Wow guys. ABC has really upped the chaos of Bachelor premiers since I last recapped. Night one has always been hard enough to follow, and now Chris Harrison’s mom is hanging out with Katlyn and JoJo in Dallas aka “the big D” (??), meanwhile there’s a parking lot hot tub party (you heard me correctly) right outside the main studio for no apparent reason.

It took everything in my power to figure out a way to summarize the madness. I can’t promise I succeeded.

To quote Jason (you’ll always be my choice for Bachelor, J!) when introducing his viewing party like he was pumping up an audience for WWE, it was panderrrmonium! PANDERMONIUM, I tell you!

Did anyone else notice how many random words these Bachelor alums couldn’t spit out when they were entrusted with microphones on live television? They got real clammy. Someone get these folks need a stiff drink and three producers manipulating them into saying sassy sound bites. We can’t all be Chris Harrison.

Sprinkled in with the panderrrmonium of the five bajillion live viewing parties around the nation were clips of Colton in the shower (naturally) and intro videos of a few contestants. My brain felt a tad strained shifting focus from a guy wearing pink chubbies in line for the parking lot hot tub party to all of a sudden learning about a girl who teaches speech pathology, but luckily Game of Thrones really prepared me for following 30 storylines in a single episode.

The girls who were lucky enough to get hometown packages included a willowy chick who has never been kissed (one upper alert), a Miss Alabama USA whose mouth is Olivia 2.0, and an evil fairy who looks 13 and lives at home. If they weren’t all blonde, I would say it was quite the diverse group!

About an hour into the show, we are finally graced with Colton’s first contemplation shots. His opening line is “My name is Colton Underwood, and I never expected to be the Bachelor.”

LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

I bet you also never expected to find out the sky is blue.

When he finished walking around the gym without a shirt on and skipping rocks in a pond, Colton hopped in the shower for the fourth time that day and prepared to meet the ladies vying for his virginity heart.

First out of the limo: The evil fairy, named Demi. She tells him she hasn’t dated a virgin since she was 12 (anyone else get an icky feeling?), and that the color of her dress is not just yellow, it’s “banana yellow.” Okay, wow, thank you for that clarification. Colton smiled at her, or it could’ve just been him squinting because her massive amount of highlighter was blinding him. Unclear.

Then started rolling out the expected: A red head in royal blue, a blonde or two in ice blue, and an innocent school teacher wearing a daytime floral dress, who clearly had no idea the cut throat world she’d sign up for.

But you know what was unexpected? The sequins. Allllll the sequins. Not the classy matte sequins. No, we’re talking full on high school costume shop sequins, particularly of the purple assortment. I mean, the fact that at least 3 women stood in front of the mirror wearing a purple glitter dress and thought, “Yes, this is the dress I want to wear on national television” makes me wonder if I’m just getting old and critical, or if fashion is truly digressing. Someone please clarify.

What needs no clarification is the fact that producers had no problem finding one girl who was willing to wear a sloth costume. I’d like to say that this was the only “slow” bit in the whole premier, but we all know that would be a lie.

I didn’t come here to watch two randos get engaged at their house in Michigan, okay?? I came here to watch Colton get engaged to a girl and then learn everything about their post-show relationship from E! News Instagram posts! Come on now.

Should we talk about Catherine? Or should we talk about Catherine’s forehead?

I choose forehead.

Plastic surgery doesn’t make you look younger. It just makes you look like you had plastic surgery. As the emerging villain, however, Catherine’s lack of expression worked in her favor because it made the girl who confronted her actually believe what she was saying.

Why was she confronted, you ask? Because she stole Colton not once, not twice…nope, not three times. FOUR different times. Obviously the other girls loved that.

Word of advice: If you want to get back at a hot girl for stealing your man, don’t wear a snorkel and shout at him “You’re drowning in b****es!” Or do. Your call. Let me know how that goes.

Actually I’d go with Catherine’s move, which is to guilt him into choosing me by sharing custody of a dog. We all know the best way to force a guy to stay with you long after a relationship is healthy is by reminding him that he’ll never see the dog again.

The cocktail party was special. The sloth got drunk and climbed a tree. Miss North Carolina lost her inhibitions and control of her hair. Colton referred to her as “Miss Carolina,” which isn’t even a state, but I’m trying to not let that alarm me. Demi referred to her feline pets as “kitty cats” because she’s 7, and Colton accidentally revealed that his biceps are only for show because he could barely hoist a 110-pound-girl more than three inches off the ground during a dance lift.

The first impression rose goes to Hannah G, the waify girl who looks like a sibling in the Brady Bunch.

ROSE CEREMONY:

The following ladies receive roses:

Caelynn- Colton’s second favorite, aka Miss Carolina

Katie- Sexy-eyes, one of three girls to get a kiss (after Hannah G & Caelynn)

Alex B- Lost her voice, so she already had an advantage over the 20 girls who talk too much

Hannah B- Miss Alabama with Olivia’s Mouth 2.0

Onyeka- Snorkel girl

Caitlin

Annie

Kerpa

Heather

Alyse- Red head from Alaska

Tayisha- One of my faves

Courtney

Cassie- Another big contender, the speech pathologist

Demi with the Kitty Kats

Nina

Erika with the nuts

Sydney

Bri- AKA Lauren B the non-Aussie

Angelique

Tracy

Nicole

Catherine- And Catherine’s forehead

We said goodbye to:

Devin

Tahzjuan

Erin

Laura

Revian

Adrianne

The Sloth (Alex D)

I’m just waiting for the episode when Colton freaks out and jumps a 12 foot gate like the Incredible Hulk. Buckle up, kids, the cast is young, everybody’s sexually frustrated, and Chris Harrison officially can’t keep a straight face when saying his lines.

See you next Monday!