In the spirit of ABC, I feel like I should start this recap off by spoiling a few things. How about we begin with the spoiler that Rachel is the new Bachelorette! Shall we take a look back on what I said about her in the very first recap of this season?

First one-on-one time (that we see) goes to Rachel. Yes! They have amazing chemistry, and he seems thoroughly impressed by her humble confidence. They talk about normal things, like coming from big families and what they do for a living. Someone give this girl the Bashlerette gig already!”

Boom shakalaka!

I’m super stoked that Rachel is the “Bashlerette.” Yes, it’s awesome that we *finally* have a black lead, but I’m also so excited that she’s the oldest Bachelorette in franchise history (31), is well spoken, down-to-earth, truly confident (not the kind of confidence that comes from being hot all your life, but a deeper confidence from within), successful in her career, and straightforward. She’s not going to embarrass herself or do anything over the top. Instead, we can bet on a season of class with the right amount of sass.

Also let it be known that I said this in the Episode 3 Recap:

“I think Rachel could benefit from a side part, but I trust stylists to make the right choice when they prep her to become the next Bachelorette.”

And would you lookie here:

rachel bachelorette

She looks so beautiful, and I just couldn’t be happier for her and Bachelor Nation.

Okay, onto a few more spoilers. Not real spoilers, but just things that happen in last night’s episode.

  • Kristina and Danielle M go home
  • Nick doesn’t have sex with Corinne
  • Vanessa either got severe food poisoning or went home for a few days before being convinced to come back on the show– still unclear which one

See ABC? You’re not the only ones who can present things out of order!

FYI, Rachel is still on the show, which is why I’m bitter. So now we know that Nick doesn’t choose her. I mean, we all know he’s going to choose Vanessa or…dare I put this in writing…Corinne, depending on which head takes over during fantasy suite dates. But I still wish ABC would’ve just waited a week to announce Rachel. They did what they did because they know this spoiler won’t affect ratings, just like announcing Nick while he was still on BIP didn’t affect ratings. If anything, more people will tune in next week just to see what Rachel is like, including viewers who haven’t been watching this season due to Nick’s reputation. STILL, I’m a traditionalist, so give me the new lead announcement during After the Final Rose and a rose ceremony in each episode.

Alas, rose ceremonies met their death this season, as well.

Speaking of death, that’s what all the girls look like the morning after Nick told them that he didn’t think he would fall in love with any of them. He decides to have a chat with Chris Harrison on a very crowded portion of the beach, because they’re just two regular guys having a regular conversation. Nick tells CH that he doesn’t trust his own emotions after thinking he was in love with both Andi and Kaitlyn. CH tells him he’s scared. Nick agrees. Two things would’ve made this conversation better:

  1. If CH had a degree in counseling, and the ability to say anything more than the obvious
  2. If Nick had a degree in acting, and could actually make what he’s saying believable

Nick should’ve just called Bella.

After their chat, Nick stands up, tries to squat and walk a bit at the same time to loosen the wedgie his short shorts are giving him, and takes his perfectly white sneaks on a walk back to the girls’ hotel, where they’re all sitting looking around looking like death. He barges in a second time in 12 hours, tells them that he likes them all a lot more than he liked Danielle L, and so he’s not as scared to keep trying. They understand because they, too, have said stupid things when they’re drunk. You’re not alone, Nick.

With that, he cancels the rose ceremony because otherwise he’d have no girls left, and they head off to the island of Bimini. I was skeptical that this was a real place and not a just a magical world of his conscience Jiminy Cricket, but my husband confirmed that his Coast Guard ship almost pulled into Bimini one time, since they often travel to the same places the Bachelor goes. Probably to rescue the girls that are left alone on hurricane-ridden islands.

Danielle M throws her hat in the ring for the Bachelorette gig, expertly citing Resort World Bimini as a sponsorship plug while describing the girls’ new digs for the week. Too little, too late, Danielle.

The date card arrives, and it goes to Vanessa.

Let’s go deeper. — Nick

So sexual.

Corinne is jealous because this is Vanessa’s second one-on-one, even though Corinne hasn’t even gotten a first one-on-one yet. She also has a hunch that Nick isn’t being literal about going deeper, so does this mean my boobs won’t be able to woo him any longer? This is a catastrophe! Corinne proceeds to tell Rachel that she can’t even see Vanessa “going deep” because all she talks about is her family’s Italian dinners on Sunday nights and being a special needs teacher. UGH family and special needs kids HOW VAPID.

Corinne also confesses that she’s really bloated, which makes all of this even worse. Again, I highly relate to Corinne far more often than I was prepared to.

Vanessa loves her gold hoop earrings that her grandma gave her and wears them even though hoops are Regina’s thing and she was supposed to pretend she didn’t like them. She even wears them for a day of snorkeling, which honestly terrifies me because I feel like gold flashes in the water would attract sharks. But the good news is that at least she wasn’t on the group date (you’ll understand why in just a few minutes, hang tight).

Vanessa tells Nick she’s never been on a boat.

dont understand

The only interesting conversation to ever happen on a yacht in this series is when Sean and Catherine had a multiplication contest in Thailand.

Vanessa and Nick stick to the usual, talking about being scared of this process, but not wanting to give up because love is worth it. Then they jump into the water and make out underwater to the best of their ability, which goes pretty well because they already practiced zero-gravity kissing in the sky. It’s a very similar concept to kissing underwater. Except this time, Vanessa didn’t throw up, so that’s a solid improvement.

That night, Vanessa proves herself to be the most beautiful woman ever on this show/alive on earth by wearing an olive green number that makes me whimper in awe. She tells the camera that she is 100% sure Nick is falling in love with her, so she feels safe telling him how she feels.

Back in the days before Ben H, the Bachelor wasn’t allowed to express his feelings to any of the women, so no one was offended when they were met with a blank smile or a generic “I think you’re great” after confessing their love. So you see, Ben H didn’t only ruin life for JoJo, he ruined life for every future girl on The Bachelor who now thinks the lead will say “I love you” back if he really wants to.

Vanessa was less than enthused when, after saying “I’m falling in love with you,” Nick decided to quote that one Bachelor who pissed off so many contestants that his crop of girls literally started sending themselves home on purpose.

i like you a lot gif

The Italian rage started bubbling inside of Vanessa at Nick’s lame response to her vulnerable confession, but since she’s a classy gal, Vanessa holds it together. She logically realizes that Nick wanting to say the word “love” to only one girl this season isn’t terrible…it’s just terrible for her, for now.

I do have a theory that Vanessa quit the show right after this date, though, and forced producers to send her home, because she’s literally not around at ALL for the rest of this episode, even when her BFF Danielle M is sent home and gets to say goodbye to the rest of the girls in the house. Vanessa didn’t even make an appearance to give Danielle M a hug, which makes me think she was no longer in the vicinity. However, it looks like producers convinced her to fly back, because we get a glimpse of her at the tail end of the week, sitting on the couch looking 100% unimpressed. Anyway, just a theory.

Group date:

Corinne
Kristina
Raven

Let’s jump in with both feet first. — Nick

Nick kicks things off by rubbing sunscreen on Kristina’s inner thigh. I wouldn’t do that in front of Raven if I were him, unless he wants his eye taken out by a stiletto, but Nick is a brave man. Corinne actually reacts exactly like I would, yet again.

corinne ew

Turns out they’re swimming with sharks. That would’ve gotten a big HELL NAH from me, but I guess this is not about me. However, if you want to read about why sharks are my biggest fear, may I direct you to the story of when I was bit by a dolphin, as well as to the list I made with reasons why fighting a bear would be much better than fighting a shark.

Corinne asks the necessary questions:

Will there be a cage?

No.

So will they be toothless?

shark teeth

The girls hop in the water, but Kristina bails as soon as she sees the 10 foot man-eater swimming a few yards below her. Girl’s got GOOD INSTINCTS. I respect your decision, Kristina. She also alluded to possibly being on her period, so I’m even more convinced that she made the right choice. Nick bails as well to “comfort her,” but really he is just thrilled for a reason to get out of the water before Alexis seeks her revenge.

Corinne is left bobbing at sea, helpless and cold.

Raven the Alien is nowhere to be seen, most likely because she’s beneath the surface petting the sharks. She tells the camera that sharks can smell fear, so she’d punch one in the face. And she wouldn’t mind if they ate Kristina and Corinne because then Nick would have no choice but to give her the rose. I LOVE HER.

They all make it to the night portion of the date alive, but barely. Corinne’s eyes are only half-open because the champagne, sun, and jealousy are slowly turning her comatose. She turns to the only comfort she can find: cheese.

eating feelings

I think I’ve fully accepted my appreciation for Corinne.

One-on-one time breaks down as such:

Nick cries (literally) to Kristina about being scared, Raven makes him laugh when she refers to her father as daddy, and Corinne talks in the third person to him, saying “Nick should’ve given Corinne a one-on-one date.” Group date rose goes to Raven, since she’s the only one showing complete confidence, both in regards to Nick and in regards to man-eating sea creatures.

Next up, the most predictable dates of the season.

Nick sends Danielle M home on their one-on-one date, because she is as boring as she is sweet.

Nick keeps Rachel on their one-on-one date, because she needs to make it to Hometowns in order to become the next Bachelorette.

Sometime between Danielle M’s flight back to Nashville and Rachel braiding her hair back for her date, Corinne manages to sneak over to Nick’s room and try to convince him to get to know her on a deeper level. Not figuratively.

And I quote: “I’m gonna blow that room up!”

Ew gross, Corinne. Also, how is that possible after eating so much cheese??

She gets as far as getting him into the bedroom with the door closed and giving him a few instructions about squeezing vs. jiggling that I definitely did NOT need to hear, but he catches one glimpse of her platinum vagine and says “thanks but no thanks.” I have a feeling a platinum vagine sounds better than it feels.

Even still, I was pretty shocked Nick turned down Corinne. This officially makes me think he’ll choose Vanessa.

At the same time Corinne tells the camera that she’s only human and can’t help it if embarrassing things happen to her, we cut to a clip of her walk of shame out of Nick’s hotel, completely passing the automatic doors opening for her, and exiting through a push-door directly next to the automatics. Corinne, that was the second embarrassing thing you did tonight that you definitely could’ve avoided.

corinne gif

I truly wish this was a gif. But instead, you’ll have to imagine her walking past those automatic sliding doors as they open, and pushing open the heavy door all the way to the right.

As is tradition in Bachelor world, this scene was way more interesting in previews than it was in actuality.

Nick tells Chris Harrison that he doesn’t believe in rose ceremonies, so he’s going to send Kristina home in private. Chris Harrison reacts better than expected, given that this means he’ll be out of a job soon. Anyway, Nick goes to the girls’ villa, tells Kristina she’s too good for him (which she is), and she cries really hard in her rejection limo. Sorry for racing through, but my husband surprised me for Valentine’s Day by taking the day off work to be with me, so I don’t have time to analyze what this kind of rejection will do to a young woman’s psyche who’s already been orphaned in life.

Vanessa still doesn’t make an appearance to comfort Kristina when Nick leaves. Where.Is.Vanessa.

NEXT WEEK:

The girls wonder if all four of them will get Hometown dates, or if Nick will send home another girl first. Corinne thinks she might not get the chance to introduce Nick to Raquel, which saddens me as much as it saddens her. If anyone deserves a little airtime this season, it’s Raquel. They also tease that one of Nick’s exes returns to confront Nick, and based on the leather leggings and barrel curls, my money’s on Andi. In the end, Nick trudges around in some snow, saying something about wasted tears and wasted broken hearts.

I could’ve done with 10 fewer seconds of teasers and 10 more seconds of outtakes of Kristina and Raven balancing blocks of cheese in a tower on Corinne’s face as she sleeps.