I never thought I’d hear myself typing this, but I miss contemplation shots.

Instead of watching Colton stroke Catherine’s Pomeranian on a scenic walkway, the opening scene is Colton shirtless in bed, making a glorified Instagram story of himself talking to his camera selfie-style. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love a good Instagram story, but the blatant desperation to keep up with the times is almost on par with Tracy’s need to find a husband before she turns 32.

Contemplation shots never go out of style because they were never in style. Sit on that for a sec.

Anyway, once I hear the girls yell Colton’s name in unison from the balcony, I know that not all is lost for this show to maintain its timeless glory.

The ladies sit around eating breakfast, eagerly awaiting the first date card. Cassie has a bagel on her plate, so the other girls sit as far away from her as possible so not to ingest bystander calories.

The first group date goes to:

  • Demi the evil fairy
  • Bri the non-Aussie
  • Tracy who needs bangs
  • Elyse the Alaskan redhead
  • Hannah G with the first impression rose
  • Nicole from Miami
  • Onyeka the snorkel girl
  • Catherine & Catherine’s forehead

“You never forget your first date.” – Colton

I guess we should go ahead and expect most date cards to have a virgin innuendo.

Tracy wears her favorite Indiana Jones hat, while half of the girls wear their favorite forest green shirt. Did I miss a theme, or is explorer-chic a new thing?

They walk into a theatre where they’re greeted by comedians Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally. Their dry senses of humor are met with squeals and blank stares from our delicate group of 23-year-olds.

The girls are told to write a story about the first time they did something, which they’ll then share with a live audience that evening. This assignment is daunting not only because they’ll be onstage, but also because most of these girls haven’t used a pen and paper since the 3rd grade. I’m pretty sure schools stopped teaching longhand by the time they graduated elementary school.

Based on their stories, I can only assume that most of the women resorted to drawing small doodles to represent what they wanted to say.

Elyse talks about how Colton is the first time she’s dated a younger man. Hannah G talks about how Colton is the first guy to ever make her feel special because she couldn’t get dates to her school dances. Is this Hilary Duff in A Cinderella Story all over again? Because I’m pretty sure Hannah G was the hottest girl in her high school and there’s NO way she flew under the radar, but we’ll just go with it I guess. If we accepted that 27-year-old Chad Michael Murray was a high schooler, we can accept anything.

Onyeka and Catherine have an awkward cat fight on stage. I particularly wanted to crawl into a hole when Catherine knocked over the mic stand like she was Beyonce but instead it just felt like vandalism.

Demi the evil fairy decides to walk off stage and kiss Colton at the end of her story, but that’s not nearly as concerning to me as the white bedazzled lace on her jeans.

Back at the mansion (RIP), Hannah B aka Miss Alabama gets the first one-on-one:

“True love is on the horizon.” -Colton

Alternate date card lines that would’ve been way better:

“Let’s mount.” – Colton

“Come follow my happy trail.” – Colton

“We can both be on top.” – Colton

Just a few ideas on the fly. Call me, ABC.

Before we get to see Miss Alabama fail at the interview portion of competition, let’s wrap up the group date.

Demi decides to wear a purple dress from the Westworld costume rack, which conveniently includes fringe tassels for her to twittle while Tracy calls her immature for playing with the group date rose sitting on the table.

Tracy confronts Demi (of course), who tells the camera that she could tell Tracy was mad “because she had a frowny face on.” I mean, she wasn’t wrong.

Meanwhile Elyse tells Colton that the girls 27 and up share a room that they call the Cougar Den, which makes me a little insecure but this isn’t about me.

Even though Colton still likes Hannah G the best, he gives the group date rose to Elyse because someone once told him redheads are crazy in the sheets.

Colton picks Hannah B up for the one-on-one at the mansion so that all the girls have time to show off their skimpiest loungewear. They drive to a desert where they find two abandoned horses, and decide to take them for a ride. With luck on their side, they stumble upon a stray hot tub and a few canopied beds.

Bless Hannah B’s southern heart, I think this is the longest she’s gone without her phone, and something tells me most of her relationships have been built via texting. One of the many reasons I think The Bachelor accidentally benefits society: the girls have to learn to hold face-to-face conversations.

Wowwww I’m old. Yep. Throw me in the Cougar Den already.

Anyway, poor Hannah freezes up when he asks her to make a champagne toast. I make champagne toasts almost every night (to myself) and let me tell you— they’re not hard. Cheers to drinking champagne and watching The Bachelor by myslefffff amiriteee??

Hannah makes a toast to her birthday, because that’s the only talking point she came prepared with. Some countries don’t have maps, okay??

That night, they had dinner on the deck of The Titanic Queen Mary, where Colton told Hannah B to stop trying to be perfect. “That’s a heavy burden to wear.”

Bless it.

She gets the rose because he knows for a fact that he’s got room to send home one of the blondes he can’t tell apart. (Nina? Annie? Erika?)

The second group date goes to:

  • Alex B
  • Erika a blonde
  • Katie 
  • Caelynn Miss Carolina
  • Sydney
  • Cassie who eats bagels
  • Nina another blonde
  • Kirpa
  • Caitlin with greyish hair
  • Courtney
  • Heather aka Never Been Kissed aka Josie Grossie

“I camp fight this feeling anymore.” – Colton

The ladies head off to Camp Bachelor, where Colton greets them with hard nipples and soft hugs. They play games like Red Rover, Duck Duck Goose, and Who Can Boob Swipe Colton The Most.

Naturally, comedian Billy on the Street shows up in a golf cart with Chris Harrison, who tells the girls they’ll be divided into teams to compete for more time with Colton.

The red team has all the athletic and interesting girls on it. (Miss Carolina, Never Been Kissed, Bagel Cassie, etc.)

The yellow team has all of the girls whose names we don’t know. (Blonde, Another Blonde, etc.)

I wonder who will win?

Once the yellow team is comfortably sulking back at the mansion, the red team divvies up time with their boyfriend.

We learn that Miss Carolina and Miss Alabama (from the one-on-one) are major enemies because both call the other one “fake.”

Isn’t that diss old by now? “She’s so fake.” Like, what does that even mean?

Anyway, Josie Grossie gets the group date rose. I’m really happy for her but also hope she starts sitting near Cassie at breakfast.

In a shocking twist of events, none of the girls try to sneak into Colton’s cabin that night during the “sleep away camp” portion of the outing. I was at least hoping for some Parent Trap prank action, but these girls are a snoozefest. Where’s Demi when you need her?

The rose ceremony cocktail party involves horns and pots and pans as new tools of interrupting conversations. I hate it.

Demi prances around in a bathrobe, at which point I find out that Caitlin With the Greyish Hair is my kind of gal. While jaws drop, she loudly asks “Does she not have parents??”

Valid question.

Colton follows Demi upstairs, eagerly awaiting her to shed the robe, but turns out it’s just part of her masseuse costume. She gives him a low-grade massage on a bench in the bathroom because sanitation doesn’t matter when you’re making out with 15 girls in one night.

Tracy cries because Demi is a child and why does Colton like her??

Tracy, good news: he doesn’t. He just knows she’s good ratings for his season. Bad news: He doesn’t like you either.

Demi decides to take her glass full of 40 lime slices to find Tracy crying on the bedroom floor, and tells her she’s the most amazing woman she’s ever met. The whole exchange is very confusing to me, but at least we get to venture inside the Bachelor bedrooms for the first time ever. Pretty sure kids at daycare get more personal space than these ladies.

Roses go to:

  • Tayshia
  • Cassie
  • Caelynn
  • Courtney
  • Demi
  • Nicole
  • Kirpa
  • Hannah G
  • Catherine
  • Bri
  • Sydney
  • Onyeka
  • Katie
  • Caitlin
  • Nina
  • Tracy

We say goodbye to:

  • Annie
  • Alex B
  • Angelique

Basically, after dating Aly Raisman, Colton refuses to date anyone whose name starts with A.

Are you Team Carolina or Team Alabama? Let me know. This pageant rivalry heats up next week, and you know I’m livvvving for it.

May the best queen win.

Actual footage from this season.