I almost forgot to watch The Bachelor last night because Snowpocalypse 2017 has brought upon such severe cabin fever that I barely remember my own name, much less what day it is, but thank god for Nick’s incessant self-advertisements on Instagram.

Speaking of Instagram, I’m really into Becca and Robert’s relationship. Side note.

[My new weekly disclaimer: I’m fairly certain that all most of the people on this show are smart, kind, wonderful human beings who’ve been lured into momentary insanity by editors, producers, and unlimited wine. I actually really like Nick, think the girls are all beautiful in their own ways, and just because I question someone’s hair or behavior doesn’t mean he/she’s a terrible person. Much love to all.]

What flannels were to Ben’s season are gold chain chokers this season. Time keeps marchin’ on. In a various array of white tee shirts, the women proclaim their affection for Nick before gathering on the balcony to yell his name in unison, as is tradition.

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Following the morning rituals, Christen attends to the nest of birds in her hair while Josephine giddily debuts her favorite pair of overalls as she reads the first date card:

Corinne

Vanessa

Sarah

Alexis

Haily

Lacy

Brittany

Jasmine

Raven

Danielle L

Taylor

Elizabeth W (not to be confused with Liz, who had sex with Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding, IN CASE YOU HAVEN’T HEARD)

“Always a bridesmaid…Love, Nick”

“I’ve never been a bridesmaid before!” chirps I-love-my-boobs-Corinne, which is perhaps the least shocking sentence ever uttered on this show. Still unclear if Corinne realizes that being a bridesmaid means you have friends.

Nick likes an independent lady, so no limo drivers for this bunch. Instead, the women walk outside to find three matching blue convertibles waiting for them to drive themselves to wherever they’re going. Panic sets in on their faces until a producer tells them that hair brushes and product have been packed in the trunks.

Nick greets them at a mansion that looks just like the Bachelor Mansion, explaining that they’ll be doing bridal photoshoots. I knew this date had potential for greatness as soon as we met the photographer. Sporting a floral romper, perfectly manicured mustache, and his favorite pair of DIFF Eyewear sunglasses, Franco Lacosta was the first person this season to steal America’s hearts.

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Major leg envy.

Once Alexis reintroduces herself to Nick now that she’s no longer in a gay shark costume, and I adjust to what she looks like with 5 inch gold hoops in her ears, the ladies are swept off to hair and makeup. This is the third time they’ve done their hair today, and most of them look less than thrilled. Though the stank faces might’ve been a reaction to Corinne’s nonstop jabbering about how she kissed Nick on the first night. Buckle up, ladies, Corinne’s antics have only just begun. Nick doesn’t even know about her platinum vagine yet!

Taylor is only 23, so she takes everything personally and is convinced that Corinne is specifically targeting her to make feel insecure. Sweetie, Corinne is targeting the whole world. Hang in there.

While Corinne is smugly telling the girls that she’s the hottest bride because her “gown” is just a white bikini, in walks Brittany wearing nothing but a few leaves around her hoo ha and enough hair extensions to make my neck hurt on her behalf. The women start thanking their lucky stars that they were not assigned a topless outfit because they have jobs and families back at home…except Corinne, who– shocker– thinks the wardrobe department made an error and assigned her the wrong outfit. How dare they allow someone else to show her boobs to Nick first!

Taylor better slip Corinne her number before they leave, because that girl is in some serious need of psychotherapy. Frankly, I’m going to need therapy, too, after this season.

Corinne expertly employs the Olivia Technique of Top Villaining by chomping on food like a maniac while she watches Nick’s first few photoshoots. Why chewing a carrot looks so evil on television, I have no answer, but it really solidifies one’s villain status.

A few uninteresting photo shoots with Sarah (Las Vegas elopement) and Hailey (biker wedding) later, we’re #blessed with Alexis dressed up for her “shotgun wedding.” The fact that shotgun weddings include a pregnancy was news to Alexis, but she handled the baby bump like a champ. My favorite part was when she balanced the can of hairspray on her belly as she was getting ready.

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She’s clearly Nick’s BFF in the house, but if she can shimmy out of the friend zone, I have high hopes for our hilarious little dolphin.

In other news, I’ve come to realize that I absolutely cannot tell the difference between Lacey and Elizabeth.

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I seriously had an easier time telling apart Twin #1 and Twin #2 on Ben’s season.

Pretty much every girl kisses Nick during her photo shoot, and Elaceybeth finally points out that Nick simply tastes like the other girl(s). Romantic.

Finally, it’s time for Brittany’s “Adam and Eve” photoshoot. She struts out to meet Nick in his matching leaf panties, immediately pressing herself against his chest and offering him a bite of her apple. (I’m pleased to say that I’m talking about a literal apple here, not using slang for any body part.) Nick’s leaves rustle slightly. The girls cheer them on with the exception of Corinne, who is chugging her 4th glass of chardonnay while hatching her plan for Battle of the Boobs.

THE BACHELOR - "Episode 2102" - As Nick continues his search for love with the 22 remaining beautiful bachelorettes, Liz is particularly anxious: she is keeping a tumultuous secret about her romantic past with the Bachelor. Twelve other women are excited to dress up for their own wedding photo shoot with their "groom," Nick. Danielle M. snags the first one-on-one date of the season, as the couple helicopter to a steamy hot tub aboard a yacht. Six women get to act out a dramatic and sometimes funny "break-up" with Nick at Los Angeles' Museum of Broken Relationships, but it is the weight of Liz's sexy secret that throws everything into disarray. Will one night of passion in the past derail Nick's chances at a happily ever after from the start? Find out on "The Bachelor," MONDAY, JANUARY 9 (8:00-10:01 p.m. EST), on the ABC Television Network. (ABC/Rick Rowell) BRITTANY, NICK VIALL

It’s finally Corinne’s turn for her “Beach Wedding,” which conveniently takes place in a pool instead of the beach. Details. Wasting no time, she whips off her bikini top and instruct Nick to grab her boobs. I hate producers at this moment. This is not what I signed up for. If I wanted to see soft core porn, I would’ve turned on an old episode of Game of Thrones. For a moment, I thought Nick would redeem what little respect I have left for him and refuse to cup her boobs, but alas, Nick is not known for his self-control. ABC is a family network, so we didn’t see Nick actually grab her boobs, but we got to watch the other girls’ reactions instead. Lots of nervous laughter and a few twitches.

Corinne was pleased with the results.

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Hailey manages to put my thoughts into words perfectly: “My family would kill me if I did that. [Pause] I’d kill myself, first of all.”

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Meanwhile, Franco the fabulous photog gets to choose which girl he thinks had the best chemistry with Nick, and she gets to do a second photoshoot. Obviously he chose Corinne because Franco loves the drama.

The evening portion of the date is simply a revolving door of Nick’s lips, and Corinne interrupting not one, not two, but three girls during their one-on-one time. Nick seems pretty into Taylor and Raven, but still gives Corinne the rose. The other women begin to wonder if they would’ve gotten the rose if they, too, had gotten naked. This makes me very sad.

Raven: “If Nick is just into someone who leads with her sexuality, no wonder this is his 4th time.” RAVEN FOR PRESIDENT 2020.

With so much drama between Corinne and Liz (We haven’t even addressed Liz’s romp with Nick yet! Have you heard that she had sex with Nick at Janner’s wedding, though? You haven’t? Oh, I guess I’ll tell you, she had sex with Nick at Janner’s wedding!), there’s no time for niceties. We don’t even see Nick pick up his first one-on-one date, Danielle M. Instead, we cut straight to the two of them in a helicopter, landing on a yacht. Casual.

Nick has apparently never poured champagne before, which explains a lot about him as a person.

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After they choke down some bubbles, they eat some cheese and make out in the hot tub. If anything interesting happened, we’ll never know, because instead we got 15 minutes of Liz telling Christen and her nest of birds the story of how she hooked up with Nick. Christen is shocked, but chooses not to out Liz to the rest of the girls. Honestly, someone who wears a leopard print sweatband in a serious manner doesn’t strike me as the kind of girl who can keep a secret, but I guess looks are deceiving.

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Back at the one-on-one date, Danielle M and Nick are already at dinner, where Danielle shares the awful story of how her ex overdosed on drugs and died 3 months after they got engaged. She didn’t even know he had a problem with drugs. Yikes. Nick does a great job comforting her and handling the news, and I’m starting to realize that his maturity directly reflects whoever he’s with. Danielle’s meek voice and gorgeous jumpsuit screamed “wife material,” so Nick pulled out all the stops. He gives her the rose, and they close out the night by making out on a ferris wheel.

I never knew how many ferris wheels were in this world until watching The Bachelor.

Second group date goes to:

Christen

Josephine

Astrid

Jamie

Kristina

Liz (The one who had sex with Nick at Janner’s wedding. Just wanted to make sure you didn’t forget.)

“We need to talk…-Nick”

The girls think they’re going to be on Jimmy Kimmel (LOL), but instead they’re brought to the Museum of Broken Relationships, where they’re instructed to break up with Nick in front of a small crowd. As they meander through the museum for inspiration on how to “break up” with Nick, Nick manages to shut down Liz whenever she speaks. This, my friends, is how you make a woman crazy. Don’t sleep with a girl and then refuse to address it. Furthermore, don’t proceed to give that woman a public platform to share her feelings. In that case, joke’s on you.

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Revealing why he’s still single, Nick chooses to face Liz for the first time when she’s called onstage to “break up” with him. He’s already been dealt an impressive slap across the face by Josephine, but that was just child’s play compared to what Liz had cooked up for him. She basically tells their entire story of meeting at Janner’s wedding, then ends by saying, “I hope when you find the girl you’re willing to fight for, you’ll fight for her the way I wish you’d fought for me. This is the end of a chapter for us, but I hope it’s a beautiful beginning for you.”

I am completely unsure if that was a real breakup and she’s leaving the show, or if she’s just a really good actress. Nick looks to be having the exact same question. She giggles and walks back to her seat in the audience, leaving everyone utterly bewildered. Except Christen, who is the only person who knows what’s going on, and looks like she wants some popcorn for the occasion. She says “Oh boy” as Liz sits back down next to her, and I silently praise her for providing comedic relief from this horrific awkwardness.

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During the night portion of the date, Nick can’t decide if he’s too hot or too cold, providing further evidence that he may have a higher level of estrogen than most men. (I’m being really hard on Nick this week. I’ll tone it down next time.) Some scenes he’s in his trendy camo button up, and others he’s in only his black undershirt. Anyway, in addition to that, a few things were finally addressed during his one-on-one times, most notably Kristina’s Russian accent and Jamie’s ex-girlfriend.

Finally, Nick sits down with Liz to discuss why she’s being so awkward. He’s not thrilled that she told the whole story in front of the other girls during the break up challenge, even if none of them caught on. He also knows that Liz told Christen everything, because it turns out that Christen only promised to honor secrecy from the other women, not from Nick. Liz tries to explain to Nick that she’s here for the right reason by hammering home the following points:

  • I didn’t give you my phone number when you asked for it because I didn’t know you
  • I’m here to get to know you

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Nick is having a hard time putting two and two together, because he– like the rest of the human population– thinks that the whole point of exchanging phone numbers is to get to know someone. In a last ditch effort to save herself, Liz explains that she doesn’t like phone conversations. Classicccc excuse.

Nick decides to send Liz home because he’s 99% sure she’s just here to be on television. In that case, he should send himself home, too. But I don’t make the rules.

After he watches Liz walk aimlessly into the city streets until she can find a cab, Nick heads back up to find the other 5 women waiting for him. He takes a seat and says, “You may notice that Liz is not with me. That’s because I met her at Jade and Tanner’s wedding.” Christen takes a swig. “Liz and I had sex that night.”

TO BE CONTINUED

The teasers for next week show every single girl sobbing and questioning Nick’s intentions, because is the Pope Catholic?

We also got a glorious end reel during the credits, showing Alexis celebrating the one year birthday of her fake boobs during her one-on-one time with Nick. She brings out two cupcakes with candles on them, and together they wish her breasts a Happy Boobday. I can’t. But I love her so much.

See you next week when we find out who freaks out the most about the Liz news!