, he spends the date getting the juice from Caelynn, then comes back and sends Kirpa home because #duh.

WHERE THE HECK IS MY FENCE JUMP?? WHY IS THIS EPISODE OVER WITH NO MISSING PERSONS CASE??

I hate this show. But I love this show.