If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my years of watching The Bachelor, it’s that Chris Harrison always overhypes teasers, so things are usually a let down. Last night was no different. From the looks of things, I was ready for Ben to tell another girl sitting on that stage that he loves her, too (plus Lauren, plus JoJo), but instead he was just forced to prove he could tell the twins apart. Yes, this definitely had potential to end poorly/be hilarious, but he passed with flying colors because– in case you forgot– Ben is perfect.
The twin test was at the end of the whole ordeal though. Let’s back up. Women Tell All starts with Ben and Chris crashing Bachelor viewing parties. The sorority house was the clear favorite. Ben liked it because all of his college dreams come true as 60 women pounced on him in their pajamas. Chris liked it because a girl FaceTimed her mom to let her say hello and told Chris that he’s the whole reason they watch the show. Foreshadowing that Chris will be the Bachelor someday..?
My favorite part was when Chris said, “Think about where your life was a year ago!” as he and Ben walked back to their party bus. Ben goes, “Hah, I know…I was on Tinder.”
If there’s an idiot girl out there who ever swiped left for Ben, I hope it haunts your dreams forever.
Finally, the live portion of the show begins, with most of the memorable girls from this season in attendance, minus Mandi the Chicken Lookalike. Probably because she got fired from her dentist job upon returning home, and didn’t want to be further blacklisted from the dental community by returning to the show.
Mandi’s twin, Sheila the Chicken, was there in her place. Sheila’s owner was a contestant named Tiara, but that’s a moot point.
Within the first few moments of Chris asking Caila a vague opening question, Jami the Bartender aka Gretchen Weiners aka Mini Amber aka The Baby jumps in to speak, and everyone already looks annoyed with her. That girl loves being in the center of drama, you can tell. Just as Jen (the beautiful one who got no airtime the entire season) began to speak about Olivia, Sheila the Chicken momentarily loses her cool and flies into Lace’s lap. Live television at its finest.
If a chicken flapped into my lap while I was wearing my favorite ill-fitting Elvis-inspired studded white dress from Forever 21, I would be a little peeved/grossed out. Lace surprisingly handled it like a champ, which was the first sign that she showed up sober this evening…much to my disappointment.
Chris Harrison tries to get things back on track with a respectable dad joke: “Oh! Look! Sheila decided to migrate south.” LOL, Chris, good one. Then he says “Sorry you were interrupted, Jen, but we’ll have plenty of time to talk about Olivia later.” Oh, boy.
He then draws everyone’s attention to Leah (?), and the audience boos loudly because that’s what the cue card told them to do. In case you forgot who Leah was– which is understandable because she was on her way to being forgettable until she turned into an evil monster in Episode 6— she’s the one who tried to put a wedge between Ben and Lauren B by telling Ben that “Lauren acts different in the house than she does around Ben.” At Women Tell All, Leah tries to clarify her statements, saying that “Lauren B said that girls are ‘losers’ for feeling upset on the show.” Me thinks she twisted Lauren’s words a bit, but I wasn’t there. Either way, Leah goes on to say that she didn’t lie, to which all the girls say, “Uh, they literally just replayed you lying on camera,” but Leah still denies it. It’s an impressive display of stubbornness in the face of blatant evidence. Maybe the Manitowoc County Police Department is hiring.
Next up: Jubilee. Jubilee immediately jumps into her go-to spiel, “I’m just different and hard to understand.” No one bites that bait because it’s old and used up, so Jami (drama-loving Gretchen) pulls a new trick out of her bag and angrily reports that Jubilee told everyone off camera that she wanted to be “the first full black girl to go far on The Bachelor.” I can see how this might bother the biracial girls (Jami and Amber), because race is a very tender subject, especially on the whitest show in history. But also, Jami…uh, Jubilee was indeed the only non-mixed, “full black” girl in the house, just like Sheila the Chicken was the only natural blonde. And neither a black girl or a
natural blonde chicken have made it to the Top 4 in this show’s history, so yes– Jubilee did have the chance to be the first. Facts are facts. Nonetheless, I’m sure Jubilee said the race comment with her usual air of being better and different than everyone else, which would annoy me, too.
Finally, Jubilee decides to apologize for the comment. Jami refuses to accept it because she’s having too much fun in the limelight. Everyone groans when Jami tries to keep the fire blazing, though, so she quickly follows her big sister Amber’s lead and changes her tune to be more forgiving.
Chris Harrison then decides to call Jubilee into the hot seat. WHY?? Didn’t we just spend the last ten minutes talking about her?
She does look really good, though. Goodness gracious, Jubilee is pretty.
Nothing interesting happens with Jubilee in the hot seat because it all already happened.
It’s your turn, Lace!
Lace walks over to the hot seat to watch her montage of embarrassing moments on the big screen. She’s laughing right along with everyone else, and it’s clear she’s not a villain in the hearts of the other contestants. They obviously find her to be the entertaining friend of the group who is easy to make fun of in a lovable way.
I didn’t even want to mention this because it was so staged, but I feel like I have to: At one point, a man jumped out from the audience and showed Lace that he has a tattoo of her face on his ribs. I will bet 1,000 USD that the tattoo was fake, and that this was all a stunt. Nonetheless, he gets to take a picture with Lace before being escorted off the set. Chris Harrison can’t help himself, and sarcastically says, “We need better security…”
Lace tells Chris that these days, she’s just trying to live by the words on her tattoo: “You have to love yourself before you can love someone else.”
Chris: “Do you love yourself enough to love someone else yet?”
Chris: “So do you want to go on Bachelor in Paradise where the premise of the show is to find love?”
You better believe I’ll be recapping BIP 3 this summer.
Olivia is next to take the stand, and I’m offended by her white jumpsuit. It is so unflattering that it gives white jumpsuits across America a bad name, which is unfair. The white jumpsuit I wore to my rehearsal dinner was fabulous.
They should’ve used this as the re-introduction montage of Olivia. Be sure your sound is up:
The first few minutes of Olivia’s interview with Chris is all about her being sad that her relationship with Ben ended, because she really believed in their connection. No one cares. Things finally start getting good when the other girls tell Olivia that she was a bully. Olivia says she definitely wasn’t a bully, because she was bullied in elementary school, so she wouldn’t do that to other people.
News flash: We were all bullied in elementary school. I ate in a bathroom stall with my lunch tray on my lap multiple times, and a boy by the name of Kevin Neal pretended to be my boyfriend as a dare, and everyone knew it was a joke but me. None of that really affects my adult life…perhaps I’m resilient, or maybe I’m just blind to how it affects my personality. Either way, I don’t feel bad for Olivia.
The twins have a lot of feelings about Olivia, and it’s too much to explain with words. Just know that they really really don’t like her, and neither does their mom SO THERE.
Speaking of moms, Amanda the Mom hosted a party with all of her woodland creature friends last week and lost her voice from all of the joyful singing. I never knew what a sick chipmunk sounded like until now, but it’s super sad. Anyway, she told Olivia that she and mothers across America were offended by Olivia’s comment that “Ben should run in the other direction because Amanda has kids.” She and the other girls were also offended that Olivia said none of them were smart. Amanda’s winning quote was, “Being a mom is my jam.”
BURN. Swallow your own words, Olivia.
In case you forgot, when Olivia was on one of her rants telling Ben why she’s smarter than the rest of the girls, she said “Deep things are my jam.” She also said “I like to talk smart things.” What a perfectly constructed sentence!
Every time they show Caila or Amanda’s reactions to something being said, all I can see is Tiara stroking Sheila in the row behind them.
The final woman to take the hot seat before Ben’s grand entrance is Caila. Sweet Caila is back to normal girl, pre-Bachelor contestant weight, and I don’t feel quite as bad about myself. She still looks phenomenal, by the way– just less hungry.
Chris Harrison pulls out all the stops to try and make Caila cry– because that is his one job during WTA– but he barely succeeds. She is determined to remain dignified enough to still be in the running for the next Bachelorette.
Caila: “Watching it back, I hope that one day I find a man who will look at me the way Ben looks at Lauren B and JoJo.”
Chris: “That’s very brave of you to say, Caila. Especially since you were probably hoping Ben would be that man.”
Finally, Ben takes the stage. He looks less terrified than I would expect him to look as he faces 20 girls he dumped. But he’s a confident stud who never disrespected any of the girls on their way out, so I guess he has a right to be calm.
Chris jumps right in by saying to Ben, “You’re so good at compartmentalizing relationships that you told two women you love them.” Ben agrees that compartmentalizing relationships is his jam (see what I did there?), then proceeds to tell Caila that he dumped her because their relationship wasn’t as good as the other two. I’m confused.
Leah tries to blame Ben for being the reason she was “forced to lie.” I thought you didn’t lie, Leah…? Seriously, go call the Manitowoc County Police Department. You’re a perfect fit. Ben tells Leah that her choices were hers and hers alone. It’s obvious that he still can’t remember her name.
Jubilee tells Ben that she felt like he blamed her for their breakup, when in reality, she didn’t to anything wrong. Ben then goes on a beautiful rant about how he hopes none of the girls think they did anything wrong, and that their relationships didn’t work out only because it’s illegal to marry 28 women.
Ben’s statement to Olivia is the harshest. She asks him why she didn’t get the chance for a one-on-one date, and he bluntly says, “I had to choose relationships that I could see a future with, and yours wasn’t one of them.” For once, Olivia is speechless.
Amanda and Becca follow Caila’s lead by sweetly sucking up to Ben because they know they’re in the running to be the next Bachelorette. Sorry ladies. My money is still on JoJo.
WTA ends with Chris asking Ben if he’s currently in love, and Ben saying, “I’m more in love than I’ve ever been before. I’d marry that girl tomorrow if I could.” So, apparently at least one of the final two girls forgives Ben for saying “I love you” to the other one.
On that note, the teasers for the finale look awesome. Ben and JoJo can be heard having an intense conversation, but they can’t be seen because they’ve escaped into the bathroom, which is the one place cameras are not allowed. JoJo sobs her way through telling Ben that she needs more validation, and he says “I’m sitting on a bathroom floor with you telling you that I’m in love with you. What more do you need?” JoJo responds, “Are you in love with Lauren, too?” You then hear Ben answer, “Yes.”
GASP. It’s too much. It’s too much honesty, Ben! TOO MUCH!!
Only one more week. I will really miss doing these recaps every Tuesday morning. Bachelor in Paradise 3 can’t start soon enough!