Producers are really into food this season. Caila’s addition to the opening montage is to eat a juicy red apple on the beach…seductively? I couldn’t decide if this was a poisoned apple, courtesy of Ashley I, or if it was supposed to be sexual in some way. Either way, I feel bad for Caila.

And that is the perfect segway to Ashley I’s arrival in Paradise! Jared gets exactly 20 seconds of time to gush about how he can see a future with Caila before birds start chirping and a rain cloud mysteriously appears in the sky. All the animals are nervous. We see a nervous parakeet, a nervous monkey, and lots of nervous crabs. Jared would be nervous, too, if he knew what this all meant.

Ashley I is backkkk, y’all!!

 

Donning boot-sandals that her sister, Lauren, would make sure Ashely knew are horribly ugly to wear to the beach if only Lauren didn’t disintegrate under the pressures of reality television last season, Ashley wobbles down to the entrance of Paradise for a quick chat with Chris Harrison. Despite the shoe choice, you know she’s a Paradise vet as seen by the choice of lob. Veterans know that it’s always best to forgo the fantasy suite weave.

Ashley tells CH that Jared is one of her best friends, but she’s still in love with him. And that’s why she is here (important information to know for later on in the episode). CH is the KING of hosting, because he somehow never allows incredibly awkward questions to reach their max potential of awkwardness. I think it’s because he never can make it through the questions with a straight face, so it gives us viewers the permission to laugh through our uncomfortable feelings, as well. This time, he asks Ashley if she’s still a virgin. Yes. She is. But now, like all of America, CH wants to know how much of a virgin she is. Like, are her boobs a virgin? Is her mouth a virgin? Wait, wait, Carly’s time to shine again:

carly mouth

CH decides to go with a simple baseball analogy. That way, the kids walking through the living room while mom watches BIP don’t hear anything they shouldn’t. And also, this is network television, which is all about walking the line to make executives happy, but also stuffing as much sexual innuendo into every scene as possible.

Ashley says that she and Jared went to second base (this just in: her boobs are not virginal), but it hasn’t happened in like, five months because Jared shut it down.

Chris: “So, let’s talk about your crying.”

Ashley: “I have a goal this season to only cry three times–”

Chris: “–A day.”

Ashley: “No, total!!”

God, she hasn’t even stepped foot in the Paradise “house” yet and I’m already amped about her arrival.

With a slightly concerned sigh, and eyes gleaming with excitement at what he’ll get to narrate in teasers, Chris Harrison extends his arm to welcome Ashley down the path to greet her misery.

Her opening line to the group. “Hi! Don’t kill me!”

Ruh roh, Ashley probably should’ve told her BFF Jared that she was coming. He greets her with a closed mouth smile and the kind of hug where the guy concaves his chest so he doesn’t touch her boobs. Ashley can’t read nonverbal cues to save her life, so this was satisfying enough…for the moment.

After halfway greeting the rest of the crowd who mean nothing to her because they’re not named Jared, Ashley gets down to business. She pulls Jared aside to find out if he likes anyone. He tells her he is “talking to” Caila. In the real world, “talking to” someone means you’ve maybe made out with that person, and text a few times a week. In Paradise, it means the same thing, but with real talking instead of texting. It also means that person might be your future wife in 2 weeks, so Ashley did not take well to the news.

At the point that Ashley calls Caila “a backstabbing whore of a friend,” Jared throws himself onto the beach bed in an exasperated manner. He knows it’s going to be a hellofa ride in Paradise from here on out.

jared bed plant

Somehow, the twins become the resident therapists/information banks this episode. Ashley sits down with them to get an outsiders take on the Jared/Caila sitch. Emily and Haley make zero effort to sugarcoat anything, probably because they were annoyed that Ashley started the conversation with, “Wait, which one of you is Emily?”

Twin #1: “You know how Jared is indecisive?”

Twin #2: “Yeah well his eyes lit up when he saw Caila.”

Twin #1: “I’ve never seen him this happy.”

Twin #2: “He was seriously glowing when she walked in.”

Ashley starts sobbing. Unless she only plans on staying in Paradise for a single day, I do not think she’s going to achieve her goal of crying only three times total.

Ashley informs the camera that she and Caila hung out a few times back home, and Ashley specifically told Caila not to come to Paradise because she (Ashley) could see Jared liking her (Caila). Listen, if I knew another girl could make my husband like her instead of me, I can confidently say we never would’ve gotten married. But, then again, I’m a somewhat rational human, and Ashley is…less than rational.

Anyway, Caila told Ashley that if she did decide to come to Paradise, she wouldn’t go after Jared because he’s not her type, and because her friendship with Ashley is more important.

Guess it’s not that important.

While Ashley is sobbing on the beach while continuously applying makeup (it’s really quite something to watch), Carly does her best Ashley I imitation cry:

carly ashley

Remarkably accurate!

ashli i

Why would I ever stop using this frame?

Ashley tells a producer that she wants to go home, because she feels backstabbed and none of it is fair and she’ll always love Jared. At the end of her rant, through tears, she sobs, “And you know they’re going to make you into a raccoon right?” Wrong. They (editors) made it look like you were talking to a parakeet. Not a raccoon. Good self-awarenss, though, Ashley! This is an improvement! Thinking through how crazy you might look on television is the first step to reining it in.

Finally, Ashely pulls herself together enough to summon Caila for a chat. Caila looks like she’s a mother trying to comfort her daughter the entire time, which is a weird analogy under these circumstances, but I also wouldn’t put it past BIP to bring on a mother-daughter duo at somepoint. Remember that alien-lover baby child Mackenzie from Farmer Chris’ season and her daughter, Kale? They could be a viable option in 10 years.

Caila: “After talking to all the guys here, I felt like I had the most in common with Jared, which is why I took him on the date.”

Ashley: “Yeah I told you he’d like you. Why didn’t you tell me you were coming to Paradise?”

Caila: “I decided like two days before.”

Ashley: “I don’t believe you. What happened to ‘he’s not your type’?”

Caila: “I talked to him.”

catherine tweet

Ashley’s cries get uglier, snottier (literally), and louder by the second, so Jared finally has to come back over and convince her to stay in Paradise. She tells him she came here to get over him by dating other guys (not the same story she told Chris Harrison…which was that she came here for Jared), but doesn’t think she can. Jared tells her to try and have fun by taking Daniel on the date.

The two biggest crazies to ever hit television go on a date? YES PLEASE. Or as Nick put it:

“I’m not sure what you’re going to get when you put an alien and a virgin together.” The alien theory about Daniel would explain a LOT.

daniel butt

Ashley and Daniel’s date consists of eating dinner in some hall full of giant statues. To make a long story short, Daniel really likes Ashley because she’s a virgin. As I mentioned when he decided the twins were the only hot girls in Paradise, aliens/gay guys in the closet only like stereotypes. He thinks it’s supposed to be hot for a girl to be a virgin, so he is “attracted” to Ashley I.

“I want to deflower this American beauty. Does she want some Canadian bacon? We could drizzle some Canadian syrup on it? I’m going to get frisky. Maybe…she wants this Canadian bacon…and sausage…or maybe some Canadian poutine.”

THAT WAS A DIRECT QUOTE YOU GUYS.

He brings up her virginity every two seconds. Somehow, she ends up posing the question, “Who do you have your eye on in the house for sex?”

Daniel: “Nick, because he’s 35 and probably pretty experienced.”

First time Daniel has ever made me laugh. Who cares if he was kidding or not.

At some point, 1,000 Mexican tribal dancers attack Ashley I and tell her they have to sacrifice a virgin. They carry her off in her chair. Instead of saving her, Daniel looks confused, then shrugs his shoulders and begins eating his dinner.

Daniel is definitely definitely definitely an alien.

We never find out what happened to Ashley during the virginal sacrifice, because after commercials, we cut straight to the next morning. Ashley has not sorted through her feelings. She’s now claiming that the only way this situation could be worse is if somebody dies. I think she’s actually regressing, if that’s possible.

A quick side story emerges as Jen, the hot, tall, only brunette from Ben H’s season arrives in Paradise. She didn’t have a single second of airtime during The Bachelor, but all I can hope is that she’s not a repeat of the last quiet, tall, hot brunette to enter Paradise: Samantha, from BIP Season 2. Who can forget the pure evil in her eyes.

evil eyes

Jen seems far less evil in the first 20 seconds of getting to know her. She takes Nick on her yacht date. They’re outrageously good-looking, and as they walk along the beach hand-in-hand, I feel like I’m watching a Sandals Resort commercial. All the abs. All the legs. All the hair. None of the clothes.

The camera guy cuts to Jen’s boobs at any chance. I’m now almost as familiar with Jen’s rack as I  am with JoJo’s, which says a lot, because it took me at least 4 episodes to really bond with JoJo’s.

Jen and Nick end their perfectly lovely and boring date with a make out on the shoreline. Unfortunately, a cast of crabs (I just looked that up! The group name for crabs is a “cast.” Teaching moment!) interrupts, so they scurry home to fornicate in the comfort of a beach bed.

nick and jen

The episode ends on a depressing note, which is the reemergence of Cevan with a hard “c,” sounds like “Kevin.” More commonly known as the extremely uncomfortable relationship that is Carly and Evan. I actually might start calling them Kevin now, though, when referring to them as a unit.

Evan takes medicine to help with the swelling of his ankles (as if this guy had any sex appeal to spare), and they’re making him dizzy. The medic comes in, and tells him he needs to go to the hospital because his ankles are inflamed. This medic was paid at least $50 by a producer to make that recommendation.

Evan is stoked at this opportunity to get attention from Carly. Naturally, she will join him on this journey to the hospital, ambulance ride included. Sometime during this ordeal, Carly says she saw the normal side of Evan, so now she’s no longer disgusted by him. In fact, she’s the opposite of disgusted. She likes him. In her words, she’s back on the Evan train. Let it be said that I do not support Kevin. Not even a little bit.

Finally, it’s Rose Ceremony Day. Nick tries to out-dad Chris Harrison by having a heart-to-heart with Ashley I. Without dancing around anything, he tells Ashley that she’ll never, ever be with Jared.

like ever gif

Ashley sobs (already wayyyyy past her 3-time goal) and tells Nick that he’s wrong. The only thing Nick is wrong about is thinking a skin tight floral purple button down was a good choice.

More Ashley crying to Jared about why he won’t be with her. More Jared getting frustrated and talking in circles instead of completely shutting the door by refusing to engage.

Caila isn’t sure if she should open up to Jared because she doesn’t want drama. Jared kisses her and tells her he respects her pace, but she shouldn’t be afraid to open up. I actually like them together. Sorry, Ashley.

Teaser for next week: Caila spies on Ashley crying in her bed, which feels super weird and kind of mean. Caila!! Don’t let producers talk you into being weird!! Ashley crying more to the camera, asking questions like “How can two people in love not be together??” Because you are one person in love, Ashley, not two. And later, Caila apparently likes a new guy and maybe dumps Jared. Poor guy can’t catch a break. Plus, Izzy and Vinny might break up!

I feel like this season is getting better and better, which is a huge accomplishment considering Chad pooped his pants in the first episode. See ya on the flip side, kiddos!

[snapchat, insta, twitter: @shannythegranny]