THREE ENGAGEMENTS, folks. And all three couples are still together as of present day. Is Paradise the best way to find love, after all? Want me to sign you up? I’ll do it. Just send me your info.
This finale episode started exactly how I wanted it to, with Evan rapping to Carly about why he likes her even though (or because?) she’s gluten free. Happily rocking white robes in their Fantasy Suite, these two can’t stop laughing after their night together. I’m all in with Kevin. I hope that becomes the title of their memoir: All in with Kevin: A Tale of Love, Underdogs, and Zika. The cover art should be a re-print of the canvas they made.
A bee pollinates some honey to remind you of what Grace just did in the Fantasy Suite. Same same but different. Lace is crying because Grant hasn’t told her he’s going to propose no matter what. “Why did we get tattoos if you weren’t sure you wanted to marry me??” For the first time, Lace poses a valid question. They part ways for the day in a precarious state: Already drunk on mimosas, unsure of their future, and second-guessing tattoos. Woof. That’s a bad morning.
Blankets everywhere. Pillows on the ground. Whatever couple this is certainly had an active night! Ah, it’s Jen and Nick. The hot ones. I’m glad they took advantage of their mutual hotness. Nick tells her he “feels closer to you than I ever could have imagined.” Sounds kinky!
Josh and Amanda enjoy some breakfast in bed, lip gloss and all. Amanda tells Josh that she usually sleeps in with her girls on weekends all the way until 8:30!! He looks terrified. Getting out of bed before 9 is a stretch for Josh, even on Mondays.
All of the guys individually head back to the Paradise “house” to pick out rings with Neil Lane. Neil is old pals with Nick, because Nick has almost proposed to two girls on this show before. Neil is also old pals with Josh, because Josh and Andi (well, just Andi) had to return the engagement ring because they didn’t get married. Neil likes Josh. All the publicity and none of the expenses.
Evan chooses to wear a sheer black t-shirt for the ring choice ceremony, which highlights his saggy pectoral region. I would take this opportunity to make fun of him, but as we learned yesterday, I am now completely on the Kevin train. I think Evan and Carly are adorable. Who cares if his pecs aren’t fighting gravity as well as Nick’s and Josh’s? Not this girl. I’ve got a soft spot for this guy, now. And he has a soft spot, too!
While the guys pick out one of three identical halo rings, with one solitaire thrown in for the heck of it, the girls put on their favorite maxi dresses and wander around the resort aimlessly. I imagine them waving at each other from a distance, one on each corner of the courtyard.
EVAN AND CARLY:
First to take the stage– not figuratively, there’s actually a dance floor in the middle of the beach– is Kevin. Evan smartly chooses a navy blue button down, which will hide the inevitable sweat that forms when standing under the Mexican sun while nervously waiting to propose (TAKE NOTE JOSH). Carly tromps on down to meet him in a black and purple sundress that, while not fashionable in any way, actually looks spectacular on her. Evan gives a wonderful little speech about their interesting path to love, including the hospital excursion. He ends with this killer line:
“I feel like my heart beats to your soul.”
I’d say it’s over the top, but I think he actually means it. It’s sweet. Love is sweet.
Carly returns the sentiments, not taking things over the top at all, but just casually saying, “I would die for you.”
And with that, the ring!
Evan gets down on one knee and says: “Carly Waddell, will you FREAKIN’ marry me??”
I can’t. But I can. Because I might’ve cried. Congratulations, you two weirdos! I actually think you’re quite perfect for each other, not that my opinion matters. But seriously, way to change all of America’s minds. Love doesn’t have to be a perfect trajectory of happiness and attraction from the very start, so thanks for showing us that we need to drop the fairytale and just be open to whatever way love enters our lives. (Why am I talking like I’m not already married?)
GRANT AND LACE:
Next up to the dance floor: Grace.
I feel like they should have their fresh ink safely wrapped up on the beach so it doesn’t get infected, but I guess neither of these people are exactly pros at thinking things through.
I get nervous that Grant isn’t going to propose because he chooses casual white sneakers for the occasion, but it seems that footwear is not a reflection of one’s earnestness.
These two left the Fantasy Suite confused about whether or not an engagement would happen, but Lace chooses not to shut down out of fear and alcohol, which is new for her. It’s very heartwarming to see. She tells Grant that no matter what he’s about to do, she wants him to know that she appreciates how patient he’s been with her, and has changed the way she looks at love. Awww, LACE!! That’s really good stuff. That’s nice.
Grant tells her that even though he still wants to have some serious conversations that matter before getting married, he knows that his life won’t be boring with her. (That’s for sure.) He wants to make babies together and start a life, and he wants that life to start right now!
He gets down on one knee, they get engaged, and it’s wonderful! LOVE!
NICK AND JEN:
There are a couple of signs to know that this won’t go well. 1) They get the worst time slot, at exactly 3 p.m., when the sun is directly in Nick’s eyes. He can only look at her with one eye open, which could also be because of guilt. 2) Nick is the next Bachelor.
They both tell each other that the other person has made them more vulnerable than they’ve been in a long time. Except Jen says “I love you” and Nick says “I want to love you, but I don’t.”
Listen, I’d call foul and say he knew he was going to be the Bachelor, so he dumped her, but from what I understand, he didn’t know until two days before the world found out, so I think this whole scene was very genuine. Poor Jen. She’s so pretty and normal. I hope she finds a guy who isn’t a douche bag and appreciates her for more than her perfect body. Nick could’ve been that, but oh well.
They both sob as they hug goodbye. Jen sweetly tells the camera that she’s mad at him. Aw, honey!! Nick tells the camera that he’s afraid he’ll regret his decision. (Spoiler: He won’t, because he’ll soon find out that he’s the next Bachelor.)
JOSH AND AMANDA:
Josh might as well be shirtless for this monumental occasion, because he sweats through his white shirt until he looks like he just jumped in the ocean. It’s so see-through that you can actually see the stubble from where he shaves his happy trail. He keeps telling the camera that he’s not sure he wants to propose since he hasn’t met the kids yet, and doesn’t want to rush into being a dad.
Amanda wears a blue maxi dress and ear plugs to drown out everyone yelling at their television screens to stop! Be careful! She gives Josh a long spiel about how she knows he’s her dream man and that Kins and Char will love him! I love you so much! Josh kisses her, which means obviously this will go well.
He pretends to be hesitant for dramatic effect, but then says “I didn’t know what true love was until I met you.”
Andi sits at home throwing rocks at the screen.
Josh starts sobbing, then blubbers, “Amanda, my love, will you marry me?”
She says yes, and Chris Harrison wraps things up by putting up a “Closed for the Season” sign on the beach!
Listen, I’m actually really happy for Josh and Amanda. Perhaps they’re like Peanut Butter & Jelly, and Amanda will bring out his best side. They seem genuinely happy and in love, so who am I to judge? Congrats, you two!
[Clearly I’ve been in a really good mood lately.]
Things to know: Daniel is still searching for the missing pieces of his space ship, and the Twins are still searching for their brains. (JK, I love the twins.) Ashley went on Millionaire Matchmaker because she’s still not over Jared. Vinny is getting lots of attention from random women in Florida. Caila is still perfect.
Carly is moving in with Evan in December.
Lace already moved in with Grant.
Josh already moved across the country to live with (or near? Unclear) Amanda.
Nick’s future looks bright!
They say literally nothing about Jen. RUDE.
On After Paradise, we learn that Bachelor in Paradise has been renewed for Season 4! I’ll be there. See you soon, Bachelor Nation.