I’m generally pretty A-OK with my weight. Keep that in mind as you read on, just so you don’t think this is an uncomfortable self-hate post or anything.

From my perspective, gaining and losing lbs is a straightforward mathematical game, as you may remember from a certain blogpost I wrote last year (Re: Weight Loss Solutions and Other Answers You Don’t Want to Hear). Although the general idea of “eat less, move more” is simple, let me tell you what is not simple: Putting down the fork halfway through eating Havana’s shrimp and chicken curry dish. Or continuing to run on the elliptical when breathing feels like a distant memory and your shoes keep putting pressure on your ingrown toe nail, but you’re too poor to buy new shoes or get a pedicure.

As I prepare for my upcoming nuptials, I’ve forgotten Rule #1 of Brides 101: Get as skinny as you possibly can so that you don’t have fat arms in pictures– pictures that will likely hang on the walls of your great great great granddaughter, who may or may not be living in a space station, because we all know Zenon Girl of the 21st Century was a prophecy not to be taken lightly. It may not happen by 2049, but the odds of your wedding photos ending up in space are high to definite.

zenon

But here’s the thing:

Not eating makes me

  • Impatient
  • Tired
  • Anxious

Planning a wedding in only 4 months—while fun—makes me

  • Impatient
  • Tired
  • Anxious

If I added those two things together, I’d be

  • Really impatient
  • Really tired
  • Really anxious
  • Single, because no one wants to marry a nightmare

Therefore, instead of bestowing upon you weight loss tips from a wafe-like bride with delicate wrists and admirable triceps, I am happy to share with you 7 tips on how to definitely not lose weight from a bride that looks slightly worse than she did 6 months ago:

  1. Order a milkshake whenever you can

I literally can’t even remember the last time I had a milkshake before I got engaged. Now, I have an average of one a week. My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, including Aaron, I guess.

  1. Two words: Taco Bell

I hate Taco Bell and it’s gross. I didn’t eat there for nearly 15 years. Now, I enjoy a 7-Layer Burrito as a common afternoon snack. It’s disgusting and I can’t stop.

  1. Eat the same portions as your significant other

Obviously, if a 180lb athletic man can eat an entire jar of spaghetti meat sauce without consequences, so can I. Who cares if I only weigh 135lbs and my “muscles” come in the form of cheese and vino? Metabolisms aren’t a real thing.

  1. Drink up

Speaking of vino, I haven’t cut back. Also, if you’re “trying to lose weight for your wedding,” why not sample heavy ales for the first time? I rarely drank beer before now, but this seemed like the perfect time to start…

  1. Always have seconds

Because one giant square of lasagna just isn’t enough for the modern bride.

  1. Add condiments to everything

My sandwiches used to consist of turkey, provolone, and some mustard. Now, I find myself inadvertently asking for [light] mayonnaise. “Mayonnaise” is the most unappealing word ever invented, but it keeps slipping out of my mouth without warning when I’m at Jimmy John’s. Also, since when do I go to Jimmy John’s?

  1. Work out twice a week

Working out twice a week is just enough to convince yourself that you haven’t lost all hope, but also won’t make a difference in your body at all. It’s the perfect way to keep fooling yourself.

cheese fries

May we all be fat and happy together.