Another Monday, another night of spandex, aircrafts, and floundering reputations. Let’s start with what we learned this week:

  1. Olivia the News Anchor spent over $40,000 on her Bachelor wardrobe
  2. Ben’s dad had triple bypass surgery right before The Bachelor, and Nazi producers still haven’t let Ben talk to him in “awhile”
  3. Lauren B.’s jean shorts are sewn in steel
  4. Lauren H. has “zero ball-handling skills”
  5. “Awko taco” is apparently a term…one which I will be using regularly from here on out

We begin the evening watching the house divide itself between the Mean Girls and everyone else:

The cast:

Regina George……………………….Olivia tNA

Gretchen Wieners…………………Jami aka Mini Amber

Karen Smith…………………………..Hailey…Emily…?? We’ll go with Twin #2.

Regina and her minons are lounging on a poolside bed while Regina tells them how they should be feeling and they agree. The nice girls, i.e. Amanda the Mom and Lauren B. the Flight Attendant, are a few beds down, discussing why Regina is bad news. I believe the direct quote was, “I just can’t with her.”

Next thing we know, all the girls have changed into neon workout clothes and gathered in the living room so Gretchen Wieners can read the date card.

“Lauren B., The sky’s the limit. — Ben”

These clues get less and less creative with each season. Did they get a new intern? Bad hire.

Lauren B. immediately changes into her cool girl white converses and favorite pair of distressed daisy dukes— and in a shocking twist, does not wear a crop top. The rest of the girls immediately take off their workout tanks so that they’re ready to impress Ben with their colorful sports bras and temporary abs. I say “temporary” because I’d stop eating, too, if I knew I’d be forced to wear skimpy group date outfits on national television. The only girl semi-dressed for Ben’s arrival is Becca, because she’s already done this before and is 12 notches less desperate than her cohorts.

Ben sweeps Lauren B. away in a black Mustang convertible, and somehow her hair still looks perfect upon arrival at the airport. She’s not very impressed with being at an airport because she’s a flight attendant. I like her zero flips attitude. Ben walks her up to Snoopy’s plane, which has been painted yellow with the words “Sky Thrills,” and tells her they’re going to do tricks in the sky. She notes that the airplane only has one propeller, and internally wonders where they stash the snack cart.

Lauren B. and Ben take off and Lauren describes the experience as “calming.” I don’t think that’s what the founder of “Sky Thrills” was going for.

Their Snoopy plane is followed the entire time by a little white plane, which I can only assume is carrying Chris Harrison. Ben can barely hear what Lauren is saying, so instead he tries to kiss her. His lips bounce off of hers at least three times before they make serious contact, which makes me laugh really hard.

bachelor airplane

Their plane flies over the Bachelor Mansion, and producers quickly tell the girls on the ground that Ben and Lauren B. are in the tiny yellow dot flying above them. The girls pretend they figured it out themselves, and start imagining all of the dirty things that Ben and Lauren are probably doing a few thousand feet above the ground. I feel the worst for Caila, whose one on one date involved a trashy liquor store and a hot tub inside of a hot tub store.

Ben and Lauren B. have not totally mastered how to successfully kiss in the sky, but they keep trying until they land in the middle of absolutely nowhere. A lone hot tub sits in a grassy valley, and Lauren B. tries not to laugh as she says, “At this point, I don’t even care how this hot tub got here.” I wonder if it’s the same one Caila and Ben tested out in the hot tub store.

Ben tells Lauren B. to jump on his back for a piggy back ride down to the hot tub, and I tense up in preparation for her jean shorts to split right down the middle. They don’t. Producers magically produce a bikini for Lauren to change into, and she and Ben settle into making out in the hot tub while the cameramen capture expansive shots of golden mountains and raging hormones.

Back at the mansion, Caila tells JoJo that she’s “just now realizing that there are other girls here.” Where in the world did you think you were this whole time, Caila?

Ben and Lauren B. spend the night portion of their date in a random Victorian house, where they have some real conversation about family and values. It’s nice and doesn’t feel forced for once. He gives her the rose. They then go to a “private concert” by another E-list artist. Ben is really into kissing Lauren B., and I am even more convinced that she’s the one to beat. (I called it on the first night.)

Next is the group date with:

Amanda the Mom

Hailey aka Karen Smith, Twin #2

Jennifer

Shushanna 

Leah

Amber

Lauren H

Olivia tNA aka Regina George

Jami aka Gretchen Weiners

Rachel

Lace

Emily, Twin #1

Date card: “Love is the goal.

Seriously?? I can think of a million better soccer puns. How about “Can you handle my balls? Love, Ben”

In the first five minutes of the date, Lauren H. the Kindergarten Teacher takes care of the ball jokes for us by admitting she has “zero ball-handling skills.” Don’t worry, we didn’t think you did. I’m also immediately reminded of last year’s Miss America Pageant when the winner said she “needs to feel Tom Brady’s balls.” I was in the audience, and let me tell you– reliving that moment never gets old.

The girls on the group date reluctantly change out of their beloved Lulu Lemon attire and put on oversized soccer jerseys with volleyball shorts, i.e. spandex underwear. Amanda the Mom tucks in her jersey to make sure her children know that she has on pants.

After practicing their chest bumps (yep, everything you’re imagining), the girls are split into two teams, each captained by a member of the U.S. women’s soccer team/World Cup champion. The winning team gets to go on the night portion of the date, and the losing team has to go back to the mansion. Regina, Gretchen, and Karen are all on the same team, so obviously we know who we’re rooting for from an entertainment perspective.

bachelor soccer 2

Emily, Karen’s twin, puts up a solid fight as goalie against the Mean Girls…especially in comparison to Lace, whose goalie skills are about the same as her dating skills. But in the end, the Mean Girls win. The nice girls mope in their spandex underwear all the way back to the mansion. I wouldn’t be moping if I had that much thigh gap, but these girls are pretty selfish.

Shushanna the Russian immediately retreats to the floor of the bathroom, where we all know she hides her vodka beneath the counter. You do you, girl.

During Part Deux of the group date, Olivia tNA aka Regina immediately begins her mind tricks by stealing Ben away to a hotel room with a balcony overlooking the other girls, and yodels down to them so that they see her before she leads Ben back into the bedroom. Their reactions are what you might expect.

The other girls choose to handle their panic by making fun of Regina’s ugly toes. Twin #2 aka Karen Smith tells the camera that the other girls shouldn’t say such mean things about Regina, and that there’s a 100% chance it’s raining crazy. Upon Regina’s return from the hotel room, Jami aka Gretchen Weiners pulls her aside to tattle. This is their conversation, verbatim:

Gretchen: “The other girls were making fun of your physical appearance when you were gone.”

Regina: “Was it about my calves?”

Gretchen: “Uh..no.”

Regina: “Oh, so my cankles then?”

Gretchen: “No…”

Regina: “What then?”

Gretchen: “Your toes.”

Regina: “My toes…?”

Gretchen: *blank stare*

Welp, now we know that Olivia tNA has some major insecurities. I’d normally feel sad that women are so concerned with tiny “imperfections,” but Olivia is such a pain that instead, my mouth hangs open in amusement that she’s so quickly rattling off all of the things she doesn’t like about herself. Let this be a lesson: Mean girls tend to be the most insecure of all.

Ben gives the group date rose to Amber, because he has zero attraction to anyone on the group date except Regina, but he knows a riot will break out if he gives her yet another group date rose. Amber is the most desperate, so he decides to humor her. She is very humored.

The second one-on-one date goes to Jubilee, which means JoJo and Becca don’t get a date at all this week. I’m pretty sure Ben is punishing them for not knowing where Indiana is on a map.

Jubilee chooses a two piece, high-waisted, all white track suit with heels for her date. When Ben arrives to pick her up, she calls him out for being late, then darts her eyes around the room to make everyone as uncomfortable as possible. This is when Baby Jami aka Gretchen Weiners, says Jubilee is being “Awko taco.” Oh, yes.

We hear a helicopter in the background, and Ben tells Jubilee that their ride has arrived. The helicopter lands in the driveway, and Jubilee says she hates heights, then asks the other girls if anyone else wants to take her date. Every single girl raises her hand. Jubilee doesn’t say anything else before getting on the helicopter in the biggest display of “PSYCH!” in history. The girls freak out, duh.

Ben and Jubilee land at a health spa, where they are greeted with champagne and caviar. Jubilee has never had caviar, and proceeds to spit it out after Ben feeds it to her. Ben laughs hysterically. Everyone at home feels so awko taco that they avert their eyes while she wipes off the crumbs that are stuck to her lip gloss.

This whole date consists of Jubilee crying to Ben about her difficult past, and Ben staring at her like she’s a sick puppy. At dinner, she says she’s the only survivor in her entire family, and that she feels a lot of guilt. Ben nervously asks her why she’s guilty, because he’s just as scared as we are that she killed off her entire bloodline. She does not give him a straight answer, and instead stares at her fingernails, which are filed into pointy weapons. He decides that she’s an onion like Shrek and gives her the rose so that he can slowly peel her layers, both figuratively and literally.

bachelor onion gif

Miss you, Ashley S.

The only other important thing to know about this one-one-one date is that I spent 20 minutes trying to figure out what Jubilee’s chest tattoo says, and all I’ve got is “The Pastry Parade.”

The next morning, Lauren H. the Kindergarten Teacher who can’t handle balls says that she’s shocked Jubilee got a rose on her date because “Ben wants someone who can get along with all the other soccer moms and set up play dates.” Dear God.

We then jump forward ten hours to the feeding frenzy cocktail party. In Ben’s opening speech, he tells the girls that two of his close family friends died in a plane crash the night before. He’s visibly upset, and everyone except Regina wants to comfort him. Instead, she employs her go-to move of immediately stealing him away from the group and proceeds to LITERALLY CRY about how much she hates her cankles. Ben clearly becomes infinitely less attracted to her in that moment, because he’s dealing with death, and she doesn’t once ask him how he’s doing. She instead talks about her oversized calves. How the mighty will fall.

Amanda the Mom saves the day and asks Ben if he’s alright, because she’s a normal person with feelings. Amanda ftw.

Jubilee has already made herself the black sheep of the house, no pun intended– I promise, and further digs her grave by stealing Ben for one-on-one time even though she already has a rose. Not only that, but her one-on-one time consists of her giving Ben a full body massage. The girls absolutely lose it. “First, she was ungrateful for her date and offensively offered it up to the other girls. Then she doesn’t talk to us and is socially awkward. Now, she’s stealing Ben when she already has a rose.” The horror.

Amber decides to confront Jubilee because she wants more air time, and Jubilee is like, “Nah I’m good. Don’t want to talk.” Amber then decides it’s a good idea to get all of the girls who don’t like Jubilee to confront her at the same time. Jubilee’s fight or flight kicks in, and she runs away. She may be an army vet who fought in Afghanistan, but even that can’t prepare her for the Bachelor Mansion. Caila, the nicest person in the house, says what we’re all thinking: “No matter how much you don’t like someone, five on one isn’t a confrontation– it’s an attack.”

Ben looks spent as he climbs the stairs to comfort Jubilee in the bathroom. He tells the camera that he is “responsible for the emotions of the girls in the house.”

Ben, you are but one man. Don’t do that to yourself.

Amber joins Ben and Jubilee in the bathroom to tell Jubilee why all the girls don’t like her. Ben defends Jubilee like an uncle protecting his favorite niece. None of the vibes are good.

Jubilee is certainly unlikable, and definitely has a chip on her shoulder, but she has not surpassed Regina as Top Villain. Let that be on the record.

The night is winding down, and Ben plops down on the couch in between two nice girls. His eyes are glossy from dealing with his legitimate personal struggles, and I feel like he needs a good night’s rest. Not five seconds after Ben sits down, Lace asks him if they can talk. She’s already crying. Ben proves he is the most wonderful man in the world by forcing the words “of course” out of his mouth.

Lace tells him that she needs to work on herself and is going to leave the show. Ben practically pushes her out the door.

Rose ceremony:

Lauren B., Amber, and Jubliee already have roses. The rest go to:

Lauren H.  the Kindergarten Teacher

Amanda the Mom

Becca

Hailey, Twin #2 aka Karen Smith

Emily, Twin #1

Rachel (?)

Caila

JoJo

Jennifer

Leah (?)

Olivia tNA aka Regina George

Going home are:

Jami aka Gretchen Weiners

Shushanna the Russian

Jami goes full on nutcase in her exit interview, but no one is surprised because WWGD (What Would Gretchen Do?).

In the teasers for next week, Ben says he’s taking the girls to Vegas, where “people go to find love.” LOL, Benny. We also get to see Olivia tNA losing her mind at some point, which should be good. I have a feeling that this season is only going to get better each week. See you next Monday!