Happy Friday, all!

Today, we have a special guest blogger— one of my favorite straight male friends! As you know, straight male friends are hard to come by for girl’s girls like me, but I happened to find this one a couple of years ago while he was sitting all by himself at a bar. His social skills are either really good or really bad– just depends how you look at it. Our friendship has evolved into me spending a lot of time trying to help him find a cute blonde girl to spend his life with…in case you’re single and interested. Anyway, he’s pretty hilarious and kind of edgy, so I thought he’d be able to shed some light on male behavior patterns. Buckle up, because he’s not quite as P.C. as I tend to be…but that’s probably why you’ll like him.

mischevious grin

My question for Jeff (that’s his name, by the way) this week was, “What does a guy’s behavior on the first date say about his interest level in the other person?

Here we go! Turning things over to Jeff in 3…2…1:

First off, you may be wondering why Shannon picked a 35 (that’s a three, followed by a five)-year-old single guy that still uses Snapchat (it’s hilarious and fun for people of all ages!!) to respond to any questions about dating. Me too. But she is paying me enough* that I’ll oblige and take the time to spread some old-guy wisdom on the Internet, which by definition then makes it Truth.

[*Editor’s Note: Nope, I’m not.]

Ah, the first date. 7pm. The chance for new love. Smiles beaming ear to ear while you share an order of flatbread pizza, talking about all your life experiences. What if I have something in my teeth? You make a joke too soon about growing old and gray together. Do we get another drink?? Just found out you both were at the same bar last weekend and didn’t know it! Oh God do I kiss him? Will he kiss me? His mother’s name is also Barb? What are the chances of that?! Speaking of mothers, I wonder if he wants to come to my family’s BBQ next weekend…

7:20pm…

Okay, that is possibly a slight exaggeration of how people get carried away on first dates, but you get the idea. The real purpose of this little post is to give some insight into how to tell if a guy might legitimately be interested in you, thereby upping the probability of a second date (or more). Through my extensive research (i.e. many years on Earth as a male), I have some tells that can help you ease your mind and [maybe] stop all the guessing.

  1. The first time meeting, he greets you with a handshake – Don’t expect to get any reads on this guy. A hug and/or a kiss on the cheek is someone to engage with. Handshake Guy uses that hand far more often than you’d like to know. Bring Purell.
  2. He talks about himself without asking about you – If you want a second date with this kind of guy, no one can help you, sorry.
  3. He declines to get another drink – If this is drink #4, he drove, and he has a meeting in the morning, I’d say that’s legit. Multiple drinks without trying to get in your pants, good. Declines/doesn’t suggest drink #2 while motioning to the waiter like he is signing the Declaration of Independence in the air, bad.
  4. Takes phone calls/multiple texts – Generally bad, but not always. If he says his mother is sick and she is texting him about it, ask to see her medical records. If his friend’s dog just died, ask for an autopsy report. If he’s telling the truth, what a sweetheart. If he’s not, move on. (He’s probably not.)
  5. The goodbye – Oh, the anxiety! Let’s break this down into all of the regular possibilities, with the percentage chance of a 2nd date:
    1. Hug (0%) – Very standard, and generally means “I had an acceptable time but don’t be surprised if you never hear from me again.” *
      [*Editor’s Note: Because I’m the queen of covering all my bases, I should point out that religious and cultural variables are not part of this evaluation.] 
    2. Kiss on cheek (10-50%) – Could have a few meanings. 1) He respects you and doesn’t want to cross the line. 2) He had a nice time, doesn’t want another date, but thinks a hug is just too lame. Or 3) He’s afraid a real kiss will give him an erection and isn’t willing to take the risk.
    3. Kiss on lips non-tongue (50-75%) – Mostly just too scared to take it further. Or he may kiss like a snake, and doesn’t want to expose it too early. Either way, it’s a solid sign.
    4. Kiss on lips with tongue (50-90%) – My guess is you had some sort of connection, and he just needed to see if there were any sparks. Or, he is horny. Either way, if you’re reciprocating, get ready to plan date #2.
    5. Clothes come off and/or sex (0-99%) – It’s a slam dunk right?! Well, while the percentages I used for this particular outcome indeed resemble a snow forecast by DC meteorologists, this huge span of possible post-coital forecasts is about as accurate as I can get. Maybe the clearer head prevails after all, and now one or both of you think that the other is just out for sex. Maybe your girdle pops off during things, revealing your not-so-gym body. Perhaps 32 seconds isn’t what she was looking for. The fact is, sex after a first date can lead in so many directions that I’d need a whole new article and 45,000 words just to begin the dissection process. On a positive not, this is the only time you could “end” a date with a high-five, and legitimately still have a chance for a 2nd one. high five gif

At this point in reading, you have probably grouped each guy you’ve dated into one of these categories, or simply into a separate bucket labeled “douchebag”. The fact is, guys can fall directly into one of these first date behavior categories, or—hate to say it– they may not.

“Thanks for the article that gives no real conclusion, douchebag!” may be what some of you are thinking right now. But hear me out. Guys, on average, are notoriously poor at showing expressing having feelings, communicating their true thoughts, or exposing their weaknesses. I– believe it or not– am just such a guy. (Please don’t tell any aggressive females in the DC Metropolitan area, as they may try to use this to their advantage.) That lack of emotional awareness alone can blow up everything I laid out above with regards to first date behavior.

On the other hand, some guys are very emotional, extremely romantic (Fabio), and willing to pour their hearts out to the bathroom attendant at the bar on a Friday night. (Seriously, why the hell* are bathroom attendants still a thing? I mean, sure, years ago it made sense. But paper towel dispensers are automatic, and the air dryers just need a simple push of a button. Christ, the sinks basically turn on when they hear you finish peeing. Now I need to tip you while you give me a single cigarette and a Tic Tac for a few dollars?? Not to mention that those poor people who have stage fright peeing now have another obstacle to contend with!)

[*Editor’s Note: Language, Jeffrey.]

Where was I? Oh right. The point. Until you know someone on a deeper level, you’re simply not going to know what is going on inside his/her head. Maybe they love you after one date, but your Confederate Flag cheeky underwear throws them off after date three. Maybe they just aren’t emotionally available. Perhaps date one with another suitor the next night knocked you down to #2.

In the world of endless communication via dating websites, Facebook, and Asian massage parlors, finding true monogamous love is tough. However, you should look no further than the author of this website to see that it can all change in the blink of an eye,* and you’ll know you’re in the right place when it happens. Until then, ladies (and even some gentlemen), don’t overanalyze. If you like someone, tell them. You want another date? Go for it. If you two are on the same page, it will work at the speed it is meant to go.

[*Editor’s Note: It’s true! It’s true! Read more HERE if you don’t know my marriage story, or why I got engaged after dating someone for only two months.]

For those of you addicted to overanalyzing, and you want to continue dwelling on why you know he gets up at 7:30am for work and has coffee at 7:43am while he checks his phone so he should text you by 8:04am, otherwise he must not like you because he had to have read your text, unless of course his 9.2.1 iOS update didn’t work properly so he had to rebuild from scratch so maybe he never even DID get that goodnight text……well, there are plenty of good animal shelters with cats looking for a good home.

Jeff
IG: j.bed
Twitter: @hrfdwhale