My friends rarely share pertinent information on Facebook, but when they do, it’s of the utmost importance. In case your friends are not as concerned with your wellbeing as mine are (get new friends), and you missed the big news, I’m here to make sure you know what’s going on:
The United States of America is sitting on an extreme surplus of cheese.
According to Bloomberg News— which is a legit source of data– our country has more cheese than it knows what to do with. It all has something to do with European dairy pricing and exportation issues, but who cares WHY this has happened? The important thing is that it HAS.
To quote Bloomberg, “USDA statistics show cheese inventories at the end of March were the highest for the date since 1984, the year Prince’s ‘Purple Rain’ was released.” I’m not really sure of the connection there, but I like it. We can only assume this means that the more cheese that is readily available for your consumption, the more your creative genius awakens inside of you. Now I know why I’m a writer, singer, and doodle-lover! It’s all that cheese getting to my brain, because no one else is helping me eat it, apparently.
Listen, I’m not here to tell you how to live your life, but if you have even one ounce patriotism in your bones, you can’t ignore something of this magnitude happening inside your own country. America needs you. Your time is NOW.
It’s time to roll up your sleeves, grab your cheese board, and get to work. This is America, goshdarnit! How could we, of ALL countries, have let this happen? It’s practically our civic duty to uphold the reputation of gorging until we can no longer walk, especially on cheesy goodness. How have you been wasting your fatty food consumption? On crab-flavored potato chips? On Berger Cookies? Bread and fancy flavored oils?? What is it?? What could possibly distract you from the most satisfying food of all time??
The even bigger question is, what in the world have you been eating with all your wine intake? Because apparently, you have not regressed in that area of your diet.
I guess I should address the most disturbing part of this whole debacle. More than 50% of the extra cheese in our country is American cheese. The irony is strong. But I get it. If I’m faced with a choice, I’m heading straight to the Brie, or maybe something in the stinky and blue realm.
It’s about time we rein in our hoity-toity ways and get back to the basics. American cheese may not sound like the greatest option, but it’s quite possibly the least offensive cheese in the world. Throw a block of American cheese on the snack table and I guarantee it’ll get the job done, no matter how many picky eaters you have in the room. Not to mention, American cheese simply tastes like summer, giving life to burgers, mac & cheese, and the Great American Tuna Casserole. How quickly we forget our roots.
So let’s step up our cheese game, everyone, and truly make America great again in 2016. Remember– this is a team effort! I can’t do it alone. Trust me, I’ve tried.