I’m not a product-y person. Maybe I should be, because my friends who use a lot of product look freaking fabulous. But I feel like my appearance doesn’t scare people on a regular basis, so for now, I’m good.

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The fact that I’m not a product person probably reflects my priorities. When it comes to monetary priorities, we’re looking at Starbucks being the primary, and food being the secondary. Followed closely by puppy stuff, leggings, and arts & crafts materials. As far as time priorities go, I never give myself ample time to leave the house. I always allow the bare minimum of time possible to look somewhat socially acceptable and arrive at my destination with 1-2 minutes to spare. Therefore, I never build in time for products, much less time to figure out how to use new products. Priorities=Brushing my teeth, finding clean underwear somewhere in the bin of clean clothes I never unpacked into a drawer, and leaving ample time for my #1 monetary priority: stopping at Starbucks.

I also have a really deep hatred for getting my hands lotiony, sticky, or damp in any manner. If I have to wash one more product off my hands after running it through my hair or putting it on my face, my hands are going to turn into miniature Grand Canyons full of cracks and crevasses.

“Products” include makeup, by the way. Similar to not knowing how I used to have such astounding self-control when eating not eating before a pageant, I honestly don’t know how I used to put on a full face every single day for my 9-5 job in D.C. I’d apply foundation, concealer, powder, eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara, and blush. Now you’re lucky if you see me with just enough concealer to hide the occasional pimple that pops up because apparently high school isn’t completely over, and maybe some mascara so people can tell I’m a girl. Androgyny is cool and all, but I don’t want to embarrass my husband.

Besides reflecting my priorities, my lack of products also says something about the products I do use. If I’ve built them into my daily routine, they’re obviously pretty darn incredible, because not any ole product is going to make the cut. We’re looking for A) efficiency and B) results. Which is why I actually think a non-producty person’s (ahem my) list of suggested cosmetic products is perhaps superior to lists made by people who fawn over this stuff. I only have the time and patience for a few, so you know they’re going to be the best.

With that in mind, may I present my 5 favorite beauty products:

1. Daily Facial Moisturizer by Bioceutica

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I ran out of my bottle this morning and had forgotten to pre-order more, and my heart rate literally rose in a panic. I feel like any lotion I put on my face is either too thick or causes breakouts or smells like a grandma whenever my husband attempts to kiss me. UNTIL THIS. It doesn’t have a floral smell, which is excellent, because who wants a migraine at 7 a.m. when you’re getting ready for the day? It’s the perfect consistency that doesn’t feel like you’re plastering on glue to your face, but also doesn’t take one thousand years to rub in as though it’s glorified water. Seriously, it’s the BEST. My skin is so soft and clear (except once in a while when I eat too much pizza, and I can fault no one but myself), never gets oily, and the dryness after a shower immediately subsides once I apply the Bioceutica magic. Go get it. Seriously. Order it right HERE. (They have a whole face care system, but again, maybe I’ll get better about using all of it once I realize I could look 10 years younger if I just spent 3 more minutes taking care of my skin.)

P.S.– Although they’re not on my list because I didn’t want to take up half of your day by posting every little thing I use, I want to mention that I highly recommend the Bioceutica makeup palette with eyeshadow and blush, and their foundation. I’m obsessed with all of it and always get compliments. I don’t want to sound like an advertisement, because I swear no one is paying for this blog post (unless they want to, then by all means, please go for it!), but I’m just trying to pass on the good news. Bioceutica products are the BOMB.

2. Cover Girl LashBlast Mascara

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Yes, kiddies, this is in fact that orange tube that’s always hanging in the checkout line rack at Target. The tube that reminds you you haven’t bought new mascara in 6 months and could be housing a full family of eyelash mites at this very moment. Obviously, this is the only way I remember to shop for mascara. Although I clearly haven’t done my share of mascara research, I can say that this is one of those “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” kind of situations. I kid you not, people ask if my lashes are fake at least once every other month. Now, perhaps they’d ask every other week if I searched for a superior brand, but I feel like every other month is pretty stellar. If you think I’m gluing on fake hair to my eyelids at any point in life, I’m doing something right.

3. Garnier Fructis Ultra Strength Hair Spray (Level 4)

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I want you to know the backstory of why I first bought this, which really sheds some light on the power of strong marketing. One summer during college, when I was living back at home for a few months, my mother and I saw a commercial for this very product. Probably during Oprah or American Idol. Maybe even Dr. Phil. I wasn’t particularly in the market for new hairspray, but the commercial was enough to make anyone think twice. It started out in black and white, showing really depressed girls sitting around with frizzy hair and no friends. Then they used Garnier Fructis, and BAAM! Their whole lives turned to color! They had lots of good-looking friends! Their hair was bouncy and sleek! This hairspray changed their lives, and I knew it could change mine, too.

JK, my mom and I laughed really hard and made fun of it. “Wow, is that all it takes to be happy? Good hairspray? I’m in!” Well, which bottle do you think stood out to me 3 months later when I was shopping for hairspray? You bet. Garnier Fructis. I just had to get it so I could tell my mom that all of a sudden I was the most popular girl on campus! She was very happy for my social success. And as luck would have it, it turned out to be really top notch hair spray! It never makes my hair hard or greasy-looking, and brushes out beautifully while managing to hold my extremely thick, straight hair! What do ya know.

It also smells like a dream in a subtle way, which works out nicely since I never wear perfume.

I bet all of you are wondering if maybe you’re friends with me simply because of my awesome hairspray, and you didn’t even realize that that’s what drew you in. MUAHAHAHAHA. Now you know my secret.

4. Pantene Pro-V Shampoo and Conditioner

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What a classic, amirite??? You simply can’t beat Pantene Pro-V in the clean hair department. The shampoo even looks silky smooth with it’s attractive milky color. And then there’s the conditioner. OH THE CONDITIONER. Women with thick hair will give me a big Amen when I say this: If any conditioner has consistency less than that of ultra fatty mayonnaise, my hair is doomed. The thicker the better, that’s what I always say. (Is it..?) It doesn’t come much more dense than Pantene Pro-V. My hair looks like a curtain of joy when it’s dried, plus I don’t pull out half of it while trying to brush it when it’s still wet. They say you’re supposed to switch up your shampoo/conditioner brand every few months to keep your hair “repsonsive,” to which I say, you must think I’m the kind of person who gets bored with my husband. How wrong you are! I never cheat, and that’s a practice that has never backfired, both in the relationship AND shampoo department.

(Y’all, I just had a LOT of wine at lunch.)

5. Jergen’s Natural Glow Lotion

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If you’re a regular reader, by now you’ve learned that I’m a big fan of spray tans. Sure, I might be lookin’ at $40 +tip for one week of color, but that’s a whole lot cheaper than cancer. But when I don’t need a full on vacation glow, rather simply don’t want to offend people while wearing a cocktail dress in the winter, I lean on my trusty friend, Jergens. Jergens kinda smells like peanut butter, which I couldn’t put my finger on until one day after putting it on in the office, when a  coworker walked past my desk and asked if I was eating peanut butter, to which I replied OF COURSE I AM so he didn’t know it was actually just fumes emitting from my skin. But still, a few weeks of peanut butter stench is completely worth looking good at an upcoming event. Or maybe you just like smelling peanut butter for recreational pleasure, in which case Jergens was MADE for you.

Seriously, though, the stuff never ever streaks since it’s a slow process that is mixed in with regular lotion. I use the “medium to tan” bottle even though there’s nothing medium or tan about me, but I always feel like a million bucks after a week of application. And the best news is that you don’t have to apply it right before you go anywhere. You can just sleep in it over night, giving your husband dreams of sugarplum peanut butter fairies, then throw on regular lotion in the morning. I learned that the hard way FOR you. You’re welcome.