Sixty-three short and long days ago, we watched young Benjamin Higgins propose to a jorts-loving blonde, whose full name– as far as I’m concerned– is Lauren B.
Bauren, which rhymes with Borin’, which is kind of true, is still going strong. They continue to kill the All-American game off-camera, attending fundraisers and sporting events while looking skinny and hot. “Off-camera” is a bit misleading, since they’re still very much in front of the camera, but mostly only for still shots on Instagram and in People Magazine. Either way, they seem very happy, in love, and well-traveled.
Bauren is battling Kaitlyn and my buddy Shawn for which recent Bachelor couple will put off nuptials the longest in favor of high-paying appearance gigs before going their separate ways. I’d like to think that they’ll both get married, but if I learned anything from Bennifer #2 (Ben Affleck + Jennifer Garner), it’s that you can never trust a good thing when you see it.
In other Bachelor news, Sean and Catherine (who I claim as BFFs since we met one time in a bowling alley) are about to have a baby, Jade and Tanner are still married, but no tests have been conducted to determine if they’re related even though they look like twins, and Olivia the News Anchor is no longer a News Anchor. She’s now doing what everyone who was once quasi-famous does: Move to NYC and pretend to still be famous by posting an occasional professional photo of yourself on Instagram, but in reality, sit on the floor of your tiny apartment every night and wonder how soon you’ll have to get a boring, real job. #realtalk
Anyway, in case you’re new to my Bachelor recaps, you should know that I’m one of the few people that think contestants on this show are relatively normal. Yes, it’s really entertaining to make fun of everything that happens during such a warped and emotionally-draining dating process, but I’ve known enough people on the show to know that 80% of the people on it are relatively educated and successful humans. So despite my often sarcastic and cheeky way of recapping the episodes, just know that I’m not truly a hater. I’m just rolling with the dramatics, because that makes everything more fun.
Last season, I did a Bachelor Recap Pre-cap to get to know a little about each contestant before they stepped out of the limo, which included my predictions of their success on the show based solely on their photo and mini-bio that ABC posted on their website. I missed the mark here and there, but overall, my predictions were prettyyyy freaking impressive. I even called JoJo as the next Bachelorette. So trust me when I say that you’ll definitely want to read my pre-cap this season…but last season could’ve been a fluke, so don’t get too excited.
I do think predicting the success of men on the show by pictures and mini-bios will be a tad more challenging than judging females, but it’s important to challenge yourself as a Bachelor expert, you know?
Let’s start by introducing our Bachelorette: Joelle “JoJo” Fletcher, 25, Waco, Texas.
Here are few important things to remember about JoJo, besides the fact that she was the runner up last season, and one of the two girls on the receiving end of Ben the Bachelor’s addiction to the words “I love you.”
1. This is a picture of her mother on Hometowns.
2. Her older brother Ben (not to be confused with Ben the Bachelor) was a contestant on the failed reality show Ready for Love, which also starred a gentlemen who once took me on a date in NYC.
3. Her brothers were really big jerks to Ben the Bachelor last season, so watch out, boys.
4. She loves mimosas, wine, and sarcasm, and incorporates all three in her workouts.
5. She has a love-hate relationship with animals.
In my evaluation of her suitors, I will keep all of these things in mind.
ALEX. 25, 5’7″, U.S. Marine, has a twin, enjoys slow dancing.
Alex has a lot of things going for him, but height isn’t one of them. Something tells me that JoJo is looking for a big guy. I’m not necessarily calling JoJo shallow, nor am I saying there’s anything wrong with smaller dudes, but let’s all remember that she prefers to take piggy back rides wherever she goes, so she may be better matched with a large fellow who would barely notice her presence on his shoulders. Alex is hot, though, and probably has an attractive confidence given his career, so she’ll probably keep him around for a few episodes. Here’s to hoping his twin shows up, even though he somehow chose a career outside of Professional Twin.
ALI. 27, 5’8″, Bartender, calls himself “sweet,” is afraid of bugs.
Well, right off the bat, we have a few problems here. 1) He’s under 6’0″ (re: ALEX), 2) He’s a bartender, and JoJo is definitely going to go for a more traditional career man, 3) His fear of bugs mean they’re a terrible match, because as we saw last season, JoJo does not respond well to insects. She needs a man who can take the reins in that area of life. [Prince] Ali answered “I love when my date ____” with “dresses sexy,” and seems cocky in an over-the-top way, which is probably why he makes a good bartender, but a bad future husband. Also, those eyebrows. BRUH.
BRANDON. 28, 6’4″, Hipster (listed under “Occupation”), says being humble is one of his 3 best attributes, idealizes The Notebook.
I have had enough with these ridiculous “careers,” Bachelor casting directors! ENOUGH! I’ve seen Dog-Lover, Free Spirit, Chicken Enthusiast, Twin, and now Hipster. I’m so angry about it. I mean, if someone would pay me to be a Pizza Eater, yeah, you’d be free to call that my career. But until there’s money involved, we’ve got to take this kind of thing out of the Occupation category. Quick, before the next generation thinks “Hipster” is a legitimate career choice.
Back to Brandon. He’s 6’4″, so that’s good, but he’s also extremely emotional and is either super soft spoken, or will lose his mind the first night when he sees her talking to other guys. Or maybe both. Either way, I don’t think he’ll make it past Night 1. If he does, the other guys will start making fun of his hair, and sooner or later JoJo won’t be able to handle his overly deep thoughts.
CHAD. 28, 6’2″, Luxury Real Estate Agent, is obsessed with quoting Matthew McConaughey, says his greatest achievement to date is being born good-looking.
Dear. Lord. What am I supposed to do with this guy. He’s obviously going to be around for awhile unless he blacks out the first night, but I can’t decide how much of his bio is him attempting to be sarcastic and funny, and how much of it is his real personality. Whenever they asked him something about another person (ex: Who do you admire most in the world?), he answered, “Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.” Funny the first time. Moderately funny the second time. Really stupid the third time.
I predict he’ll stick around for a while because JoJo will be taken with his confidence and
charm biceps, plus she’ll be intrigued that his name is the same as her serious ex-boyfriend’s (before Ben), but he won’t go all the way.
CHASE. 27, 6’3″, Medical Sales Rep, would not sell his truck for love, fears Stage 5 Clingers.
It’s beginning to become clear that Alex and Ali are going to look like absolute midgets (Not PC? Please don’t hate me!) compared to the rest of the guys. Chase is great on paper, but he’s 100% on the show for attention, not to fall in love. Even still, he will go far. There’s a chance he’ll turn JoJo off by being a bit too into his appearance and money, but how shallow can a guy really be if his favorite movies are The Chronicles of Narnia?? I respect that. This one’s a tough nut to crack, especially when you look at the neckline of his shirt, but I’m expecting pretty big things.
CHRISTIAN. 26, 5’11”, Telecom Consultant, loves Sci Fi movies, owns 2 cats.
Christian needs to lead with his smile and a great suit if he wants to make the first round of cuts. He might stand out to JoJo among the beef heads, because he actually seems to have a pretty unique personality, but it also may come across immature, seeing that he wants to travel to space one day in order to take selfies. I give him two episodes.
COLEY. 27, 6’2″, Real Estate Consultant, wants to go on an African Safari, has patchy facial hair.
Okay, fine, that last part of his description wasn’t in his mini-bio, but just look at the picture. It’s like Jared from Kaitlyn’s season all over again, except this time there’s gelled hair and rosy cheeks. I’ve been trying to figure out which guy is the one who arrives the first night dressed as Santa Claus, and this kid was my first guess, but no, I found him in the group picture sans-Santa suit. Will the real Santa please stand up? Coley’s personality isn’t interesting enough to make up for the greased-back hair, so I suspect he’ll be gone the first night. He seems nice, though, and has a pretty cool name.
DEREK, 29, 6’3″, Commercial Banker, hates cucumbers, thinks about shark feeding time.
I LOVE DEREK. He’s a front runner for sure. First of all, those eyes. Stop right there. Beyond that, he has just enough humor to be interesting, but isn’t trying too hard like the rest of the guys. He talks about the time he went skinny dipping in the ocean at 3 a.m. when all the sharks were bound to be feeding, and that sealed the deal for me. Anyone who understands the very real danger of shark attacks really gets it. “It” being “life.”
His parents have been married for 33 years and he talks about having compassion for others, which means he’ll get all the “husband material” lines that producers feed to JoJo this season. Top 4 at least. If he doesn’t win, I’m calling him as the next Bachelor. MARK MY WORDS. (Let’s see if I can go two for two.)
DANIEL. 31, 6’1″, Male Model, refers his body as a “Lambo” (Lamborghini, folks), has good manners.
No. Just no. He speaks in abbreviations, his career will be over any day since he’s not 18, and his charm-o-meter is at a zero. He’s tall and has dark hair, so he might stick around for a few episodes, but I also wouldn’t be surprised if she sends him packing on night one. The guys will definitely find him annoying.
P.S.– Whatever ABC intern put all these bios up on their website put Daniel and Derek out of alphabetical order, so I’m trying to keep consistency, but just know that they’re the ones in need of better interns, not me. I’m my own intern. BOOM.
EVAN. 33, 5’11”, Erectile Dysfunction Expert (????), says chipped nail polish is a dealbreaker, claims to have powerful sexual energy.
You’ve read all you need to know. Hope his powerful sexual energy is enough to satisfy himself for awhile.
GRANT. 27, 6’2″, Firefighter, leads girls on, possibly hates Harry Potter.
We’ll start with the fact that this picture of him is super embarrassing, because he’s obviously not a male model but wants to be.** He needs to have a chat with Daniel. It’s possible that he might come across charming at first, but he claims to do “cute little stuff for girls, even if we’re just ‘hooking up,'” so it’s also possible that he’s a total douche canoe. He got slapped in the face at a bar by one of his exes, which is not in the least bit surprising. I give him 2-3 episodes.
**[Update] I’ve been informed that according to Grant’s Instagram, he is a male model. Awkward…
JAKE. 27, 6’1″, Landscape Artist, says “I’m sure” a lot, doesn’t fear any animals.
Jake looks too much like a teddy bear for JoJo to show much interest. There are enough guys that have his exact same personality, but with chiseled jaws, that will outshine Jake the first night. It’s fine, though, because while he looks like a teddy bear, his mini bio leads me to believe he’s a bit socially awkward. He’ll be much better off finding love back home.
JAMES F. 34, 6’2″, Boxing Club Owner, is laser removing all of his tattoos, used to have a buzz cut with bangs.
I want to know why he’s getting all of his tattoos removed. Is one of them his ex-girlfriend’s name in cursive? Is one of them a shadow sketch of Miley Cyrus? I mean, they’ve got to have some serious embarrassment factor if he’s getting rid of them. The rest of his bio seems pretty normal, other than the fact that he does some diet called “carb cycling” and his favorite movie is Les Miserable. Don’t get me wrong, I love Les Mis, but it certainly adds an air of mystery to this guy. I have no good reason for saying this, but my hunch tells me he’ll be gone the first night.
JAMES S. 27, 6’1″, Bachelor Superfan (Occupation), always pays for the girl on a date, had a 7 year relationship.
My first thought is that he looks exactly like Woody from Toy Story. Am I right?? Now about this “Bachelor Superfan” thing. I don’t think it’s a huge issue in and of itself that he’s a Bachelor Superfan, but what self-respecting guy would let producers convince him to put that as his occupation? Red flag. Despite this incredibly poor decision on his part, though, his bio leads me to believe he’s one of the most normal and datable guys on the show. I don’t think he’s edgy enough to win, but he may sneak into the Top 4. If not, he’ll be right on the bubble.
JAMES TAYLOR. 29, 6’2″, Singer-Songwriter, has tattoo of American Flag + Eagle on shoulder, favorite movie is Wedding Crashers.
James Taylor gets to use his full name because his name is James Taylor. And he’s a singer-songwriter, because of course he is. Obvious things aside, may I present to you the funny frat guy who does a keg stand at 7 p.m. just to get the party started. James Taylor (which is going to be way too long for JoJo to say in interviews, so my guess is that it’ll be shortened to “JT” or “JTaylor” or “Tay Tay”) is that person who all the guys love, because he’ll do absolutely anything someone tells him to do, and girls think he’s just entertaining enough to be kind of attractive. He’ll be around for awhile because JoJo likes funny people, and she’ll want to keep him around to keep spirits up in the house.
JONATHAN. 29, 6’1″, Technical Sales Rep, has a tattoo of his grandmother on his arm, doesn’t believe gluten is a real allergy.
Gone the first night, no ifs ands or buts about it. Even producers won’t want to keep him around. He’s in the mix solely for shock factor the first night. All I can hope is that we actually get to see this tattoo of his g-ma.
JORDAN. 27, 6’2″, Former Pro Quarterback, Aaron Rodgers’ brother, I repeat Aaron Rodgers’ brother.
Even I know who Aaron Rodgers is, which means he must be very good at what he does (which is play football, in case you have never socialized in your life). Or if he’s not good, he must be really aggressive with nailing down lots of commercials and “franchise quarterback” contracts, because I never know anyone or anything relating to football. These are the names I know: Aaron Rodgers, Tom Brady, Ben Rothersburger (IDK, but that’s how it sounds), Jay Cutler (because he bought me a drink once), Tim Tebow (I don’t think he actually plays anymore), Mark Sanchez (hot), Peyton Manning (dad crush), Eli Manning, and then any players who have been on Dancing with the Stars. That’s all I’ve got.
Anyway, Aaron Rodgers’ younger brother is this good-looking kid, Jordan. Jordan will be JoJo’s favorite off the bat because he’s Aaron Rodgers’ brother. Plus, he’s probably from a well-to-do family, and will therefore know how to behave politely, dress well, and carry on conversation, since that’s probably what he has to do in the box seats at every Packers games. (I Googled which team Aaron Rodgers plays for.) He knows how to keep it classy, because he’s used to needing to uphold the family name, which explains why he answered “What’s the wildest thing you’ve done in the bedroom?” with “Try to hang a TV on the wall without directions or a stud finder.”
Who cares if Jordan has a real job or not? Doesn’t matter. Also, he’s afraid of heights, which means he and JoJo will 100% jump out of a plane or bungee jump together this season. He’s my #2 pick to be the next Bachelor if he doesn’t end up engaged to JoJo at the end of this season. Top 4 EASILY.
(Sorry that description was so long. I’ll reel it in.)
LUKE. 31, 6’1″, War Veteran, is a party starter, admires Mark Cuban.
This guy is far more normal than his face lets on. Nothing is wrong with his face, exactly, but he could easily be cast as The Wolf in the musical Into the Woods. Is he related to Johnny Depp? Just an honest question. Anyway, he’ll be around for awhile. His answers lead me to believe he’s very educated and somewhat mature. Middle of the pack, most likely sent home the second leg of the international travel episodes.
NICK B. 33, 6’1″, Electrical Engineer, loves military war movies, plays rugby.
From the process of elimination, which has involved me looking at the group picture each time I write one of these descriptions to see if I can find the guy in the group, I’ve decided that Nick B. must be the guy in the Santa suit. I don’t know what to think of him. If I had to guess…which I do, because I’m literally writing a blog about predictions…I’d say he makes it past the first night. Barely.
NICK S. 26, 6’1″, Software Salesman, doesn’t like adventurous cheeses, chased a mountain lion.
This guy is pretty young, and you can tell. He’s also wearing an ascot in his picture. Just wanted to point that out. I think JoJo has her fair share of weirdos to sift through the first night, so guys like Nick S. might make it a little further than they normally would, but he won’t go far.
PETER. 26, 5’11”, Staffing Agency Manager, fascinated by dinosaurs, good cook.
Peter is a nice guy. He wears a khaki suit the first night, as seen in the group picture, which is one of the biggest fashion risks a guy can take. He actually looks pretty good in it, though, won’t lie. It’s that caramel skin. I didn’t think I’d say this from my first glance at his picture, but I think he’s going to be Top 6.
ROBBY. 27, 6’1″, Former Competitive Swimmer, says one of his best attributes is being handsome, uses hashtags.
He’s cocky and annoying, but JoJo will probably like him. I was about to hate on his excessive use of exclamation points in his mini-bio, but then I remembered that my husband can’t send a text message unless it involves 3+ exclamation points, so I have to look past that in Robby’s evaluation. I think he’ll be Top 10.
SAL. 28, 6’2″, Operations Manager, egged a teacher’s house in high school, gun owner.
Meh. Gone night 1 or 2. Unless he has a really deep voice, and then he might make it a bit further.
VINNY. 28, 6’0″, Barber, momma’s boy, calls his friends “my boys”.
Vinny and Sal? What show am I watching? The Sopranos? I think it’s safe to assume that Vinny is from Staten Island**, though they didn’t include hometowns in their mini-bios. He’s probably a pretty sweet guy, because Italian moms raise their boys right. But he is very wrong for JoJo.
** Upon second glance, ABC.com does say where each guy is from, and Vinny is from Delray Beach, FL. I don’t know much about the culture in Delray Beach, but it must be the warmer version of Staten Island.
WELLS. 31, 6’0″, Radio DJ, doesn’t like pizza, wants to be married and have kids.
I don’t trust people who don’t like pizza, and I definitely don’t trust them if they’re also radio DJs who wear jean jackets, but that’s just me. I believe Wells legitimately wants to find love since he’s one of the older guys (despite looking 17), but I also believe that he’s too skinny for JoJo. He’s probably a decent guy, but gone in episode 3 or 4.
WILL. 26, 6’2 1/2″, Civil Engineer, go-to dance move is the Bernie, favorite movie is Good Burger.
I loved everything this kid had to say in his bio, other than his decision to describe his height in half inches. Anyone who throws it back to the 90s with the reminder of Good Burger gets extra points, for sure. He seems like he’ll be one of the quieter guys around, and I think JoJo will be drawn to him. He may not have model good looks, but let’s remember– that’s not what wins girls over in the end. Will’s kind eyes will go far. Top 6-8 potential.
Alrighty, so here’s a quick summary of my predictions based solely on pictures and mini-bios. These are JUST PREDICTIONS, and I refuse to read spoilers, so don’t tell me if I’m right:
Potential for Top 4:
Chase, Derek, Jordan, James S., Luke
High-Middle of the pack (Top 6-10):
Chad, James Taylor, Peter, Robby, Will
Low-Middle of the pack (Gone in first 3-4 episodes):
Alex (almost put him in High-Middle), Christian, Grant, Nick B., Nick S., Wells, Vinny
First to go:
Ali, Brandon, Coley, Daniel, Evan, Jake, James F., Jonathan, Sal
Let the games begin next Monday!!