Last night was one of the most dramatic episodes in Bachelor history, and for once, I’m not being sarcastic. I feel a lot of nervous pressure to successfully depict exactly what went down, but I also feel pretty confident, given that 95% of my predictions have already come true. Before we dive in, let’s look at what I said about Olivia the News Anchor before Episode 1 even aired. Simply based on her picture, this is what I wrote:

“I saw her picture and immediately decided to start this out with “she looks like a news anchor.” Turns out, I have strong instincts, because she is a news anchor. My days in pageants taught me nothing if not what a young news anchor should look like. Ben will love her because she is articulate, basic, and dresses well.

THE CATCH: Thinks she understands everything about life, but she’s only 23.”

I did not predict her to be Top Villain because her official picture did a good job hiding her crazy eyes and shark teeth, but take a look at “the catch.” With that in mind, I will now draw your attention to the beginning of last night’s episode:

We pick back up at the rose ceremony, right after Ben pulled Olivia tNA to the side after hearing concerning things about her from the rest of the girls. Olivia tells Ben that she’s simply “misunderstood” because she likes to read books and “think about things” while the other girls like to do their nails and play with one another’s hair. She’s definitely not lying about that last part, because lots of girls rock the half up top knot hairstyle this week, which Becca probably taught them how to do. Still, Ben didn’t find Olivia’s “I’m smarter than the rest of them” speech very cute. Nonetheless, he lets her keep the rose and sends Jen home because he hates brunettes.

I just ruined the surprise, but we’ll run down through the rose ceremony anyway, because this is The Bachelor and rose ceremonies are important.

Lauren H the Kindergarten Teacher, Amanda the Mom, and Olivia TNA already have roses. The rest go to:

Caila

Lauren B

JoJo

Becca

Leah (?)

Emily the Twinless Twin

Jen gets the boot, and brunettes everywhere shed a tear for the extinction of their species on this season. Caila doesn’t count because she’s ethnically ambiguous, which is not the same thing as brunette.

Ben tells the girls that they’re heading to the Bahamas, and they all kick themselves for wasting their beachy floral kimonos on Mexico City. They all decide that the second best choice is to throw on their favorite romper.

Amanda the Mom tells the camera that the Bahamas is the most romantic place they’ve been thus far. Yeah, duh, Amanda. You’ve literally only been to L.A.– bleh, Vegas– home of legal prostitution, and Mexico City– land of the nose candy. Basically anywhere is more romantic.

the bachelor girls bahamas

Caila and the blondes in the Bahamas

Leah (?) thinks she is going to get the one-on-one date this week because she’s the only one left that Ben doesn’t immediately recognize when she enters a room. Instead, it goes to Caila, who already had a one-on-one date way back on Episode 2. For once, Olivia tNA doesn’t seem surprised that she didn’t get the one-on-one, given that she clearly hadn’t brushed her hair in about three days and was in no way prepared to go on a date that afternoon. Leah, on the other hand, is very surprised, and begins crying and saying angry things– a behavior pattern that will not end this entire episode.

The date card says: “Caila, Let’s see if our love is reel. –Ben”

Finally a solid pun on a date card.

Ben takes Caila deep sea fishing, and she almost falls overboard because the fish on the end of her line is bigger and stronger than she is. Thank God they put her in a harness that Ben had to hold onto so that she didn’t go flying off the side of the yacht. Honestly, that was a bigger trust exercise on a Bachelor date than any of the bungee jumping, cave-swimming adventures of seasons past.

Just as Leah is telling the camera that she doesn’t understand why Ben won’t take a leap with her, Ben and Caila are shown leaping from the side of the yacht into crystal turquoise water. Ten points for the editors!

During the night portion of the date, Caila tells Ben that she’s afraid she’ll never fully love someone, and I get flashbacks to Becca’s identical sentiments when she was on Farmer Chris’ season. Becca should probably warn Caila that that’s just a sign she hasn’t found the right guy yet, Ben included.

Ben’s fear of being unlovable and Caila’s fear of never completely falling in love is the worst combo ever, but Ben likes a girl who is hard to get, so he gives her the rose. Proof that people who feel “unlovable” (i.e. me, pre-Aaron…read all about it HERE) tend to bring it upon themselves by going after the people who are the least likely to love them. Ugh, humans and their twisted cycles.

Group date card:

Lauren B

Becca

Amanda the Mom

JoJo

Lauren H the Kindergarten Teacher

Leah (?)

Love is unpredictable. – Ben”

This means that Olivia tNA and Emily the Twinless Twin are automatically going on the dreaded two-on-one date. Viewers sigh in unison because it’s pretty clear that poor, confused Emily’s fate is sealed.

Leah is crushed that she’s going on yet another group date, and calls herself the “group date groupie.” It’s funny because it’s true. She throws a fit and threatens to go home since Ben refuses to show any interest in her, but then she changes her mind and decides that dressing like Spiderman will up her chances of standing out. Her red crocheted bathing suit top will surely leave some unfortunate tan lines, but anything in the name of attention!

All the half-naked girls jump aboard a miniature yacht and Becca once again proves to be the most sane by saying this:

“The water in the Bahamas is unpredictable. Do you know what else is unpredictable? SHARKS.”

Amen amen amen amen amen amen. The only time I ever braved the shark-infested waters of the Bahamas was my senior year of college, after stealing half a handle of rum from some random football-playing Spring Breakers on the beach, so I barely knew what I was doing by the time I boarded a banana boat with eight of my friends. I shudder at the thought of my stupidity, because in case you forgot– I am human shark bait. (Read about that HERE.)

Anyway, the girls all assume they’ll be swimming with sharks on today’s date, but the next thing you know, we see little tiny hooves paddling beneath the water, expertly set to Johann Strauss’ Blue Danube Waltz. No sharks, just twinkle toed pigs!

The girls are given cold hot dogs and instructed to jump in the water to feed the swimming pigs. Too bad Jubilee isn’t here. She would’ve loved this.

jubilee hot dogs

[Side note: Thank you Ben for specifying that the hot dogs were chicken dogs, because I can’t support forced cannibalism.]

The pigs are quite literally larger than the girls, and watching them attack the bikini-clad women is probably the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. The pigs have no sense of fear or personal space, and jump like puppies onto the girls as the women scream and receive pig hoof-bruises all over their bodies. I really need to use a visual here:

bachelor pigs

My brother and sister-in-law text me from their apartment in Manhattan, and I laugh so hard that I start choking. This is what my brother said (all the more hilarious because he is a talent agent, and really understands the inner workings of reality television):

pig textgoing in my blog gif

 

Once the amazing pig scene dies down, the girls weakly clamber onto the beach for refuge and alcohol. Lauren H rocks a baby pig to sleep in her arms as she tells the camera that the vibe on the island just got really awkward. Lauren B takes Ben to go flirt in the ocean a few yards away from the group, and all the girls look utterly depressed.

Leah is the most depressed, and starts crying. Again. I have a hard time hearing what she’s saying because it sounds like a pig is undergoing an exorcism in the background.

Ben comes over to talk to her, and she gives him the cold shoulder as she complains to him that he never talks to her, which frustrates him because that’s exactly what he’s trying to do right now. After their conversation, she tells the camera that she doesn’t feel better at all, and we can see two red horns beginning to sprout from her scalp.

The night portion of the date is pretty bleak. Even the sane girls like JoJo and Becca make it clear to Ben that he’s doing a horrible job hiding the fact that he likes Lauren B the best.

Leah decides to go from nobody to world’s biggest witch in 2.5 seconds, and says to herself “If Ben doesn’t like me, then he’s not allowed to like anyone else either!” She decides to tell Ben some made-up story about Lauren B being a villain, to which Ben reacts with a blank stare. Ben brings up the issue to Lauren B, who rightfully feels really confused and upset that someone would say mean things about her. Ben doesn’t tell Lauren B who said these things because he literally can’t remember Leah’s name.

Lauren B returns to the group in tears, and tells them that someone told Ben that “she’s different around the girls than she is in front of Ben.” Lauren H, Amanda, and Becca comfort her and assure her that no one feels that way. Then Leah walks in and asks Lauren B what’s wrong. Lauren B tells her that someone told Ben blahblahblah, and Leah puts on a scarily believable “I can’t believe someone did that to you!” face. JoJo doesn’t fall for her crap and asks Leah straight-up if she was the one to say those things to Ben. Leah denies it three times. A rooster crows.

Group date rose goes to Amanda the Mom.

Later that night, Amanda is giving Emily the Twinless Twin aka Fetus an arm scratch, just like my mom did for me every night before bed. They’re cuddled in bed with Lauren B, who has since figured out that Leah is the backstabbing culprit. “Where is she right now, anyway?” they wonder.

Funny you ask, ladies. Leah is currently on her way to Ben’s hotel room. She wants to tell him more made-up stories about Lauren B. Upon Leah’s arrival, Ben already looks tired and annoyed that the producers told him he had to stay awake for a surprise. He is even more annoyed when he realizes his “surprise” is that random girl who dogged his favorite girlfriend earlier in the day. He pours some wine (mostly for himself), and spends about ten minutes listening to Leah say abstract and clearly bitter things about Lauren B before stopping her. Ben tells Leah that in regards to their relationship– his and Leah’s, not his and Lauren B’s– something is “off” and she needs to go home. Ben can sense the crazy, which is more than we can say for Bachelors in the past.

Two-on-one date card: “Two girls, one rose. One stays, one goes.”— Chris Harrison.

Thanks for that downer, Chris.

Second two-on-one date card: “Lets see what the Bahamas has in store for us.”– Ben

Ben takes Emily the Twinless Twin and Olivia tNA on a speedboat to a private deserted island. They’re in the middle of a hurricane, but no one seems concerned about safety.

They set up camp on a blanket for about three seconds before Ben takes Olivia to some nearby pointy rocks to chat. She goes on and on about how well she knows herself because she has strong opinions about religion and politics, and says that “deep, intellectual things are my jam.” Go ahead and scroll on up to the top of this post and read what I said in “The Catch.” Then remind yourself that this girl is 23 years old. TWENTY THREE. Baby girl is in for a rude awakening over the next decade of life.

Olivia proceeds to tell Ben that she is in love with him. He doesn’t react at all. She feels great about it.

Ben then sweeps up Emily to talk privately for about five minutes, most of which consists of him trying to help keep her hair out of her face due to the 50 mph winds. They return to where Olivia is smugly sitting next to the rose, and it seems as though Olivia has won. Emily’s one-on-one time proved that she and Ben have no chemistry, and how could he possibly send Olivia home right after she told him she loves him?

Ben grabs the rose and asks Olivia to come with him. Here we go. She’s going to get the rose. Surprise, surprise.

Turns out, Ben has a sadistic side, because he brought that rose just to mess with Olivia’s head. He starts by telling her all the reasons he likes her, then suddenly does a 180 and drops this bomb: “I can’t return the feelings you have for me.” WHAT. And just like that, Olivia tNA is no more. She looks as shocked as we do.

Ben walks back over to Emily and gives her the rose, then they hop back aboard the speedboat while Olivia is left alone on the deserted island. Justice! Wide camera shots show that not even producers or cameramen are nearby to ensure Olivia’s safe return to dry land. My brother and sister-in-law text me this:

olivia rejected text

Since Olivia probably thinks she’s too good for Bachelor in Paradise, the producers thought they’d go ahead and force her into it by just leaving her on the island until the other cast members arrive. Well played, producers. Well played.

Back at the hotel, the girls keep it classy when they find out about Olivia tNA’s demise. But in their hearts, they’re doing exactly what Carly did when Kelsey was eliminated on Farmer Chris’ season:

carly gif

Ben cancels the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party because he already knows who he wants to send home.

Caila, Amanda the Mom, and Emily the Twinless Twin already have roses. The rest go to:

Becca

JoJo

Lauren B

Sadly, we say goodbye to Lauren H the Kindergarten Teacher– the comedic relief this entire season. With no class clown and no villains left, what is going to happen??

Well, according to teasers, there’s still plenty of drama to look forward to, because everyone– including Becca– cries at some point. And apparently Ben pulls a Jason Mesnick by choosing the wrong girl at the end, but realizes his mistake before he proposes. He then calls his #2 girl that he already dumped and asks for forgiveness. At least, this is what we’re made to believe. One of the best Bachelor seasons in recent history, am I right??

P.S.– JoJo secured her place as the next Bachelorette during the credits, when the blooper reel showed her trying to chase a “bat” out of their hotel suite in the most hilarious battle of man vs. wild ever captured on camera. Turns out it was a massive black moth, not a bat. I’m not exaggerating when I say that this battle was the most entertaining and laugh-inducing television I’ve seen in a long time. I thought the pig scene alone made this episode worth watching, but I must say that the JoJo/bat footage was even better.

Thanks for reading! I love all the texts and Facebook messages I get during the episodes as you all enjoy the insanity with me, and give me ideas for the recap. It makes watching that much more fun. See you next week! (Or hopefully before then because I do write about stuff other than The Bachelor on this blog…)