Attention, everyone! I believe Spring* has arrived! That’s right, the eagle has landed. I repeat, the eagle has landed.
[Knocks on wood.]
I’m not sure how long the sunny and 60s weather plans on staying, but if we play hard to get [see last week’s blog post], maybe it’ll stick around for a while. I’m not very good at playing it hard to get, though, so I’ll probably wear pastel chiffon every day and roll down my windows at every opportunity. You can blame me if Spring ends up running the other direction and ghosting us all because it’s too overwhelmed by my love. #life
Since the birth of Generation grannY last January, I’ve written about every season except for spring. (See Never/Always: Winter Edition, The 3 Stages of Summer for the Average White Girl, and Being Basic: 3 Realizations During Fall.) The time has come to give Spring the attention it deserves—but not too much, obviously. Although she (Spring is definitely a “she”) has seemingly touched down, she doesn’t formally arrive until 3/20/15, so let’s talk about how to prepare for her grand entrance.
1. Wash your black tights
I know most of you don’t wash your smelly, kind-of-damp black tights very often in the winter because you’re sticking them in boots anyway, so who cares? First of all, you’re gross. Second, once Spring arrives, it’s time to put those nasty black tights back into hibernation where they belong: the deepest, darkest corner of the bottom drawer of your dresser. You’ll want to wash them before doing so, though, or else you’ll really regret it come November. Trust me. Also trust me when I say that if you wear black tights post-March, you will be labeled a) depressing, b) dumpy, and c) dramatic. A Triple D. Nobody wants to be a Triple D. That just sounds painful. Wait, what am I talking about? Tights. Right.
2. Start weaning yourself off of Netflix
I know you and Netflix got real close during winter, but all good things must come to an end. Shhhh, it’ll be okay. There, there. I’m not saying to quit cold turkey, but try one or two episodes at a time. Pull a Nancy Reagan and Just Say No to binge-watching. As with saying goodbye to any unhealthy, addicting relationship, you’ll need to fill your time with other things. Suggestions: the gym, friends, and liquor drinks new hobbies. If you slow fade Netflix, you will be thanking me BIG time by the end of Spring when you’ve A) prepared yourself to wear shorts without scaring off potential suitors and small children; B) raised your social tolerance for when evening engagements pick up due to warm weather and rooftops; and C) participated in some new activity that gave you a personality again. Netflix has stolen your soul. Time to get it back. Spring into action! (See what I did there?)
3. Get a pedicure
I don’t even want to know how low your grooming standards have fallen by this point, but sometime before 3/20/15, do yourself and the world a favor and get a pedicure, pick up some new razor blades, and apply Aveeno generously. You can’t hide beneath jeggings, Toms, and lightweight peasant blouses forever. Eventually, you’ll need to expose those stubby appendages attached to your feet in happy, spring sandals, paired with a maxi dress that potentially unveils your calf when you cross your legs on a bar stool– so go ahead and get everything taken care of while there’s still time.
Remember: Only five days until Spring reveals herself in an official capacity! Here’s to planning, people!
*For you grammar freaks out there, I purposefully capitalized “Spring” due to a little thing called personification. I know it probably bothered some of you throughout the post since seasons are not supposed to be capitalized, but have a little faith, will you? I know how the English language works.