First of all let me state that I hate that my posts now have the cover photo at the top. Just ignore it. I’m not technically savvy enough to figure out how to get rid of it.

Onto Episode 5 (already!):

There is absolutely no way this many outdoor showers exist in the world. Colton is addicted to shirtless public showers, so a devoted production assistant must stand on a chair with a hose and hold it over his head while being cut out of the shot. Guaranteed.

If you were caught up in the wonderment of Colton’s armpit hair and didn’t notice the general asian jingle and flashes of gold statues, they are now in Thailand.

First one-on-one date card goes to Never Been Kissed! And I finally realized that she looks like Meredith Blake, AMIRITE??

Never Been Kissed is 100% legs and didn’t take my advice to share Cassie’s morning bagels, so she barely exists in her black one piece with jean shorts, but I must say her core is very strong because she hugged Colton, then slowly lifted the bottom half of her body to wrap her legs around his waist like some sort of gymnast monkey. Most girls need a running start for that move. Color me impressed.

NBK and Colton take a little boat on a spin, then hang out in a market, where they see some birds. Colton really wants to blow the birds a kiss. He asks NBK if she blows kisses even though she doesn’t kiss anyone. There are a couple different red flags about that question, if you ask me.

For a girl who has never kissed anyone, she did something with Colton that I don’t even do with my husband…and that is share an ice cream cone. Apparently swapping spit isn’t the issue! Does she share toothbrushes too?? I shudder.

We are #blessed with lots of close ups of Colton eating and talking to remind us that we’re to be focusing on what it would be like to kiss him. I don’t know about you, but this definitelyyyy makes me want to share a kiss:

That night, Colton wears a salmon pink shirt that he should’ve worn back in LA before he got sunburned.

NBK says she was in a relationship for eight months and they never kissed because it didn’t feel right. My good friend in college dated a guy for six months and they never kissed either. Here we are a decade later and he’s gay, and she’s been living with her girlfriend for four years!

Colton gives NBK the rose before setting things up for a kiss, which I thought was at least a nice gesture so she doesn’t feel like she got the rose just because she kissed him, even though I guarantee producers told him that she was DTK.

They walk out to a beach where fireworks make Colton jump out of his skin (he’s not a particularly brave fellow), and they start kissing. Been Kissed is very happy, so is Colton, and she’ll probably stick around until a week before hometowns.

Back at the house, Elyse has morphed into an early 19th century ghost, wearing a transparent white dress with her mysterious red hair piled behind her in a whimsical fashion.

She floats off to Colton’s room, feeling very unspirited for a spirit.

Elyse tells Colton that unless Chris Harrison gives her all the one-on-one dates from here on out, she needs to leave. She can’t accept a proposal after he’s been making out with other girls in the weeks leading up to it. This kind of self-respect is an unwelcome jolt back to reality for the average viewer. When watching The Bachelor, I want to live firmly in a universe where it’s okay for 25 best friends to share a boyfriend as he dumps them one by one until one of them gets to live happily every after.

Elyse disappears through the wall and returns to the afterlife, and Colton decides to make another selfie video to flush out his feelings. He does so while trying to get something out of his teeth using his tongue. Is this supposed to make the show feel less produced? Is there no cuter way?

He complains that Elyse’s departure reminds him that he’s always told “it’s not you, it’s me”…Colton actually you were the one to use that line on Tia, not the other way around. It’s on tape.

GROUP DATE:

  • Demi
  • Caelynn, Miss Carolina
  • Hannah B, Miss Alabama
  • Sydney
  • Tayshia
  • Kirpa
  • Onyeka
  • Nicole
  • Hannah G, Marsha Brady
  • Elyse, RIP

Either I forgot to write down what the date card said, or they never said it. I was two glasses deep so probably the former. Somehow my foggy brain DID pick up the fact that Cassie’s wasn’t the only name left off the date card (she gets the one-on-one). Editors accidentally forgot to include Katie’s name, which is probably a sign of her fate.

The date card probably said “Can you survive another week?” or something, because all the girls dig through their closet to find anything remotely similar to tan cargo pants. If they’re not lucky enough to have packed anything in that realm, they’re given a bulky pair by producers. A few girls wear their mass-distributed shirts as well, but fashion blogger Marsha Brady sacrifices one of the sweaters from a sponsor she doesn’t really like.

Colton wears a collared shirt open over a henley. Is that a thing?

The women look like they’ve already had a helluva day before even meeting Colton in the middle of the woods, as seen by their frizzy ponytails and windblown braids. DID THEY JUST ARRIVE AT FYRE FESTIVAL??

Sorry. Watched both documentaries. Also my coworker partied with Billy McFarland in college, FYI.

Anyway, Demi’s eyes come alive when Colton introduces the ladies to a clean-shaven 16-year-old from Thailand name “Joe” (is this the same “Joe” who does my nails?) who was– and I quote– “raised here in the jungle.”

Hannah Miss Alabama tells the camera she is the most ferocious beast in this jungle and I adamantly agree and applaud her self-awareness.

Like the beast she is, she pops larva into her mouth like she’s young Simba and I can see it’s tiny form create the slightest bulge in her otherwise washboard abs, highlighted by her body-hugging adventure tank.

Colton is impressed by her dedication to a well-balanced jungle meal (protein!), but admits that he threw his larva over his shoulder instead of actually eating it YOU ANIMAL.

Colton’s experience holding a snake is the EXACT same way I handle killing cockroaches. You do it, then as soon as it’s done, you run away and scream.

The girls are split into 3 teams, and they have one hour to go find a well-balanced jungle meal and water. Bring it back, impress “Joe”, and receive a pat on the back.

Hannah Miss Alabama, Demi, and Hannah Marsha Brady are on one team, so you know it’s going to be good. While Tayshia is busy pissing off her teammates by sneaking off into the woods with Colton to makeout (does lip count as protein? Because Colton almost bit hers off), Hannah Hannah & Demi take a quick trip into town to purchase burgers and sparkling wine- what I regularly refer to as God’s water, so definitely still within the rules.

After the other teams show Joe their protein-slugs and bamboo water, Demi exclaims “we found burgers and booze!!” then pops a bottle and feeds a burger to Colton. WELL PLAYED.

That night, the women put on their brightest-colored teensy dress, and all I can think about is if they got their shots before traveling overseas, because they are primed and ready for some bug bites.

Onyeka tells Colton that Elyse told her that Nicole told her that she is using the show as a way to escape Miami.

Yet again, Colton cares way more about this drama than I do. Luckily, Tayshia redeems womankind by standing up to Onyeka, telling her that she was actually present for this conversation, and Nicole said no such thing. TayTay then takes Nicole straight to the bar. That’s a friend.

Why didn’t Tayshia tell Colton, though? Maybe I’m asking too much.

Hannah Miss Alabama and Colton bond over preparation for the zombie apocalypse, so she gets the group date rose.

Next one-on-one: Cassie.

“Cassie, I’m looking for love deeper than the sea. – Colton”

Cassie and Colton are going to have sex one day. Mark my words. The entire day date was simply the two of them making their parents very uncomfortable in different locations. First, on a rickety boat. Then on an “private island” (COUGH*SANDBAR*COUGH). Then in the water. Then over there in the water. Then on this corner of the sandbar.

Colton literally squeezes her butt on camera. It’s…a lot.

That night, Cassie tells the camera that she and Colton are very different people, namely because she’s definitely not a virgin.

She tells Colton that she’s afraid of the backlash she’ll receive from friends and “her community” when she gets back home and they realize she dry humps on the first date.

But for now, she puts all her fears aside and hops into bed with Colton for some more of her non-virgin ways. They murmur that they feel like they’ve known each other forever…can we just cut to the end of the season already? To me it’s very clear she’s his #1. (NO SPOILERS PLEASE)

For the record, she’s a very nice, sweet girl. I like her a lot.

The rose ceremony cocktail party is just one big fight between Nicole and Onyeka, both who Colton has no interest in so I’m sitting her wondering why we’re supposed to care. They scream at each other so loudly that Colton can’t focus on his one-on-one time with Katie (poor Katie, really getting the shaft this episode), so he gets up to go see what all the ruckus is about. The girls continue their fight as if he’s not sitting right there, at which point he storms off into the night.

TO BE CONTINUED.

I would’ve liked a lot more of the outtake with Sydney trying to explain to Colton what the sexual innuendo “wack my weeds” means than dealing with all that Nicole & Onyeka mess.

Next week someone makes Demi cry, and she’s out for blood. I hope her mom taught her how to bury the body. (JK I’m sure her mom is v nice and never murdered anyone in or out of prison.)

We’re halfway there, folks!

PS- WHAT HAPPENED TO KIRPA’S CHIN?? Someone fill me in.