Rachel looks so darn good with that side part, and I really need everyone to remember that that was my idea. From last season’s episode 3 recap:

“I think Rachel could benefit from a side part, but I trust stylists to make the right choice when they prep her to become the next Bachelorette.”

I really enjoy patting myself on the back when I get something right, which I assume all of my regular readers have noticed by now. Self love, people. It’s a thing.

We get a little flashback of Rachel’s history with Nick, watch her play some bball by herself in her hometown of Dallas, and listen to Chris Harrison remind us that she’s black. I really wish Rachel’s brother-in-law was here to remind Chris Harrison of his skin color, too.

rachel-hometown-gif

I swear if this guy doesn’t make at least one appearance this season, I will lose all respect for this show.

Rachel somehow manages to convince a commercial airline to let her 80lb beardog sit on her lap during her flight to LA, which must’ve been in her contract. Proof that producers can make literally anything happen. And further proof that Rachel is perfect, because she wouldn’t do the show without her dog. <3

Once she arrives in LA, she sits on a bench while a few strangers walk past and recognize her. Two of them happen to be 80-something little old ladies. The first gives Rachel some grandmotherly advice to “just make the right decision, sweetie.” The second looks Rachel dead in the eye and says, “Don’t sleep with all of them.” GRANDMA! Where was she when we needed her during Kaitlyn’s season??

As Rachel settles into her new digs with Copper the beardog, we get a few backstories of some of her most notable suitors.

There’s this lawyer who we can only pray is more convincing in front of a jury than he is on the phone:

bad guy

The Bollywood dancer who walks on his toes:

bollywood

And then there’s this guy.

penis

I feel the need to give you a heads up that both of these guys got roses at the end of the night.

So did this guy:

whaboom

Not my life.

But before Rachel can be #blessed with the presence of these “eligible” bachelors, she throws on one of her many floral daytime rompers to go get some last minute advice from her favorite sister wives. Knowing she will be filming all night until 7am the following day, I am horrified that they didn’t let her sleep for the entire day leading up to the entrances. Corinne would’ve insisted on it, as would I.

Instead, Rachel decided a good cry > sleep. She and the girls– none of whom matter except Raven, Alexis, and Corinne– sobbed as they told each other how awesome they are. Back in Canada, Vanessa realizes she got the short end of the stick and yells at Nick for the 3rd time today.

As thrilled as I was to see Corinne give relationship advice, I did wonder why they didn’t have Kaitlyn and JoJo give Rachel any tips. The two most recent Bachelorettes are actually in successful relationships with their winners…and yet they’re nowhere to be found? But last season Farmer Chris was allowed to give his two cents? Riddle me that.

Finally, Rachel pretends to do her hair and makeup in the mirror– which she has a team to do– and puts on a slinky white dress fit for the Miss America stage. #winnerswearwhite

Chris Harrison greets her in the driveway, and something is different about him. Did he dye his hair? Lose weight? I think he’s slightly intimidated by Rachel because he barely chatted with her before announcing the first limo.

ARRIVALS:

Peter— Has tooth gap, impeccable taste in clothing, and will do well because the first person out of the limo always does well.

Josiah— He’s the lawyer with bad phone skills, but uses legal jargon to woo Rachel and it kind of works even though she doesn’t think he’s very cute (as determined by my well-honed face-reading skillz).

Bryan— This was my favorite guy from the bios, as noted in the recap pre-cap. He speaks to her in Spanish and asks if she’s ever dated a Colombian guy before? She hasn’t, but boy does she want to. In my humble opinion, he’s the hottest guy to ever be on the show in the history of ever. AND he’s 37. Thank you to whichever of his sisters or coworkers probably signed him up.

Kenny— No one warned him that contestants are supposed to be trendy, not wear church suits from the 90s. But he’s sweet and she likes that he does the arm wiggle dance with her. You know, the one where you pass the wave from your arms to the next by waving your elbows up and down. That was the dance move that made me feel like I had rhythm when I was in middle school, if that gives you any idea of who I am as a person.

Rob— Highly disappointed that this U.S. alien who calls college “university” didn’t have an accent.

Iggy— Harvard guy who says he’s “genuinely and authentically glad to be here.”

Bryce— Wears some sort of old military uniform from the 1950s and picks Rachel up like a baby as he introduces himself. I’ve never seen a squarer jaw in my life, and I’ve seen movies starring Luke Wilson.

Will— Does Steve Erkel impression.

Diggy— Wears pink bow tie and sadly comes across douchey, even though I wanted him to be my bff from his pic.

Kyle— “I want to show you my buns,” then hands her a basket full of bread. Looking at Rachel’s body makes me think she and I would have very different reactions to being woo’d by bread.

Blake K— Tells her his grandparents got married after only a few months, and are now celebrating 65 years together. Y’all KNOW I like that story!

Brady— Walks up with a huge block of ice and a sledge hammer, and I finally perk up!! This has to be a Frozen reference! Is he going to sing the opening number?? Turns out he just hits the piece of ice to “break the ice.” Bigger let down than Rob’s non-accent.

Dean— Really cute smile but talks like a ventriloquist. He already met Rachel at After the Final Rose, and is the guy who used the line “I’m about to go black, and I’ll never go back.” Rachel loved it and so did I.

*Reminder: Four guys met her early during the live after show of Nick’s season.*

Eric— Talks just like 50 Cent. Met her at ATFR.

DeMario— Another ATFR guy. He talks SO LOUD and yet is totally boring.

Blake E— Walks up the driveway with a full marching band, playing drums. He’s the one who had the most awkward intro at ATFR. She says he made up for it with his drum playing, but I want to yell at the screen and tell her this is the guy who can’t stop talking about his libido in his opening…erm…package.

atfr

Fred— Rachel was his camp counselor when he was in 3rd grade and she was in 7th. This turns her off as much as you’d expect it to. Listen, age difference isn’t a huge deal when you’re all grown adults. But if you knew them when you were both in significantly different stages of development, that’s when you have to draw the line.

Jonathan— He tells Rachel to close her eyes and hold out her hands, then proceeds to tickle her. He should’ve really embraced his character and showed up in a white van or an ice cream truck.

Lee— Sings to her while playing the guitar, but he’s not very good.

Alex— Drags a vacuum behind him, but I never got a clear understanding of why. My guess would be because Rachel danced around with a vacuum in her apartment during her opening package last season. Full circle…?

Milton— Takes a selfie with Rachel.

Adam— Brings a mannequin with him, which he calls Adam Jr., for no apparent reason. The mannequin is subsequently given its own interview, and speaks solely in French. I hated this gimmick almost as much as Rachel did.

Meanwhile, inside the house, Jonathan is tickling as many guys as he can get his hands on, DeMario is yelling everything that he says, and Bryan is looking so hot that I text my husband in a guilty manner even though I haven’t done anything wrong.

Matt— Clambers out of the limo in a penguin suit. Aw, I miss Alexis.

Grant— Comes out of an ambulance to “save Rachel from boredom.” He still looks like a dentist if you ask me.

Anyone else still think the dentist from Kaitlyn’s season had the greatest entry of all time?

cupcake gif

Anthony— Good chemistry with Rachel, but his diamond earrings are distracting.

Jamey— My gaydar did a minor jump when he began to speak.

Jack— He’s great and I should like him, but something about him gives me with willy nillies.

Mohit— Wears a khaki suit with a turquoise shirt from Express. My hopes and dreams are dashed.

Jedidiah— Makes a biblical reference and seems quite normal. Rachel looks through him instead of at him, which makes me think his bad eyebrows were a bigger issue than I thought they’d be.

Michael— He’s SO NICE but SO BORING. He gives her a brownie and says the darker the sweeter. Oddly enough, his skin isn’t that dark. I think he thought he might be one of the only black guys there. Womp womp.

Next thing we know, there’s a megaphone sticking out the limo window, but no face to be seen. Then we hear that whoever is speaking is “Rachel’s future husband who has one testicle larger than the other WHICH IS COMPLETELY NORMAL OKAY”. I want to close my eyes and never have to see the annoying human who’s parents are currently asking themselves where things went wrong.

Lucas— Out steps Lucas, wearing a tank top that says Whaboom, underneath a blazer, still speaking into the megaphone. Rachel is laughing because she knows this guy will get her good ratings. This is how he greets her:

whaboom

Yep, second time this .gif shows up in the post. Don’t do drugs, kids.

And with that, the group is complete and the real madness begins. As usual, I’ll have to skim through the night’s happenings because episode one is always the exact same every single season. This time around, I think I’ll tackle things with a few superlative awards:

Most Likely to Get Suuupes Drunk: Mohit the Bollywood dancer in a turquoise Express shirt. (You can tell the guys actually liked him because someone finally gave him water, but it was too late, and he couldn’t form coherent sentences in front of Rachel. Luckily, he was the perfect amount of drunk to spy on Rachel’s first kiss, and make hilarious faces in response.) Which leads me to…

Most Likely to Get the First Impression Rose: BRYAN DUH. His beautiful face was matched with beautiful speech about being ready for marriage and kids since he’s 37. He’s not here to play games. He kissed Rachel in an aggressive way that scared me and intrigued me at the same time. If she hadn’t given him the first impression rose, I would’ve lost my mind.

bryan meeting

Most Likely to Peacock Until Women at Home Vomit in Their Mouths: Tie between DeMario and Josiah.

Most Likely to Start Drama: Blake the awkward drummer, who wants to “confont Lucas (Whaboom) about his intentions.” Lucas tries to keep things light by telling Blake, “Everyone has a little Whaboom in them.” Blake says– completely seriously– “There’s no Whaboom in me.”

Honestly you guys, nothing that interesting happened. I mean, the guy in the penguin suit is balding, but I think we all saw that coming. And Rachel kisses Bryan a second time because WHO WOULDN’T. Other than that, it’s time we jump to the rose ceremony and prepare ourselves for the true entertainment we’re bound to receive starting next week.

ROSE CEREMONY:

The following men receive roses (Bryan already has one):

Peter with the gap tooth

Will

Jack Stone

Jamey

Iggy

Eric aka 50 Cent

DeMario

Jonathan the Tickle Monster(REALLY)

Sponge Bryce Square Jaw (whyyy)

Alex

Kenny the “Professional Wrestler”

Dean

Matt the Penguin

Anthony

Brady

Josiah

Lee

Diggy

Fred the ex-camp kid

Adam

Blake E the Dramatic Drummer

Lucas Whaboom

Say goodbye to: Mohit, Michael, Jedidiah, Rob, Milton, Grant, Blake K, Kyle

Milton’s exit is far and away the best. As he quite literally sobs, he says  that the worst part is that he had a bunch of great outfits he didn’t even get to show off!! Guaranteed he packed at least one romper. Maybe he and Grant will get along nicely in the limo drive home.

I always hate recapping the first night because it’s so chaotic. Stick with me ’til next week. You won’t be sorry.