As they sunbathe and gossip in scattered pods, I am pleasantly surprised to see that so many of these young ladies are comfortable bearing their stress baby hormones wine-induced zits and eyeglasses on television as they enjoy a warm cup of coffee and a date card speech from Chris Harrison.

The first group date goes to:

  • Katie
  • Heather, Never Been Kissed
  • Hannah B, Miss Alabama
  • Courtney (just had to Google who she was)
  • Kirpa
  • Tracy the Older Woman
  • Demi the Evil Fairy
  • Caelynn, Miss Carolina

I’m looking for lifes greatest treasure. – Colton

Listen, if I were going on a treasure hunt, I’d dress warm in the name of safety, but these girls take a different approach. Each of them clad in only spandex capris and a sports bra, they arm themselves for adventure with mimosas and self-tanner.

They arrive at Pirate’s Cove and I immediately think to myself that there must be cooler things to do in Los Angeles, California, but alas we watch Colton zip line onto an indoor-pirate ship and fake sword fight a few guys whose dream of acting on television has finally come true.

The women scream in giddy wonder as they watch their brave sailor slay the plundering thieves. Glad we’ve progressed so far in society.

Next, the women are instructed to put on pirate attire and compete to save Colton from being tied up in this warehouse forever. The feminist redemption was only momentary, however, because we soon see Demi in a crop-top Smee costume calling the other girls “Yo ho hos.” I almost can’t be mad at that pun. Pretty solid.

Colton clearly likes Caelynn Miss Carolina the best, which sends Hannah B Miss Alabama into a spiral because there can only be one queen.

Insider fact from one of my pageant friends: The feud between these beauty queens is very real.

The top two yo-ho-hos are chosen to compete in a final battle for Colton’s freedom, and the lucky women are: Caelynn and Tracy.

In her costume, Tracy looks like the Queen of Hearts and Jack Sparrow had offspring, so we all know Caelynn’s going to win this thing. She does, but she does not win Best Kiss. After she unties Colton, she goes in for a kiss, but he hesitates. So she hesitates. Then he tries to go for it. But she hesitates again. Eventually they find each other’s lips but I might as well been watching me figure out how to greet my great uncle.

I guess I should’ve mentioned that the other girls are eating giant turkey legs while watching this go down, and at one point Demi chucks her meat onto the stage-boat. There was a LOT happening.

That night, the girls put on cocktail dresses and Tracy puts on a different pirate costume that a bad stylist told her was a sleek oversized red blazer. Colton makes a toast and says “their personalities are really coming out” in the same way I describe my infant son and niece.

While Colton dives right into rubbing Katie’s leg despite an obvious open wound on her shin, Demi and Tracy immediately get into it in the other room. Demi (23) tells Tracy (31) it must suck to be an older woman.

Nevermind the fact that Demi is literally wearing the same ice blue glitter dress I wore to my 8th grade winter formal.

Colton’s outfit isn’t much better, since he decided to wear a pea green suede button down…but I almost didn’t notice it because he was busy getting blindfolded and paddle-spanked by Demi.

I immediately have flashbacks to the time I was at a bachelorette party and the bride got spanked so hard with a wooden paddle that an ambulance was called and we spent the rest of the night in the Emergency Room. This is a true story, guys. Make good choices.

Caelynn and Colton share a less awkward kiss during their one-on-one time, but it’s quickly tainted by Hannah B, who is just shocked as to why Colton could possibly like a woman who was literally voted hotter than her by a panel of judges.

Thank you Hannah B for inspiring me to use this word at least once a day for the rest of my life.

She decides that the best way to get Colton to like her is to tell him why the girl he likes more is the worst. She seems very surprised when her plan backfires, and he gives the group date rose to Caelynn.

Word of advice: Watch this show before you go on it.

ONE-ON-ONE date goes to Elyse, the cougar red head.

“Elyse, Love is in the air. – Colton”

Weak.

They take a helicopter to San Diego, where they spend the day at a carnival with a bunch of adorable children. Elyse says she’s a “smitten kitten” watching Colton with the kids, but can we all agree that she stole that phrase from Rachel?

Elyse acts like she’s about to bungee jump off the top of the Empire State Building as she and Colton approach the top of the 20 ft baby roller coaster. Do what you gotta do to make him feel like a man, I guess.


That night, we find out that Elyse’s sister died after developing cancer while pregnant with her second child, so she couldn’t get treatment in order to keep her unborn baby healthy. It’s horribly sad.

She gets the rose, then they go make out in front of a crowd as they dance to a country artist no one has ever heard of.

GROUP DATE 2:

Tayisha

  • Nina a blonde
  • Catherine and Catherine’s forehead
  • Syndey
  • Onyeka
  • Cassie
  • Nicole
  • Caitlin

“For every strong man, there’s an even stronger woman. – Colton”

Hannah G aka Marsha Brady doesn’t get a date, which is weird because she’s one of Colton’s favorites. I don’t think Bri the non-Aussie got a date either, but that’s not even mentioned so I’m 98% certain she’ll be sent home this week.

The women take the party bus to a warehouse where they find Colton “topless” (is that the right term for a dude without a shirt on?) flipping tires and flexing his biceps. He looks like a baby Hercules.

This date involves working out, which sounds like my idea of the worst date ever.

Since we’re in the mood to steal phrases from previous seasons, Cassie points out that Colton is not a stretching virgin once he’s through spreading Sydney’s legs as far as they will go. Which is quite far.

This episode is bringing up a lot of traumatic memories for me, like the time a girl in 5th grade told me my side split looked more like a v-sit.

Naturally, the girls have to compete in wedding-themed fitness challenges, like pushing a 100 lb cake (I’d rather eat a 100 lb cake) and pulling a limo like a horse and chariot. Onyeka wins because she’s built like an Olympic trackstar, and the rest of the girls only work out to look good on Instagram. (Same.)

The losers have to pull Colton and Onyeka in the limo, and I’m just waiting for one of them to get squished, Mean Girls style.

That evening, the only women Colton has chemistry with are Tayisha and Cassie. Right now, Cassie is my winner. She is so natural and cute, and you can really tell he’s not trying as hard to be “cool” when he’s with her.

Caitlin’s conversation with him is hi-lar-i-ous.

Colton: So what’re you looking for in a relationship?

Caitlin: Someone who will just party with me and my friends.

Colton: So is there anything in your life that has shaped you into the person you are?

Caitlin: Nah, my life has been really easy.

Colton sends her home right then and there. But like…she deserved it.

Group date rose goes to Nicole, which really validates me because she was the only unathletic one on the date.

The next day, there’s no cocktail party. Instead, it’s a pool party! Demi douses Colton in oil, and I’m very very concerned for his blonde-man’s skin.

Colton only gets about 10 minutes of annoyingly splashing all the girls before the pageant war begins.

Hannah B Miss Alabama tells her minion, Never Been Kissed, that there’s a “beautiful monster” inside of her that’s about to come out.

Do you think she knows Olivia?

Little miss Never Been Kissed is the ultimate Gretchen Wieners, just completely feeding Regina’s rage. “Are you really going to let Miss Carolina talk to Colton about you??”

Words Caelynn uses to describe Hannah B: Toxic, manipulative, fake.

Words Hannah B uses to describe Caelynn: Toxic, manipulative, fake.

I can promise you that no one watching cares as much about this feud as Colton does. He acts like he’s choosing between orphans and puppies. He spends the rest of the afternoon crying to Chris Harrison because he doesn’t know who to believe.

Rose ceremony picks:

  • Hannah G
  • Tayisha
  • Katie
  • Cassie
  • Kirpa
  • Sydney
  • Demi
  • Tracy
  • Courtney
  • Heather
  • Onyeka
  • Hannah B

We say goodbye to: Catherine, Nina, & Bri.

Next week the girls finally get to travel and continue ruining the reputations of Americans across the world! In Singapore, Hannah B Miss Alabama points to a giant leech on her stomach and calls it Caelynn. I look forward to almost throwing up when I watch that scene unfold next week.