I told myself I wasn’t going to drink for an entire week after Aaron left on deployment, but that lasted exactly three days. Last night, I cracked open a bottle of red while waiting for Bachelor in Paradise to hit the silver small screen. By the time Chris Harrison said “…in another SHOCKING episode..”, I was tipsy enough that I laughed in a literal way. It hit me just how hilarious it is that the use of the word “shocking” somehow never loses its magic in good ole Bachelor Nation. Okay, it’s not that funny, but when you’ve had enough to drink, it is.

I should also warn you that my notes last night were not exactly focused or clear, so who knows how this recap will go. When I re-read some of the quotes from Daniel, I thought for a second that I was way drunker than I remember, and that I made up everything he said. Upon some research, I realized that Daniel actually did refer to himself as Papa Bear this entire episode, and invited Jared to be a “big dog” with him so they could invite puppies into their lair. (??????????????????) This is the kind of guy who truly makes you feel like you’re drunk, because the things that come out of his mouth simply don’t converge with normalcy, on any level. But, lest us forget he’s an alien, just trying to make his way on Earth the best he can until he finds all the pieces to his spaceship. (Theory courtesy of the Twins.)

following the internet

To be expected, we’re eased back into Paradise with the gentle heaving, snot-filled sobs of Ashley I. She’s been talking to Jared about why he doesn’t love her for seven full days, and he has finally had enough. His breaking point comes when she answers “Why did you come here?” with “To get over you.”

“You thought…you thought coming to the place where I was…would help you get over me??”

Yeah, Jared, obviously she’s lying to you. She came here to try to win you back slash make your life a living hell if you so much as glance in the direction of another woman.

He ends their conversation by reminding her that they’ve had this same conversation 50 times before, and he’s made it very clear for a very long time that he is in no way attracted to her. LISTEN TO HIS WORDS, ASHLEY. He then leaves her sobbing on the beach bed so that he can go find Caila in her amazing yellow bib dress. Ashley wailes behind him, “Are you sure you never want to be with me??”

Ladies, I hope you use Ashley as an example of how pathetic and horrible it is to beg for a guy’s affection. If he’s not into you, you’ll only make things worse by trying to change his mind. WHY. WHY DO WOMEN DO THIS.

Naturally, Ashley makes her way to the bar to vent to Jorge. And I quote: “I’d rather be in a body cast right now than see Jared with Caila.” Without uttering a single word, Jorge magically convinces her to stick around for the Rose Ceremony. I think he was terrified the entire time, because Ashley goes from crying to laughing in one breath, and it’s honestly really disturbing.

cry laugh

Meanwhile, Jared convinces Caila that Ashley won’t commit murder while cameras are around, so Caila should continue pursuing a relationship with him. She doesn’t look entirely convinced, but for the sake of receiving his rose, makes out with him to the background music of Ashley’s distant cries.

If watching Caila and Jared make out while listening to Ashley cry in the background wasn’t uncomfortable enough, editors choose this moment to remind us that Carly + Evan = Cevan = Kevin is still alive and well. Carly tells the camera that she never should’ve pushed Erectile Evan away, so she sits him down on a beach bed and tells him she changed her mind and likes him again. He doesn’t suspect any malintent (not a real word, but should be), despite the fact that it’s a Rose Ceremony night and Carly needs his rose. Viewers have the unfortunate task of watching Kevin makeout while listening to Evan tell the camera that “who knew all it took for Carly to like me was faking an injury!”

Josh. Chad. If you’re out there. KILL HIM.

Just when I thought I’d have to look away for fear of vomiting red wine all over my white blanket, editors gave us some comedic relief. Daniel the Alien is sitting on a beach bed, which he calls his throne. Since he’s the only “wild card” rose tonight, i.e. the only guy no girl has formed a relationship with (duh, human attraction is instinctively based on reproduction, and you can’t reproduce with an alien!!), the girls who aren’t “coupled up” now have to vie for his rose in order to stay. The victims to this cruel game? Serious Sarah, Ashley I, and the Twins.

Daniel: “I’m going to sit on my throne and let them bring me gifts. Cheeses, fine wine, uh, artifacts, special gold…”

Serious Sarah bakes him a cake because it’s his half birthday! And by “bakes him a cake,” I mean producers went and picked one up from a local bakery. They make as many sexual jokes as they can, with Daniel telling Serious Sarah to “put it in my mouth”, and Sarah suggesting that he lick frosting off of her, in her usual monotone voice.

The Twins freak out because “how do you compete with cake??”

Ironic, considering a contestant asked the same question about competing with Twins on Ben’s season.

twins mini horse gif

I really did try to find one with the profanity blurred out. Sorry ’bout that. But the benefits of sharing outweigh the drawbacks. LOL, Maegan, you deserved to last longer than just the first night.

Twin #1 (Emily) convinces Twin #2 (Haley) to kiss Daniel. Perhaps a kiss will please Daniel more than cake! For most men, that’s probably a safe bet. For Daniel, who’s to know. Haley is horrified at the thought, but agrees to take one for the team after Emily yells at her and says “it won’t kill you!!” I mean, it could. Messing with the extraterrestrial is always a gamble.

Haley awkwardly sits Daniel down, exchanges incoherent words which include something about how much Daniel likes her butt, then gives him a quick peck on the lips before running back to the blondes and Nick to brag about her smooth moves. I don’t think her posse will be very impressed with her “moves” when they watch it back, but for now, they are pleased.

Ashley is fresh out of tears when Daniel finds her at the bar. He decides that the idea of taking her virginity is worth his consideration (and possibly his rose). Ashley makes no attempt to get Daniel’s rose, and instead tells Daniel that she simply can’t find anything wrong with Jared and she’ll never love againnnnnnn. Daniel tells Ashley that Jared is ugly and that she should just “slut it up a little bit” in order to move on. With that, he wanders off to stare at some boobs upstairs.

daniel eagle

Rose Ceremony:

Grant gives his rose to Lace.

Josh gives his rose to Amanda. (Forgot they were here!!)

Nick gives his rose to Jen.

Vinny gives his rose to Izzy.

Evan gives his rose to Carly. (Kevin)

Jared gives his rose to Caila. (Ashley barely holds it together)

Daniel gives his rose to Twin #2, Haley, which means Twin #1, Emily, gets to stay, too.

Serious Sarah and Ashley I have to go home, but I’m not falling for this. Not for a second. First of all, there’s no way producers would only let Ashley I stay for one week. That’s throwing perfectly good television down the drain. Second, they show Ashley I becoming obsessed with Wells in previews, so obviously she’s not going anywhere.

Sarah cries in her rejection van about deserving love. You probably do deserve love, but you also need to reevaluate your choices. If you’d kept Christian the Hot Nerd, I’d feel bad for you right now. You kept Daniel instead, so I can’t give you any sort of sympathy. You did this to yourself.

The remaining cast members cheers to another week in Paradise, led by Amanda. I haven’t heard her chipmunk voice in 2-3 episodes, so hearing her speak threw me for a loop. How quickly I forgot what it sounds like for a Disney princess to make a champagne toast. All the woodland creatures nearly overtake the Rose Ceremony bungalow, thinking it’s time to get to work!

Ashley cries in her rejection van for about 30 yards before insisting that the driver stop and let her out. She runs back to Paradise, much to the dismay of Nick, who sighs and says “Ughhhhh.” HAHAH, I really like you this season, Nick. He is the only one willing to tell Ashley what a mess she is. He follows up his sigh with, “Come on, Ash…” before she dives into her speech, courtesy of a show writer. Again, why am I not a writer for BIP. WHY. I swear it’s my calling.

Ashley tells the concerned, skeptical crowd that she used the last 20 minutes to get over Jared, so she wants a fresh start in Paradise, but it’s up to them to vote on if should stay. In what can only be described as a verbal slow clap, one by one, each person says “yes,” until we hear a cacophony of “yes’s.” Even Jared said, “yes,” at which point I’m pretty sure Caila realizes that coming to Paradise with these nutcases was a big mistake.

The next morning, Nick sits on the edge of Ashley’s bed and says, “Be your best self today, Ash. I know you can do it.”

OMG NICK I LOVE YOU I AM SO SORRY FOR ALL THE THINGS I SAID ABOUT YOU.

I guess Leah left her high waisted swimsuit behind, because Ashley decides to put it on for the remainder of the day. Ash is all smiles as she claims that today is a fresh start. She feels like she’s finally moving past the initial shock of seeing Jared with Caila. Today’s a new day! She can’t wait to meet new prospects who will show up! Who’s Jared, anyway?

The new prospects are two nobodies, named Carl and Brett. No one can remember Carl’s name after he introduces himself– even Carly, who later realizes that she should’ve remembered it because it’s the same as her name…

carl gif

But that’s not as bad as Twin #1 Emily not remembering his name, even after they spent an entire afternoon humping each other on a booze cruise date. Luckily for him, her inability to produce his name after their date gave him a hall pass when he sat down with Haley later that night and thanked her for such a great date. WRONG ONE, buddy.

Sorry, I’ll back up. Carl has lots of tattoos and Emily likes tattoos, so he asks her on his date. Two seconds later, Brett walks in carrying a lamp, hoping that will help people remember him from Andi’s season. He brought a lamp on the first night then, too, remember??! Nope.

Quickly dubbed “lamp guy” (and accurately described by my friend as an exact mixture of Jordan and Robby from JoJo’s season), Brett rocks the boat by asking Caila on his date, which will be a double date with Carl and Emily. Guess they’re really pinching pennies this season!

Caila says yes to the date with Brett.

Jared tells her he doesn’t want her to go, so Caila tells Jared she won’t go.

Then she tells Jared she’s not sure about her feelings for him, so maybe she should go.

Then she decides while walking back up the stairs that she won’t go.

Caila takes Brett aside to tell him she’s not going after all.

After two minutes of Brett flirting with her, she says she’ll go.

Then she tells him, no, she can’t go.

Then she says, wait, you’re right, I’m here to meet people. I’ll go.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, no, I’m going to stay.

She and Brett walk back up the stairs where the group is impatiently waiting to hear the verdict. Caila reveals that she’s going on the date with Brett!

WAIT WHAT.

I’m now reminded at how much Caila loves to talk in circles and contradict herself. I completely forgot until now, when I’m immediately brought back to that time she confused Ben so much on their one-on-one date that his head actually started spinning, and he said this:

ben weird gif

Ashley I is SO EXCITED that Caila will be gone all day on the date. She can swoop in on Jared!

Oh, Ash, you only let me have high hopes for you being a “changed woman” for 10 minutes. I needed a longer recovery period than that.

As I revealed earlier, Emily + Carl and Caila + Brett go on a booze cruise. Emily is in her element, enjoying lap dances from Carl and being generally rowdy. Caila is mortified that her parents will see her at such an event, and gives Brett the cold shoulder the entire time. Brett would’ve been just as turnt up as Carl, but he chose a classy gal for the booze cruise. Rookie mistake.

Caila tells Brett she’s sorry, but regrets not staying back at the “house” to hang out with Jared. “I guess I should’ve decided this before coming on the date…”

Brett is visibly annoyed.

Upon the foursome’s return to homebase, Ashley is all smiles. She spent the afternoon hanging out with Jared on a beach bed, twisting all of his words to think she still has a shot. She “feels bad for Jared that Caila is going to come back and break up with him.” Convinced that Caila is dumping Jared for Brett, Ashley eavesdrops on their conversation, which Caila initiated as soon as she got back.

Ashley loses her freaking mind when she realizes that Caila still likes Jared, and now they’re making out.

She’s sent into a tailspin, but even producers realize that they can only give her 20 seconds of airtime crying before they need to move onto a different storyline. ASHLEY. When even reality T.V. editors are tired of your obsession with Jared, it’s time to make a real change in your life.

Whoa, yet another new guy arrives in Paradise! It’s now nighttime, and nobody #3 strolls in while only half the cast is still awake. His name is Ryan, from Kaitlyn’s season. He has some silver strands of hair, so Daniel immediately pulls “silver fox” out of his human database of idioms and commonly used nicknames. “This Papa Bear will eat the Silver Fox if he tries to take my Pigeon.” His pigeon is Haley, btw.

This is the best I could find, but I hope you find it helpful:

papa bear

Jared and Ryan are from the same Bachelorette season, so Ryan asks Jared for advice. Jared tries to convince Brett he should ask Ashley I on his date, but Brett quickly realizes that Jared was just trying to get Ashley off his back, and refuses to help a bro out.

Instead, Ryan asks Twin #2 Haley to join him for an afternoon of horseback riding and making out under a waterfall. The next morning, Haley chooses a lingerie top, black jean shorts, and converses for their adventure. On second assessment, the lingerie top is actually a one piece bathing suit made out of lace. Not very practical, but okay. I mean, it’s more practical than wearing booty shorts to ride a horse. That poor girl’s inner thighs are going to be screaming louder than Ashley’s when she loses her virginity. (Too much?)

I’m going to zoom through the rest of the day, because it’s a sad attempt by producers to make us care about the most boring couples of the house, Vizzy and Grace.

Grant tells Lace he loves her. She cries happy tears, but doesn’t say it back. A match made in crazy heaven.

Later in the evening, Izzy pulls Brett, Caila’s reject, aside to tell him that she likes him. Brett is confused, because Izzy is supposed to be “very serious” with Vinny. Izzy’s like, “oh yeah,” so she then takes Vinny aside to say she wants to explore things with Brett, solely based on the fact that he’s more her type, physically.

brett

This guy, Izzy? Really?

Oh, Vinny. My sweet sweet Vinny. Pale red heads deserve love, too! Hang in there, buddy!

The girls of the house agree that Izzy is super shallow for dumping Vinny strictly based on the looks of another guy. The next morning, Vinny goes to Izzy’s room to talk, since she refused to come downstairs for breakfast. I’m pretty sure he’s going to tell her that he’s going home.

Izzy apparently looks like a freak without makeup and hair, because she refuses to speak to Vinny until she puts on her face. The episode ends with Vinny waiting outside her room as she takes her time blow drying her hair. What a biotch.

Teasers for next week: Ashley tells the camera that even though Caila can make out with Jared’s face, she knows how to make out with Jared’s mind. Cue Ashley attempting to manipulate Jared by making him feel bad by watching her cry. I really wish Lauren was here to tell Ashley what an idiot she’s being. Caila confronts Ashley about her behavior. Izzy and Vinny don’t seem to get back together. Lace apparently dumps Grant, even though he said “I love you.” Janner shows up to show everyone that you really can find love in Paradise!

Josh is going to be so mad when he sees how little airtime he’s getting with Amanda.

Another episode…TONIGHT. This week’s double-recap brought to you by a gorgeous reader that I’ve now stalked on Facebook because her Venmo picture was so pretty! Miss Hilts, thanks for the Starbucks money! You’re a lifesaver and also have amazing teeth. 😀 I’m kind of obsessed that my sarcastic request to send me caffeine money on Venmo has actually taken off! I LOVE YOU GUYS.