Showering can be a really cumbersome task. Especially for women. Especially on Mondays, which is today…so this is a particularly relevant post.
Men can just hop in and out of the water, throw on some clothes and call it a morning. I would never want to be a dude, but seriously, their lives are ridiculously easy. They should be embarrassed to complain about anything– ever. We ladies can’t rely on a solid buzzcut and naturally even skin to get us to work on time. (Unless you’re one of those really edgy girls who flawlessly flits around with no hair and a nose ring. Those girls are winning life.)
Back to showering. The thought of getting my hair wet is really overwhelming. It not only requires squeegeeing the shampoo AND conditioner out of my long locks, which takes forever, but it also means having to blow dry the whole mop afterwards. I don’t have patience for cold, wet hair soaking through my clothes. Blow drying my hair makes me hot, uncomfortable, and– like I’ve mentioned before– my arms get really tired.
Then there’s the makeup thing. Makeup takes me like, three minutes, but still. Showering makes my skin extra red and blotchy, so I get more frantic about my makeup application than I do when I’m just covering up the stuff I slept in the night before.
Shaving isn’t even worth mentioning.
As you can see, showering easily gets the boot in my morning routine. STOP. I’m not gross. I’m actually less gross than most people, since I can go days at a time without showering, yet I don’t smell bad. Frankly, I’m probably the cleanest person you know with BOMB pheromones. #blessed
If you’re jealous, which I know you are, let me share a few tips to getting away with not showering:
1. Wear workout clothes
The most important thing to know about this tip is that you don’t actually need to work out. As a matter of fact, I advise against it, otherwise you legitimately would need to shower. But if you need to run some errands, yet your hair is a grease ball, just throw on some sneaks, running leggings, and a t-shirt, and people will assume you’re running errands after a hard workout. Instead of being grossed out, they’ll be impressed at your dedication to the gym. (LOL)
2. Braid your hair
If you haven’t yet, you really need to learn how to french braid the front of your hair. In addition to hiding the offensive dreadlocks forming near your face, braids actually look prettier with greasy hair. Plus, when your hair is braided, people will assume you put effort into the way you look, and subsequently think that included a shower.
3. Wear a hat
This is an age old trick, because hats hide everything and they’re cute. A baseball cap says, “I’m a chill girl who likes to be outdoors.” Cute. A fedora says “I’m a trendy girl who likes accessorizing.” Cute. A beanie says “I’m edgy and have a sarcastic, yet charming personality.” Cute. None of them say “Check out my greasy hair that hasn’t seen shampoo in a week.” Win!
4. Light makeup
The urge is to apply a lot of makeup to hide the fact that your pores are slowly eating your face. RESIST THE URGE. The more makeup you apply, the more people will assume you’re overcompensating for something. It’s like a guy who drives a humongous truck. Major red flag.
Put on a teeny amount of foundation– just enough to blend the foundation that is already there from the night before…or if you had a particularly productive night prior and actually took off your makeup, then A. congratulations, that’s amazing, and B. apply just enough foundation to hide your discoloration. Set it in with a bit of powder, dab some concealer under your eyes, and top things off with just a hint of blush on the cheeks. No eye makeup. Your eyeliner is probably still there from yesterday anyway. We’re going for the “I just got out of the shower and have a fresh face” look, even though we all know that no one has a fresh face when they get out of the shower.
**Numbers 5 and 6 are topics I wish I didn’t need to address, but it’s important that I cover all the bases because there’s a fine line between not showering and being a totally disgusting person**
5. Change your underwear a lot
I go through like, four pairs of underwear a day. I have my sleeping underwear, my morning underwear, my post-activity underwear, and my nighttime lounge underwear. This is key when it comes to not showering. If you don’t shower AND you don’t change your underwear on the reg, then you’ve hit a low that even I can’t support. And that’s saying something. Shape up.
6. Shave your armpits no matter what
I may not shower daily, but you won’t find me with untamed underarms. If the hair on your head is braided, you’re wearing clean underwear and workout clothes, and your face looks fresh– you don’t want to blow your whole cover by offending people when you lift your arms to give them a “Hey! Great to run into you!” hug. Keep it clean. Apply deodorant. Dry shaving isn’t as bad as you think it is. Just saying.
7. Wear scarves
For some reason, I’ve never seen an unkempt person wearing a scarf. Even if it’s summer, a light summer scarf can take your look from “I might be homeless” to “I’m the kind of girl who drinks iced coffee and has a good job.” Obviously, this look is for when you can’t get away with wearing workout clothes. I personally like to pair scarves with a top knot a.k.a. high bun a.k.a. grease sphere. You could even pair a scarf with a hat, but might look desperate.
8. Body Mist
Do not wear perfume if you haven’t showered. Trust me. Instead, try a light body mist that won’t mix as harshly with your B.O. (or in my case, rosey pheromones), but has the same affect as Febreze. People will know that you smell nice, but it won’t overwhelm their senses.
9. Eat a salad
People who don’t shower eat sweet & sour chicken or meat-lovers pizza. If you order a salad, no one will be the wiser that you’re on your 3rd pair of underwear for the day. Think about it: A girl rocking a sleek top knot and a summer scarf, wearing minimal makeup and vaguely smelling of very berry body mist while she eats a grilled chicken and apple salad. That girl screams, “I’m clean and have my life together!”
10. Be confident
I can always tell if someone hasn’t showered, because they look ashamed the whole time they’re talking to me. Flash your pearly whites, which you’ve obviously brushed at least twice by 3 p.m. because you’re not an animal, and show the world that you’re an important, functioning member of society.
P.S.– I usually shower at least every other day. Just wanted that to be on the record because my dad reads this, and I need him to know he didn’t raise a total ogre.