When this episode begins, I 100% forget that I’m not watching Bachelor in Paradise. Between the brightly colored rompers, sweaty foreheads, and endless pillows in an outdoor living room, I was just waiting for Chad to burst in and say “F*** you, Chris Harrison!”

Alas, Chris arrives in a suit instead of a billowy shirt with linen pants. He meets Colton on the dark beach, where Colton pretends to be upset that his two least favorite girlfriends are fighting. Back in the colorful hut, Onyeka starts yelling at Nicole for telling Colton that she’s a bully. I’m not sure the yelling helped her case.

Once the girls do basic math based on the 7 roses sitting on the tray (does that tray travel with them or do they find a new tray in each country? Also do all countries have fresh roses? I suddenly found myself brimming with questions), they determine that two women are going home. Conveniently, Nicole and Onyeka are two women.

The roses go to:

  • Hannah B, Miss Alabama (group date rose)
  • Heather, Been Kissed (one-on-one rose)
  • Cassie (one-on-one rose)
  • Caelynn, Miss Carolina
  • Tayshia
  • Kirpa
  • Demi
  • Hannah G, Marsha Brady
  • Katie
  • Sydney

Little do we know just what kind of spiral Sydney is about to experience this next week after being last in line to receive a rose.

Onyeka and Nicole march their way straight to Paradise while everyone else hops on a plane to Vietnam. Colton immediately dons his turquoise chubbies for a slow mo beach scene that leaves me wondering how his massive upper thighs got so tan.

The first one-on-one goes to Marsha Brady. Things start innocent enough in her floral pink romper, but soon she and Colton are pushing the limits on how far they can take things before producers resort to a fade out with audio-only moaning. All in a public spa, mind you.

She’s so small and he’s so big. I feel like if they were to sleep next to each other, he’d have to be careful like I am not to accidentally squish my 4 lb maltipoo.

After they get mostly naked and wrapped in some giant leaves, Colton says he’d eat her sushi roll. I feel violated. They wrap things up with a make out session in a mud bath that conveniently hides their hands, followed by an outdoor shower– a running theme of the season.

Cassie and Caelynn are back at the house talking mad smack about Hannah G aka Marsha, saying she’s a shallow betch who has relied on her beauty throughout her life. People are going to tear Caelynn apart for saying that since she’s a beauty queen, but I don’t want to get in the middle of a beauty queen vs. Instagram model debate. I’m obviously biased.

That night, Hannah G tells Colton that “opening up isn’t my jam,” but she manages to tell him that one time her mom drove the car through her dad’s perfectly manicured lawn, and that was the moment she knew they were truly getting a divorce. As a new homeowner and married woman, I GET IT. That’s messed up.

Colton gives her the rose and they both tell the camera they’re falling in love with each other. It’s getting real, y’all.

Group date:

  • Cassie
  • Heather, Never Been Kissed
  • Tayshia
  • Caelynn, Miss Carolina
  • Katie
  • Hannah B, Miss Alabama
  • Sydney
  • Demi

“Are you ready to fight for love? – Colton”

This means Kirpa gets the next one-on-one. Demi throws herself into Miss Alabama’s bosoms to cry, and Sydney sinks deeper into her depression.

And I sink deeper into my depression when I see Hannah B’s ab muscles.

Props to Caelynn for rocking a tennis skirt.

The spandex-clad group-daters arrive in a courtyard to find Colton kung fu fighting some blue ninjas.

Miss Alabama is very excited, because last night she went to sleep as Hannah B, but this morning she woke up as Hannah Beast!!

She is a gift.

My girl Demi has been having a hard week. She’s emotional about her mother being released from federal prison. Also Colton didn’t give her a one-on-one. Plus she’s running low on lip gloss.

When the girls are paired up for a boxing match, Katie pummels Demi to the ground. Demi curls up in a ball, all of her usual feistiness completely knocked out of her. We’re left with a fragile 90-pound girl who may or may not stolen the identity of a 23-year-old in order to escape the reality of her difficult life. This theory gains evidence when that night, Demi has Colton call her mom with her so she can hear her voice for the first time since being released from federal prison. The way she talks to her mom highlights that she’s been looking after herself for her entire life, and I really want to give her a hug.

Colton gives her a kiss instead of a hug. However, he gives Katie a hug during their one-on-one time, which seals her fate.

Sydney and Tayshia spend the evening talking about how they’re the girls in the house with the most depth, shooting glares over at Hannah Beast as she’s showing Colton more of her karate moves. I’m just waiting for her hot pink jumpsuit (the second hot pink jumpsuit she packed, btw) to split right up her behind.

Sydney decides to get Colton to like her by scolding him for not giving her enough attentions. The sure way to capture a man’s heart!

After she realizes she didn’t help her case, Sydney decides to send herself home before Colton can do it for her. She leaves him with ominous parting words to not be distracted by the “shiny” girls in the house who aren’t ready to get married.

Tayshia gets the group date rose.

One-on-one date with Kirpa involves a lot of snorkeling and little-to-no chemistry. I want her to be the Catherine to his Sean, the slow burn that turns into two babies and hilarious Instagram captions, but I think we all know that’s not going to happen. None of the girls in the house think she’s coming home from the date, but she lucks out and gets the rose he would’ve given to Sydney.

Since the one-on-one was uneventful except for Kirpa telling Colton she was engaged to a different virgin at one point in her life, producers convince Demi to go take Colton’s v-card. Demi decides that’s a great idea, and she’s the perfect girl for the job!

In her shiny disco Vans and a bubble-gum pink top from Limited Too, Demi marches herself over to Colton’s bedroom looking like a 7th grader all gussied up for a night of spin the bottle. She greets Colton as “Coco” which surely deserved more attention. She tells him she’s falling in love with him, and he responds with “I appreciate that.” Yikes.

She accepts his rejection gracefully as he tells her he only dates women of the legal age, and she gives him the same ominous warning Sydney did: Don’t choose the safe girls in the house. They won’t make you happy in the long run.

Colton starts to panic because he thought Sydney was talking about Demi. But who could Demi be talking about??

Demi heads back to her hotel room to pack and cry into the arms of Hannah Beast. Hannah G (Marsha Marsha Marsha) is in a deep sleep and very confused as to why this cryfest is happening in her bed, but she groggily sits up and pretends to care.

No cocktail hour since what’s the point without Demi there to piss off the other girls?

Colton puts on a tie with one string of flowers printed down the front of it and I actually hate it so much that I’m writing about it.

Rose Ceremony:

  • Hannah G (one-on-one rose)
  • Tayshia (group date rose)
  • Kirpa (one-on-one rose)
  • Hannah B, Miss Alabama
  • Caelynn, Miss Carolina
  • Cassie
  • Heather, Been Kissed

Colton walks Katie to her rejection limo in the rain, attempting to use the side of his jacket as a wing to cover her head like a papa penguin. She gives him the same warning as Sydney and Demi: Don’t choose the girls in there who aren’t ready.

Colton goes white. Who are they all talking about??

Tayshia and Kirpa make a pact to “take this thing” and be the last two standing. Looks like it’s a battle between the non-blondes and the blondes.

Teasers for next week show that we finally get to see Colton jump over a fence in a fit of rage! We even get glimpses of producers trying to calm everyone down. I’m so ready.