Obviously I have to start by apologizing for getting this up a day late. I had a particularly busy day of work yesterday for my *real* job. Not that this isn’t real. Bachelorette recaps are about as real as it gets. But Chris Harrison hasn’t offered me the Date Card Writer position, so for now, I must prioritize the place that sends me money to pay for heaps of maternity clothes because I already don’t fit into anything I own.

The deal is that I work from home on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, then go to the office on Thursdays– mostly because they want my dog around for morale (dog friendly offices are THE BEST). Tuesdays are generally my lightest days, varying from 4-8 hours of work…but yesterday was an all day commitment to editing videos and corresponding with talent. To fill in newcomers– I work for the unscripted (cough*realityTV*cough) department of a production company. If you think your life would make a great TV show, holla at yo’ girl.

Please accept my apology for the delay, but also YOU’RE WELCOME for waking my butt up at 6:45 a.m. today to bang out this thing before work.

Speaking of work, did you know Rachel is already back to working at her law firm since filming wrapped?? Do you think she’ll actually keep her career instead of becoming a professional Instagrammer? Am I living in alternate universe??

Another adulty thing Rachel did was actually putting her arms in the sleeves of her coat at the beginning of the episode. According to fashion bloggers and Bachelor alumni, it’s not cool to actually use arm holes, and instead you’re supposed to drape everything like a cape. I dare you to try it and tell me you don’t feel like a T-Rex. Thank you, Rachel, for being relatable enough to wear your coat like a practical layman who enjoys a full range of motion.

shoulders

Sorry, sir, but you look ridiculous.

Dean’s pastel floral button up was easily my favorite part of this episode’s rose ceremony, which yes– are still at the beginning of episodes instead of at the end where they belong. Without getting personally involved with the drama, Dean narrates the whole fight between Lee & Kenny, Eric, etc. He basically calls Lee racist without using the term directly, and he’s probably right. Lee seems to be the worst kind of racist– the type that can probably point to a few black friends as “proof” that he’s not racist, meanwhile treating culturally variant people with contempt and condescension.

Anyone who says he finds enjoyment in laughing at someone who is angry in order to make them more angry is a soul from the underworld.

Not that it really matters, but Lee and Kenny were arguing because Lee interrupted Kenny’s one-on-one time with Rachel. That felt like just the tip of the iceburg to me, but we’re led to believe that’s the sole reason Kenny is upset. Lee’s a d-bag, don’t get me wrong, but Kenny also probably sensed that Rachel thinks of him like a slightly awkward cousin she has to deal with at family reunions, so he needed to take out his anger on someone. Which was a fire that Lee happily fanned.

Kudos to Kenny for talking to the camera like he is Francis Underwood in House of Cards, though.

kenny

Other notable moments before the rose ceremony:

Rachel is still obsessed with Bryan, but not as much as I am.

Brady tried to say that Lee is just a guy who has a lot of quirks. Or quorks? Is it corks? The men discuss this for quite some time. They never settle on an answer.

Rachel is really shaken by the Lee drama because she’s afraid that the race topic will become a central focus, and that puts a lot of pressure on her. She didn’t go into detail, but I can imagine she feels a lot of pressure to represent her culture well, and worried that people will have their opinions about whether or not she should be in a biracial relationship or choose someone of her own ethnicity. She probably also doesn’t want the drama in the house to be a reflection of race, but I want to hug her and tell her that even when the show had all white guys, there was an equal amount of drama. Black, white, purple, or turquoise, boys will be competitive and testosteroney.

I actually want to get in a little more about the race thing, but I feel like it’s a bit inappropriate coming from me. I can guess at what Rachel is feeling, but I also feel a bit “know it all” giving my two cents since clearly I’ve never been there and never could be there. Thus, I bounced my thoughts off one of my very best friends, who happens to be black. Her upbringing and experiences actually seem to be extremely similar to Rachel’s, and this is what she said (me paraphrasing):

Rachel is probably feeling a lot of pressure to make the black community proud. She’s worried that the drama in the house will be attributed to the stereotype of “aggressive black men,” since this is the most black men to ever be on the show. (Obviously ridiculous since there have been far more aggressive men and drama in seasons past, which were all Caucasian guys.) When someone black loses their temper, it’s somehow seen as a reflection of all black people. Yet when Caucasian people lose their temper, no one thinks “all white people are aggressive.” Also, many members of the black community want her to choose a black man to show the world what a healthy black relationship looks like. Therefore, if she chooses a Caucasian winner, she’s afraid she will have let down people of color. At the same time, she might be more attracted to some of the Caucasian guys on the show, and wants to stay true to her feelings.

Obviously, no matter our race, none of us know exactly what Rachel is feeling, but there’s no doubt she is facing more pressure than any Bachelor or Bachelorette in the past, and handling it with INCREDIBLE grace.

Rose Ceremony:

Eric, Anthony, & Alex already have roses. The rest go to:

Will

Dean

Jonathan

Peter

Adam

Bryan

Matt

Josiah

Jack

Iggy

Kenny

Lee

Goodbye Diggy, Brady, and Square Jaw.

With that, they leave the drama in L.A. and head to Hilton Head, SC, land of egrets, Lily Pulitzer, and all things white! Sorry, I just had to point that out. I even looked it up: Literally 81% of the population is Caucasian, and only 8% black. Ah, what a backdrop.

hilton head

Rachel completes her morning contemplation by way of sailboat ride, which is pretty awesome. Would I personally wear a white leather jacket on a sailboat? No, I wouldn’t. But darn if Rachel didn’t look spectacular.

The airplane carrying the contestants sparks when it lands on the runway, which really concerns me. Also concerning was that the boys piled onto golf carts and raced themselves to the hotel, through the hilly golf course. HOW did one of them not flip over?

Luckily, they all survive in enough health to yell Rachel’s name in unison from their balcony before she meets them inside their suite to pick up Dean for their one-on-one date.

Dean, our love is about to take off. — Rachel

That HAS to be a recycled date card. (HIRE ME ALREADY!!!)

I’m disappointed to report that Rachel does not have her arms in the sleeves of her floral jacket. Dean is a fashionable guy, though, so he was probably impressed. He gets to drive both of them in a jeep out onto a random grassy field, where she arbitrarily tells him to stop the car. Picnic time! He says, “…right here?” YES DEAN, HERE, WHERE YOU SEE ALL THE CAMERA GUYS SET UP AND WAITING FOR US, DUMB DUMB.

They sit on the hood of the car with champagne and no food, which is hardly a picnic, but I’d still be into it. In the distance, they spot a blimp. How random!

Wait, is it coming over here? Why does it say our names on the side of it??

They chug the remainder of their champagne as the blimp lands.

blimp gif

Dean reveals that he’s terrified of heights. Shouldn’t have put that on your application, bro! Next thing you know, they’re ushered aboard the blimp, which has windows in every corner– even below the seats– so you can really get a good feel of how high you are inside a vessel that could pop at any given moment. FUN!!

After they’re at cruising altitude, Rachel hops into the drivers seat and gets to steer. It’s actually pretty rad. She convinces Dean to take a turn, and before you know it, the champagne hits his bloodstream and he’s having a blast! They end the ride by making out in the love seat conveniently located at the back of the blimp.

blimp

Who wears short shorts!! Dean wears short shorts!

Dean honestly looks like the best kisser on the show so far.

They can’t land before flying past the hotel where the guys stare angrily up from the balcony at the digital sign on the side of the blimp that reads “Rachel and Dean 4Ever.” They pump themselves up by agreeing that Dean is too young for Rachel.

He ain’t too young to be making out with her in the sky right now, pals.

The night portion of the date begins with dinner under spanish moss and dangling string lights. I’m slightly horrified by Rachel’s black and white cowboy/doily-inspired collared shirt. Her first misstep of the season.

cowboy shirt

They talk about their upbringings, which actually seem like a good match. Dean shares his story of losing his mother to cancer, which explains why he’s so mature for a 25 year old. As someone who lost her mom, too, I can say that that experience really makes you look at the world differently. Dean lost his mom when he was only 15, then essentially lived on his own for the rest of high school because his siblings graduated and his dad wasn’t around much. He’s been through some legitimate life struggles, and Rachel likes that. So do I. It’s not to wish struggles on anyone, but if someone faces serious difficulties and comes out with a positive outlook on life, that’s really something to be admired.

Rachel knows Dean is in her Top 4, so she gives him the rose and sweeps him off to their private concert by a country artist that doesn’t have a song on the radio yet. I was living for this moment:

dean ksis

 

Group date:

Alex

Anthony

Peter

Bryan

Jonathan

Adam

Matt

Kenny

Lee

Iggy

Eric

Will

Josiah

I want to see who’s ready for commitment. — Rachel

Rachel takes the guys on a booze cruise, where they make up raps for her and do pushups with her sitting on their backs. When Peter raps, I am horrified and thrilled simultaneously. I adore him.

I know I’ve already said this, but let me repeat: Three of the top 4 WILL be Peter, Bryan, and Dean. The fourth is up in the air.

After they’ve had enough alcohol to muddle their brains, Rachel leads them off the boat and straight into a spelling bee hosted by none other than Chris Harrison, himself!

Btw, Aaron and I are calling our unborn child “Chris Harrison” until we find out the sex in August. Lil’ Chris Harrison is the size of a lime this week!

ch

In front of a [very culturally unified] crowd, the guys must spell words like “squirt”, “boudoir”, and “coitus.” The boys giggle like school girls when every word is called. Rachel looks equally entertained and embarrassed. I’m personally just amazed that a grown man was proud that he knew how to spell “stunning.”

The final two are Will and Josiah, who have to spell physiological and polyamorous, respectively. THOSE WORDS ARE NOT HARD, PEOPLE. Josiah wins, and proceeds to make out with his trophy for a good five minutes. He was one of those guys who couldn’t stop loving the sound of his voice in a microphone throughout the competition, so it was hard to be happy for his win.

josiah trophy

The night portion is just more Lee drama, which frankly isn’t worth your time to know about. Basically the night goes like this: Iggy lovessss inserting himself into drama, which we already knew. Eric thinks Rachel likes him even though her chin is pulled in as close to her neck as possible when they’re kissing, which is a classic sign of wanting to retreat. Peter and Rachel fall deeper in love. Kenny calls Lee a reptilian piece of garbage. Will wisely suggests that Kenny and Lee deal with their issues tomorrow when they’re more sober. Naturally, the episode ends with Kenny asking Lee to join him outside and Lee ignoring Will’s sound advice.

NEXT WEEK: Kenny and Lee go on a two-on-one, which even my dog saw coming. Josiah cries, Kenny bleeds, and producers exchange high fives.

I will do my very best to get this thing up in time next week! Loveyoulongtime.