The time has come for the second edition of my Never/Always series. Go ahead- find out if you’re braver than me. I never claimed to be a Gryffindor. I know who I am, and it’s a Hufflepuff. I’m okay with that. At least I’ll never fear being myself (which is also why I have no shame in opening this blog post with a Harry Potter reference).

11 Things I’ll NEVER Fear

11 Things I’ll ALWAYS Fear

I think I’ll switch things up and start with ALWAYS this time around.

ALWAYS:

1. Sharks. How people get in the ocean without the sinking feeling (no pun intended) that Jaws is stalking their feeble little legs is beyond me. I should point out that this is coming from a girl who was bit by a dolphin. If a shark is in the vicinity, I think we all know who doesn’t have aqua-luck on her side.

shark

2. Taco Bell. Meat or cockroach remains? We’ll never know.

3. Sending an email to the wrong person. Almost every time after I hit send, I have a twelve second panic attack until I hastily check my Sent box to see if I just forwarded that inappropriate Buzzfeed article to my roommate or to my grandmother.

4. Smelling bad. I have perfected the art of smelling myself without anyone noticing. I just need to get a reallyyyy close look at my belt buckle, that’s all.

5. Roller coasters that suspend at the top. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked God for forgiveness at the top of the Griffon at Busch Gardens. The only reason I ever went on it is because I worked there and I felt obligated to accompany my friends who sat through listening to me sing “That’s Amore” in white tights and a petticoat.

rollercoaster

6. Windows with no blinds at night. There is absolutely someone watching me on the other side, planning when and how they will kidnap me.

7. A bodily function occurring at inopportune times. First kiss. Staff meeting. Church. What if I make a sharp movement and something goes terribly wrong?

8. A dog not liking me. Every time I meet someone’s dog, I get so scared that it’ll back away from me like I’m a demonic figure, and then my friend/date/whoever will think I’m secretly an evil human.

9. Fruit garnishes. You guys do know how many hands have touched those, right?

10. Putting trash in the dumpster. I partake in the dump and run technique so that I can avoid the raccoon that is probably waiting to pounce on my face.

11. My reflection on Saturday morning. Yeesh.

NEVER:

1. Stale water that gathers bacteria. If I wake up in the middle of the night after a wine binge and the only water next to my bed is in a glass that’s been sitting there untouched for five nights, I rationalize by telling myself that children in Africa would be thrilled for such clean water and proceed to gulp it down.

2. Taking advantage of my pedestrian rights. Maybe it’s because I lived in NYC, but I just glare at whatever car is speeding towards me as I cross the crosswalk and assume my intimidating demeanor will stop them from taking me out.

gliding

3. Public speaking. I know this is one of the most widespread fears out there, but I was blessed/cursed with barely noticing the difference between speaking to a crowd of 500 vs. my best friend on my couch.

4. Haunted houses. I am not talking about haunted houses during Halloween where high school drama kids wear their favorite masks and jump out at you. Those things terrify me. I mean haunted houses that supposedly harbor real ghosts. I don’t think any ghost out there holds anything against me, so I’m not that worried.

5. Garlic. I feel so bad for people who are scared of getting garlic breath. Live a little.

6. Death by chocolate. I’m so clever.

7. Beer before liquor. “Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.” Yeah, or maybe just try the age old technique of knowing your limits.

8. Balloons or feet. Because I’m not irrational.

9. Clowns. Why are they scary? Tell me why. I know so many grown adults who lose all composure at the sight of a clown. All I can do is sit and judge you for being scared of a plastic doll or an enthusiastic man in face paint.

clown2

10. Commitment. I happen to have a heart.

11. FOMO. Fear Of Missing Out. Nope. Don’t have it. You guys have fun doing your thing while I take my nap. #granny