I’m never promising anything ever again.

Except that I will never not eat an entire jar of Nutella in one week if it is in my house.

I’m really sorry that not only did I originally promise to recap, then balked, but then I RE-promised to at least write about The Bachelorette every other week, and I just blatantly didn’t do it. If any of you are even willing to read this after I so heartlessly betrayed you, may I just say that your forgiveness is straight up holy.


I can’t believe we’re already past my favorite cringe-worthy rose ceremony, when we’re down to just two *finalists.* Becca graciously handled the most awkward cheers of her life– that is, the one with her eskimo brothers. At that point, they might as well all drink out of one big cup.

Garrett and Blake. Aw. I was rooting for Jason– both to win and to get a new haircut– but alas, he’ll have to settle for third place on The Bachelorette, and in the running to become the next Bachelor, behind Ben Higgins and Ben Higgins. Or it could be Ben Higgins.

Garrett is very good-looking. On a scale of one to Peter Kraus, he’s definitely a solid PK-1. Not bad. His smile does things to Becca’s soul, and she internally loves being seen as the antithesis of his controlling ex-wife. It’s a classic good vs. evil plot, which every new girlfriend loves to play out in her head.

The person who will regret this season the most isn’t actually Chris-I-Used-To-Be-Fat-And-Now-I’m-Just-Angry, it’s Garrett’s ex-wife.

Anyway, between Garrett’s smile, his backstory which gives Becca the opportunity to feel extra good about herself, and the fact that he reminds her of his dad, he’s got a lot going for him. His biggest downfall is that he’s not quite as eloquent as Becca. She is a strong communicator, and Garrett…well, Garrett’s the kind of guy who bobbles his head a lot when he speaks and says absolutely everything with an embarrassed smile because he knows that turning his thoughts into coherent sentences isn’t his thing.

Farmer Chris could’ve used that self-awareness.

Blake has the kind of face that screams “friend-zone,” but somehow he jumped that hurdle with Becca, so good on him. I’m not surprised he’s had his heart smashed to pieces in the past– as his family loveddd to remind him during hometowns– because there’s something about him that just begs for a classic “I don’t know what’s wrong with me– you treat me like a princess” kind of breakup. Poor guy.

Given how much they’ve built up his emotional investment in Becca– and due to the fact that the winner usually gets the last overnight date so that she technically doesn’t “cheat” on him after they’ve already done the dirty– me thinks poor Blakerdoodle is in for another smashin’…not the fantasy suite kind.

blake gif

I’m interested to see how Men Tell All will play out this Monday night. Whose name will be thrown around more– Tia or Arie? Will Colton have to talk about his virginity yet again? Will we have to pretend to care about Jordan and The Chicken’s rivalry? Is Lincoln allowed back on the show after sexually assaulting a woman? Will a casting assistant get fired on air after failing to do adequate background checks on literally half the guys this season? What are the odds that Jordan is wearing his gold underwear? What will Angry Chris wear if it’s too warm for his favorite leather jacket? Remember Clay, the football player who got an injury? Wow, wasn’t that 12 years ago?

But actually…who can be the Bachelor if not Ben Higgins? I mean, Garrett is not well-spoken enough. Blake…maybeee, but he lacks sex appeal, bless his sweet heart. Jason? I love him like, a lot a lot, but Bachelor Nation is too split about his hair. Grocery Store Joe is too similar to Juan Pablo, in that the last time they chose someone sent home early, America was like, “Wait, he’s not who I thought he was.” Nick? LOLOLOLOL. And they won’t choose Peter Kraus because Chris Harrison has implied that they don’t think he’s in it for the *right* reasons.

BEN FRIGGIN HIGGINS 2.0. Calling it now.


That was fun, guys. We should do this again sometime.