Before we get started, let me first apologize for not writing a recap of last week’s episode the second I got home from Alaska. We took the red eye from Anchorage, and arrived home around noon on Sunday. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m the most high maintenance sleeper of all time, and if I don’t get my rest, I cannot speak, walk, or perform basic human functions.

I slept until 3 p.m., then got up and watched the episode of The Bachelorette that I missed (I even took notes!) with every intention of writing the recap yesterday morning. That way, you’d have all day to read it before last night’s episode. Unfortunately, I literally couldn’t move until 11 a.m. yesterday, and the thought of writing a 3-4 hour recap was more than my little brain could handle. Sleep and I have a very dysfunctional relationship, especially when you throw jet lag in the equation.

polar bear

I’ll definitely write about my trip to Alaska later this week, but now it’s time to FINALLY focus on The Bachelorette!

A few take aways from last week’s (not last night’s) episode:

  • Apparently I’m the only human in the world who didn’t know that the puka necklaces are microphones. Thanks to the 5 million of you who made sure I got clued in.
  • Chad was right. Evan is obsessed with him, as seen by his use of the words “void” and “mini Chads.”
  • Nemacolin is the only resort in the world that encourages the use of open flames and sparklers inside its log cabins.
  • I hate Alex. He has a major Napoleon complex.
  • All these guys turn into big babies once they realize that they’re not the front runner. See: Daniel the Lambo and Derek.
  • Daniel the Lambo’s exit speech will go down in Bachelor history as the best one ever to exist. And I quote, “The odds of JoJo falling in love with me were…well, I had a better chance of getting struck by lightning while, uh, shaving my face.” HAHAHAHAHAHA.daniel the lambo
  • I used Mean Girls as a way to describe some of the contestants last season, but it looks like I’m not the only one prone to using that reference. Jordan, Chase, Robby, and Alex are the new Mean Girls, according to Derek. Alex is definitely Gretchen.
  • Wells and Luke are by FAR the most mature guys in the house.
  • Luke’s boobs are definitely bigger than my boobs.
  • We lost: James F, Daniel the Lambo, Vinny, Evan the Erectile Dysfunction Expert (and Former Pastor!), and Grant the Firefighter. Absolutely no surprises there.

By the end of last week’s episode, I had these fellows picked as my Top 4: Luke, Jordan, Chase, Robby.

After watching last night‘s episode, I’m sticking to that prediction (which closely matches my prediction from Day 1). I call Luke as the winner, Jordan as runner up and next Bachelor, Chase sent home after Fantasy Suites, and Robby sent home after Hometowns.

But first, South America!

Everybody arrives in Buenos Aires, Argentina, which is the city in which JoJo decides to debut her new favorite fashion statement: Long overcoats draped over her shoulders, and never putting her arms in the sleeves. Kim Kardashian and Taylor Swift do it, so now should we!

That would never work in my world. I talk with my hands far too much, and I don’t have the money to replace $500 overcoats slipping onto the dirty ground. Reason #139 I’m not a celebrity.

tay swift arm

Chris Harrison joins JoJo for a little chat on an Argentine bench, just as a friendly reminder that he, too, puts his life on hold for this show, despite little to no airtime. We appreciate the commitment, Chris.

The remaining contestants stroll around the streets of Argentina, periodically yelling “JoJoooooo!” in unison, as you do. The excitement quickly fades when Papa Harrison informs them that there will be a second 2 on 1 Date this week. Ruh Roh.

The only people who don’t immediately look ill are Alex, because he knows JoJo won’t put him through a second 2 on 1 Date, and Luke, because he’s the most self-assured guy in the house. Self-assured and slightly cocky are two different things. All of the Mean Girls are slightly cocky, but they’re not self-assured. Fine, I’ll say it. I LOVE LUKE.

1 on 1 Date Card:

“Wells, Besame, besame muchacho! Love, JoJo”

Wells hasn’t kissed JoJo yet, and she wants him to!

Chase’s interpretation of the card: “Kiss me, brochacho.” Ah, frat boy humor. Gotta love it.

As Wells and his trembling hands awkwardly stroll out of the penthouse with JoJo, the guys all agree that he won’t be coming home unless his kissing abilities completely blow JoJo out of the water. It’s so weird that Wells is the only one of us who hasn’t kissed her!! Is it, guys? Or is it weirder that all of you have kissed her and are currently swallowing one another’s spit?

JoJo takes Wells to a performance art show, which reminds me of the time I went to Sleep No More in NYC. After watching wet, completely naked people dance around a four story building with no windows, and being lured into a private room where I was totally alone with a performer who fed me tea off of a spoon, I can confidently say that the performance art show JoJo and Wells attended seemed incredibly tame and normal to me.

Yes, that was a night in my life. Feel free to ask me for details another time.

JoJo and Wells didn’t get any free tea, but they did have to do a trust fall off of a treadmill and pretend to get shot. They also got to do an adult slip and slide, which involved skidding across a plastic platform/pool suspended 30 feet in the air.

fuerza bruta

JoJo thinks that drowning in air is the perfect time for a kiss. I guess everybody has their thing.

Wells complies and plants the kiss on her, to which JoJo responds”Good job, you did it!” as though she’s potty training a baby.

As they head to the night portion of their date, it’s raining, and I think Wells gave her his jacket. Good move, Wells! Oh, wait, nope, that’s just another long blazer that JoJo chose to wear without her arms in the sleeves.

Wells thinks it’s a good idea to tell JoJo that they have nothing in common, and that he had always pictured someone completely different from her when imagining his dream girl. But hey, maybe I was wrong!

In all fairness, my husband told me that his dream girl was someone super alternative and edgy, preferably with wing-tip eyeliner, jet black hair, and a thing for tats. God basically laughed in Aaron’s face by throwing me into the mix. Also, Aaron didn’t tell me this until after we were engaged, so by that point, I was cool with it. I even told him that I thought I’d end up marrying a black guy, so we’re pretty even.

#honestyisthebestpolicy

Wells proceeds to clam up when JoJo asks him about his previous relationship, and then confesses that they broke up because of the realization that they were just “two best friends living together.” Translation: We never had sex.

If we know anything about JoJo, it’s that the girl likes her sexy time.

With that information, JoJo goes pale, and sends Wells packing. She says something about how wonderful he is, and how she needed more of a spark. No rose, sorry.

The good news is that Wells now has plentyyyy of material to talk about on his radio show back in wherever he’s from.

Instead of going straight back to the hotel, JoJo is forced to attend what would have been the rest of her date with Wells– the big night spectacle of the performance art show they got to partake in earlier in the day. My favorite part was when the huge audience got sprayed with water as they were all jumping around and raging, while JoJo stood in the middle of them by herself laughing, but the editors tried to find an angle that made you think she was actually crying.

Group Date:

Luke the Skinny Jean Cowboy

Robby

Aaron Jordan Rodgers

James Taylor

Alex the [Tiny] Marine

I missed what the date card said, but since they tromped around town and played futbol with the locals, I’m sure it said something like, “What’s your end goal? Love, JoJo.

I used up all my ball jokes on last season’s date cards.

James Taylor feels out of place because he’s the only one who doesn’t look like a Ken Doll. Not true, JT! Alex looks more like a Polly Pocket.

OMG I’m the worst. I promise I don’t hate short people. I just really don’t like Alex and his angry personality. Anyone else a little freaked out by his lips? Just me?

alex gif

James Taylor has a chance to stand out, because he’s the only one to score a goal against the local Argentinian street boys, which means his reward is to kiss JoJo! But instead, James Taylor pecks her and runs away, similar to my first kiss behind the portables in fifth grade.

Actually, my first kiss was in kindergarten, but that’s neither here nor there.

Just like last season when all the girls (namely Leah (?)) started noticing that Ben liked Lauren B the best after their small group date with the swimming pigs, the guys all notice that JoJo likes Luke and Jordan the best after spending all day watching her fawn over their abdomens.

I’d be a bit intimidated by Luke’s boobs, personally, but I guess JoJo isn’t phased since she has Triple Ds of her own.

At the night portion of the Group Date, the Top 2 (Jordan and Luke, if I haven’t been clear enough) wear leather jackets that match JoJo’s leather jacket, which I take as a sign of compatibility.

Luke and JoJo’s one on one time involves a makeout session so steamy that I have to put down my computer for a second in order to chug some water. The spanish guitar music was an excellent choice by editors, as well. JoJo admits that she and Luke have the physical chemistry down pat, and that she has to actively take deep breaths when they’re making out so that she doesn’t pull a Kaitlyn and invite him back to her room.

Yowza.

James Taylor decides to use is one on one time to complain that Jordan is entitled and doesn’t know the correct rules to poker. I smell desperation.

JoJo asks Jordan if he’s entitled. He says he’s not, and she rewards him with some tongue.

Jordan confronts James Taylor about why he would talk smack during his time with JoJo, and James Taylor simply sweats and stares at the ground. He doesn’t lie about it like Leah did last season, at least, so that’s good. Apparently James Taylor and Jordan make up pretty quickly though, because by the time the rose ceremony rolls around later in the episode, we can see Jordan giving James Taylor his usual shoulder squeeze of support. Sometimes bros fight like bros, and it’s all gonna be okay.

james taylor jordan rodgers

Group Date Rose: Luke.

Side note: I do not think Jordan is entitled, exactly. I think he’s really confident, straddling the fence of cocky. He’s extremely alpha, as is displayed in the way he touches guys a lot when he talks to them, which is an age old sign of dominance. Everything he says is very “final,” so I can see why James Taylor gets annoyed, but I don’t think Jordan’s necessarily a bad guy. I just think that he’s comfortable controlling a room with his presence and choice of words, kind of like a natural born leader. It’s not something that he does purposefully, even, in my opinion. I just think it’s part of who he is, so it doesn’t bother me too much. And notice, it doesn’t bother self-assured guys like Luke, either.

I still don’t think Jordan is totally right for JoJo, though, because they’re both used to being the prettiest and smartest, and their overly confident natures will eventually repel each other. JoJo needs someone a little less limelight-centric, like Luke. Luke reminds me of Ryan Sutter, who the first Bachelorette, Trista, chose in the end over the guy on her season who was the “stand out” like Jordan. And now Trista and Ryan are happily married 15 years later with 2 (or 3?) kids. Two very dominant people in a relationship feels exciting at first, but usually implodes (see: Andi and Josh), so I hope JoJo takes a leaf out of Trista’s book and goes with someone whose personality complements hers, not competes with hers.

trista ryan

2 on 1 Date Card:

Derek and Chase, It takes two. Love, JoJo.

It is pretty obvious to me that JoJo likes Chase better, and only put together this 2 on 1 date because she needed a sly way to get rid of Derek. As the date progresses and editors show Derek telling the camera every two seconds that he’s 100% confident he’ll get the rose, I’m even more assured in my theory.

The three of them take an Argentine Tango dance class, and I get super excited, because my husband and I used to take Argentine Tango classes together! It’s true that you can feel serious chemistry with someone while you dance, even if you’re terrible dancers.

JoJo smiles whenever she’s dancing with Chase, even though Derek looks the most confident when he’s dancing with her. It doesn’t matter how the guys look, though. The truth is in JoJo’s touchy hands eyes.

two on one tango

They head off to the night portion of their date, and I can’t stop staring at the delicious steaks on their plates. There’s no way I’d be able to sit there and not be completely distracted by food in front of me. The people on this show have some serious self control.

JoJo and Derek have a nice chat during their one on one time, but she knows and I know that it won’t be good enough. During her time with Chase, she seems to have more questions for him, but she also seems to be way more eager to kiss him. The important part about predicting things on The Bachelor is to never listen to what they’re saying, and only listen to what they’re doing.

Chase gets the rose, and Derek goes home.

We are blessed with the first limo cry of the season, except it’s a minivan, not a limo.

Not only does Derek give us lots and lots of man tears to work with, but producers brilliantly chose the song “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” to be the live performance that Chase and JoJo dance to after Derek leaves. Editors keep cutting back and forth from Chase and JoJo dancing, to Derek crying harder and harder in the van. Derek begins talking in third person during the Spanish verse, which was bad enough. But then things really pick up when, instead of talking, Derek just sits there crying as the English verse blares:

Don’t Cry for Me Argentinaaaaaaa!!

Tears.

Dancing!

Crestfallen sighs.

Kissing!

Everytime I think it’s going to end, there’s another key change.

derek cry

Sorry Derek, but I cannot. Stop. Laughing. That was one of my favorite Bachelor moments in history.

I’m 1-0 with my “next Bachelore(ette)” prediction based on pictures. So long, Derek.

The next night at the Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party, Alex forgot to bring his neck.

alex bachelorette

James Taylor keeps repeating, “the hay is in the barn,” and I have no idea what he’s talking about. But I do know that JoJo was not into their kiss. Not even a little bit.

Rose ceremony:

Luke and Chase already have roses. The rest go to:

Robby

Jordan

WAIT. Before giving out the final rose to either James Taylor or Alex the [Tiny Angry] Marine, she runs out of the room and down the grand staircase like she’s Cinderella, except she’s not like Cinderella at all. The Fairy Godmother Chris Harrison greets her at the bottom of the steps of the palace, and she tells him she doesn’t want to hand out the final rose to anyone.

I sense a twist.

JoJo walks back into the room with the guys very impatiently waiting, and most of America prepares for her to send both James Taylor AND Alex home, but experts like myself know better.

BOOM! Chris Harrison swoops in from the left with a tray holding TWO roses! Everybody wins! Alex and James Taylor both get to stay!

Alex is angry (of course) because he thinks he got a pity rose. But he’s also not giving it back or anything, so slow your roll, little one.

The episode wraps up with some teasers that solidify my belief that Jordan is not the ultimate winner, because JoJo claims that she found love…but it was with someone who can’t love her the way she needs to be loved. I think that’s only half of the story. They fail to show the part where she goes, “The good news is that I’m in love with Luke, too, so all’s well that ends well!”

By the way, this is a M-A-R-G-H-E-R-I-T-A pizza.

Pizza Margherita

And this is a Margarita.

marg

think