You are standing in front of two doors.
Behind Door #1 is a room full of men.
Behind Door #2 is a room full of women.
Hands down, dingdingding we have a winner- it’s a landslide, folks- I’m choosing Door #2.
I don’t understand men and I never will. Are they annoyed or just cocky? Are they calculating sports stats in their heads or actually listening to me? Do they want to have stimulating conversation or just look at my boobs? Both? Is my humor lost on them because they don’t understand that 98% of what I’m saying is sarcastic and/or exaggerated for effect? [Oliver Rule #1: If it’s not worth exaggerating, it’s not worth telling.]
Put me in a room full of girls and I am good to go. I don’t care how stuck-up, strange, or
basic typical these señoritas may be, I know I can win them over by finding some sort of common ground and running with it. Watch and learn:
- You went to private school and shampoo twice and only wear heels in the office? Ohmygosh tell me about it, but at least we have wine and Target am I right??
- You are an oversharer with boyfriend issues? Girl, men are from Mars. Spill.
- You are intellectual and deep? How can the magnitude of each person’s personal universe exist so congruently with each person’s insignificance in the greater universe?
Some of my girlfriends, albeit wonderful, are the exact opposite. They tell me that they feel far more comfortable surrounded by “simple” men than “complex” women. To each her own.
So, besides gravitating towards Door #1 or Door #2, what are the tell-tale differentiators between a girl’s girl and a guy’s girl? Glad you asked, because I created this completely arbitrary scientific side-by-side comparison cheat sheet:
*Note: This cheat sheet may prove difficult for the color blind. Sorry for the unintentional discrimination.
- I can’t decide which girlfriends will be bridesmaids in my future wedding because it feels like I can only choose 2 or 16. Nothing in between.
- Fur vests are cute and trendy.
- I will never be in a relationship because I care too much.
- My dad is an anomaly of the male species.
- Flirting is fun, but can get tiring.
- I like to chat with my friends at parties.
- I love hugging.
- Guys make me nervous because I don’t really know what they’re thinking.
- I would rather overanalyze than misinterpret.
- Involving people in my decisions will help me to avoid mistakes.
- Taylor Swift songs are catchy and relatable.
- Everything I read on Generation grannY speaks to me.
- I have spent 0% of my time thinking about my future wedding.
- Fur vests seem like something only glamorous ice princesses or hard core hunters should wear.
- I will never be in a relationship because I don’t care enough.
- My dad is just a dude. A great dude, but a dude.
- Flirting and talking are the exact same thing.
- I can’t commit to any one conversation at a party for longer than five minutes.
- Happy to hug when hugged.
- Girls make me nervous because I know exactly what they’re thinking.
- I would rather misinterpret than overanalyze.
- If I make the wrong decision, I’ll try something else next time.
- Taylor Swift songs are catchy.
- Most of Generation grannY makes no sense but I find it amusing anyway.