Shout out to Morgan W. for sending me caffeine money on Venmo last Tuesday. I was dangerously close to pulling a Corinne and staying in bed instead of writing the recap, but that Venmo notification on my phone gave me the strength I needed to write about Nick cupping a 24-year-olds bare bosoms. You’re a real doll, Morgan. Thank you. [To my other readers, I’m still gladly accepting Starbucks money on Venmo in order to get through these recaps. No shame in my game.]

I was really looking forward to the beginning of this week’s episode, because we were left with a real cliffhanger last week. Nick had just told 5 of the group date girls that he and Liz had–gulp–sex at Janner’s wedding. Much to my surprise, we did not pick back up at the group date. Instead, we learn about everything that transpired by way of girls gossiping the next morning. Either a camera guy really screwed up the footage, or the girls’ reactions were super boring. We briefly learn that Christen got the group date rose because one of two reasons: A) she confronted Nick about Liz, or B) she finally blow dried her hair.

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We then learn more of what we already know as the group date girls fill in the others about the Liz sex scandal. Danielle and Vanessa seem annoyed. Kristina needs someone to translate in Russian. Alexis is thoroughly entertained.

After a day of gossip and primping, the girls are all ready for the night’s cocktail party and rose ceremony. In a floral pink tie and the grin of a 36-year-old man faced with a sea of 23-year-olds ripe for the pickin’, Nick dives into his opening speech. I’ve heard the story about Liz so many times at this point that I zone out and instead focus on each of the girl’s hair. A few notable observations:

  • Christen’s hair is still humongous even while completely straightened. I spent a lot of time trying to understand it.
  • Astrid needs lessons on how to use a curling iron, though I might be the only person in the history of her life to focus my eyes on anything above her neck.
  • I think Rachel could benefit from a side part, but I trust stylists to make the right choice when they prep her to become the next Bachelorette.

The first one-on-one time goes to Vanessa, who gets more gorgeous with every waking second. It hurts me to know that a 29-year-old special ed teacher who speaks three languages and has the face of an angel needs to go on a TV show to find love. I immediately email my deployed husband and thank him for proposing even though I sometimes get zits on my face and can only speak one language. This world isn’t fair (sorry, Vanessa), but at least I’m grateful.

While Nick entertains Elaceybeth (whichever one it was looked great in her gold dress), Josephine is the first girl to use the word “blindsided” this season, in response to the Liz news. She also taught me a new phrase, which I think I love: “I thought we are all nuts in a jar dating the same person.” Apparently Liz wasn’t a nut? Perhaps she was a stray raisin? Idk, but I plan on incorporating this phrase into regular conversation.

Nick’s conversations with Danielle L confirms to me that she, Vanessa, Rachel, and Raven are the frontrunners. I’m good with that.

Meanwhile, Corinne’s been hatching a plan to make Nick forget that he saw Liz’s lady parts before her own. How dare he have “intercourse” (her words not mine) with anyone else ever before in his entire life. While the rest of the girls are downstairs interviewing each other to find the JoJo to their Becca, Corinne is upstairs practicing how to make a trench coat sexy. Her silver dress is crumpled in the corner unwanted while she stands in front of the mirror and repeatedly unties the trench coat and lets it drop to the floor, revealing nothing but a black modesty box and years of sun damage.

She eventually saunters downstairs to find Nick. They cozy up on a stray pillow on the stone walkway, where she announces that she needs some whipped cream. As fate would have it, a bottle of whipped cream is sitting among the plants a stones throw away from Nick. She squirts some into his mouth, then licks it out. I want to look away. She then puts some on her left boob and instructs him to lick it off. I will him to be a reasonable adult and say “No, Corinne, we are national television. I will not suck on your breast.” But instead he takes a nibble and quickly wipes the evidence from his beard.

SERIOUSLY NICK?!

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After she flashes him her left nipple a few times to prove her complete nudity underneath the trench coat (and I repeatedly bury my face into my puppy’s fur for a dose of innocence), Nick’s interest starts to shift from 13-year-old boy to concerned father figure. It’s very troubling to watch. He pulls the coat closed so that she’s not sitting there with her boobs out, then calls over Jasmine to talk, who happened to be taking a stroll nearby. Corinne takes all of this as a sign of rejection (because it is), and rushes off to cry in the bathroom. I honestly have a hard time caring about her emotions beyond wanting her to go to therapy to learn some self-respect.

Just as I’m thinking Corinne and I have nothing in common, we learn that she is incapable of pushing through exhaustion. Lawd knows I get that. Instead of attending the rose ceremony, she chooses to go to bed since she already has the group date rose. This is unprecedented, and while Nick and the other women seemed shocked at her voluntary absence, I think this is a breakthrough in Bachelor protocol. I feel like if you already have a rose, the ceremony should be optional.

ROSE CEREMONY:

Corinne, Danielle M, and Christen already have roses. The rest go to:

Astrid

Taylor

Whitney (hasn’t had a date yet)

Kristina

Danielle L

Rachel (hasn’t had a date yet; first impression rose)

Vanessa

Raven

Jaimi

Dominique (hasn’t had a date yet)

Sarah

Alexis (I love her so much)

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Brittany

Josephine

There’s one more rose left, and the only girls left standing are 3 blondes and Jasmine. No question in my mind who will get the final rose.

Jasmine

Nick manages to get rid of the blondes faster than Ben H got rid of the brunettes, which is quite a feat. The only blondes left in the competition are Corinne and Danielle M., both of which I can’t see as Nick’s future wife for very different reasons.

We say goodbye to Hailey and Elaceybeth. Apparently Ben couldn’t tell them apart either.

The next morning, Chris Harrison strolls into the living room to tell the girls that they’d be going on really bougie dates this week, so get excited. Nick clearly let Chris borrow a pair of his jeggings, and they look better than I expected. Go, Dad!

Group date:

Danielle L

Christen

Kristina

Whitney

Taylor

Jasmine

Corinne

Everybody”…and Alexis explains that’s it. That’s all the card says.

All of a sudden, Backstreet Boys song “Everybody” blares through the sound system and the girls start scream. In walk Nick, AJ, Kevin, Brian, and Howie. (I had to Google their names because I was an N*SYNC fan myself, JustinJCChrisJoeyLance– no Google needed.) Rachel, Danielle L, Danielle M, Jaimi, Jasmine, and Vanessa are the only girls older than 26, so they all freak out. The rest of the girls are confused and think that One Direction aged really poorly, but start screaming nonetheless.

screaming bsb

The girls are informed that they’ll be backup dancers for BSB. Corinne looks terrified, but Jasmine looks stoked. Corinne notices Jasmine’s enthusiasm and says, “Oh, are you a good dancer?” The girl sitting next to Jasmine says to Corinne, “Have you been asleep? She was a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader.” For the first time ever, we see Corinne look less than confident.

The group date gals head off to a warehouse where the Backstreet Boys teach them the choreography. Corinne really is as bad at dancing as she said proclaimed. It’s so awkward, but I think everyone feels a little vindicated to see her brought down a few notches. Danielle L and Jasmine are killin’ it. Corinne starts crying, but no one cares, so producers have to convince Whitney to go comfort her in the bathroom. Whitney knows she needs more airtime, so she agrees, but her effort is minimal.

In matching ladybug outfits, the girls finally get their time to shine. They run onstage in front of 500 screaming fans (remember when Backstreet Boys used to sell out stadiums? Aw. Those were easier times) and gyrate to the best of their ability. The Backstreet Boys decide that Danielle had the best body– or the best chemistry with Nick, unclear which one– and give her the chance to slow dance with him while being serenaded with an a cappella slow song. I wish this a cappella moment was by Pentatonix instead of BSB.

The night portion of the date revolves around Corinne pissing everyone off, sleeping on a bean bag chair after her one-on-one time with Nick, and explaining that she’ll have to prepare her nanny for the idea of having kids with Nick. After all, Raquel the nanny would be the one to raise them! But she better still bring me my lemon and ginger cucumber bowl. 

Nick has mercy on our souls and gives Danielle L the rose.

One on one date:

Vanessa

You make me feel like I’m floating. — Nick

Everyone rightfully assumes that she’ll be going in a hot air balloon, but Chris Harrison wasn’t lying when he said these dates would be bougie.

The next thing we know, Nick is walking down a runway in a flight suit and aviators– the one and only time anyone is allowed to wear sunglasses on this show. Can’t let a good stereotype pass us by! He greets Vanessa to tell her that they’ll be going on a Zero G airplane to experience what astronauts go through in space! She suits up, and they’re off!

Depending on the plane’s motion, they’re either pinned to the ground and can’t move their limbs, or they float around as if there’s no gravity. This is really fun at first. They kiss in the air and bounce around like they’re kids. They seem to genuinely be enjoying themselves, which makes sense because they’re freaking floating. But reality comes crashing down around Vanessa when she realizes she’s going to puke. I can see it now: Chunks of vomit floating through the air as Nick dodges each fleck in slow motion. Vanessa begins crying, and her tears splash Nick in the face, so he momentarily closes his eyes and doesn’t see the gob of throw up floating directly towards him. Ohhh man, this is going to be so good bad.

Lucky for her, Vanessa manages to hold it in until producers can hand her a paper bag. Nick strokes her feet as she hurls, with his face mere inches from her as he tries to gaze into her eyes during the act. Instead of requesting some personal space while she gets sick on national TV, Vanessa finds his closeness endearing. The second time she vomits, he kisses her temple as it’s happening. I don’t know what to make of it, but it kind of gives me the warm and fuzzies. Could this mean they’re meant to be?

Once she feels better, they begin floating around again, though this time with less gusto. Nick softly kisses the corner of her mouth, which is ridden with invisible stomach acid and breakfast food. She softly says, “I puked.” He replies, “Still tastes fine,” and they proceed to makeout until the plane lands.

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TRUE LOVE, everybody!

The night portion of the date includes a Nick noticing how large Vanessa’s chest is, learning about her late grandfather, and sobbing because he likes her so much. I kid you not. She had to wipe the tears from his face. Perhaps Nick really is ready for love, but he’s just really bad at thwarting temptation (read: Corinne). Meh, either way, doesn’t sound like a great quality in a husband.

Vanessa gets the rose, and will most likely win this thing if she can get past his antics with the 23-year-olds.

Second group date:

Rachel

Alexis (thank God)

Aspen

Jaimi

Sarah

Brittany

Dominque

I’m done playing the field. — Nick

Josephine, Raven, and Danielle M don’t get dates this week.

The girls show up at a high school to find Nick running laps around a track in a tank top that fits a little to well and short shorts. He introduces them to three olympic track and field stars, none of which (I’m ashamed to say) I recognize. Rachel is the only one of the girls to recognize them, but the rest pretend to, just like I would’ve done.

This entire date is pretty boring so we’ll speed on through. The girls have to do a “Nick-atholon.” Dominique acts really insecure and can’t laugh at herself when she hits herself in the head with the javelin. It was hilarious. She should’ve laughed. Rachel proves herself to be the most athletic, and also the most loved by Nick. He wraps his arms around her at every opportunity. This does not go unnoticed by the other girls. Her only competition for attention is Astrid, simply because Astrid as the largest tatas known to man– and remember from night one, they’re al naturale! Everyone comments that she should’ve worn more than one sports bra. I mean, I was pretty much screeching in pain each time she took a step. The range of motion of those knockers was truly unnerving.

Rachel won the thing, but failed to grab the plastic wedding ring that signified a winner as she crossed the finish line, so Astrid got her hands on the ring first and “won” by default. Her prize was to jump fully clothed into the random hot tub sitting at the corner of the track. This must be the same hot tub interns dragged into the field where Lauren B and Ben fell in love on their first one-on-one date. Alexis was the only one who laughed the appropriate amount at the randomness of this hot tub. The other girls seemed to take it far too seriously.

The night portion was at a place called “Big Daddy’s,” which hit too close to home given the age difference between Nick and most of his biddies. The whole night revolves around Dominique crying that Nick hasn’t given her a fair chance. She decides that the best way to get him to start liking her is to cry and angrily tell him that he should’ve asked why she was sulking during the Nick-atholon. Shockingly, this tactic doesn’t work, and he sends her home right then and there.

Rachel gets the group rose because the sky is blue.

The next day, the girls get to have a pool party with Nick instead of the usual cocktail party. This is a recipe for disaster, especially when Corinne is still upstairs getting ready while the rest of the girls greet Nick and fight over who gets to rub him down with sunscreen. Corinne clearly has no interest in following the rules. She finally creeps downstairs and starts jumping around in a princess bounce house that apparently was placed in the driveway just for her. A producer tells Nick where to find her, and next thing you know, she’s straddling him in a child’s bounce house. They better use some serious disinfecting spray to wash that thing down before using it again at some poor 8-year-old’s birthday party.

bounce house

The bounce house has been strategically placed so that the other girls can see it from the balcony, but Nick can’t see that they’re able to see it. Thus he fully commits to dry humping in a bounce house with the Top Villain. I go to the kitchen and grab a slice of cold pizza because I can’t take it anymore.

At this point, the other girls are over Nick’s antics. Raven informs Nick that Corinne has a nanny. He asks what this means. Raven gives him the low down, drawing on an anecdote from earlier in the week when apparently Corinne didn’t know how to wash a spoon. I would’ve labeled this particular skill as self-explanatory, but Corinne truly is a special snowflake.

Taylor and Jasmine also give him a heads up about Corinne.

Nick only begins to take these warnings seriously when his #1 girl, Vanessa, gives him a stern talking-to. Remember when you tasted my throw up yesterday? That’s not happening again if you keep dry humping Corinne.

“What we had the other night was really special. And then I see you riding Corinne.”

“That’s fair.” (???)

“You already know people will be speculating about why you were able to become the Bachelor. [Translation: Bashler] So why would you do that? I’m not judging Corinne. I’m judging you.”

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“I don’t know.”

“Are you looking for a wife, or someone to f*** around with? In that case, I don’t want you to give me a rose.”

Vanessa is the most heroic woman to ever be on this show.

..TO BE CONTINUED

I miss the old format with rose ceremonies at the end of the episode. Also, who else is ready for things to stop revolving around Corinne?

See you next week, kiddos.

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