Ever since the announcement of Nick as the new Bachelor, I feel like BIP needs to end. It’s like finding out what college you got into senior year…then waiting to finish out the rest of high school. Unnecessary, boring, and treacherously long.

The most riveting thing to happen this episode is that I finally got on board with Kevin.

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WHAT. Yes. You heard me. I’m back on the Carly train (was only briefly off…but I can’t stay mad at a girl that funny) and somehow, Evan was charming in his whitey tighties…? What am I saying? Help? I stand by it, though. Maybe it’s not so much Evan in a diaper that won me over, and more the fact that I actually think they really like each other. No games. No forced conversation. Just real laughs and real black boxes covering his excitement. Doesn’t get more real than that, folks!

Oh, I guess you actually want to know what happened in the episode. I’d rather tell you all my feelings about each couple, but FINE have it your way.

We’re graced (pun intended) with Grant and Lace discussing their future in the opening scene. Lace looks miserable, as she always does in Grant’s presence. This is usually a sign that someone doesn’t want to marry the person they’re with. Or in Lace’s case, it means you want to get a tattoo of that person on your wrist. More on that in a bit.

Jen and Nick play in the ocean, with the only purpose of the shot being visual stimulation for viewers. I’ve never seen two more perfect bodies in my life, and this is coming from a girl who watched JoJo prance around for an entire season of The Bachelorette. Jen has officially stolen the trophy for hottest female body in Bachelor history, and Nick has stolen the trophy from…Sean Lowe, maybe? Or Shawn Booth? Basically any Shonn on the show has always been ripped. But Nick is rippeder. Bachelor material, indeed!

An ominous chicken walks down the steps into Paradise…followed by Tiara the Chicken Enthusiast!

Quick reminder: This is the chick (oh, the puns are endless this recap!) who has a pet chicken named Sheila who sleeps in her bed every night. She’s a pretty blonde who doesn’t wear pounds of makeup, and is a refreshing reminder of what most of us would look like on reality television. She’s still super attractive, even with out fake eyelashes and freckles! Take note, world.

Her date card says, “You’re the last to arrive. Don’t cluck it up.” The resident BIP writer gets 8 points today. Better than usual.

Tiara heads down to contemplate on a beach bed about what to do with her date card. Everyone here is already coupled up! Nick walks down to talk to her, which makes everybody think he might ditch Jen and go on a date with Tiara. Is he a closet blonde-guy?

Not so fast, folks. They’re not going to let their new Bachelor do something villainy. Instead, he convinces Tiara to give him her date card so that he can take Jen on a date! Awwwwwwww.

Tiara seems very comfortable with one night of free drinks in Mexico. Who needs love when you’ve got Sheila? And Sheila’s long lost Mexican cousin, deep fried on a plate. I guess Tiara is a Chicken Enthusiast in more ways than one.

tiara pet chicken

tiara eating chicken

Someone make this girl the Bachelorette, because she’s the master of compartmentalizing!

Nick and Jen head off on their stolen date, looking hotter than ever (in a sexual way). Jen wears a white crop top with Aladdin pants, while Nick chooses a simple sea foam green v-neck that brings out his lisp tan. I’m full on shipping this couple, but spoiler alert, it’s not going to work out. Unless Nick is looking for a sister wife on the next season of The Bachelor, which would certainly be a twist!

“We’re at a carnival! It’s super romantic.” — Jen. — Words spoken never before in existence.

Nick plays lots of carnival games in an attempt to win Jen a stuffed animal, but doesn’t look like he ever succeeds. Embarrassing!

They find a random fortune teller in a quiet corner of the carnival, which feels incredibly staged, but I’m sure it was a totally organic discovery!

Jen can feel that Nick is falling in love with her, but he’s just not telling her. *Words spoken by every girl about to get her heart broken by a guy who’s not as into her as she’s into him.*

Jen and Nick shuffle a few tarot cards before hearing the verdict, which is that Jen needs to be careful to not let her expectations play a game on her, and Nick is hesitant. I want my money back!!

They sit down next to the merry-go-round, where Nick says, “The last time I expressed any real feelings for someone was in an environment like this, so I’m nervous. But you’re the only reason I’m still here. The more time I spend with you, the more I see how amazing you are.” This is Nick’s way of saying, “I don’t like you enough yet to say I’m falling for you on national television, but you’re nice and pretty.”

Jen hears, “I’m falling in love with you.”

This is a fascinating social experiment. It’s absolutely amazing to see how people hear what they want to hear.

They kiss, and both look like really stand out kissers. At least that’s a positive!

Back at the house, Amanda is fighting Pizza for Josh’s attention. Pizza wins, as always, but Josh offers to baby bird her a slice from his mouth. She accepts. DEAR GOD YOU TWO.

Brett doesn’t like Izzy and kind of likes Lauren H. (Brett is the lamp guy that Izzy dumped Vinny for, remember? Yeah, no one cares.) I’ll make this short. Brett tells Izzy he’s more into Lauren H, so don’t expect a rose tonight, k? Izzy decides she should go home right now, but works really really really really really really hard to spin it like she’s “choosing” to leave because she regrets dumping Vinny and wants to go find him. In reality, she’s leaving because Brett dumped her, so she would be kicked off at the Rose Ceremony anyway. Better to leave on your own and avoid looking like the girl picked last in gym class! Sorry Frizzy Izzy, no one is falling for your whole, “I’m leaving to reconcile with Vinny because I made a mistake” spin. No, girlfriend, you’re leaving because you got dumped. There was no real choice involved.

Izzy calls Vinny in the exit SUV, and he’s like “Yeah, sorry, but you dumped me for a guy with a lamp based solely on his appearance, which is really shallow. I don’t date shallow girls. Bye.”

izzy vinny

Vin-ny! Vin-ny! Vin-ny!

Sorry, Izzy. Lesson learned, though, right? I expect to see you again in Paradise next year. You’ll be fine. Chin up, chickadee! The good news is that you didn’t end up with a guy who constantly looks like a deer in headlights and carries around lamps with him! You’ll be happy about this someday, I promise.

At the Rose Ceremony, everyone is coupled up except for Wells. He has to choose between Shoe the Russian, Ashley the Fatal Attraction Virgin, and Baby Jami the Canadian.

Shoe KILLS IT in a sleek low bun and a gorgeous emerald green dress. I think she was dressing for Ashley I, not Wells. “You want to call me a Russian hooker? Try again. I’m a classy girl, don’t let the tongue ring fool you.” But seriously, she looks stunning.

Jamie looks sleek, too. Ashley looks…desperate. And like she’s wearing way too much cheek contouring clay-stuff that honestly looks a lot like the makeup I wore to look dirty when I played an orphan in the musical Annie circa 1999. Is it soot, or is it contour? A question for the ages!

Amanda’s spray tan has officially worn off and I feel bad for her.

Jamie and Wells use the word “lovely” to describe each other in two separate instances, which pretty much kills all sexual chemistry. “Lovely” is a word to describe tea, or a surprisingly pleasant mother-in-law.

Ashley spends her time with Wells telling him that he’s RIGHT! She is SO different in real life than what he’s probably heard about her! I can’t wait for him to watch this season back and be like OH MY GOD SHE’S NUTS. But for now, he kisses her to shut her up.

Shoe waits her turn to talk to Wells upstairs for about 30 minutes before she loses her mind and stomps back to her room to pack her bags. Shoe doesn’t chase men. Men chase Shoe. She’s done with Paradise. I don’t blame her. If a guy is honestly having a hard time deciding between you and the Fatal Attraction Virgin, you calmly bow out. That’s not a guy you want to be with anyway. (Sorry, Wells, you’re nice and funny, but come on, bro.)

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Wells halfheartedly tries to convince Shoe to wait around to let him dump her officially at the Rose Ceremony, but she walks her amazing little body right on outta there. She lets down her sleek bun, just o-v-e-r it.

ROSE CEREMONY:

Josh gives his rose to Amanda, and tells her he loves her so much.

Nick gives his rose to Jen.

Grant gives his rose to Lace.

Evan gives his rose to Carly.

Brett doesn’t give his rose to anyone, even Lauren H, and sends himself home. “Sorry, I don’t feel a connection strong enough to stay here and keep getting to know anyone.” Fair.

Wells gives his rose to Ashley.

Ashley is SO EXCITED to finally get a “romantic rose,” not a pity friendship rose, that she literally EATS A PETAL. Like, she plucks a rose petal from the rose, and puts it in her mouth. Shoe, you did the right thing. Don’t try and compete with crazy.

The next morning, dad Chris Harrison shows up to tell the remaining five couples to spend the morning having a serious conversation about whether or not they can take their relationship outside of Paradise. If you can see marriage and babies, stay! If you can’t, leave! Good luck, kids.

Wells imagines babies with Ashley and immediately panics. Meanwhile, Ashley tells all the girls that she wants to lose her virginity to Wells in the Fantasy Suite! Wells’ reaction to the Nick telling him he’d be a “national treasure” if he took Ashley’s v-card was pure fear. He runs to find her to tell her he’s OUT. No way will he be responsible for that level of clinginess. If Ashley ever loses her v-card, we’re look at at a Stage 7 Clinger. I bet you didn’t know Stage 7 existed did you? Well, it doesn’t. Yet. But it will on the day Ashley has sex for the first time.

Ashley doesn’t handle the news well. When Wells says, “Obviously there’s no way we’d get engaged tomorrow. That’s insane,” Ashley looks like someone just told her she looks terrible in pigtails. Like, way way way more surprised than she should be. Based on that reaction, Wells decides to just end things for good. He’d contemplated going on one more date with her, but now he sees that he’s dealing with a nuclear explosion waiting to happen. Runnnnnnn!

Ashley goes upstairs to cry to all of the girls. Not a single one of them looks surprised or even sympathetic.

And with that, Ashley drags her suitcase along the beach for her dramatic exit. By the way, they made Izzy drag her suitcase along the beach, too, which is hilarious. Have you ever seen someone try to drag a suitcase through sand? Probably not. It’s really top notch entertainment. Especially when it’s high tide and a wave almost hits them.

bip suitcase

This gif is from last season, but they’ve kept the same format, which I fully support.

Carly keeps freaking out that Evan will dump her at this moment, just like Kirk did last year. But he doesn’t, because Evan is not Kirk. He knows that getting a girl to like him takes a lot of persistence and enough money to fake an ambulance-worth injury, which is simply not in his real-world budget.

Chris Harrison returns to the Rose Ceremony room, with one less couple in front of him than there was earlier this morning. “And then there were eight,” he says proudly.

Time for everyone to say goodbye to each other, because they’re all heading on overnight dates tonight, then will have private Rose Ceremonies tomorrow. No more group fun.

Lace and Grant head off on their day date, which is to walk around the streets of Mexico. I thought they were a little nuts when they bought bracelets that said “Grace” on them (kudos to the producer who made those happen), but I was unprepared for their level of insanity. Next, they decide to get TATTOOS. REAL LIFE TATTOOS. Not temporary ones, or the kind you apply with a damp washcloth. No, the kind that injects permanent ink into your skin.

I keep thinking this can’t be real, but oh, my friends, it is so real. Grant and Lace get matching “Grace” tattoos on their wrists (not even subtle!) from a tattoo artist named Chaps, who married his wife 12 days after meeting her. (Same!) How do I even describe Chaps. Chaps has a red beard that is two feet long. Chaps wears a black short sleeve button down, which he buttons at the top, but leaves open from his sternum down, revealing a giant, petruding belly. Chaps is basically Santa’s rebellious younger brother who ditched the North Pole for a slice of fun in the sun.

grace tats

I wish more than anything that I had DVR so I could rewind and get a picture of his belly shirt for you. But this visual will have to do.

Grace wraps up their tat session with a high five. Can you even imagine how crazy their kids would be? I don’t even want to think about the combination of those genes.

Jen and Nick’s day date is paddle boarding– again, for visual appeal. They talk about a whole lot of nothing, but I like them both as people and as bodies.

jen and nick paddle

I wish the pics were clearer, but that’s all I’ve got for you, courtesy of Instagram.

Up next: Kevin.

Carly has a right to be kind of annoyed that she always gets the weird dates, but I’m glad she embraces it. This time, she and Evan have to lather themselves in paint and roll around on a canvas to make “art.” Traditionally, this is done while two people are actually having sex, but since we’re on ABC, Kevin will wear white under garments and simply slide around. Let me give you a visual.

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kevin 1

Someone explain to me how that didn’t deserve a black modesty box.

I also want you to know that an old, well-fed local Mexican woman was their “instructor,” and gave the entire lesson topless. You heard me. The old lady was topless. Luckily, she got a black modesty box.

A few miles over, Amanda and Josh play soccer with some street kids, just as Josh did on his Fantasy Suite day date with Andi. I believe this is to remind us that while he looks “sweet” playing with dirty children on T.V., he can easily turn into a monster. Producers are giving us every parallel to Andi’s season as possible in hopes that we continue worrying about Amanda’s fate of being engaged to a controlling guy with a bad temper. They succeed, because I’m fully worried.

All the women who are ready (in their minds) to get engaged wear royal blue dresses to their private dinner dates. Lace wears brown. (Lace is not the kind of girl who thinks a tattoo means she’s ready for commitment. That’s just a casual Tuesday night activity.)

All the couples say “I love you” except Nick and Jen. For a second, I thought Josh mistook Amanda’s face for Pizza, because he literally looked like he was trying to eat it. He tried to cover by softening things to look like a kiss, but it was really uncomfortable there for a minute.

One by one, the lights go out in each couple’s Fantasy Suite. Time to leave them all alone and see what happens in the morning…

Teasers for tonight’s FINALE!! Lace wakes up crying, saying “Why did we get tattoos if we’re just going to question getting engaged this morning??” Nick cries that afternoon on the proposal set on the beach. Are those guilt tears for dumping Jen, or sad tears of being dumped BY Jen?? Evan cries a little, but we all know it’s because he’s low on testosterone pills. Carly’s hand shakes as she accepts Evan’s proposal. How do I know that it’s their hands in the proposal teaser? Because only Evan would have blue glitter on his hands.

TONIGHTTT! It’s the end! See you tomorrow for the last Bachelor Recap until Nick’s season of The Bachelor! I plan on doing a podcast with my thoughts about Nick before the show airs, so stay tuned. I promise it’ll be just as good as my podcast called “A Psychological Evaluation of Chad from The Bachelorette.