What people choose to spend their hard-earned money on is really telling of their personalities and priorities. If someone is willing to shell out substantial cash for the iPhone 782 6, but won’t buy two-ply toilet paper, I have some real questions about his or her significance in my life. Which leads me to today’s Never/Always topic:

11 Things on which I’ll ALWAYS Splurge

11 Things on which I’ll NEVER Splurge

These lists are not meant to be agreed upon by all, by the way. But if you’re not willing to splurge on martinis, you may not want to share that information with anyone. It’ll make you look undignified.

ALWAYS:

1. Guac. There’s a good chance that guac will end up on 50% of my Never/Always lists. Whether the extra $3 at Chipotle or $24 for a family-sized appy at Dos Caminos, count me in.

2. Starbucks. We all have a shameful indulgence. Mine is a $4.29 tall soy chai latte. Every single day. That is $30.03/week, $132.99/month, and $1,565.85/year. Um. I shouldn’t have done that math. I definitely should NOT have done that math.

3. Heels/boots. My version of splurging on shoes is probably still pretty cheap in the eyes of most women, but I’d rather buy a $200 pair of hunter boots or a $100 pair of basic pumps than get a $40 pair that fall apart after one aggressive night in NYC Georgetown Clarendon. Sandals, though? What’s up, Target.

4. Martini liquor. A basic gin and tonic at the local Irish pub? House gin, please. A before[√]during[√]after[√] dinner gin martini slightly dirty with extra olives (preferably bleu cheese-stuffed)? The good stuff, please. I don’t have time to brace myself for fiery pine needles before every swallow.

martini

5. Self-tanner. If I’m forced to wear a strapless dress in a winter wedding or need to prepare for a tropical Christmas vacation, I have no qualms with loading up on Jergen’s Natural Glow. It’s about $10 more than it should be, but I’m not trying to scare off wedding guests or tourists with my pastiness.

6. Shampoo/Conditioner. Pantene Pro-V really does make your hair look like the commercials. Same with Bioceutica, but I’m only fancy enough to use the latter because a family member sends me excellent gift baskets.

7. Airport water bottles. They know that no matter how high they jack the price, everyone is forced to buy water only after they make it through strip searches security. It’s so maddening. I mean, a small price to pay for safety- yes, but charging more than $3 for a bottle of water is outrageous. And still I give in.

8. Work clothes. Business casual style doesn’t change rapidly like the fringe or crop top craze, so I’m going to get myself some double-stretch fancy pants from Banana Republic instead of the wannabes from New York & Co. Again, I know my idea of splurging is probably lame compared to most, but keep in mind that I’m a granny who gives zero flips about name brands.

9. Medicine. Name brands might not be important in my clothing choices, but I’m not getting some generic cold medicine that might not do its job. Ain’t nobody got time for Ebola.

10. Brand new books. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

11. Victoria’s Secret. 5 for $25? Couldn’t pass it up if I tried. Which may be why I have about 175 pairs of underwear.

NEVER:

1. Apps. With all the free apps out there, why would I ever buy something? I also don’t use apps, so this is probably a silly thing to include on this list.

2. Make-up. I know a lot of girls like their Mac or Bare Minerals or all the fancy stuff from Sephora, but take me to the make-up aisle at CVS and I’m good to go. Maybe this is why all my girlfriends look like supermodels when we go out and I’m the bumbling sidekick. I don’t know.

3. Jewelry. I have some gorgeous pieces of pricey jewelry (again, thanks to family members), but statement necklaces and every day earrings are all courtesy of Target and Forever Love. They’re going to break or get lost anyway.

4. Plane seat upgrades. The concept of first class is nice and all, but at the end of the day, I’m still sitting next to strangers and trying not to get caught reading over their shoulders.

5. Sunglasses. Only the most responsible people in the world should buy nice sunglasses.

6. Wine. You might be shocked that wine is on this list. The thing is, even though wine is my best friend, lover, and soulmate all rolled into one, I can find an awesome bottle for $8 or less, so I’m not going to buy a $40 vintage off the shelf. Also, when I want the really nice stuff, I can just turn on the puppy eyes when my dad takes me to dinner. #perksofstillbeingsingle

7. Cable. I survived living by myself for a year with nothing but Hulu. Not even Hulu Plus. Somehow, I managed to get by without talking to myself often or anything weird like that.

self five

8. A fancy car. The amount I care about cars is even less than my interest in Kim Kardashian’s latest selfie.

9. Cool-kid gym memberships. Expensive cardio machines with personal TVs attached to the front actually make me dizzy. I need to be able to look out at the sea of lunks on machines while I’m getting my cardio on, so high class gyms have no appeal, as they only house ellipticals with TVs five inches from my face.

10. Real plants. Decorative plants are beautiful and maybe someday I’ll graduate to a new level of home décor maturity, but I’m just not ready for that kind of commitment.

11. Electronics. I don’t know if you guys see a trend, but I don’t do gadgets. At the current rate, they all become old news within like, three months anyway.

 

I feel like you just learned a lot about me. My splurge tendencies exposed more than I wanted them to, so let this be a lesson to make wise choices, everyone.