Hello and welcome to the imposter show- as an anonymous superfan reader steps out of the shadows to recap the Bachelor. Hoping this works something line Who’s Line where it’s all made up and the points don’t matter? Somewhere, ShannytheGranny and her big shoes drift on the high seas eating pancakes shaped like Elsa’s braid.

I consider it a great honor to invoke the powers of my stolen Hulu password to recap the sacred Monday night ritual that is the Bachelor: an inspirational snapshot of American dating culture – where the gift of a thorny red flower last week, means you’re probably getting horny quality time this week.

As we enter the highly anticipated fantasy suites episode, my prayer is simple. ‘Lord, gird Colton’s loins’ and ‘I hope my mom doesn’t ever read this’. I feel this is more or less what they meant by doing the Lord’s work.

What an episode, folks. (Wasn’t this supposed to just be make outs and Eurotripping??) I plan to book my therapist for a two hour block next week so I can sort out some of both my and Colton’s issues. Hint: He has more.

We begin the episode with a compilation of makeouts shot entirely from aerial views and immediately I’m thinking it’s only going down from here. Colton reaffirms approximately 729467 times that he is, indeed, ready to take that ‘next step’ except I still can’t figure out if he means he’s taking one step or three. Either way I’m buckling up, strapping in for the ride and hoping for a triple whammy.


With barely enough time to let his tears dry after Caelynn’s departure, Colton sits down with Chris Harrison to discuss the week and all of America wishes he would wipe that massive, dopey grin off his face. We get it. It’s time for fantasy suites. Please get us out of the 8th grade locker room. Colton gives us some sound advice about what it means to have sex – speaking strictly from all the times he’s watched the Notebook, and reunites with the remaining women with the super gross fantasy suite perma-grin still on his face.

Shakespeare Colton recites a sonnet about a place where the ‘mountains meet the oceans’ and it becomes clear he just finished a quick Google search before this scene when the Producers told him where they’re going. Destination? Algarve, Portugal – which Colton pronounces like my cousin when he fills his mouth with cheese puffs from Costco.  The group – who aren’t even sure where Portugal is on a map- raise a glass to making memories in ‘Algar… huh?’ and after a super awkward group hug, they’re off.

Colton arrives in Portugal with only a small leather messenger bag he bought at Target. He travels light! I also appreciate that he took the opportunity of his first trip to Europe to test drive the button down he picked up at a Navajo gift shop.

Tayshia comes in hot – literally – as she leaps into Colton’s arms. The next time I have a big date coming up, I’m going to start it by testing the flexibility of my skinny jeans. Thanks Tayshia.

And just like that – Colton * surprises * her by arranging.. wait for it.. YES, we are actually seeing them prepare for another date in an aviation vehicle. Either last week’s hometown date was just SO intimate and romantic he felt he had to double down, or he was hoping the noise & headphones would alleviate at least one hour of pained, awkward conversation between them. We learn about Portugal’s economy, the produce they export, and are reminded through olive oil innuendos that Colton too, is extra extra virgin.

Deep chats continue on the Portuguese Cliffside as the conversation segues from local economy to topics I didn’t note because I fell asleep. By makeout #7 we have affirmed that all party members are ready to take ‘the next step’ except they’re still on a cliff so I’m hoping they don’t step anywhere. With the second appearance of the ‘fence jump’ (I’m keeping count) ABC promises us that it definitely gets more exciting from here if we can just hang on through Tayshia and Colton’s dinner.

By dinnertime, it’s game on. Tayshia knows what she came here for. And chooses a dinner outfit that will remind Colton of her fertility between every finger licking course.

To spice up an otherwise highly average night Tayshia strategically arranges a nip slip to keep Colton’s interest. It may be his- but it’s not her first rodeo. Colton tries to regain composure and talk about her family after just having seen the goods. He may not abandon this date after all. Tayshia opens up about her ex husband cheating on her and handles it with grace and poise- you go Glen Co Co. We love her again and simultaneously realize she’s the most mature person in Portugal.

The fantasy suite date card arrives which was either written by an intern or Chris Harrison has a very unexpected affinity for bubble letters. As they head into the suite, the score of Beethoven’s least known symphony blares loudly as they feed each other chocolate mouse and talk about how foamy the bath bubbles are. At this point we’re all wishing this scene would just please end – and then our wish is granted with a symbolic exploding of the champagne bottle we really wish we could unsee. The French horn section of the symphony ramps up and Colton closes the door. Thank God. Now I can Google chocolate mouse recipes.

Colton wakes up “tired as hell’ though appears like he’s gotten the best sleep of his life. They touch hands in a sea of white blankets and we quickly realize that was the extent of the touching.

Tayshia fights through a pained smile to describe the fantasy suite date as  ‘interesting’ which is code for ‘I’ve had better nights with PS I Love You and a box of oreos’. Despite the ultimate letdown both Tayshia and Colton reaffirm their burning feelings except all I can think about is where I can get a pair of those glitter jammies. Colton’s interview recap includes phrases like, “I was ready”, and also “I wasn’t ready” but did not include “nip slip”.

Now it’s Cassie’s turn and the producers are hoping we’ve stuck around this long because Fence Jump appearance #3 promises it’s about to get juicy. Colton is sporting another selection from American Eagle 2007 and very safely drives Cassie through the streets of Portugal looking fresh out of Driver’s Ed with 17 cars tailing him. They discuss hometowns and Colton keeps his pinky up as he toasts with Cassie because he learned something valuable in his Alabama etiquette class. At a gift shop, we are reminded there are few things more romantic than placing a stuffed octopus on your girlfriend’s head.

Sparks are flying in every direction as Cassie and Colton jump into a dancing circle of elderly Europeans. Even the 80 year old squeezing him can’t keep Colton from ogling at Cassie. We quickly realize she is crushing the game right now and we haven’t even gotten to dinner or nip slips. Cassie tells us that with Colton there are ‘no red flags’ exceppppppt for the fact that she’s just not that into him. Yellow flag??? Colton chooses the opportune moment where Cassie is on the edge of a cliff to tell her that during hometowns her father withheld his marriage blessing.  

Cassie’s face is a combination of:

-OH SHIT.

Taylor Swift.

-IS IT TOO LATE TO JUMP OFF THIS CLIFF?

Church bells clanging loudly throughout this entire excruciating scene are causing an ABC producer to dance somewhere in a corner.  What will Cassie do? She didn’t plan on owning up to not really liking Colton until at least arriving in destination she could pronounce.

Plot Twist- Cassie’s dad is miraculously in the same country before Cassie even has time to change outfits or wipe her mascara. It’s almost like the planned it!!!!!! Her dad rolls in to the sound of Darth Vader’s themesong and wearing the same cotton quarter-button tee I steal from my husband on the weekends.

In watching this scene where Cassie cries into her Dad’s shoulder about marrying a man she met on a dating reality show (just bringing us all back down to earth for a sec) I am thinking of a few things. 1) That I definitely should have listened to my dad more in high school when he told me my theatre boyfriend was probably not into women and 2) WOW How has Cassie has been crying for 4 hours without her makeup running. The scene wraps with Cassie reminding all of America that she has perfected the pretty girl pouty face.

Stakes are high as we head into the evening and Cassie knows what she has to do. My thought – If you’re gonna throw a grenade on a fantasy suite date, at least still give Colton the courtesy of wearing a bodycon sparkle dress. #gogirl. Colton lights candles to prepare for the night he’ll bang his true love and … is that an instrumental Elton John song playing??? Cassie arrives and immediately opts for a makeout over conversation before dumping Colton because, that will probably make this better. As she begins to fumble over her words, I’m distracted by Colton’s cheeks which look larger than ever.

The conversation goes something like this.

“Today as was perfect”

“Yeah”  

“I want to be in love with you but I’m just not”

“Yeah”

“Like.. I love you.. but I’m not in love. You know what I mean?”

Actual reenactment of Colton’s face.

Colton’s instant stinky face indicates he DEFINITELY understands what she means. Somewhere in the background, the candles snuff out on their own. Colton asks through a muffled hand if she’s planning on leaving and, again opting for an alternative to words, she replies with the same sound my cat makes when I roll over on her at night.

The true gentleman that he is, Colton hugs Cassie. I mean, he wanted to at least FEEL the sparkle mini dress if he wasn’t going to get her out of it. She cries more. After the seventh ‘I’m so confused’ it all becomes clear that this is a actually a promo for the ‘She’s Just Not That Into You” spinoff film debuting Fall 2019.

A bomb drops. Colton admits that he wants it to be Cassie at the finale episode, that he’s in love with her, and that he doesn’t care about either of the other two girls here the way he cares about her. Uhhhhh … should I reinstate my yoga class next Monday night?? I’ve been missing those and maybe Imma just walk out.

In a painful conversation of minimal words that feels like it lasts forever, Colton essentially affirms that he will never, ever walk away while Cassie politely wonders when she can leave. It almost seems as if Colton was so prepared to lose his virginity tonight that he is incapable of hearing rejection. Physically shaking life a leaf and as a last attempt, Colton tries telling Cassie he loves her in three different ways. That should do it.

This isn’t getting better. Cassie knows it, Colton knows it, even the PA eating potato chips in the corner knows it.  After our valiant soldier swears to fight until his dying day for Cassie – he gets her coat and walks her out. This scene still isn’t ending and after more pity makeouts under the stars and we’re starting to wonder where Colton’s acrobatics are and if there’s a fence we can jump over, too.

At long last, Cassie ends with the prolific and very mature breakup question “are you mad at me?” and we’re back at the Lowes Cinema after a post-makeout breakup like it’s 2002.

She leaves and shit turns into an all out episode of Seal Team 6 where the fourth wall doesn’t just break – it shatters into a thousand pieces as the sound of walky talkies prove that they didn’t run the ‘Colton Escapes’ scenario through in dress rehearsal. Whoops.

Ah, at long last, there it is. The fence jump. We’ve only seen it happen 5 times at this point but who doesn’t love a good display of athleticism. Colton’s leap reminds us that he WAS indeed an athlete once – even if he wasn’t very good.

Now Chris Harrison is running… no, SPRINTING -the most work he’s done on the show in two decades. This is a rare departure from his usual role of jet setting and counting flowers. ABC reports that he asked for a raise immediately following the episode.

And in a dramatic ending with no closure and a trashy tease to Women Tell All, there you have it. Colton is missing. Cassie is probably on her way to LAX, and Tayshia is still eating chocolate mouse in a bungalow. Oh, and I almost forgot about Hannah who got no airtime despite her cute crop top (you still alive girl?). America is left feeling emotionally distraught and wondering if they should tune in to the Women Tell All to at least learn of Colton’s whereabouts.

Until next time.