I forgot how much Corinne was freaking out at the end of last week’s episode when Nick was sending home Kristina. She thought he’d send her home, too, which is fair since I’m pretty sure she’s the only person in Bachelor history to make it to hometowns without a one-on-one date. However, I also think she’s the only person in Bachelor history to put whipped cream on one of her lady lumps and tell the Bashler to lick it off. It all evens out.
We finally get a solid shot of Vanessa sitting on the couch with the three other remaining contestants. Remember, Vanessa was MIA all of last episode when Nick decided that a neonatal ICU nurse and an orphaned woman from Russia who overcame all odds weren’t worthy of his love. Vanessa is wearing full makeup while the other girls are bare-faced and forlorn, which only heightens my suspicion that she went home for a few days to regroup. Producers swore to her Nick was going to choose her, which is how they got her to come back to the show, so she’s feeling confident and ready for her close up.
Nick hasn’t had a rose ceremony since there were 12 girls left (there are now only 4), and he’s not going to start now. However, they’ll have absolutely no way to market the show if all signs of roses go out the window, so Nick shows back up at the girls’ house (refresher: Bimini) and unceremoniously hands each of them a rose as they sit on the couch. He even gives another rose to Raven, despite having given her a Hometown rose on the last group date. He admits that a lot has happened since he gave her that rose, and wants to make sure she still accepts his offer. “These roses represent a two way street.” The marketing team thanks him, then they pack up and get ready to prep Raquel for her big debut.
Riding a four wheeler through mud in a pink helmet and daisy dukes that would look downright offensive if I wore them, Raven the Alien speeds her way toward Nick, who is waiting anxiously in a swamp wearing jeans, a white tee, and expensive shoes that are about to meet their fate. Karma’s a b****, Nick.
Raven continues to be the funniest girl to ever be on this show in the most low-key way by making Nick ride on the back of her four wheeler while she does the driving. LOL. She takes him to a grain bin, which looks like a water tower, but it’s full of grains because, Hoxie.
They start climbing to the top, where “secrets happen,” but all of a sudden a police car shows up. Nick has zero chill and zero brains because he obviously forgot he’s on a reality show where literally every last detail is thought out. He looks visibly angry with Raven for making him do something illegal, and worried that
he production would get fined. The police officer asks them to come down and show some ID. They don’t have IDs because Raven would have nowhere to put it, given that she’s not wearing any clothes, and Nick couldn’t fit a wallet in his skinny jeans. But joke’s on Nick, because the police officer suddenly reveals that Raven has been giving him trouble for years. My money was on an ex-boyfriend, but turns out he was her brother. Good one, everybody!!
Raven tries to make Nick feel less like a loser by giving him his own four wheeler for the rest of the afternoon. They ride deep into a swamp full of parasites and romance, where they run around forget all basic rules of hygiene.
Exhibit A: Further evidence that Nick is bad in bed. [It’s supposed to be the GIRL who straddles you, Nicolas!!]
Check out his fancy leather shoes sticking out of the water in a final cry for help. #RIP
Honestly, their dynamic reminds me a bit of Sean and Catherine, who started with a really strong friendship that blossomed into a relationship that could truly last. The only difference is that Sean managed to think with the correct head about things, thus leading him to marry Catherine, becoming the only Bachelor ever to marry his winner. I will bet a month’s worth of soy chai tea lattes that Nick won’t choose the girl who is his best friend (Raven) because he’d rather choose the girl his southern head wants (Corinne) or the girl he feels like he *should* want (Vanessa).
That night, Raven puts on one of her many lingerie tops and introduces Nick to her adorable little family. It’s actually nice that this season, unlike last, features women who come from middle class families. Ben H only dated women in the 1%.
A year ago, Raven found out her dad had cancer. The first thing her parents do is sit her down and tell her that while she’s been filming, they got the news that Dad is cancer free! Nick definitely feels like he shouldn’t be here for such a serious (albeit joyous) family moment, so he just starts clapping as if something exciting just happened in a golf tournament.
Raven’s parents are pretty normal, telling Nick and Raven they didn’t expect to be okay with their relationship, but are surprisingly impressed by Nick, so they’ll offer their blessing. As Nick and Raven say goodbye, she tries to tell him that she loves him, but can’t muster the courage, so she kisses him goodbye and just says, “I’ll miss you!” It’s actually a really genuine interaction, and makes me like her even more.
Do you guys really want to hear about Rachel’s Hometown? I mean, we all know she’s not going to win this thing, right? Alas, I’ll breeze through it for ya.
Rachel brings Nick to her all-black church, because she wants him to get used to being the minority. Nick claps on the 1 and 3 instead of the 2 and 4, but all-in-all, he handles it pretty darn well. They have a cute conversation about being an interracial couple, and Nick assures her that he isn’t color blind. “I know you’re black,” he confirms. But also it doesn’t matter, because he likes her for who she is, not her skin color. Again we see Rachel bringing out the side of Nick that is likable, which is sad because I know our glimpses of his redeeming qualities are sure to end soon. She even got him to dress like a real man, in actual slacks instead of skinny jeans (though very slim cut) and a button up that isn’t “distressed” or with the sleeves rolled up.
Rachel’s lawyer-meets-Sunday-best look is FLAWLESS, like something Olivia Pope would wear. And no, I’m not just saying that because Rachel is black. But she is black. I know that and so does Nick.
Sadly, Rachel’s father (the federal judge) couldn’t make it to family dinner because of work obligations, but thank God her brother-in-law was there. Her older sister is married to a white guy named Alex, who does everything in his power to make Nick feel equally comfortable and totally awkward at the same time. Alex begins by saying, “I can’t help but notice that you’re white like me.” I LOVE YOU ALEX.
Rachel’s little sister asks Nick if he knows what everything is on his plate, assuming that white people only eat gluten free pasta and quinoa. Nick giggles and says, “I’m not from mars!” then lists off everything on the plate:
- Mac and cheese
The fact that Rachel’s sister didn’t think Nick would know these foods really alarms me. If anyone thinks the racial divide in our country isn’t an actual issue, this should really make things clearer for ya.
Rachel’s mom continues the conversation about skin color by telling Nick that there might be more struggles than he thinks in regards to an interracial relationship. Nick continues to impress by handling all of the concerns beautifully, and they agree that they wish they didn’t even have to have this conversation in the first place. Mom gives Nick her stamp of approval by comparing him to her husband, which sends Rachel into a tizzy of happiness. It’s the first time I realize that she’s going to have her heart completely broken before finding out that she’s the Bachelorette, and I am very upset thinking about when that time comes.
Corinne greets Nick in a flowy crop top and sneakers that have fuzzy balls on them because fuzzy balls pair nicely with platinum vagines. She informs him that they’re going shopping in one of the most exclusive malls in Miami! I honestly had no idea that exclusive malls existed, which just shows how excluded I am. As they walk into each shop with giant bags that are supposed to remind us of Pretty Woman, Nick notes that Corinne is on a first name basis with all the shop owners. He soon realizes it’s because they always have to call her an Uber to take her drunk ass home every time she shops with them while chugging champagne (which apparently they always offer). Or maybe it’s because her average spending amount is equivalent to that of one month’s pay for the above-average American.
She explains to Nick that the dressing room is your holy ground, and proceeds to dress him like a Miami Ken Doll. My personal favorite were the bedazzled loafers, though my husband was really impressed by the dress shoes covered in hair of the original Grinch. See Exhibit B:
They pass on the $800 sweatpants, but decide on a more practical $3,500 purchase of Nick’s 38th pair of black skinny jeans and his 11th grey sweater. Throw in a pea coat because why not. Corinne uses daddy’s credit card to pay for everthing, which means Nick’s balls have officially been replaced by the pair on Corinne’s shoes, which her father will have no problem reminding him as soon as they sit down.
Jim, the Greek father, to Nick: “My biggest concern is that you can’t afford Corinne’s lifestyle, and she will have to be the breadwinner.”
Nick interprets this correctly, which is to say that Jim would actually be the breadwinner by continuing to give his daughter a bottomless credit card. Nick assures Jim that he hopes to be the breadwinner, but is grateful that Corinne loves him enough to say that she’d actually go to work if it meant they could be together. After a few minutes, Jim is drunk enough on his 15-year-old scotch that he gives Nick his approval, and reminds him that if he chooses Corinne, he’ll always have good scotch at his disposal.
No joke, I’m 99% sure my dad said the same thing to my husband when he was asking for my hand in marriage. But I didn’t come with a bottomless credit card or anything pretentious, for the record. Just the good scotch and a lifetime of Broadway sing-alongs.
Jim sums up the night: “I think Nick is the lid to Corinne’s pot!”
Aha!! Now we know where Corinne gets her creative phrasing from.
He also speaks exclusively in the third person, which is yet another Corinne-ism that now makes much more sense.
You may have noticed that I skipped right on over the most anticipated part of this Hometown, Raquel the nanny. But everybody, what is the NUMBER ONE rule of Bachelor world??
Say it with me!
Teasers are always better than what happens.
Teasers area always better than what happens.
But since you must know, here’s what Raquel did:
- Handed Corinne’s mom a glass of wine right at the exact moment that Corinne’s mom was telling Nick that she wouldn’t be able to do anything without Raquel. The mom didn’t even have to LOOK. The glass just slipped perfectly into her hand out of thin air. And with that, I suddenly understand why Corinne loves Raquel so much.
- Told Nick that Corinne is like a daughter to her. V sweet.
And here’s what Raquel didn’t do:
- Make cheese pasta
- Beg producers to save her
Listen, I know that Corinne’s entitlement and access to money is a bit insufferable, but can I just say that maybe she deserves love too, and Nick might be her perfect match? They’re both a little awkward, both a little annoying, and both think they’re better in bed than they actually are. To top it off, I actually thought it was really sweet to see a more vulnerable side of Corinne as she explained to her dad that Nick sees something in her that most people don’t see. I mean, most of America doesn’t see it either, but apparently this could mean that she and Nick are actually meant to be. Call me crazy, but I won’t hate it if Corinne wins. I mean, come on, can you really see Nick being selfless and mature enough to date Vanessa? Or fun enough to date Raven? This show is about him finding a perfect match for HIM, not the most perfect girl on the show.
Good god Vanessa looks so gorgeous in her leather pants, white lace up blouse, and fur vest. Nick looks like Nick in his open-front blue sweater over a white v-neck. She informs him that they’re going to meet her special needs students, which is a stark contrast to his shopping date with Corinne. But our little Bachelor chameleon Nick does what he does best by perfectly reflecting whichever woman he’s with.
He is very sweet with her kids, who are actually adults, not kids, as he helps them make a scrapbook of his adventures with Vanessa. One of the students is obviously very in love with Nick, and it’s hilarious. Before you imagine a sweet little girl, let me inform you that it’s the oldest bald guy in the class. I love it.
This date is way too earnest for reality TV. The fact that a group of special needs students began bawling when they saw Vanessa because they missed her so much was pretty jarring after having just watched Nick makeout with Corinne after she said “I love you.” (Oh yeah, Corinne say ILY, btw.) Vanessa is clearly someone truly special, as seen by how she works with her students, and deserves nothing less than a prince.
The problem is that poor Vanessa really had no clue what she signed up for. I know for a fact that you can’t watch The Bachelor in Canada, because my very best friend in the whole world lives in Toronto. You can’t even get it on Hulu. Maybe Vanessa and her family have watched the Canadian version of the show, but based on this hometown date, the Canadian version must be very very different than our OG American show.
Vanessa’s family is very confused as to why Nick and Vanessa can’t answer basic questions, like how they plan to merge their lives since they live in two different countries, and what they plan to do for work once all of this is over. Don’t be silly, family, why would we know that??
Vanessa’s big sister Elsa repeats herself for good measure:
Later on, at Vanessa’s dad’s house (her parents are divorced, so she had two separate family events), her father balks when Nick asks for his blessing if he should propose to Vanessa. Dad says, “Have you asked this same question to any of the other dads on this season?” Nick tries to dance around the question. “It’s a yes or no question,” quips Vanessa’s dad. DANGGGG. Nick confesses that yes, he’s asked the same question of other dads. This doesn’t go over well.
Vanessa’s dad tattles to Vanessa, and warns her that Nick has asked other dads for approval. She is SHOCKED and for the first time realizes that he may have feelings for the other girls left. Her Italian sass is in full force when she vents to the camera about the audacity of a man asking a father for his blessing without intending to marry his daughter.
Man, Bachelor Canada must be really boring.
Next thing we know, Nick is in New York City, waiting to send a girl home at a rose ceremony (I’ll believe it when I see it). He claims that NYC is his favorite city in the world, which is why they’re there, but we all know he’s actually there because that’s where Andi Dorfman lives. You know, the Bachelorette who first broke Nick’s heart. I did a review of her tell-all book HERE, if you’re interested.
I have no clue what he and the girls rambled about as they were each getting ready in their individual rooms, because I was just trying to figure out where they were, exactly. Based on the view from Nick’s room, I’m 99% sure he was actually in Jersey City. But then from the girls’ balconies, it seemed that they were in Brooklyn. I’ve never asked for a response from the people on the show who read this blog (I see you when you like my Instagram posts), but could someone PLEASE confirm where they were all staying? It is really bothering me and I need to know if my knowledge of NYC skyline views are correct.
We’re left with a TO BE CONTINUED right when Andi shows up at Nick’s door to have a chat. I would like to say that I’m very proud that I guessed it was her last week based on her leather leggings and barrel curls. Do I know my Bachelorettes or what?