It only makes sense that the most normal guy on the show gets sent home this week. But you’ll have to read this whole recap or actually watch the episode in order to find out who I’m talking about. Obviously it’s not Evan. Because he is the antonym of normal.

All I can say is thank God Leah is gone, because I would not be able to handle more than one episode starring both Evan and Leah at the same time.

leah swan

Speaking of Evan, low key action music plays as he saunters stumbles towards Amanda and Josh, who are sucking face on a beach bed. These two seem to be super in love after 24 hours, however, they can’t be all that serious because Amanda hasn’t told Josh about the giant zit on his chin. Only people truly in love tell each other to take care of their pimples before they’re displayed on national television.

Before we get to Evan’s self-made date card, I need to address Josh’s incessant moaning. Once he does the pizza scene later on in this episode (stay tuned), I realize that these short, low moans that sound like a burst of momentary constipation are not actually coming from Josh. Producers insert the moans whenever he does anything, just like they inserted the raccoon whenever Clare was talking to producers in BIP season 1, to make it look like she was talking to a furry scavenger.

raccoon wine

It’s unclear if producers trained a wild raccoon that season, but based on the above picture, I have the utmost respect for their dedication and animal-wrangling skills.

Anyway, Evan wrote a date card for himself because, as we already know, he is a prepubescent little girl. The “date card” said something about how he is “supposed to” take Amanda upstairs for some special time. When he reads it aloud to Amanda and Josh, Amanda looks confused, and Josh just laughs. I think Amanda thought the date card was real.

Evan takes her upstairs for lobster dinner and wine. He tells Amanda that he came to Paradise for her, but momentarily got distracted by camera time Carly. She does her best to let him down easy, saying things like “you really surprised me at the beginning of all this” (read: from watching JoJo’s season, I thought you were totally weird, and now I just realizes you’re actually just pathetic and desperate, which makes me sad for you) and “I wish you’d said something sooner, because now I have feelings for Josh” (read: I never would have liked you, but this is something I can say to make you feel better).

Evan’s takeaway from the conversation, which he runs off to tell Jared: Amanda came here for ME and she would have fallen in love with me if I’d only said something sooner! She told me that she had feelings for me! I think there’s a chance she’ll turn to me when Josh inevitably breaks her heart!

Evan. You are so freaking delusional, it’s scary. I’m literally scared for your children.

Don’t worry, Jared didn’t look like he believed anything Evan told him about this “date” with Amanda. Jared is quiet, but he grows on me each time he hits the screen.

Meanwhile, back on the beach bed, Josh is doing this:

josh pizza

He “moans” while eating his cheese slices in the same way he does when he’s kissing Amanda. It’s a good gag, producers. Definitely funny, but not fooling anyone. I mean, if anyone would moan like that in real life, it would be Josh. So well done finding a shtick that was kind of believable, just like if anyone would talk to a raccoon, it’d be Clare.

This time it’s Amanda’s turn to interrupt Josh having a moment on the beach bed. She’s been replaced by pizza, and she knows it. After informing him that Evan tried to woo her, she spends the rest of the night wiping grease off of her face each time Josh kisses her.

By the way, Josh’s reaction to Evan’s really embarrassing attempt to steal Amanda was nothing more than a signature Andi I-feel-bad-for-someone frown. I guess this is why they say someone will always be part of you, even once you break up.

andi josh frown

It’s Rose Ceremony Day! They keep saying “this week, the girls give out the roses,” but keep in mind that they’ve only been in Paradise for 5 days total, and they’ve already had one Rose Ceremony. So a “week” is more like “2 days.”

Daniel gets the treat of a lifetime when Vinny asks him to shave his back in preparation for the big night.

Here’s the run down of pre-Rose Ceremony shenanigans:

Sarah is trying to decide if she’ll give her rose to Christian (the upstanding, hot guy with whom she went on a really fun date) or Daniel (the gay guy who is missing almost all of his screws upstairs). The fact that she even has to think about this choice knocks her down a few notches in my book. I came into this really liking Serious Sarah, but it’s becoming more and more evident why she’s single. First of all, she has terrible judgment (re: Daniel), and second, she may be the worst kisser this show has ever seen. Daniel kisses her and she responds with lots of weird little pecks, just as she did with Christian. Then she has the audacity to judge that the kiss was just “average,” as though it’s the men’s fault(s). Ugh, Sarah, you need to step it up in life.

Carly refers to Evan as her ex-boyfriend (AGAIN), and claims she has no clue who she’ll give her rose to.

Twin #2 (Haley) tells Brandon that the trick to telling her apart from her sister is that “Emily has tons of moles on the side of her face, and I don’t have any.” Harsh, Haley.

Josh is sweating so hard that he looks like he entered a wet t-shirt contest. Daniel can’t keep his eyes off of him, of course. Amanda decides to bathe in it.

Nick and Evan each take Amanda aside (I’m honestly surprised they could even tell her apart from the twins since her collar bones weren’t exposed by an off-the-shoulder shirt/dress) to warn her that Josh is actually a verbally abusive bad guy, according to Andi’s Tell All book. Be careful. Amanda pretends to take their concern into consideration, but doesn’t at all.

Josh pulls Evan aside to confront him about why he keeps trying to get in Amanda’s head. It’s during this conversation that I realize that I wish no good things upon Evan. He shuts down anything nice Josh says in an effort to create peace, but very obviously would never be such a haughty buttwipe in the real world where there are no security guards around. Now I can see why Chad wanted to punch him so bad. I really wish he would have.

chad meme

Don’t get me wrong, I think Josh is a total hot head with a patronizing tone of his own, but if I had to choose one of them to get what’s coming to them, I’d choose Evan. If anything, this conversation showed to me that I might have bigger anger issues than Josh, because I’m not entirely sure how Josh kept his cool when Evan was throwing around so much self-righteous bullcrap. Maybe it’s just me, but self-righteous, condescending people who pretend to be doing the “right thing” (i.e. protecting Amanda) when they’re actually more prideful and more attention-hungry than the “bad guy” are the absolute WORST.

Evan then tells the camera that he wants to “protect” Amanda and the other girls from guys like Josh because they’re “like little sisters.” As if you couldn’t get any more disgusting, Evan. You were in no way protecting Amanda. Nor do non-sickos refer to women they have sexual feelings for as their “sister.” GO HOME GO HOME I HATE YOU SO MUCH UGHHHHHHH.

At least Nick warned Amanda in a normal way, not in a creepy way. Why do I like Nick so much this season? I mean, I guess the pickins are slim. And by golly his arm muscles look good.

Rose Ceremony time:

Lace gives her rose to Grant. (“Grace”)

Izzy gives her rose to Vinny. (“Vizzy”)

Twin #1 (Emily) gives her rose to Jared.

Amanda gives her rose to Josh.

Sarah gives her rose to Christian Daniel.*

*This officially makes Sarah unworthy of love

Carly gives her rose to Evan.*

*Either Carly is not the sane, funny girl I thought she was, or producers promised her a contract to host “After Paradise” next season in exchange for keeping Evan around.

Twin #2 (Haley) gives her rose to Brandon Nick.

We say goodbye to forgettable Brandon (whatevs, don’t care) and Christian the Hot Nerd. The ONLY normal guy on the show. I will hold a grudge against Sarah for this for a good, long while.

Carly tells the camera that she’s “pretty sure” Evan knows that her rose was platonic. Evan tells the camera that he can’t wait to introduce Carly to his kids. Dear Lord, help me not ruin my perfectly good television by throwing my empty wine bottle at the screen next time Evan appears.

evan

Is that not the most slappable face you’ve ever seen?

The next morning, Twin #1 (Emily) tells the camera that she’s kind of obsessed with Jared. Which is the perfect time for Caila to swoop in.

Caila was on Ben H’s season of The Bachelor, coming in 3rd behind JoJo and his now-fiancé, Lauren B. She was rumored to be the Bachelorette and had even shot promo footage, when all of a sudden, Mike Fleiss changed his mind and made JoJo the Bachelorette. Poor Caila.

Not really poor Caila, though, because as everyone in Paradise points out, Caila is perfect.

caila gif

And she really is. Emily gets angrier and angrier by the second as she watches Caila introduce herself to everyone, eventually telling the camera that she can’t trust someone so nice and pretty with such a good body and perfect hair.

Emily: “Her perfection just comes across condescending….wait, what does condescending mean?”

Em, it’s that tone of voice everyone always uses when they talk to you and your twin sister.

Things only gets worse better when Caila asks Jared on her date. Jared is a gentlemen, and consults with Emily before going, because Emily just gave him her rose the night before. Emily tells Jared he can go on the date with Caila, because despite her brain cell deficiency, she’s smart enough to know that telling a guy what he can and can’t do is not a recipe for love.

Jared and Caila go horseback riding on the beach. Caila wears one of Amanda’s shirts– you know, the kind that isn’t a shirt, but is just a peice of fabric draped across her torso. My husband has been watching Stranger Things on his computer this whole time, but his straight-male-sensors go off as soon as Caila comes on screen, so he took the time to note that her shirt was about to fall off. Oh, sweetie. Your boob radar is almost as good as my Starbucks radar. Hey, at least my husband likes boobies, unlike Daniel. Gotta look at the positive!

caila jared

Back at the house, Daniel has a full-blown crush on Vinny after shaving his back. As Vinny sleeps, Daniel uses a straw to drink the stagnant water sitting in Vinny’s belly button. Izzy and Lace watch in horror. Daniel seems to enjoy it.

The thing about this show is that there are so many people in the cast, but I only care about a few. That’s why I’m not going to even write about Izzy and Lace’s double date with their not-so-significant others, Grant and Vinny. All you need to know is that all four of them got drunk, and Lace almost punched a random girl at Señor Frogs.

Emily is slowly losing her mind while Jared and Caila are off somewhere making out in the water after abandoning their horses on the beach. She tells the camera that she’s way prettier than Caila, and just as sweet, so WHAT IS THE ISSUE HERE.

“I’m probably a better kisser, too…well, actually, Caila has some big lips, so she might be better.” Is that racist?

Upon his and Caila’s return, Jared pulls Emily aside to let her down easy. After spending time with Caila, he wants to pursue that relationship instead of the one he was forming with whichever twin you are.

Emily proceeds to tell the camera that she doesn’t understand why guys always choose girls who are uglier than she is. She fights off the tears because:

emily dont want to go home

At least she’s honest.

Serious Sarah and Comedic (maybe not-so-sane) Carly are bored, so they invite their rose-receivers, Daniel and Evan, over for an “apartment” party. Are we in college? Actually yes, kind of, without the education.

The party is a bust because all of the personalities in the room are so horrible that they cancel each other out and nothing interesting happens. Except when Evan tried to do a push up with Carly on his back and she literally flattened him to the ground like a pancake. For the record, this had everything to do with Evan’s noodle arms and nothing to do with Carly’s weight.

Eventually, Daniel and Evan leave the “apartment.” Daniel wants to go wait with bated breath for Vinny to return from his double date, and Evan is just blacked out and confused. He tries to kiss Carly, and she tells him to stop being awkward and weird and just give her a hug.

Fifteen minutes later, a producer tries to wake Evan up in his bed. He won’t respond. My first thought is that I’m jealous this producer gets to work in jorts and a bikini top. We couldn’t see her face, but she looked pretty hot. Do the cast members ever get crushes on the producers? I know a girl got kicked off the show once for sleeping with the camera guy, but I’ve never heard of any producer hanky panky. Seems like it’d be a thing.

Anyway, Evan won’t wake up because he’s too drunk, so they call a medic. The producers then run to tell Carly that Evan might be dying. Carly goes to check on him. By this time, he is awake and looks pretty dazed. He obviously faked the whole thing for attention. The medic tells Carly someone should stay with him throughout the night to make sure he doesn’t die.

Carly rolls her eyes and says “no, absolutely not.”

Five minutes later, she and Evan are making out on his bed.

I have no clue what’s going on, but I don’t like it. Not one bit. So gross, Carly.

carly i dont know

The next morning, we see no sign of Carly or Evan, but we do see Jared and Caila playing cards on a beach bed. I want Caila’s pineapple bikini! Dang, she’s cute. No wonder Emily was sent into hysterics of jealousy. If you’re going to be jealous of someone, might as well be jealous of someone worthy of such envy. Caila is a good choice. She and Jared seem to have a legitimate connection, which is more than I can say of any other “couples” in Paradise. The only connection Amanda and Josh have is with their mouths.

Just as Jared is getting comfortable with his good fortune in Paradise, in walks none other than Ashley I. You couldn’t forget her if you tried.

ashli iA quick review for those of you new to the BIP game: Ashley I was on Farmer Chris’ season. Known for crying more than anyone else in the history of the show, she came to Paradise last season and fell in love with Jared. He didn’t like her all that much, but never really shut the door on her, either. Apparently, throughout this last year off camera, she and Jared have spent a lot of time together at appearances and Janner’s wedding.

Upon arrival in Paradise this year, she tells Chris Harrison that she is still in love with Jared! It’s just confusing, because sometimes they kiss when they see each other, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes they sleep in the same bed, and sometimes they don’t! But, no, “nothing has happened…down there.” Ashley I is still a virgin, folks!

Carly, on Ashley and Jared’s overnight date last year in Paradise:

carly more of a virgin

Apparently Ashley has not told Jared that she’ll be joining the BIP cast this season. Poor guy is in for a rude awakening.

Teasers for next week: Ashley reveals herself to Jared. Caila looks a little annoyed, but mostly entertained. Jared looks absolutely exhausted at the sight of Ashley. Next, Ashley tells the camera that “it can’t get much worse unless somebody dies.” I guess Jared told her about Caila! Chris Harrison’s commentary about Ashley: “A reign of terror ensues! Who. Will. Survive.” LOL, CH, always so dramatic. Nick tells Ashley to stop crying because she has to accept she’ll never be with Jared. This makes Ashely cry harder. Oh, and quiet Jen, the only brunette from Ben’s season, arrives!

I fear they may have just shown the entire next episode in a single teaser. Nonetheless, I’ll dutifully watch it tonight and post its recap tomorrow. Shout out to reader “Sarah” (you know who you are), who sent me Starbucks money on Venmo to support this week’s round of recaps. MY READERS ARE THE BESTTTT!!