When the opening lines by Chris Harrison include “How many women can Wells kiss in one day?” and Ashley I saying “Wells has to choose between me, a random Canadian, and a Russian hooker,” you know this is going to be one of the best hours of your life.

Before Ashley I has to worry about the Russian hooker, though, she still needs to get Caila out of Paradise. Jared asks Caila what Ashley said that made her want to leave, and Caila gives no real answer. Even when being completely trashed by a really sad, really manipulative woman (“woman” is giving Ashely I a lot of credit), Caila doesn’t like to stir the pot or point fingers. It makes me like her all the more.

Jared tells her he wants to talk to Ashley before deciding whether or not he’ll leave Paradise by her side. Rightfully so, Caila gets annoyed and doesn’t understand why he needs to consult with a lying, immature maniac who is in love with him. She tells him she’s not going to wait around for him, and is leaving Paradise right now. #bye

Jared still decides to talk to Ashley about what happened, somehow holding a serious conversation with her even though she looks like absolute hell with her hideous half-up bun, messy red lipstick that makes her looks like she just sucked out Caila’s literal heart, and matching pushup red bikini top that screams “I’m too poor for a boob job, so this will have to do.”

jared and ashley

Ashley tells the camera that “her job is done” now that Caila is gone, and that “hopefully one day Jared will see that I did this out of the goodness of my heart.”

Ashley, you don’t have a heart. You have lots of emotions, but no heart.

Jared gets pretty pissed at Ashley when she tries to explain herself, rolling his eyes when she claimed that she never told Caila to go home. Jared doesn’t fall for her crap for a full two minutes, until she starts to cry. Then he holds her and comforts her as though she’s the one who was sabotaged. You know what, Jared? I’m over it. You’re an idiot. Have fun being miserable your whole life, courtesy of the crazed basket case you’re currently stroking.

[Wow, I think I need to calm down today. Remind me to drink more wine next week.]

Ashley looks up at him through her wet eyelash extensions and says, “I can’t believe she just left without you.”

“I’m actually leaving with her right now.”

Not what Ashley expected to hear! And with that, Jared walks away and ignores her request for a final hug. I’ve come to fully distrust and absolutely detest Ashley I, but there’s no denying that Jared feeds her confusion.

Ashley sobs to the camera, telling them that Jared has a “golden soul” and “makes life so great.”

LADIES LISTEN UP. If a guy makes you cry all the time, whether you take the blame for being irrationally emotional or not, he does NOT “make life so great.” Somehow, this is a common misconception. That some guy is sooooo wonderful that he’s worth crying over. If you’re crying, tell me again how he’s improving your life? Remind me? Because before I even learned to talk, walk, or wipe my own butt, I figured out that tears are actually a sign of unhappiness.

While Ashley is trying to figure out how to wipe her own butt, Jared chases after Caila’s getaway suburban. The driver stops the car only on Caila’s command, which is exactly the kind of getaway driver everyone wants. She opens the door, and Jared hops in to tell her he’s coming with! Bye Paradise! P.S.– Can someone walkie talkie a producer back in hell Paradise and ask them to pack my bags for me? Thx.

bachelor in paradise caila leaves

For whatever reason, Carly is now Ashley’s BFF and tells her she didn’t do anything wrong. This season has been wonderful in many ways, but hugely disappointing in others. I came into this loving Carly, but now she’s rolling around with the creepy, little-boy Erectile Dysfunction guy, and constantly defending the one girl who openly tells everyone she’s going to sabotage Jared, then cries to manipulate everyone back into feeling bad for her. I will give Carly exactly one more episode to redeem herself, but based on her Instagram posts sticking up for Ashley, I think I need to retract my fan club membership. It hurts, because she’s so funny. But I simply can’t support her choices any longer. YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF, CARLY.

After about 20 minutes, Ashley wipes away her tears and says, “I’m just going to worry about me and my love life! Life is about living in the moment! I’m so glad to be moving on.” Oh, really? Where were those sentiments an hour ago when all you could focus on was ruining Jared and Caila’s relationship? You’re such a delusional mess, it’s scary, girlfriend. Normally I can just laugh at the drama, but it’s not even funny anymore. Like, you’re a bad person.

[Again, I clearly need more wine. Feeling mighty sassy today.]

Wells returns from his date with Jami holding her hand. Ashley is angry because to virgins, holding hands is like 3rd base. “We got to that point on my date, too. Ugh.” Okay, I got to that point with my little brother last week, too, calm down Ashley.

Wells tells the camera that he’s more interested in Jami than in Ashley because Jami comes with no drama. Fair. He sits down to talk with Ashley, but instead of rejecting her, falls for her speech about how she’s “matured more in this one week than I have in the last year.”

One of the first lines she said when arriving in Paradise was how she’s “matured more in the last year than in her whole life combined.”

Stick to a story. Is it possible that I’m starting to dislike Ashley more than I dislike Evan? What. Is. Happening.

Wells thinks that maybe Ashley isn’t as crazy as he thought she was, so he’ll keep getting to know her and Jami. After all, Jami is wearing a sweater crop top with no bra, so how can he say no to that? But Ashley could potentially murder him if he dumps her, so there’s no out on that end, either. Two relationships for now, it is!

PSYCH! Three.

Two more ladies enter Paradise, ready to send Wells into a frenzy of confusion. First up: Lauren H!!! YES!!! I had no idea she was coming on the show, but remember I begged her to do BIP in this previous recap? She must be an avid reader! Nice!

lauren h

Lauren H is bad at handling balls, but boy is she great at dressing herself. And not eating. She looks super hot in her two piece floral shorts/top number, and every guy in Paradise notices. Every girl, too. Izzy, Ashley, and Jami look slightly happy to see her, since she’s your classic midwestern kindergarten teacher who everybody loves, but also super annoyed because all three of them are 7s, and Lauren H is a 9. This remains true on the personality scale, as well.

After getting the lowdown of “who’s dating who” from Jen and Jami, Lauren H sets her sights on Brett the Lamp Guy. They point him out to her, and he’s in a black and white striped shirt. “Wait, so Brett’s the guy with the prison shirt on over there? Hmm…I like bad boys.” YES I’m so happy you’re here, Lauren.

Poor Izzy. She doesn’t stand a chance at keeping Brett’s attention. Vinny’s probably lookin’ pretty good right about now, eh? Too bad he’s back in Florida and his mom won’t let him see you ever again, even if you tried.

Just as everyone is adjusting to the presence of a tall, leggy blonde who teaches children how to read, in walks Shushanna, who apparently goes by “Shoe.” Clearly English is her second language, or else she would’ve re-thought that nickname.

Wearing a white lace crop top that might actually just be a sleeping bra worn by 1800s aristocrats beneath their nightgowns, paired with white shorts and heels, Shoe the Russian wobbles down into the Lions Den. Her all white ensemble doesn’t stop Ashely I from comparing her to a prostitute and calling her “Eurotrash.” Anyone with a foreign accent is “Eurotrash” to Ashley I. Don’t worry, Shushanna. It’s nothing personal.

The only guy not tied down into a “serious” relationship at this point is Wells, so naturally, Shoe asks him on her double date with Lauren, who has since asked Brett. The boys agree, because lesbihonest, Lauren H and Shoe are way hotter than Izzy, Jami, or Ashley. It’s a cruel world, ladies!

The foursome heads off to the beach for a day of surfing lessons! Lauren and Brett are naturals. Shoe can’t stand up on the surfboard to save her life, but I wonder if it’s because she didn’t realize she was wearing a bra and underwear instead of a bathing suit. That material could be what’s dragging her down!

shushanna

shushann surfing

Good thing Wells doesn’t care if Shoe can’t surf, because have you seen her butt???

Wells and Shoe makeout. He compares her to an “evil villain who might cast some spell on you or murder you or rip your clothes off, but you kind of want all three to happen.” Stereotypical sex appeal from the Russian girl named Shushanna: Check.

Lauren and Brett hold a remarkably normal conversation on the beach before beginning to snog. If you can get past the fact that Lauren speaks exclusively out of the left side of her mouth with a thick midwestern accent (which I can), she’s absolutely darling. Brett agrees with me. Izzy who?

Despite the fact that Nick tried to have a heart-to-heart with Ashley, telling her she should mentally prepare herself for not getting a rose since Wells might be too scared to deal with the drama that follows her (how can Nick always say these blunt things to Ashley without upsetting her? He’s magic!!), Ashley still can’t shake her fatal attraction tendencies. “Wells is the guy who helped me get over Jared.” Did he, Ashley? Did he.

Downstairs on the beach, Evan smacks Carly’s butt and then gets so turned on that editors are forced to give him a black box as he walks to hide his erection. Further proof his is a 14 year old boy. Either that, or he’s taking way too much Viagra, which he’s only supposed to give out to his clients. Whichever way you slice it, it’s super gross.

A few beach beds over, Josh is comfortably atop his high horse, explaining to Grace and Amanda why “you can’t let people affect you, even if they try and tear you down.” If he’s talking about Nick questioning his intentions with Amanda, I’m not sure yelling at everyone in Paradise is “not letting it affect you.” Josh, have you ever heard that whole “pride is like a necklace” metaphor? (Hint: Everyone can see it but you.)

Later, Josh and Amanda sit with their legs dangling in the pool, I notice that Amanda has turned into a full on robot. She is either hypnotized or on drugs, because she’s no longer capable of saying anything but “I trust you, Josh” with a glazed look in her eye. Someone needs to intervene.

Unfortunately, Amanda gets a date card and, of course, asks Josh. Despite the fact that she’s wearing a red muscle tank that says “hot sauce,” she’s like a mild sour cream in comparison to Andi any woman with a backbone.

Josh and Amanda have dinner in what looks to be a random walkway still on the hotel grounds. Romantic. They discuss the possibility of getting engaged. And by discuss, I mean Josh talks about Nick the whole time and Amanda continues to repeat the only three words she’s allowed to say under hypnosis. “I trust you.”

The only way I know the real Amanda is still in there is that she picked out a red two piece off-the-shoulder dress. A flicker of hope!

BACHELOR IN PARADISE - The long awaited third season of last summer’s genre-defying breakout hit series “Bachelor in Paradise” returns on TUESDAY, AUGUST 2 (8:00–10:00 p.m. EDT), on the ABC Television Network. (ABC/Craig Sjodin) AMANDA STANTON

You should know that Amanda gets exactly 3 slices of zucchini for dinner, while Josh gets a large pepperoni pizza pie all to himself.

Josh claims they can get through “anything” since she’s managed to ignore everyone in Paradise telling her to run, and he’s managed to not slap her around yet. (Too much, but also true.) They finish out the night by making out under some fireworks. I feel defeated on behalf of all women around the world.

Shoe, Wells, Lauren H, and Brett return from their surfing date to find that Ashley spent all day braiding extensions into her hair, and Jami spent all day not having a personality.

Shoe gives zero flips and says to Ashley, “You should try and kiss Wells. He’s a great kisser.”

Ashley doesn’t know how to react to such a blatant display of a woman who is A) so confident, and B) so unconcerned with her relationship with Wells that she’s actually challenging other women to kiss him. Ashley laughs as she runs off to take Shoe’s advice.

Wells had just finished a makeout session with Jami when Ashley arrived. At this point, he’s so scared to talk to any of the women throwing themselves at him that he chooses to kiss them all instead. I can’t blame him. Side note: Ashley looks like the worst kisser of the three. Not surprised.

NEXT WEEK, TWO PART FINALE: Nick and Josh both look at wedding rings for a possible proposal! Grace barely makes it out of the Fantasy Suite without breaking up, but they still might get engaged because why not?? Izzy sobs. Shoe sobs. Ashley shoots daggers out of her eyes. I can hardly wait!

THE BIG BACHELOR ANNOUNCEMENT!!!!!

nick viall

Nick is the new Bachelor, which was the most shocking thing to happen on this show since the very first Rose Ceremony in Season 1, 15 years ago. They announced it on “After Paradise,” a live show. While celebrating, Nick drank chardonnay straight from the bottle, which confirmed to me that he is indeed the right man for the job. This explains why he got such a great edit on BIP all season, making him seem mature, funny, and level-headed.

Someone put Josh on suicide watch. And homicide watch. All of the watches.

SPOILER: Apparently Nick does not propose to Jen in the BIP finale next week.

Luke, you’re still great.

Btw, we also learned on “After Paradise” that Caila and Jared dated outside of Paradise for six weeks before calling things off because Jared still won’t stop being friends with Ashley I, EVEN AFTER listening to her talk about manipulating him and messing with his head on BIP. Jared, bye. Caila, you’re way too normal for all this.

Ashley, you’re obviously not over Jared like you proclaimed to be on this live after show, because you can’t keep your hands off of him and are still being incredibly rude to Caila, who is a Goddess. It’s gross, you’re sad, and I have zero sympathy left for you. Women like you are the reason all women have to fight the whole “crazy” reputation. Shape up or ship out of life. I have a high tolerance for reality stars, so if anyone would have patience for your antics, it’s me. But you crossed a line this season, and I no longer find you entertaining. Also, your hair looks terrible in half-up pigtails. It’s high time someone let you know.

pigtails

Wow, sorry, I had all the feels about that situation.