Let’s jump right in, shall we?

The girls find out that Taylor was sent home on the two-on-one date when the Red Witch from Game of Thrones removes her suitcase from their suite. Josephine squeals with excitement because this means Corinne is staying! Looks like Corinne has made a friend in the house, folks! Raise your hand if you’re surprised it’s the thespian misfit? (Not to be confused with the lesbian misfit: Jaimi.) Listen, Josephine probably just likes having Corinne around to study her acting skills, because Corinne is the master of improv. The fact that she has managed to convince Nick that she’s mature– even when he’s fully aware that she has a personal nanny– is nothing short of theatrical genius.

Corinne-and-whipped-cream

Meanwhile, on the two-on-one turned one-one-one date:

Inspired by champagne and a serious pep talk from her producer, Taylor charges into the large foyer where Nick and Corinne are enjoying conversation about literally nothing. [Reminder: Taylor was sent home a few hours earlier and left in the swamp, which was neither good for her psyche or her hair.] She has zero flips left to give, so instead of sweetly asking Nick if she can talk to him, she looks straight at Corinne and says, “FIRST OF ALL, Corinne, you lied today.”

Whoa, Taylor, comin’ in hot!

“Nick, can we talk?”

Every ounce of his being says “no, go away,” but he manages to peep out the word “yeah” so that they don’t dock his pay. Corinne slams her champagne down on the table so hard that I think the glass will shatter, then blatantly ignores the rules and asks her producer WTH is going on, why is Taylor here, and will their talk be long enough for me to sneak in a nap?

Taylor takes Nick to sit with her on the front steps of whatever wedding venue they managed to buy out for the evening, and proceeds to tell him that Corinne is a liar. Then she pulls out the big guns and reminds him that even Vanessa has warned him about Corinne. Remember when she threatened to give you her rose back if you wanted someone like Corinne? At the name “Vanessa,” Nick perks up slightly, but only for about 3 seconds before his eyes glaze back over. He tells Taylor that dumping her had nothing to do with Corinne, he doesn’t think she’s a bully, and he’s still figuring everything out with the other girls in the house.

This was a very boring return, especially compared to Chad scraping his hands down the glass window of a secluded house in the woods before threatening to find Jordan Rodgers and murder him when the show was over. I hope producers don’t try to make the two-on-one Chad return a thing on every season. As seen by tonight, it doesn’t work unless you’re a deli meat-loving ‘roidy ex-marine. Taylor is just about as far from that description as possible, so all we got was a little A-cup side boob and repetitive cattiness.

chad gif

Corinne’s take on Taylor’s return: “What I learned today is that cats have nine lives, and b****es have two.”

I honestly spent quite awhile trying to figure out what Taylor’s two lives were, but then I decided it really doesn’t matter because a quote that good doesn’t need to make any sense.

Corinne and Nick stumble out onto the street to make out, and I’m impressed by her calf muscles. Maybe short people have better calf muscles because they’re always standing on their tip toes. #tallgirlproblems

Next thing we know, it’s time for the rose ceremony! The girls pull up to a historic home (we’re still in New Orleans, in case you’ve lost your bearings) in a horse-drawn carriage and high hopes of seducing Nick during the cocktail party. Unfortunately for exactly half of them, Nick was about to start his week long streak of sending as many girls home as possible so that he could end the season early and begin the process of sleeping with Bachelor groupies across the nation. Chris Harrison announces that there is no cocktail party, because Nick’s mind is already made up.

They file outside to hear their fate. At first I thought it was insanely cold because Jaimi’s lips were a shocking shade of lavender, but then I realized that was just the color of lipstick she selected for the evening. Lesbihonest…it wasn’t her best look. (Even though I really do think she’s a pretty rad girl– definitely one of the least annoying on the show.)

ROSE CEREMONY:

Danielle M, Rachel, and Corinne already have roses. The rest go to:

Kristina

Raven

Vanessa

Danielle L

Jasmine

Whitney

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! We say goodbye to Alexis the Gay Shark, which means this season is about to get a lot less entertaining. We also lose the thespian and the lesbian, Jospehine and Jaimi. That was a rather large cut, but it’s nothing compared to what’s to come.

Nick tells the remaining nine women that they’re heading to St. Thomas!

Upon arrival, the girls pretend to see Nick inside a sea plane with their naked eye from the hotel balcony. Verrryyyy convincing, ladies. They scurry down to the dock to greet him as the plane pulls in.

nick waving

In the first of three very colorful chubbies we see Nick wearing this episode, he immediately whisks Kristina away for a one-on-one date. This sends Jasmine into full freak-out mode because she thought she’d get the date. Jasmine, honey, did you really want your first one-on-one date to take place while you were wearing the exact same fitted cardigan sweater I wore in 10th grade while reading the morning announcements?

On their date, Nick finds out that Kristina has 8 siblings, which means they’ve apparently gone 6 weeks without ever having a real conversation. She gives him the Sparknotes version of her difficult childhood in Russia, but not too much, because they need to have something to talk about at dinner.

Nick tells her she’s strong and amazing, despite not really knowing any of the details, then kisses her. My husband yells, “Grab her neck!!”, and he does.

Producers couldn’t help themselves, so we find ourselves torn away from yet another date to witness more of Corinne’s outlandish behavior. The actual “dating” really takes a backseat on this dating show, in case you haven’t noticed.

You see, Corinne is unable to contain her excitement back at the hotel because the girls have been assigned a maid. With her jaw dropped in awe of her good fortune of having a new nanny for a week, she quickly puts Lorna to work.

“Lorna is like the St. Thomas version of Raquel! She can bring me my lobster dip and make sure my towels are fluffy! Raquel will be so jealous!”

Raquel, back in Florida:

jojo mom

We get it, Corinne has a nanny. GOT IT. I’M THERE.

At dinner, Kristina divulges all the incredible details of her youth. When she was a child in Russia, she ate lipstick out of hunger, and eventually got kicked out of her mother’s house at the age of 5 or 6 because her mother didn’t want to feed her. She found herself in an orphanage, never once visited by her mother, where she would grow up with other orphans until they were forced to make it on their own at age 16. Before she reached that age limit, she was offered adoption by a couple in the United States. At the age of 12, she had to decide whether or not she wanted to leave behind her sister and the other children who had become her family over the past 7 years—and likely never see them again– or stay with them and give up a better life in America. She began to cry as she explained how heartbreaking it was to leave everyone behind, but how grateful she is for her parents who adopted her.

UM WOW. You deserve so much better than a guy who continuously asks you on the date “how it feels to be on the one-on-one date” like he handed you a winning lottery ticket or something.

Obviously Nick gives her a rose because how could you not, and they dance the night away in the center of a circle of swaying islanders wearing white cancan skirts.

GROUP DATE:
Rachel

Raven

Vanessa

Corinne

Danielle M

Jasmine (Rachel says her name meekly, because Jasmine is very fragile at this point, and only wants a one-on-one date)

Life’s a beach. – Nick.

YIKES! This implies that there’s another two-on-one date this week, because Danielle L and Whitney are both left off the list. It should please Jasmine that she’s not on the dreaded two-on-one, but we’ll shortly come to see that she self-implodes anyway.

For today’s date, Nick chooses electric blue chubbies with neon orange seams.

nick st thomas

Raven chooses turquoise high-waisted bathing suit bottoms, which means she hasn’t learned the difference between dressing for women and dressing for men. Most fashion trends completely befuddle men, and I can assure you that according to my husband, high-waisted bikini bottoms have little to no sex appeal.

The girls and Nick take a catamaran to a different part of the island, where they play 3 on 3 volleyball. This is fun for the first 5 minutes, before the tequila shots completely infiltrate their bloodstream. Once that happens, things go sour really quickly.

Corinne looks for somewhere to take a nap.

Vanessa and Rachel realize that playing volleyball isn’t exactly quality time with Nick, so they begin to cry.

Danielle M doesn’t know why she’s crying but she is.

Jasmine cries because she reached her emotional limits about 4 days prior.

Nick asks where Corinne is. This makes everyone cry even harder.

When Corinne shows back up, Jasmine literally pushes her to the ground.

Raven stands by herself on the volleyball court, wondering if this game is every going to pick back up.

Dude, everyone is WASTEDDDDD.

Nick calls the date a wash, and doesn’t even bother trying to comfort his six girlfriends who are all sitting on the beach about 40 yards apart from one another, each having a personal cryfest.

girls crying

Except Corinne, who is ptfo. And Raven the alien, who is malfunctioning and still standing frozen on the volleyball court.

The girls show up at the night portion in an array of maxi dresses, all very much sobered up and in desperate need of a second wind.

Nick interpreted all the crying earlier as a sign that perhaps “this isn’t working.” I’ve been trying to like the guy, I really have, but this is the point where I throw my hands in the air and yell “It’s not the process that isn’t working, it’s YOU.” If a 36-year-old considers relationships “not working” the second there’s the slightest sign of needing to put forth actual effort, he is a lost cause.

Rachel reveals that she actually tried to quit the show at the end of the day date. Vanessa, too, is at her wit’s end. Even Corinne said it’s getting kind of hard to keep up the charade of not giving zero flips.

Instead of evaluating why these women are all so frustrated, Nick decides that maybe they’re just not the ones for him. He represents every guy out there who calls a girl a stage 5 clinger just because she texts him back the same day. To my single ladies out there, I’m so so sorry you have to deal with guys like Nick on the reg. Hang in there. Your Ben H will come along.

The only one who has no excuse for her behavior on this date is Jasmine, but at the same time, I think I blame alcohol, producers, and the lifetime of guys like Nick that she’s already dealt with. I can’t really blame her and her alone. Even still, let this be a lesson that you can’t cry to a guy and tell him he needs to give you more attention, then immediately switch to making a sex joke about wanting to choke him. Furthermore, if you tell a guy you want to give him a “chokie” in the bedroom, and he says “no thank you,” do not continue to talk about chokies.

nick choke

A valuable lesson, indeed. Nick tells Jasmine he doesn’t want to choke her back, so she should just head on home. At this point, she’s so fed up with men that she mutters, “Good luck, dude” as he puts her in the rejection van.

The next morning, Rachel, Raven, and Kristina are cuddling in bed together, looking absolutely worn to the core. They reveal that Raven got the group date rose (probably because she malfunctioned, and therefore was the only one not crying), then vaguely try to make excuses for Nick’s behavior, only to give up and fall back asleep.

Whitney and Danielle L are doomed before their two-on-one date even begins. I admit, I was surprised that Danielle L was on the chopping block, but perhaps he was more offended by what she looks like without weave than we could’ve anticipated. Twitter quickly became abuzz with questions about this Whitney girl and why we never knew she was on the show until now.

This is how the two-on-one shakes out:

Nick mistakes Whitney for Jen from BIP because they’re both tall brunettes with perfect bodies with whom he spends the majority of his time lounging on whimsical beds located on the beach. After about 3 minutes of talking with her, followed by 2 minutes of talking with Danielle L, Nick uses the exact same line he used with Jen to tell Whitney that “I really want to give you this rose, but in my heart, I can’t.” I held my breath, because I actually thought he might call her Jen.

nick whit

nick and jen 2

I’ll leave it to you to figure out who’s who.

It seems that Danielle is the lowkey villain of this season, because both Whitney and the remaining girls at the house comment on how she’s not a good match for Nick when Whitney’s suitcase is removed from the hallway. Didn’t see that animosity coming, but it doesn’t even play out into any drama, because Danielle is sent home before the clock strikes midnight. Nick takes her to the night portion of the date because they needed to fulfill their sponsor obligations to whatever cave and restaurant they visited, but Nick doesn’t even try to look interested in anything she has to say, even when she tells him she’s falling in love with him. He’s a real charmer. His eyes look so dead when she says those words that I wonder if he’s been roofied. After 45 seconds of silence, which is a terrible sign after you tell someone you’re falling in love with them, Nick repeats the same line he fed Jen Whitney, and walks her to yet another rejection van.

He sent SIX girls home in this ONE episode. Literally half of his remaining crop. Either ABC needs to free up their Monday nights, or Nick is giving up on life.

As Danielle L drives off, wondering if she was dumped because “Maybe I wasn’t perfect enough” (proof that the modern dating climate is deeply unhealthy), Nick waddles up to the girls’ room in his too-tight skinny jeans. He bursts in without even a knock, to find his six remaining girls makeupless and confused by his presence. He tells them that he is worried he won’t fall in love with any of them, and that he’s not sure he can keep doing this.

nick cry

Is he going to quit the show?? Also, are rose ceremonies still a thing?

NEXT WEEK: Every single girl is crying because Nick obviously made them feel extremely unworthy and unlovable, despite the fact that he might have 5 of the most impressive women to ever be on this show (a special ed teacher who speaks three languages, a Russian orphan who overcame all odds, a lawyer with mad dance skills, a neonatal ICU nurse whose fiancé died, and an alien). Then there’s Corinne, who decides she’ll turn this whole thing around by forcing Nick to penetrate her platinum vagine. Looks like that scene is FINALLY arriving! All I can say is that I hope Nick just needs to get laid, because his energy is really lacking. Never thought I’d say this, but perhaps a dose of Corinne is just what he needs.

You know what I need? The internet in my house to work so that I can publish this. Heading to Starbucks, brb…