I thought this episode would be interesting when Rachel showed up in a cargo pants-inspired army green skirt, but alas, that was just to distract from the snoozefest that was her family introductions. Most of the time, the Bachelorette’s family flies to the proposal location to meet the final two, but since Rachel’s sister is 8 months pregnant and her father is way too important to be bothered with superfluous overseas travel, the final three all get to meet the fam in her hometown of Dallas, TX.

Rachel greets the three bros in their hotel suite, where they all admit that it’s dumb for them not to be separated after Hometowns like contestants in previous seasons. UGH I have to see her other boyfriends’ faces after I just introduced her to my family? I agree that’s not ideal.

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Peter is up first, which means Eric and Bryan are required to spend five minutes bashing him once he leaves the room with Rachel. They say that he’s not ready to propose, which isn’t fair because the two of them are ready to wife her. “I’d hate to see her give up the chance to be serious with one of us for a guy who isn’t ready…” blah blah blah.

True, Peter doesn’t want to get down on one knee yet, but I feel like the reason most of these guys aren’t 100% in love is because they haven’t had the chance to get her between the sheets, which will be the final hump (LOL) in getting them to see her as their wife4life. I’m not even kidding. Or maybe they just want at least one off camera conversation before making a lifetime commitment. Idk, who’s to say.

Before Peter has the conversation with Rachel’s mom where he blatantly says he’s not ready to marry her, but wants her blessing to continue dating (..?), Rachel takes him to a baby boutique where they pick out an outfit for her sister’s soon-to-be newborn. Peter is really into this task since he’s a male model and loves fashion. Even baby fashion. We all know that they’re just pretending to be husband and wife picking out clothes for their own child, which is weird, but also one of Rachel’s not-so-subtle pass/fail tests.

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After that fun little outing, Peter and Rachel pull up to Chateau de Lindsay, aka her parents’ house, aka the nicest place they’ve been to on this journey, which is insane because they’ve been to literal castles in Europe.

They post up on the brick wall that surrounds her villa like a modern day moat in order to have a quick chat before going inside. Peter wants to clarify that last week during his Hometown, he didn’t mean to sound like he’s not serious. He’s still iffy about a proposal, but wants her to know he’s “falling in love with her.” She says same same, then leads him to the cast iron doors of her home, which are used to prevent peasants from entering.

As the doors swing open, we immediately see my favorite Lindsay in-law, Alex! Remember when he met Nick?

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Too bad he turns out to be super condescending this time around.

Peter gets to meet Rachel’s mom, sister + Alex (biracial couple), uncle + aunt (biracial couple), and cousin. As they sit down for dinner, Peter jumps in head first, telling the family that he feels like he’s known Rachel forever, but he’s not fully in love. However, he’s recently realized that he’s not ready to lose her. Rachel sees that last part as a sign that she can potentially change his mind about a proposal in the next two weeks, so she’s thrilled.

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Peter has private conversations with Alex and Mom in various courtyards and circular brick rooms throughout the Lindsay Estate, and passes with flying colors. Rachel’s family actually loves that he’s openly not ready to propose, because that seems a bit more honest and practical.

The last clip we see of Peter is him sitting on the kitchen floor with Rachel’s little nephew, and Rachel’s ovaries literally exploding all over the cameras.

peter floor

Next up: Eric.

This time, Peter and Bryan are left behind to bash Eric. They agree that he’s just not ready for marriage since he’s never even had a serious relationship. But then they get sidetracked by talking about how much they don’t want to be chatting with each other because they know they’re the frontrunners, and thus, there’s a lot of awkward tension. I also think Peter and Bryan are very different humans and prob never got along all that great to begin with.

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Poor sweet Eric, who Rachel treats like a puppy in training, wears a denim– not chambray, DENIM, like the kind used for heavy duty Levis– button down, completely open over a black tee. At least he has a fantastic smile.

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Rachel takes him to the top of some large tower in Dallas, where they drink champagne and Eric yells a lot out of nervous excitement. He gets it all out of his system, because by the time he meets Rachel’s fam bam, he’s back in reserved mode.

You can tell that he’s behaving like he thinks he should behave while meeting a royal family of Dallas, saying things like “It’s an honor to be in your presence.” Remembering Big Rach’s coaching from earlier in the day, Eric tells the Lindsays about his not-so-fancy family dynamic, which impresses her family because they like that he’s a pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps kind of guy.

Like Peter, Eric tells Mom that he’s not fully in love, but he takes the plunge to ask for her hand in marriage in case he wants said hand in a couple of weeks. Mom gives the answer she practiced in front of the mirror over and over, which is to say that she trusts Rachel’s choice, thus is comfortable giving her blessing.

A true Bachelor franchise success! We have a young man who has never in his life uttered the words “I love you,” but he has asked for a woman’s hand in marriage! Some producer somewhere is enjoying a huge bonus check right now.

producer

The next day, Eric and Peter really enjoy throwing shade Bryan’s direction once he and Rachel depart the hotel suite wearing their matching watches from Geneva. The boys were ready to fire off before they even saw Rachel wearing The Watch, but once they witnessed Bryan and Rachel’s twinning moment, their ammunition basically tripled.

Peter decided to start the firestorm of the season when he said “Bryan is used to having swagger in Miami, where they have fake boobs and fake cheeks everywhere, so we’ll see how he does today.” As in, Bryan is a player who might not be the right kind of charming for a class family like Rachel’s. And more importantly, the internet is 95% certain Peter wasn’t referring to Kim Kardiashian-esque cheek implants. DOES BRYAN HAVE FAKE CHEEKS ON HIS FACE???

Literally everyone wants to know. Well played, Peter. Well played.

peter bryan

Now that it’s a thing, I will say Bryan’s cheekbones do sit quite high and dry on his face. However, I found a pic of him from his college days, and his cheeks are just as prominent. I will say, though, that I’d be SHOCKED if he hasn’t had some botox to keep that 37-year-old face looking smooth as DeanieBaby’s 25-year-old face.

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Brachel’s pre-family excursion is to have drinks on a rooftop with her two besties that signed her up for The Bachelor last year. No one else meets her friends, which is sign #497 that she’s going to choose Bryan. The friends are thoroughly charmed by Bryan and his very tan, hairless chest protruding from his thrice unbuttoned shirt, which gives him and Rachel  visible confidence as they stroll arm and arm toward her manor.

Bryan is the only one to say he’s in love with Rachel, which sends her family into an absolute conniption fit. Rachel takes this very personally, though she shouldn’t since her family says that they simply don’t believe it’s possible to fall in love in two months. No matter who it is.

Editors worked overtime during the family dinner, making it look like Bryan was offended by the firing squad of questions and excused himself from the table, when in reality he probably answered their questions just fine. I double checked my editing suspicions via Bryan’s Instagram, and I was totally right. (Muahahhaha!) In his most recent caption, Bryan explains that he was excusing himself to go meet her federal judge father off camera, which was a moment they spliced in right after Alex asked a particularly difficult question about his commitment. #realitytv

The most truly tense moment was after Bryan told the entire family that his mom is his #1 foreverandeveramen, and Rachel’s mom was like, “Okay, yeah, but at the end of the day, would your loyalty be with your wife or your mom?” Bryan says he hopes it would never come to that, but his wife would be #1. As he goes on to explain that he really would prefer to never have to choose, Mama Lindsay interrupts AGAIN, and says “BUT WHERE IS THE LOYALTY??” This really pisses Rachel off, who pipes in that he already said the loyalty would be with his wife.

Something tells me Madre de Bryan and Mama Lindsay won’t get along too well after Bryan’s mom watches this episode.

bryan mom

Alex sits down with Rachel and tells her that she’s having a very emotional reaction to her mother’s concerns. If I had a brother-in-law, I’d slap him square across the face if he took that tone with me. Stick to being funny, ALEX GEEZ.

Bryan asks Mom for her hand in marriage, which she reluctantly gives, and by the end of the night, everyone says they like Bryan after all. All that hard work editing for nothing!

The top three finally part ways for good, at least until After the Final Rose, as they head to Spain for Fantasy Suites.

Eric is first up, and I was 100% convinced Rachel would send him home before getting to the overnight portion, but boy was I wrong. She takes him on a helicopter ride over miles of picturesque vineyards, landing on a cliff overlooking a nearby monastery that juts out into the ocean. They walk the long path to the monastery, where they discuss their experiences in Baltimore and Dallas over champagne. Bor.Ing.

Rachel borrowed Caila’s mother of the bride sequined black shawl for their night date, which I took as a sure sign that she was about to send Eric packing, but once he tells her he’s officially “in love,” she changes her mind and invites him to the Fantasy Suite to bump dirties. Usually, we see the couple ripping each other’s clothes off by the time cameras leave them alone in their suite, but Rachel and Eric simply share some PG smooches before the lights dim.

Apparently, things did not remain PG, however, because their kisses the next morning show vast improvement. They must’ve practiced a lot throughout the night. We also get this visual:

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Eric is completely shirtless the next morning, and Rachel wears her signature onesie to make her father proud.

As they part ways, Eric says I love you like he’s been saying it for years, and Rachel scurries off to take a shower before meeting Peter.

Peter and Rachel do a wine tasting in a stone cave, which was awesome, and crush grapes with their feet. They clearly can’t wait to get to the Fantasy Suite, because they almost started going at it in the grape container.

That night, Rachel asks him again about why he won’t propose. He says that to him, proposing is the same thing as getting married, so he only wants to get down on one knee if he would be ready to get married the next day. She says that proposing just means you intend to get married, but is really moreso a sign that you want to further cultivate the relationship.

UH WHAT? Rach, no. A proposal means you’re ready to get married. Calling someone your bf/gf means you want to further cultivate the relationship.

Peter agrees with me that Rachel is all sorts of confused about the meaning of a proposal, and Rachel begins to cry because she really wants to have sex with Peter but also wants a ring.

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TO BE CONTINUED.

I will be seriously shocked if she sends Peter home before giving him the Fantasy Suite Card. I refuse to be played by editors. I REFUSE.

Next week is Men Tell All, which I am thoroughly not excited about. The teasers reminded me of all the crazies who annoyed me to no end this season: Whaboom, Blake, Lee, Kenny, Demario, and Josiah, to name a few. Women Tell All is always way juicier, if you ask me, because women are more subtle about their drama (it’s actually true). Male rivalries are played out by the time the reunion arrives. The only guy I’ve ever been excited to see on a Men Tell All was The Chad, because duh.

Here’s to hoping that Chris Harrison spends a lot of time interviewing Dean! Catch ya on the flip side.