*This post is dedicated to the relationship of Ben & Lauren. RIP*

lauren ben

Good thing they put that question mark at the end of their show, Happily Ever After(?).

Listen, my theory is that Lauren’s physical change after the show (IDK if you noticed that she lost half of her body weight, which was a feat because she was .07% body fat to begin with) reflected an internal change that didn’t bode well with young Benjamin’s expectations. What’s the saying? Men marry women thinking they’ll never change, and they always do. Women marry men thinking they’ll change, and they never do. 

Despite the fact that I like normal, boring lil’ Benjaroo, I think we can all agree that Bachelorettes tend to make better decisions, so I’m really looking forward to a success story this season. Kaitlyn and Shawn seem to be doing well, so props to them. And an even bigger props to JoJo and Jordan, who live the most normal lives of any recent Bachelor couple, as seen by their constant snaps of hanging out with their dog in the backyard. They don’t show much interest in galavanting around doing appearances and attending music festivals, which– shocker– seems to have helped them form a really grounded relationship. TAKE NOTES WORLD. It may not be worth it to #doitforthegram. Maybe just stay in and eat Chinese and watch your dog run around.

dream gif

Unfortunately for Rachel, she’s got an uphill battle with her crop of crazies to choose from. Keep in mind that she’ll have NO idea how these guys answered their bio questions until AFTER the show airs. I swear if I got engaged to someone only to find out that he once ate a live salamander and also uses “LOL” on a public questionnaire, I’d be pissssssed.

Good luck, Rach, we’re rooting for ya. Which reminds me that I should give a little overview of our lovely Bachelorette. Rachel is the first ever African-American Bachelorette, and also the first one that truly inspires me to be a better human. She’s a lawyer and an athlete and brought last year’s Bachelor, Nick, on a date to church. The fact that she is still single brings me deep grief on behalf of all single women in America, but also deep joy because that means she’s qualified to be the Bachelorette. She was third place on Nick’s season, but #1 in our hearts, especially after filming her fantasy suite date wearing a onesie with penguins on it instead of lingerie. YOU DESERVE THE WORLD, RACHEL.

rachel bach

Alright, time to meet the schmucks that will never be good enough for her. Keep in mind that I know nothing about any of them except their little bios on ABC.com. And yet, I still know too much.

ADAM. 27, 6’2″, Real Estate Agent, loves late night tacos, most romantic present he’s ever received was a threesome for his birthday.

adam

I was disgusted with his answer about a threesome, but then I went back and looked at his face and wasn’t surprised at all. Also, he looks short in this picture. I know you can only the upper fourth of his body, and I know his stats say 6’2″, but I can already tell he carries himself like a short guy. You may think I’m being a little harsh, but SUE ME if I don’t think Mr. Threesome is exactly marriage material. I wouldn’t be surprised if he were gone the first night, because Rachel has a really strong BS-o-meter.

PS- Short guys can be awesome, but I guarantee this guy would take it as an insult, which is exactly why I said it.

ALEX. 28, 6’2″, Information Systems Supervisor, doesn’t like music, ate a live salamander. 

alex

I’d like to take a poll: Is it more alarming that he doesn’t listen to music, or that he ate a live salamander? Also, what’s the deal with all these guys in their 20s? Rachel is 32. I’ve never wanted to date a guy in his 20s, even while in my 20s. WHAT ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH made producers think Rachel would want to date a guy in his 20s?? At that age, they’re proud of eating live salamanders and having threesomes, for goodness sake.

Also, this guy’s hair is outrageous. He might stick around for a few episodes, though, because the salamander thing is the worst thing in his bio, which can potentially be overlooked when compared to the things you’re about to learn about the other guys. $50 he waxes his eyebrows, though.

ANTHONY. 26 (dear god), 6’3″, Education Software Manager, claims to be emotionally intelligent, believes nothing is off limits in the bedroom.

anthony

This guy has major Taylor syndrome. I’m hoping he was being funny about the emotional intelligence reference, in which case, 10 points Gryffindor. But based on the rest of his bio, he was being 100% serious. He’s obviously very smart, in case you can’t tell by how much space his brain takes up on his head, but has potential to be pretentious to the max. Let’s give him Top 10.

BLAKE E. 31, 6’0″, Aspiring Drummer, has “D” for “Dog” tattooed on his arm, calls his ex-girlfriends crazy.

Blake

Bruhhhhh. First of all, I know like 50 drummer gigs you could get right this second, so what’s going on with that? Second, you got a “D” for “Dog” tattooed on your arm in honor of the dog you rescued? What? Like..? I would attempt to overlook those things, but then you called your ex “crazy.” Lesson #1 for all women vetting men in the dating world: If they call their ex crazy, it’s because they’re jerks who drove their ex crazy.

I could go on and on about every single one of his bio answers, but instead I’ll just silently say a prayer that Rachel sends him home the first night.

BLAKE K, 29, 6’0″, US Marine Veteran, likes fanny packs, would like a “long” mate.

blake k

I have no clue why “long” was an adjective Blake K used to describe his ideal mate, but we’ll brush that aside because I loved the rest of his bio. He said “Chipotle is my life” which leads me to believe he likes that viral YouTube video of the little girl saying “Chipotle is my liiiiiiiife”…or was that a video of me. Anyway, Chipotle is objectively delicious and anyone who argues with me will have to go through Blake K.

Blake K is also scared of sharks, which means he’s v smart. His dad passed away, so he’s been through enough in life to have a steady head on his shoulders, and loves his mom a lot, which is a great sign for husband material. Don’t know what his current job is, but he used to be a marine, and that’s good enough for me.

BRADY. 29, 6’2″, Male Model, enjoys tackling snowmen, doesn’t like paying for women on dates.

brady

This bunch is really testing me, because I’m having to ignore certain things that are normally serious dealbreakers for me simply because every single guy has something in his bio that’s a dealbreaker. This guy, who I’m pretty sure starred in the movie Brink!, openly complains about paying for dates. Sorry if I’m old fashioned, but I think that’s super unattractive. Still, he doesn’t like “total bros” and is super close to his family, so perhaps there’s hope. Probably not. He’ll be middle of the pack.

BRYAN. 37, 6’2″, Chiropractor, speaks Spanish, wants 3 kids.

bryan

BRYANNNN YESSSSS!!!!! This guy is a beacon of light in the darkness. Correct age: check. Real job: check. Answers “I hate when my date…” with “has bad table manners” instead of something about being disappointed by her physical appearance. I’m telling you, BryGuy is one to watch. Top 4. And his hair looks even better than the Brink! guys’ hair despite being almost 10 years his senior. Great genes.

BRYCE. 30, 6’2″, Firefighter, wants a woman with “eyes you could drown in and a smile that insults the sun.”

bryce

I won’t even bother making fun of his outrageous answers to all his bio questions because this guy is obviously the type who thinks he’s really cool and funny, but isn’t. Hard pass.

DEAN. 26, 6’2″, Startup Recruiter, lots of women try to bite him during sex, thinks marriage is an institutionalized sham but also plans on making it a lifelong commitment. 

dean

He definitely looks like a Dean, right? Dean has pretty eyes and semi-normal answers, so I have to root for him. The fact that he’s a Startup Recruiter will remind Rachel that he’s a toddler, though, which she won’t be able to get past. Top 8.

DeMARIO. 30, 6’4″, Executive Recruiter, has serious plans to own a pet lion, references pop culture regularly.

demario

This guy has TONS of energy, but I think I like him. Denzel Washington is my favorite actor, too, which makes me feel like I really get this guy. The great mystery of DeMario is what is lurking at the bottom of his long necklace. Top 6.

DIGGY. 31, 5’11”, Senior Inventory Analyst, prefers day drinking, favorite movie is Devil Wears Prada.

diggy

Diggidy doggg I just want him to smile at me for the rest of my life. He might be friend-zoned, but I’m hoping he sticks around at least through a few foreign countries because he seems like a genuine sweetie who keeps it real. Luh you, Diggilicious.

ERIC. 29, 6’2″, Personal Trainer, favorite drink is “Green Drink,” doesn’t like dealing with money.

Eric

His smile doesn’t reach his eyes, which concerns me. I’m also concerned that he thinks “Green Drink” is a real thing. He seems outgoing and fun without being too insane, though, which will give him a boost above the large list of crazies on this list. Top 10.

FRED. 27, 6’0″, Executive Assistant, sometimes gets aroused at work, prefers for his dates to pay for the meal.

fred

Why does Fred look like one of my dad’s golfing buddies? Rachel is “older,” sure, but she still wears trendy leotard-shirts tucked into frayed shorts, so she’s not THAT old. Even worse is that Fred is a badddd combo of age vs. personality. He looks really old but everything in his bio screams immature baby child. Gah-ross. Gone night one.

GRANT. 29, 5’11”, Emergency Medicine Physician, doesn’t care about world history, favorite magazine is Playboy.

grant

I don’t want to look past the Playboy thing, but again, this cast of characters is really forcing me to #settle. He’s a doctor, so that’s nice. Woulda thought a dentist just from lookin’ at him, but an EMP (just made that up) will do. He seems to get along with people, which producers will hate. Ehhhh let’s give him at least one foreign country before he gets the boot.

IGGY. 30, 5’11”, Consulting Firm CEO, likes dad jokes, favorite magazine is Harvard Business Review.

Iggy

Bet he was real annoyed when another “Iggy” got famous and it turned out to be a blonde Australian rap queen. I will also bet 3 boxes of Velveeta Shells & Cheese that he went to Harvard, because he made SURE to slip that in somewhere. He also plays rugby and loves Tom Hardy, which makes me think he might only like white girls…so is he here for the right reasons? We’ll find out.

JACK STONE. 32, 5’11”, Attorney, says tulips are roses without thorns, likes women who play the game.

jack

So “Jack S” just wasn’t good enough? Is he marketing himself for something? And is it gel or a jew fro? So many questions for Mr. Stone. His picture looks like he was about to do Blue Steel but changed his mind last minute. Pro: He’s an attorney. Con: His name. Pro: His bio answers are pretty normal. Con: He might be an elf.

JAMEY. 32, 5’9″, Sales Account Executive, having a tattoo removed, doesn’t believe in making life plans.

Jamey

The fact that he doesn’t believe in making life plans and that he’s currently having a tattoo removed makes a LOT of sense. His ideal mate looks like a model, which means he either would date quite literally anyone OR he has a very narrow view of what models look like. Probably the latter. At 5’9″, he’s going to look like a straight up leprechaun next to the other guys in the house, which I actually think will work to his advantage because Rachel won’t want to send him home right away for fear of looking shallow. Thus, he may make it to week 3.

JEDIDIAH. 35, 5’10”, ER Physician, built his parents a house, had sex on a glacier.

jedidiah

I’ve never wanted a man to use eyebrow filler so much in my entire life, but I think (hope?) it’s one of those things that’s more obvious in pictures than in real life. This guy is a catch, especially if you squint a little. He seems very charitable, but not in a pretentious way, and clearly makes bookoo bucks. Also has bible verse tattoos, so I’m going to really hope that he actually loves Jesus. Top 10.

JONATHAN. 31, 6’2″, Tickle Monster, describes himself as funny, lost his virginity to his ex-wife.

Jonathan

Bless.

JOSIAH. 28, 6’3″, Prosecuting Attorney, says he’s a natural born leader, got catfished by a pregnant woman.

josiah

Usually people who describe themselves as funny (see: Jonathan) are in fact, the least funny people in the world. Same for people who describe themselves as “a natural born leader.” That said, Josiah is tall and smart, so there’s a good chance he’s just used to peacocking and got a little carried away with his self-description. I forgive him because he likes long phone calls with his mom and admits that he can’t dance. I think Rachel will like his confidence. Top 4.

KENNY. 35, 6’0″, Professional Wrestler, has a daughter, refers to his occasional sexual mishaps as “Quick Draw McGraw.”

kenny

He’s one of those embarrassing dads who wrestles for a living and makes up names for his penis, but at the end of the day, he’s a real sweetheart who just wants to watch chick flicks and have a good cry. I’m not sure there are many dads like that out there, actually, but somehow it feels like a category. He won’t last very long because Rachel sure as heck isn’t introducing her father– the federal judge– to a professional wrestler.

KYLE. 26, 5’11”, Marketing Consultant, thinks most authority is corrupt, into BDSM.

kyle

Kyle looks perpetually surprised. Kyle thinks authority is corrupt, yet will be dating the daughter of a federal judge. Kyle is an oversharer. Kyle should go home.

LEE. 30, 5’11”, Singer/Songwriter, admires his “Mamaw”, likes making women emotional and happy.

lee

Aw, sweet Lee. Either he really really wants a particularly southern image for his music career, or he’s about to be eaten alive by the other men in the house. I can guarantee you Rachel will not get engaged to this person.

LUCAS. 30, 6’0″, Whaboom, likes to “bump and grind,” owns an ant farm.

lucas

He was v drunk when answering these questions. We may never know what he meant by “Whaboom” as a career. If I had to put money down, I’d say he’s the guy who gets naked and jumps in the pool the first night.

MATT. 32, 6’3″, Construction Sales Rep, basketball coach for inner city kids, doesn’t do online dating. 

Matt

I see you, Matt. I see you. This guy is a good one. At least on paper. Rachel will like him a lot. His parents are his #relationshipgoals, he gives back to the community, and didn’t mention sex a single time in his bio. Matty, I like you. Top 4.

MICHAEL. 26, 6’0″, Former Professional Basketball Player, has my favorite scripture as a tattoo, follows a Paleo diet.

michael

This guy is super sweet. He doesn’t like to be the center of attention, yet seems confident in his answers. He could fade into the background when surrounded by tons of in-your-face types, but I have high hopes that Rachel will see past some of the clutter. Top 4.

MILTON. 31, 6’5″, Hotel Recreation Supervisor, has a tattoo inside his bottom lip, compares himself to Kobe Bryant.

Milton

There are definitely worse bios in this bunch, but definitely better. He seems like 31 going on 25, but perhaps the biggest red flag is that he wants to “break into acting.” Ehhhhhh top half of the bunch because he and Rachel will bond over their tooth gaps. Or not bond…? Get it?

MOHIT. 26, 6’0′, Product Manager, wants to dress up as gluten for Halloween, has used Tobasco in the bedroom.

Mohit

Me likey Mohit. He looks like an eagle and it’s strangely patriotic and exotic at the same time. His answers screamed “I’m normal!”, minus using Tobasco in the bedroom. You’re a freak Mohit!! He likes to dance, and his favorite childhood memory is meeting the Power Rangers. You really can’t go wrong here.

PETER. 31, 6’3″, Business Owner, has a tattoo of Ironman, scared of heights.

peter

Another gapper. I guess producers were really running with the whole theory that we’re attracted to people who look like us..? Not that Peter and Rachel look alike, but you get my point. (One of my bffs, who happens to be black, and I used to be told we “look alike” in high school. To this day, I always point out who’s who in pictures.) Peter seems pretty cool, and I just realized he has a tattoo of Ironman not because of the movie but because he’s completed 3 Iron..men? Mans? Three really hard triathalons. Top 6.

ROB. 30, 6’2″, Law Student, calls college “university” and is a U.S. alien, which means we can assume he has an accent.

rob

Omg Rob is SUCH a Rob. Also, if he’s a law student, that kinda makes Rachel his legal superior, which will definitely turn him on or cause shrinkage…we’ll have to watch to find out. I’m hoping for a British accent, but could be totally fine with Eastern European or Australian. He’ll be around for a while because accents are every girl’s dream. Have you even watched Love Actually? Ew, Colin was so gross.

WILL. 28, 6’3″, Sales Manager, loves Jurassic Park, never had a good experience on Tinder.

will

William. What a doll. He claims to be a bit reserved at first, which means my initial instinct upon seeing him and thinking “friendzone” will certainly be the truth. He’s the James Taylor/Wills of this season. She’ll keep him around until the Top 8 because he won’t scare her like most of the other guys.

 

Well that’s a wrap, folks. Officially the tallest group of men to ever be in one room with the exception of an NBA locker room. Also, in case you didn’t notice, I didn’t see any of these blokes as a shoo in to win or make Top 2. This season is going to be all over the place, I can feel it. These dudes have lots of layers, like Ashley S’s onion, that Rachel will need to peel back and slowly become horrified by what’s underneath.

But here’s my Top 4:

Bryan* (fav)

Josiah

Matt

Michael

Or maybe Blake K and DeMario will be in there. Who’s to say. This group has me seriously perplexed.

See you tomorrow morning for the first recap of the season! THE TIME IS UPON US.