OMG everybody grab your Modlash 33s, Jergens Natural Glow, and favorite pair of nude pumps. It’s Miss America week!
Honestly, how has no one come up with an awesome way to make a hit reality show out of Miss America? For years, TLC, ABC, or whatever network Miss America ping pongs onto has tried and failed to come up with an entertaining way to promote the pageant with a four-episode series leading up to the big shabang. THIS SHOULD BE EASY. My personal idea is to have former Miss Americas/Miss States do something of a Drunk History (<–click), where they crack open a bottle or three of wine and tell stories from their glory days, with professional reenactments coinciding with their narrations. I personally know plentyyyy of formers who would happily partake in a clean-ish version. Somebody please forward this idea onto ABC execs. If they can convince Comedy Central to let them do this spin off, I guarantee it’d get huge ratings…plus it’d be a much needed departure from pageant reality shows revolving around the dried up stereotype of catty crown chasers or scary little girls with veneers.
Stop clutching your pearls. You know it’d be hilarious.
But since we’re currently stuck with no form of entertainment surrounding the pageant except for updates on the Miss America Facebook page, I’ll go ahead and use the small amount of information I have to give you my prediction of this year’s Top 10 (Miss America airs on Sunday, 9/14, at 9 p.m. EST).
Not to brag about my amazing talents, but I can say all the states in alphabetical order in one breath, which came in handy when making this list. Keep your eyes peeled for these chicas:
1. Miss Alabama, Caitlin Brunell
Any guys out there recognize her last name? Do any guys read my blog? Dad? *crickets* Caitlin’s dad is former NFL quarterback, Mark Brunell. What does that have to do with her chances at Miss America? Well, besides the fact that she’s been raised to be well-groomed and educated, not that much. Still, it’s worth mentioning since we all need a little sports news in our lives other than the Ray Rice scandal. But back to Caitlin. I’ve seen this girl in person and she’s pretty darn breathtaking on stage. I also love the fact that her talent is dancing to Frozen’s “Let it Go.” She clearly knows that the only people watching Miss America are gay men and little girls in tiaras. KIDDING. Kind of. In all seriousness, everyone I’ve talked to says she’s a sweetheart and incredibly personable. Add in the fact that she has legs for days and a long-standing personal platform (<–click), I think we’ve got ourselves a finalist. Plus she’s a Phi Mu! LIOB <3
2. Miss Connecticut, Acacia Courtney
I’m not going to pretend that I’m not slightly biased, considering I lived with Acacia (uh-kay-shuh) for a week when we were roommates at Miss New York 2012 (she goes to school in NYC, but lives in CT, which makes her eligible in both states- for all of you with confused looks on your faces right now). Speaking from personal experience with helping her change in our hotel room, this girl’s swimsuit body is on POINT. Inappropriate? Sorry? While we’re on her looks, I should mention that she is the girl targeted in One Direction’s hit “What Makes You Beautiful” and Sammy Kershaw’s tune “She Don’t Know She’s Beautiful.” Pick your genre. And age. See flow chart. What I’m saying is that Acacia happens to be an amazon goddess, yet somehow remains the most humble and loving creature on the planet. It’s almost unfair. On top of that, she’s a brilliant speaker and a trained ballerina princess. I expect her to be a top contender.
CLICK CHART TO ENGLARGE
3. Miss Florida, Victoria Cowen
Let me catch you up to speed. A gorgeous girl by the name of Elizabeth Fechtel was crowned Miss Florida a few months ago. One week later, officials announced that they’d crowned the wrong girl. Gasp! Victoria was the rightful queen and took her place upon the throne. Elizabeth was stripped of her title and sent back to work in the fields among the peasants. Wait, sorry, that was a bit dramatic. Elizabeth graciously stepped down (the dethroned Miss DE could’ve learned a thing or two from her…just trying to help you out, girl) and Victoria assumed the responsibilities of Miss Florida 2014. I don’t know much about Victoria, but trustworthy sources say that Elizabeth is a pageant force like no other. If Tori (Facebook indicates that’s what Victoria likes to be called…not even sorry for being creepy) finished above Elizabeth, something tells me she’s one to watch. I also see her hugging my girl Miss New York in a lot of pictures, so I consider us friends by association.
4. Miss Georgia, Maggie Bridges
You guys. I have such a girl crush. It all started when I saw her take part in Pageant World’s play on Jimmy Kimmel’s segment called “Mean Tweets.” During Mean Tweets, Jimmy Kimmel has celebrities read aloud the mean things that people tweet about them. Pageant World’s version had pageant girls read mean things that people wrote about them on anonymous message boards (Voy boards). I’m SO MAD I didn’t think of that idea before Pageant World, because it really is brilliant. What better way to make those cyber bullies feel like idiots? Anyways, Maggie was in the video, so I already know she has an awesome sense of humor and is super confident. Check and check. She also really stood out in a video I watched of all the contestants introducing themselves on stage during their arrival ceremony in Atlantic City last week. In an effort to be well-informed while creating this list for you all, yes, I spent 20 minutes of my life watching a video of all 53 girls saying their names into a microphone. You’re welcome. A lot can be determined about a person’s presence in a simple introduction, so I expect great things in the interview room. Oh, by the way, Maggie studies business and biochemistry. SOLD.
5. Miss Iowa, Aly Olson
Usually, the down-home state of Iowa doesn’t get much attention in the good ole U.S. of A. But lately, it’s been shining bright like a diamond. I mean, hello, Farmer Chris is even from Iowa. Oh, you don’t know who Farmer Chris is? Read this (<–click). I like Aly because she seems really natural, well-spoken, and legitimately talented. I’ve watched a few interviews of her on local T.V. stations and she always seems laid back and authentic. She also has this indescribable spark in her eye that tells me she’s in this thing to win it. I’ve always been told that no girl wins Miss America unless she truly believes it’s hers to lose, and something tells me this ginger is expecting big things from herself. I like that. You go, gingey!
6. Miss Louisiana, Lacey Sanchez
Not to be shallow, but Pantene Pro V needs to call this girl STAT and use her locks in a whimsical commercial. Obviously, good hair isn’t the key to winning Miss America, but it sure won’t hurt. Lacey has big hair for being such a little nugget, though her lack of height seems to have helped her in preparing for swimsuit, because it’s pretty clear she couldn’t reach the cookies on the top shelf. I want her arms. She won both the fitness and talent portions of the Miss Louisiana pageant, so I expect a solid performance across the board. Speaking of the board, the Voy board has torn this girl apart for her eyebrows. Let that sink in. Random people across the nation are sitting behind their computers and critiquing a stranger’s eyebrows with such passion that you’d think Lacey’s last name was Peterson. Just for that, I hope this girl makes the cut at Miss America so that all of the eyebrow activists across our great nation can be defeated.
7. Miss Mississippi, Jasmine Murray
Back when American Idol was still relevant (btw, Carrie Underwood is pregnant!!), Jasmine was a finalist on the season with Adam Lambert. I think she was like, 12, at the time because that feels like forever ago, yet somehow she is still eligible to be Miss America. Nonetheless, this beauty sure knows how to capture the attention of a panel of judges. Obviously, she can sing- plus she’s abnormally gorgeous. I’ll be honest in that it’s hard to gather much about her personality from videos I’ve seen, but I just get this hunch that the judges will be captivated by her. Anyone who’s read my blog knows that Professor Trelawney and I have a lot in common, so I think it’s safe to trust in my divine instincts. Or is it..?
8. Miss New York, Kira Kazantsev
Accurately described by my peeps in New York as a unicorn, Kira is a rare and mystical being. She’s that untouchable girl who dresses like every day is a stroll down the runway at NYFW, but then talks to you like you’re best friends and makes you forget that she’s wearing skin tight red metallic pants. How she simultaneously completed three majors, got into law school, and owned NYC’s social scene like her name was Olivia Polermo is beyond me. Impressive doesn’t really cover it. Kira is cool yet vibrant, edgy yet chic, and relatable yet brilliant. It’s funny to see pageant fussbudgets freak out over her clothing choices, because she dresses like a true fashion girl should- fearlessly, unapologetically, and en trend. Think Carrie Bradshaw. If the judges are looking for a Miss America who can hang with celebs on the red carpet, then turn around and talk to politicians and news anchors without missing a beat, Kira’s your girl. Her talent is totally unprecedented- she channels Anna Kendrick and uses a solo cup for percussion as she sings. Her interview is a knock out- the girl exudes pure intelligence. Her body is sick- she walks in her swimsuit onstage like it’s a completely normal activity. Call me biased since, like CT, I know Kira personally, but I’ll be shocked if the judges don’t fall in love.
9. Oklahoma, Alex Eppler
As people say in the pageant world, it’s Oklahoma. There’s something in the water down there. Miss Oklahoma always shows up at Miss America ready to win. Alex is statuesque, mature, and incredibly well put together. I know that description doesn’t sound wildly exciting after my fan girl report of Miss New York, but trust me- it’s something to be commended. I can see this girl sitting on the Miss America throne of the 1950s as a timeless beauty who oozes class. She seems like an old soul, which might be the ticket to standing out among a group of energetic, overly enthusiastic coeds.
10. Miss Virginia, Courtney Garrett
I haven’t spent much time with Courtney, but we competed together years ago at Miss Virginia (her first year and my last in VA). I remember standing behind her in swimsuit and marveling at the force field surrounding her body that defied the laws of gravity. Unfortunately, I was not so lucky to have such a force field holding up my derriere, so marching onto the stage in her tracks wasn’t my favorite moment. Courtney is more than just a walking mystery of physics, though. Her brother has cerebral palsy, so Courtney is an incredible activist and spokesperson for people with physical disabilities. Nothing she does feels exploitative for her personal gain, which can often be the case with pageant platforms (not trying to put anyone down…but we can all admit when a hospital photo seems contrived). With a heart of gold and consistency in all areas of competition, she’ll probably be the judges pick for the All-American sweetheart.
Hope everyone tunes in this Sunday night to see how well my list holds up! Happy pageanting.