Obviously I’m the WORST. I cannot get my life together to write these recaps in a timely fashion these days. I’m currently writing this in the Philly airport during my layover before heading to Germany for a wedding.

These write ups usually take 3-4 hours, so if any of you can figure out how to turn days into 27-28 hours, let me know. I could really use that necklace Hermione wore at Hogwarts right about now. (Happy 20th Birthday, HP!)

hermione

How do you guys feel about skipping the Lee/Kenny drama since this recap has to cover FOUR hours of Bachelorette airtime this week? If you must know, Kenny and Lee are selected for the two-on-one date because #duh. Lee calls Kenny a sack of bleeding muscle. Kenny calls lee a shortstack piece of garbage. Is that a pancake reference? Shortstacks are delicious…no?

Their date involves sitting at the base of a Christmas tree in 20 degree weather, with only a bottle of scotch and their raging testosterone to keep them warm. After each guy throws the other under the bus, Rachel tells Lee to go home because she doesn’t trust him, and keeps Kenny because too many recent Bachelor leads have sent both people home on a two-on-one. Rachel’s eyes literally roll into the back of her head when Kenny still insists on having one last verbal altercation with Lee before getting in the helicopter with her.

rachel eye roll

All of this unfolds over TWO episodes, with their random insults to the camera sprinkled in at every possible moment. You’re welcome for getting it out of the way. And if you want my opinion, Lee is evil and Kenny is 14.

Back to what matters.

Monday night picks up at the end of a group date that we all forgot about because we’re constantly getting To Be Continued shoved down our throats, as if we have the will power to store information about the previous week in our brains for an entire week. Producers…listen. We love this show, but not that much. Rose. Ceremonies. At. The. End. Please. And. Thank. You.

Bryan gets the group date rose. I don’t remember why, but we can assume it’s because Rachel is in love with him.

At this point, I have Bryan as my winner, followed closely by Peter. Dean and Eric rounding out the Top 4.

Next up: Jack’s one-on-one date. If any of you actually thought Jack would survive his one-on-one, you have the emotional intelligence of a flea.

If you need to catch your bearings, may I remind you that they’re still in Hilton Head, SC, home of the hu-white man.

Jack’s date starts on a sour note when Rachel wears a black dress with mesh on the top, which is “artfully” decorated with colorful butterflies. If you want to know a secret, you can know exactly how Rachel feels about a guy based on her outfit selection. She wears her throw away outfits when she knows guys she actually likes won’t see her.

During their horse drawn carriage ride, Rachel leans as far away from Jack as possible, which is a natural reaction for anyone who’s being stared at like she’s the sidekick of an evil scientist.

jack gif

After their painful shag dance lesson, Rachel won’t let Jack kiss her because she claims to be sick. Oldest excuse in the book. Let’s keep it 100, as Rachel would say. She doesn’t care about Jack’s health one bit. I bet she’d lead Bryan straight to his deathbed via her germs, and I mean that as a compliment to Bryan.

Rachel’s oversized grey sweater for the night portion confirms my theory about outfit choice. When was the last time you saw a Bachelorette wear anything but a bandage cocktail dress for the night portion of a date? After approximately 30 seconds of conversation, with Jack claiming that he’s never been so into somebody, the execution music begins to play. Do you think producers play it softly during the live taping so that Rachel knows she can begin her dumping speech?

Rachel must be feeling better the next morning because she is ready for the Rose Ceremony—purple lipstick and all—by no later than 9:30 a.m. Unclear what she did all day, because the shindig didn’t start until nighttime.

Dean and Bryan already have a rose. Roses go to:

Eric

Peter

Adam

Will

Matt

Alex

Josiah

Anthony

Kenny

Lee

We say goodbye to Iggy and Tinkles. Tinkles tickles her one last time, and the guys clap him out. Who knew a Tickle Monster could be so lovable?

My brother points out that the Rose Ceremony anticipation music sounds just like the build up to Shark Bait Ooo Haha. As soon as it cuts out at the next Rose Ceremony, say “Shark Bait Ooo Haha,” and then appreciate my brother’s genius. If you’re not a Finding Nemo fan, GO AWAY.

Annddd they’re off to Oslo, Norway! The Hilton Head of Europe, if you know what I mean.

The guys meet Rachel in a bar, where she sweeps Bryan away for a one-on-one date. Dean acts a little shady, but that’s just because he knows Bryan is his main competition. (Peter is flying under the radar.) When he says that Bryan might not come back from the date, all the guys literally just laugh at him. They know what I know.

Bryan and Rachel repel down the side of a giant ski jump, which would definitely kill anyone who would jump off of it, so I don’t know what their idea of “fun” is here in Norway. Either way, Bryan is the epitome of Man as he coaches Rachel down the dangling thread 187 feet off the ground. They stop midway for a kiss, like they were told to do.

bryan rachel

They spend the rest of the afternoon making out before changing into their dinner clothes. I’ve never seen so much gold eyeshadow in my life. Quite the change from her grey sweater and jeans with Wack-o Jack-o.

She tells Bryan she’s scared he’s too good to be true, and he responds by saying he’s falling in love with her, which shuts her up real quick.

Back at the house, Anthony—the quiet guy who looks like Mr. Clean—proves that he’s the most mature guy in town as he eases Eric’s fear that Rachel isn’t attracted to black men. Eric is upset because Anthony is the only black man to have a one-on-one so far. Anthony explains that he doesn’t think Rachel sees them in categories of black vs. white, so you can’t expect her to hand out dates evenly according to race. Anthonyyyyyy why don’t they let you talk more??

Speaking of racial conversations, Will also attempts to explain to Lee why the word “aggressive” is sensitive to black men, so Lee can better understand why Kenny gets upset when he uses that word. Lee finds plenty of name-calling substitutes after this conversation. (Remember, Lee and Kenny haven’t gone on their two-on-one yet. I just covered that at the beginning because I was dreading it so much that I figured best to get it over with first.)

GROUP DATE:

Adam

Dean

Anthony

Peter

Matt

Will

Alex

Eric

Josiah

I’m looking for a man who’s good with his hands. –Rachel

That was literally Bryan’s opening line to her on night one. Chiropractor, remember? Way to be obvious, Rach.

The guys learn to play handball from a Norwegian coach who hates smiling. Dean wears his jockstrap on the outside of his middle school wrestling getup, and yet NO ONE MENTIONS IT. Someone tell me why. I need an explanation, because that’s all I could look at the entire date.

dean strap

The only thing that broke me away from Dean’s jockstrap was when Peter copped a feel.

peter grab

I was thrown off when Rachel chest bumped a guy after he scored. Maybe it’s just me because I’m pregnant and even putting on a t-shirt hurts, but OW. I mean, at least we know her boobs are real.

How the guys do at night:

Alex—She can’t take him seriously. He’s just a ball of Russian hilarity. <3

Will—They makeout because they have nothing to talk about.

Matt—She likes him more than she likes most of the guys.

Eric—He only gets a peck.

Josiah—She is sufficiently creeped out by him because he always squints when he talks and rubs her shoulders in a hungry fashion. She tells him he never asks her questions about herself, and he says “you’re very perceptive.” Incorrect response, pal.

Peter—They spend special time together in a hot tub, where Rachel straddles him and he digs his hands into her back and my stepmom covered my little brother’s eyes. (This week’s episode brought to you by family beach week.)

Not five minutes after Rachel demounts Peter, and he recites the National Anthem a few times to fit back into his pants, she gives the group date rose to Will.

SAVAGE, Rachel.

Peter looks as astounded as I am.

Next is the two-on-one. The only thing I didn’t mention that needs to be said is that Rachel was wearing a ring on TOP of her glove.

We’ll transition smoothly into the Tuesday night episode, because Monday night left the two-on-one date as a TBC.

If you thought for a second that Kenny’s bloody eye in the teaser for Tuesday night came from Lee, you’ve clearly never seen this show and put far too much trust in the editors, who are as misleading as the Victoria Secret bombshell bra sitting in my closet for the next 10 months, recently replaced by the real thing(s). (#humblebrag)

eyebrow gif

I’ll be honest—I didn’t take notes during last night’s episode. It was just too much to handle as I prepared for our trip to Germany. However, I’ll run you through the parts that were important enough for me to remember:

  • There was a rose ceremony near the beginning, and we said goodbye to Josiah and Anthony
  • Will was sent home on his one-on-one because even though he’s black, he’s too white for Rachel. Which says something, because 5 out of 6 guys left at the end of this episode are white.
  • Eric steps up his game during his one-on-one, and Rachel was into him. Though their hot tub time was about 95% less steamy than when she was with Peter. Eric is veryyyy energetic. He’ll probably be Top 4 because he makes Rachel feel good, even though she’s not that into him.
  • The group date included traditional viking games, which is how Kenny got that bloody eye we saw in teasers. (Remember, his two-on-one with Lee already happened by this point.)
  • Kenny gets sent home on the group date because Rachel doesn’t want to string him along while his daughter is at home. And also she thinks he’s really annoying.
  • Peter gets the group date rose.
  • They have a Rose Ceremony at the end of the episode!!!! HOW GLORIOUS!!

We say goodbye to: Alex.

The six guys left, in order of where they stand in Rachel’s heart:

Bryan (#1)

Peter (#2)

Dean (#3)

Eric (#4)

Matt (#5)

Adam (#6)

I won’t be able to recap next week since I’ll still be in Germany. I’m sorry!!! Please come back in two weeks so we can dissect Hometowns together! Hopefully you won’t feel too emotionally stranded when you say goodbye to Matt and Adam…but considering they’ve had 0 airtime all season, something tells me you’ll be okay.