January is a bleak month. It’s cold. Your jeans don’t fit because #holidays. No one socializes because going outside is hard. All your money is gone because you spent it on presents and leggings to replace those jeans that don’t fit.
But then there’s a flickering light in the darkness. A flame that keeps your soul alive amidst despair. That flame is called The Bachelor.
It’s heeeeeeeeerrrreee! Bachelor season is upon us, so let us remember in our prayers all the contestants that have to maintain their TV weight during this holiday season so that they’re recognizable by the time they film “Women Tell All” in February! Just remember when you’re having a bad Christmas: It could be worse. You could’ve just had your heart broken after making a mess of yourself on national TV, unable to eat your feelings because internet trolls will be ruining your life in T-minus 4 weeks. Here. We. Go.
If you’re not one of the 30 contestants on this season, it’s time to celebrate! With the recent announcement of who these 30 poor souls belong to, I’m ready to make some predictions.
*Please remember that I mean no harm to anyone on the show, given that I haven’t met them and I also don’t find pleasure in tearing other people down.* That being said, I will poke fun of things they say, wear, and do, just as I make fun of that time I thought it was a good idea to wear this outfit at the ripe old age of 20:
Age 20 going on 60 with a splash of Hillary and a dash of Stepford. Sarah Palin would be jealous.
Some things are just worth being called out on.
Before we dive in, I guess we should revisit the man of the hour, the gurgle-talking, kiss-and-telling, manscarf king himself: Nick Viall, your 2016 Bachelor!
Besides his miraculous transformation from Neville Longbottom lookalike to bonafide front man, Nick is most widely known for:
1. Getting dumped 3 times on Bachelor franchise shows (2nd place Andi’s season, 2nd place Kaitlyn’s season, 4th(?) place Bachelor in Paradise 3)
Remember when he crashed Kaitlyn’s season, then had sex with her while there were still like 10 guys left, but then she still dumped him in the end? Ah, good times.
2. Calling Andi out on live television for “making love” to him right before getting engaged to Josh (RIP Jandi)
Fun fact: Andi said in her book that Nick is terrible in bed. I wonder if she and Kaitlyn have discussed it…
3. Being the villain on Andi and Kaitlyn’s season, including the greatest rivalry of all time with Shawn, Kaitlyn’s now-fiancé (they’re still together, omg)
Shawn and Nick have since “made up,” participating in fundraisers and events together. All’s well that ends well…?
4. Becoming MVP of Bachelor in Paradise 3, therefore making a miraculous jump from franchise villain to franchise sweetheart
Everyone hated Nick going into BIP 3, only to find him to be the charming older brother figure to half the girls there. We were all rooting for him to find love with Jen in the end, if only so we would be #blessed with more pictures of them in their bathing suits, but alas, he dumped her. Probably because he was told he might be able to become the Bachelor. Is he #herefortherightreasons? We may never know.
5. Ruining the lives of 50% of America by swiping the title of Bachelor from Luke Pell
Every time Nick chokes on his own saliva this season, I’ll be thinking how we could’ve been watching Luke teach a girl how to saddle a horse in his croaky yet subtle southern drawl. A girl can dream…
Then again, Nick has his own abs to share with the world. And seems to be good with kids. Swoon.
That little girl is obviously going to have body shaming issues for the rest of her life.
Okay, enough with the ab pictures. Time to dissect the psyches of the 30 women about to bring a little purpose to our Monday nights in January. Keep in mind that my predictions are always weirdly accurate. And by “always,” I mean the two times I’ve done them before. From pictures alone, I called JoJo to be the next Bachelorette before Ben’s season even aired, and pegged 3 of the 4 guys in JoJo’s Top 4.
*I DO NOT BELIEVE IN SPOILERS AND WILL LITERALLY MURDER YOU IF YOU TELL ME ANYTHING.* For the record, I haven’t done any research on these girls outside their bios on the ABC website.
Oh, side note: Nick is the 3rd oldest Bachelor in history at 36 years old.
Let’s do this.
ALEXIS. 23, 5’6″, Aspring Dolphin Trainer, her ex-boyfriend informed her she has a mustache, greatest fear is E.T. the alien.
As if her occupation of “Aspiring Dolphin Trainer” wasn’t enough, her name is Alexis. I’ve never met an Alexis who isn’t in the 90th percentile of Crazy. She listed Crest White Strips as an item she can’t live without. Maybe she should try…? I’m almost offended on her behalf that she was cast on this season at all, considering she’s 13 years Nick’s junior. Speaking of her age, she comes dressed as Left Shark the first night. Sorry, sweet child, but you’re an immediate goner.
ANGELA. 26, 5’7″, Model, wants to be a stay at home mom, uses emojis and “LOL.”
I guess all the girls on this show will be in their early to mid 20s, even though women reach their peak hotness at ages 28-35. Have you seen Mila Kunis (33)? Natalie Portman (35)? Scarlett Johannson (32)? Blake Lively (29)? Producers really need to reevaluate their casting process, if you ask me. Anyway, Angela is a step in the right direction from Alexis. She’s got thick brown hair and a 12 inch waist, just the way Nick likes ’em. Her costume jewelry necklace is questionable, but I’ll let it go since she didn’t say anything too embarrassing in her bio. Top 10.
ASTRID. 26, 5 7 1/2″, Plastic Surgery Office Manager, wishes she never had to work again, greatest fear is getting old and wrinkly.
What a name, amirite?? Apparently it’s Scandinavian meaning “Godly strength,” which is what any feminist in the house will need to have to put up with her. Despite the fact that there is absolutely nothing interesting in her bio except her name, she’ll make it to week 3 or 4 just because she’s got great skin and long brown hair. She could be nice, but more than likely has a chip on her shoulder like most people with unique names.
BRIANA. 28, 5’4″, Surgical Unit Nurse, most outrageous thing she’s ever done is move to Utah, loves Big Macs.
Nick’s trackrecord leaves me to believe that he’s not into girls who like food, so Briana’s probably out just for admitting she’s into Big Macs. She will be among the most normal women on the show since she actually has a career, but girlfriend is just a little too excited to be on TV. I can tell from her smile. You have to play it cool for Nick to like you. He was into Andi (the most un-Bachelorettey Bachelorette of all time, a lawyer who actually dumped the Bachelor when she was a contestant), Kaitlyn (the raunchy Canadian with zero flips to give), and Jen (the calmest, most stoic female ever seen on television). Nick doesn’t like the easy choice. Briana is too eager. Gone on night 1.
BRITTANY. 26, 5’2″, Travel Nurse, wants to be a mom and have a successful career, likes to camp.
Brittany is everything Briana wishes she was. She’s still a nurse, so hurray for a career!, but wears trendy chokers and has an independent spirit. This girl is a front runner. She’s gorgeous with an edgier look (see: Kaitlyn), is career-focused (see: Andi), loves the outdoors, can’t live without tennis shoes, the sun, and music (which is way better than “lashes” and “self-tanner” on most of these girls’ lists), and likes to cook. DING DING DING. Folks, we’ve got ourselves a real live catch. Top 4-6, maybe further.
CHRISTEN. 25, 5’5″, Wedding Videographer, loves Jesus, really obsessed with what goes on behind-the-scenes at the White House.
I know pageant hair when I see it. This girl is the fan of a teasing comb, which leads me to believe she’s done a local pageant in the Miss America system, but probably didn’t win. Idk, just a hunch. Anyway, she’s got more energy than she knows what to do with. She likes to practice moves she’s seen on Dancing with the Stars, enjoys using exclamation marks, and prefers sentences with only 3-5 words. I think Nick will be exhausted by her, but she might make it to week 2. Maybe.
CORINNE. 24, 5’1″, Business Owner, is lasering off all her tattoos, wants to be a cheetah.
So, what exactly is this business she owns? She mentions something about it being online, but other than that, we have no clue what it is. Thus, I can only assume she has an Etsy shop, which is cute but a little misleading. Listen, Corinne seems nice enough, but she’s too short and blonde for Nick. Makes it to week 3 if she’s lucky.
DANIELLE L. 27, 5’5″, Small Business Owner, calls herself cunning, admires Chrissy Teigen
RED ALERT! Top Villain in da house! Any woman who uses the word “cunning” to describe herself is just asking to be hated. She also loves Chrissy Teigen, whose #1 priority in life is to get in Twitter wars. Henceforth known as Daniellelle (I can’t wait to hear Nick try and say “Danielle L” with a straight face) makes it clear that she’s not a rule-follower by sharing a story about jumping off a cliff when she wasn’t supposed to, and has a bit of know-it-all syndrome, similar to Top Villain Olivia in Ben’s season. She’ll be around at least until Top 6-8.
DANIELLE M. 31, 5’10”, Neonatal Nurse, her fiancé died, admires Hermione Granger.
I like this girl. I like her a lot. First of all, she’s an appropriate age for Nick. Add on the fact that she’s been through some tough stuff in life but still seems to have a positive attitude, and I’m sold. It also doesn’t hurt that she’s 5’10” and a Harry Potter fan. She will be the house resident sweetheart, which means the Top Villain will probably make her cry at some point. Top 4 potential.
DOMINIQUE. 25, 5’4″, Restaurant Server, really loves Chipotle, wouldn’t mind being in a hot love triangle.
Well, she’s come to the right place to be in a hot love triangle, but probably not the way she envisioned. Her vibe is just too young for Nick. From her job to her favorite movie (Titanic) to her lack of experience to realize that a love triangle actually sounds like the WORST thing ever, Nick will let her go on week 2 or 3. She’ll be good on BIP, though.
ELIZABETH “LIZ”. 29, 5’4″, enjoys picking her nose as she drives, open Belieber.
I wanted to like Liz just based on her face, but I can’t get behind someone who talks about picking her nose. She’s obviously a free spirit, helping women give birth for a living and rocking 8 different tattoos. She loves coconut oil and hates golf, spoken like a true hippy. Nick won’t learn that she’s too alternative for him until week 4 or 5. She’ll probably be Top 10-12.
*Just realized this girl was the Maid of Honor at Tanner and Jade’s wedding. Getting on the show is a lot easier when you have an in! She’s way thinner now than she was at Janner’s wedding. Proof that girls stop eating to get cast. Every diet needs its motivation, I guess (even though she looked great before).*
ELIZABETH. 24, 5’7″, Marketing Manager, loves Kate Middleton, gets freaked out by certain noises.
This girl is as basic as it gets, which means she’ll probably go pretty far on this show. She seems like your typical southern sweetheart who can talk about anything from Game of Thrones to Britney Spears. She’s family-oriented, loves The Notebook and Finding Nemo, and doesn’t have any tattoos. The kind of girl you can bring home to mom. Not edgy enough for Nick, so likely to be sent home right before Hometowns.
HAILEY. 23, 5’7″, Photographer, Canadian, absolutely despises butterflies.
Hailey left all her flips at home. Just look at her face. She’s very smart, but I think she’s kind of dark. She’s charitable and a fan of Dr. Seuss, but maybe a tad too intense. Something tells me she doesn’t get along with other women very well, but I think Nick will find her interesting. Top 8-10.
IDA MARIE. 23, 5’8″, Sales Manager, favorite snack is Cheetos with a pickle, has never read a book.
She’s not old enough to rent a car, but is really into revving guys’ engines, considering she said she likes strawberries because they’re sexual. Honey, your dad just read that. She’s a literal baby child, and I honestly just can’t get past the fact that Nick didn’t put an age minimum on his bachelorette requirements. She and Nick will have nothing in common. Top 12 because she’s a tall skinny brunette.
JAIMI. 28, 5’2″, Chef, greatest achievement to date is catering the Oscars (legit pretty cool), impresses guys by bench pressing them with her legs.
This girl is too much woman for Nick. She has a rad career as a chef, but the whole bench pressing a dude with her legs is not exactly Nick’s style. She’s clearly a little more mature than the other girls since her greatest fear is not being loved as much as she loves someone (as opposed to “getting wrinkles!”), but I just don’t think she’s Nick’s cup of tea. Gone on night 1.
JASMINE B. 25, 5’2.5″, Flight Attendant, likes cracking her neck, doesn’t chase men.
This chick seems pretty cool. I’m usually turned off by contestants who can’t round up or down an inch for their height, but she’s also the only girl in Bachelor history not showing skin in her bio picture, so she must be a good person. She’s very confident, but it doesn’t come across bitter or conceited, plus she has kind eyes. I don’t think she’s Nick’s soulmate, but I see her sticking around for a few weeks.
JASMINE G. 29, 5’7″, Pro Basketball Dancer, calls herself the girl version of Guy Fieri, would buy more socks if she won the lottery.
I was rooting for her when I realized she was old enough for her brain to be fully developed, but it went downhill from there. First of all, Guy Fieri is kind of a wacko jerk. Second, she has a sorority tattoo. Coming from a girl who was in sorority, I still think that’s ridiculous. Also, she says her life is similar to Olivia Pope’s, which is INSANE. Excuse me, but are you having an affair with the president while also banging another dude at the same time you’re trying to stop your murderous father from killing the entire world with his undercover, government-funded terrorist operation? How do you even have time to be on The Bachelor? Gone night 1.
JOSEPHINE. 24, 5’7 3/4″, Unemployed Nurse, her brother is her best friend, thinks “What animal would you be?” is a really good question.
KRISTINA. 24, 5’2″, Dental Hygienist, was adopted, favorite TV show is Ninja Warrior.
She seems pretty cool because she doesn’t fear aging, can make her own clothes, and uses the word “darling” to describe Princess Fiona, but she may have trouble with being burdened by her past. Her biological mother was an alcoholic, which is why she was put up for adoption, and she would like to know if “choosing alcohol over your kids was worth it.” Obviously not. Statements like that just make me think someone is still dealing with bitterness– which is totally understandable. I can’t pretend to know the difficulties of being adopted. However, if she lets that cloud her happiness, it could become an issue in her relationship with Nick. I’d say she’s Top 10.
LACEY. 25, 5’3″, Digital Marketing Manager, speaks Arabic, has never introduced her family to a boyfriend.
She’s obviously very smart and driven, but the fact that she’s never brought anyone home could mean she’ll be a little closed off. This could work in her favor, as we’ve seen a pattern of Bachelors being intrigued by the girl who doesn’t seem too invested. I think Nick will be impressed by her and keep her around through the Top 8-10.
LAUREN. 30, 5’7″, Law School Graduate, wants lots of pets, loves rock formations.
Ah, yes, the token blonde Lauren of the season! Just based on her look, she’ll be Top 4, possibly Top 2. She’s the appropriate age (!!), beautiful, seems to like adventure, and has a budding career. Well, the last one is up for debate since she is a graduate, but apparently doesn’t have a job. But it’s good enough. Possible Bachelorette if she doesn’t win, but I think they’ll be looking for their first non-white girl for the job, so my money is on Susannah. Plus I think Lauren will actually win.
MICHELLE, 24, 5’1″, Food Truck Owner, wants to have Sunday Roast with Albus Dumbledore, speaks Portuguese.
This girls is rad. The fact that she owns a food truck is the greatest, as is her smile. I think her answer about having Sunday Roast with Albus Dumbledore was hilarious, and what guy can resist a girl who speaks more than one language? I’m not sure she’s glam enough for Nick, but I can see her in the Top 6-8, for sure.
OLIVIA. 25, 5’7″, Apparel Sales Representative, was the kicker of her high school football team, is from Alaska.
I don’t think Olivia is mainstream enough for Nick. She’s beautiful and seems remarkably normal, but I think she’ll blend into the background and be gone in the first or second week.
RACHEL. 31, 5’4″, Attorney, hates animals that can fly, loves 90s country music.
This woman seems like a catch. Smart, funny, genuine about finding love. She’s afraid that she missed out on the chance to find love since she’s been so career focused, but unfortunately, I don’t think she’ll find love with Nick. He’ll respect her intelligence, but I can’t see them having sexual chemistry. Let’s hope The Bachelor is a platform for her to get swept up by some guy in her hometown once she’s sent home, because I actually think she seems really great. Gone week 3-4.
RAVEN. 25, 5’6″, Fashion Boutique Owner, can’t cook, wants to be Jasmine because of the pet tiger (same).
Top 4. She has a bubbly personality, a great look, and seems genuinely sweet. I like her because she only uses cheap hair products and doesn’t expect fancy gifts from men. I hope she’s as down to earth as she seems in her bio. Top 2 potential.
SARAH. 26, 5’5″, Grade School Teacher, quotes the musical Annie, has a star named after her.
Top 4-6. She might be a little too sugary sweet for Nick, but she’ll definitely go far. She’s got a gorgeous smile, is super girly, and would approach a man by finding something witty to say (cue awkward intro out of the limo).
SUSANNAH. 26, 5’6″, Account Manager, can’t do the bend and snap, really loves shoes.
Her bio left me a little in want of something deeper than shoes and seashell bikinis, but all in all, I think this girl is a front runner. She’s gorgeous, basic, and doesn’t seem to have a fatal flaw. Top 4 with Top 2 potential– most likely to be the next Bachelorette.
TAYLOR. 23, 5’4″, Mental Health Counselor, favorite designer is Forever 21, best gift she’s ever received is a card.
Sweet girl. So young. When you say that Forever 21 is your favorite designer, and that you want to “look bomb,” I am 100% certain you’re not ready for marriage. Gone week 2.
VANESSA. 29, 5’3 1/2″, Special Ed Teacher, speaks French and Italian, says she’s very patient.
Color me impressed! She seems pretty fantastic. I’m a little curious to hear the story about the time she received a promise ring…was the promise broken? Is she still promised to someone? Is she a virgin? She might be almost too mature for Nick, but I think it could go either way. Let’s play it safe and call Top 10.
WHITNEY. 25, 5’8″, Pilates Instructor, thinks “the theatre” means “the movies”, has no regrets.
Something tells me Whitney isn’t the brightest bulb in the box. Even still, she seems like a nice girl who is ready to settle down. She talks about communication and supporting one another through life experiences, which are signs of a woman who knows a relationship is more than sunshine and roses. I think Nick will like her even if she has a crazy strong Minnesota accent. Top 10.
Potential for Top 4:
Brittany, Danielle M, Lauren, Raven, Susannah
High-middle of pack (Top 5-10):
Sarah, Michelle, Lacey, Hailey, Elizabeth, Angela, Danielle L
Low-middle of pack:
Whitney, Vanessa, Kristina, Ida Marie, Liz, Jasmine B, Dominique, Astrid
First to go:
Taylor, Rachel, Olivia, Josephine, Jasmine G, Jaimi, Corinne, Christen, Briana, Alexis
Let the countdown to January 2nd BEGIN!!