As promised, today we get to talk about chub rub.
My school teacher friend texted me last night to say she’s concerned that she shouldn’t Google “chub rub” for fear of her search history endangering her career, so I guess this means I should take the time to save you from the extremely inaccurate and disturbing definitions on Urban Dictionary.
Chub rub is pretty PG, don’t worry. Think chafing. Thigh rash. Heat irritation. Waddle throb.
I have to admit, I’m among the #blessed women who never experienced such discomfort until pregnancy. But about 10 weeks in…and already 15 pounds heavier because carbs>nausea (SO SUE ME)…I found myself begging for mercy as I gallivanted around Charleston, SC with my three best friends in the 90 degree heat.
Dear Lord, what is this fire burning a hole through my inner thighs??
Luckily for me, two of my best friends are already moms, so they quickly busted out some trusty vaseline for me to slap on my inner legs so that my enlarged thighs could glide together in peace and harmony as we admired row houses and trendy homeless people’s outfits. (If you ever visit Charleston, you should really take a look at the homeless people. Apparently they only accept name brand donations.)
The vaseline wore off after 30 minutes or so, but hey, it was better than nothing. The rest of this summer, I’ve taken the approach of simply avoiding long walks, which really hasn’t helped the whole issue of my thighs pressing tighter and tighter together. Talk about a downward spiral.
Then last week, a coworker asked if I’d be willing to write a review about a chub rub product called Beach Gladiator.
I was intrigued on many levels, and yet again reminded of my truly humble existence. Last time I was asked to do a product review, it was for a reverse aging skin regimen. Gulp. Guess I’m seen as old enough to need such a thing. And now I’m being asked to review a product for chub rub. IS IT THAT OBVIOUS THAT THERE IS NO MORE ROOM FOR MY THIGHS TO WALK COMFORTABLY?
Please God, grant me humility.
No complaints here, though, because Beach Gladiator saved my life this past weekend. My in-laws were in town, and my husband’s ship was delayed getting home from a week long mini-deployment/patrol. Thus, I was in charge of entertaining his parents, sister, brother-in-law, and our nephew for an entire day all by myself. I adore my in-laws, so that’s good news, but my creativity level was lacking in the activity department. Anything I could think of just revolved around eating more food. Go figure.
I live in Virginia Beach, so you may be wondering why I didn’t reach for the easy grab: Take them to the beach? Too bad scattered thunder storms were predicted throughout the entire afternoon. Also, I’m avoiding getting in a swimsuit at any cost this summer.
My mother-in-law suggested we take a nice long stroll on the boardwalk, which was safer than getting all suited up in case it began to rain, but would still count as a fun beachy activity.
“A…a…long walk? Uh, sure! We can do that!”
Could they sense the fear in my voice?
Luckily, I’d thrown the bottle of Beach Gladiator in my purse. It’s a little smaller than a stick of deodorant, so pretty handy to carry around.
While everyone was busy getting my one year old nephew out of the car in the parking garage, I hid behind the door, hiked up my dress, and quickly rubbed on some of this trusty thigh lube. #thisismotherhood
Beach Gladiator rolled on with ease, almost like one of those rolly ball point glue sticks. Except it did the opposite of glue my thighs together. The oil is thinner than vaseline, but didn’t feel like I was dripping with PAM. I immediately felt less threatened by the idea of a lengthy stroll as I straightened up and rejoined the group like nothing ever happened.
The product lasted the entire two hour adventure, including when my thighs actively expanded even further as I downed a cone of Ben & Jerry’s. It never emitted a funky smell (hey, you never know), or dried out. It definitely soaked in a bit, but didn’t disappear like the vaseline did back in Charleston. My chubby thighs happily glazed one another without hindrance, allowing me to walk like a normal person instead of as though I just demounted an extra large horse.
So, to all my fellow mom-to-bes out there, or really to anyone who enjoys carbs as much as I do, might I suggest ordering yourself a bottle. It’s quick and easy to apply while subtly crouching behind an inanimate object, small enough to carry in your purse, and long-lasting for those impromptu summer strolls or long days in your swimsuit. I wasn’t able to test if it’s waterproof, but they say it is, so let’s trust in these wonderful entrepreneurs who took the time to develop a product specifically for our inner thighs. I feel like anyone who is willing to make a living off chub rub is someone with first-hand experience and genuine intentions. They can be trusted.
Go ahead and buy it HERE, and actually enjoy the rest of your summer. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.