Lauren W, you are amazing. Thank you for the Venmo inspiration this week! I really need it to concentrate, because Aaron and I just found out the gender of our baby this morning! It’s hard to focus on reliving the shenanigans of last night when all I want to do is start picking out nursery decorations.

Also, this baby is a mover and shaker, so it feels like I have a drum set inside my stomach, which is kind of distracting, as you might imagine.

drum

Speaking of babies, does Chris Harrison have Benjamin Button syndrome? Because that man looks 5 years younger than he did a year ago. Either he got a new spray tan artist and dyed his hair, or someone needs to lock him in a lab ASAP and make an elixir of life out of his DNA.

This Men Tell All is full of so many video packages that it’s basically like one big YouTube montage instead of an actual episode, but at least we get to relive the moment that time…wait. None of “The Most Memorable Moments in Men Tell All History” were memorable. Off to a rocky start already.

Where’s Chad when you need him??

chard gif

Chris Harrison tried to pump things up by saying they *almost* added extra security this evening because this group of men is so crazy, but I think he forgot that this group isn’t into fist fights. They’re more interested in showing dominance by using big words that their opponent can’t understand. There could be whole new spinoff called “Bachelors: Brains vs Brawn,” featuring Rachel’s contestants as the Brains and JoJo’s men as the Brawn. I can promise you that Jordan, Robby, Chad, and Daniel understood only about 30% of what was said on the show last night.

As soon as all the men are re-introduced, we see that Blake got a new and improved haircut, but not a new and improved personality. He and Whaboom still fight like children, which gets about 7 seconds of airtime before everyone falls asleep.

Iggy decided to come dressed as a hip hop priest, which would be the worst job in the world for him since he can’t keep a secret to save his life. Never put that man on the receiving end of a confessional.

DeMario still claims that his “girlfriend” who showed up on the show was just a side piece. This did not improve his reputation, if that’s what he was going for.

Finally, we get to the meat of this evening’s drama, which is Kenny vs. Lee. Kenny and Lee have both showed up with their game faces on. Kenny is the doting father who says he would never be violent on national TV, because his daughter watches the show. LOL remember that time you said you’d drag your s*** over Lee’s grave?

kenny gif

Lee decides to go with “sheltered white boy” in order to give himself an excuse for his behavior. Over and over, he repeats that he has learned a lot from watching himself on the show, and that he simply never knew that ruffling people’s feathers shouldn’t be a hobby. Also, what’s the NAACP?

Apparently, Lee sent out a tweet a year ago that compared the NAACP to the KKK, which Chris Harrison happily pulled up onto the jumbo screen and waited for Lee to explain himself.

Again, Lee claims he has a lot to learn.

Somebody get this boy a 5th grade education, stat!

Anthony to the rescue! Anthony– Mr. Clean and Rosa Parks’ love child– is probably the most eloquent man to ever grace this show, or ever will. He tells Lee that he wants to forgive him, but needs to know that Lee can acknowledge the racism that is engrained in his thoughts– even if Lee doesn’t “feel” like it’s there. After about 30 minutes of probing, Anthony finally gets Lee to see that he’s probably a wee bit prejudiced.

lee

People were rooting for Kenny to be the next Bachelor after this episode, but I’m 100% Team Anthony. Not that either would happen, but still.

All the guys seem to love Kenny, which I still don’t get because he annoys me to no end, but as Dean pointed out– if 30 guys all love you, you’re probably a great guy. In the end, Kenny comes out as the good guy (the good guy who will drag his s*** across your grave if you get him mad enough), and Lee comes out as an ignorant racist who has a 15% chance of actually taking up Anthony on his offer to help educate him backstage.

Despite my aversion to Kenny’s basic personality, I will say that he has the most beautiful 12-year-old daughter in existence. Chris Harrison brings her onto the stage, where Kenny greets her like he hadn’t just seen her back at their hotel room two hours earlier. It’s these over the top moments that rub me the wrong way, but clearly he’s a loving dad, so I’ll give him that.

THE BACHELORETTE - "The Men Tell All" - It's an exciting, unpredictable reunion viewers won't want to miss as the most memorable bachelors from this season - including Adam, Alex, Dean, DeMario, Fred, Iggy, Jack Stone, Jonathan, Josiah, Kenny, Lee, Lucas, Matt and Will - return to confront each other and Rachel one last time on national television to dish the dirt and tell their side of the story. A look back at the most memorable moments in "The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All" history is presented. Finally, as the clock ticks down on Rachel's journey to find love, an up-close-and-personal look at her final three guys, on "The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All," MONDAY, JULY 31 (8:00-10:01 p.m. EDT), on The ABC Television Network. (ABC/Paul Hebert) KENNY, MCKENZIE

Next up: Dean.

Dean is wearing a grey camo tux with a black bowtie, which I’m pretty sure was meant to be as ridiculous as it looks. He needs a haircut, but manages to gel his luscious locks into submission with what I can only assume is super glue. His smile is all that matters, though, and I’m stoked we get to see more of it on Bachelor in Paradise.

Chris Harrison tries to milk Dean’s crazy Hometown for all it’s worth, but Dean barely bites. He says he’s glad it happened, and he hopes it’ll help repair his family in the future. He also wishes Rachel hadn’t said “I’m falling in love with you” right before sending him home. Hey man, at least you weren’t JoJo circa Ben’s season.

Finally, Rachel walks onto the stage wearing a little strapless black dress that looked like it couldn’t decide if it was lingerie or a 10th grade homecoming dress. Bachelorettes always choose the weirdest outfits for Men Tell All. I mean, JoJo showed up dressed like a [really hot] pumpkin, and Kaitlyn sported a figure skating costume, so I guess things could’ve been worse. Rachel herself, however, looked as beautiful as ever, though I’m still mourning her side part.

rachel mta

Rachel and Dean have the same conversation they had when he was kicked off, so that was fun. And then Rachel pretends to not remember who DeMario is, because #shade. She then admonishes Kenny for his childish behavior when reacting to Lee’s jabs all season, and tells Lee that she hopes he realizes how forgiving all the guys in the house are for dealing with his ignorant, kindasortadefinitely racist behavior. i.e. She’s impressed that none of the guys beat him upside the head, so he better recognize his good fortune.

We finally get to see some bloopers, which are ALWAYS fantastic. I KNEW that one of the golf carts must’ve flipped over when the guys were speeding through a golf course in South Carolina! The clear winner of the blooper awards was the clip of Dean taking his gum out, putting it behind his ear, then taking it off and putting it back in his mouth. That kid’s smile could help him get away with murder, if you ask me.

Rachel-and-Dean-talk

There’s a THREE HOUR finale next week. Good lawd. We all know my money is on BryGuy, and I’m thinking Peter or Dean as the next Bachelor, though I doubt that’ll be announced until after Bachelor in Paradise.

Thanks for your patience this week, as always. It took me two days to write this thing because #babystuff. IT’S A BOY! <3