First off, I need someone to explain to me Ashley I’s half up, half down pigtails look. They started out sleek-enough, in what I can only assume is a trend to pull your hair back in a classic cocker spaniel look. I was fine with that.

ashleyspaniel

Look! She’s even wearing a collar!

But by the end of the episode, they were straight up on the sides of her head, while the rest of her hair was still down. That girl puts more effort into her look than I put into picking out a bottle of wine, which says a lot. There’s no way she didn’t notice that her half-pigtails were now full-on kindergarten style, but she was okay with it…? Is this a new thing? SOMEONE SHUT IT DOWN, QUICK!

So today’s post started out with a rant. There’s that.

More alarming than her hair was Ashley’s face when Caila told her that Jared loves her like a sister. Runnnnn, Caila! RUN! Caila’s intentions may have been to smooth things over, but you can’t reason with a woman scorned. Trust me, this is coming from a girl who sent a friendly Facebook message to her husband’s ex-girlfriend in hopes of clearing the air and removing all awkward tension because #womensupportingwomen. This tactic Does. Not. Work. Nice try, though, Caila. Too bad Ashley is still going to try and ruin your life.

Caila leaves her talk with Ashley discouraged, sad that she can’t be with Jared and salvage her friendship with Ashley. That would be a lotttttt of cake, my dear!

Jen, proving to be the most rational woman in the house, tells Caila that Ashley needs to move on from Jared in her own time, but that Caila shouldn’t let it affect her relationship with Jared. What Jen doesn’t realize is that girls like me Caila feel a strong need to be on good terms with everybody at all times, and if that can’t happen, we lose our minds. More on how this pans out later.

For now, let’s cut over to Ashley and Jared’s conversation. I’ll start by pointing out that Jared is an idiot for continuing to fan the flame by always giving Ashley the opportunity to share her very long list of feelings with him. Cut. The. Cord. CHOP CHOP, Jared. Scissor that shiznet.

Jared tells Ashley, “I’m sure your concerns with Caila are coming from a good place, just not wanting to see me get hurt!” Ashley does a switcharoo and decides to be honest for once, telling Jared that she actually might be a little jealous, so her motivations might not be entirely pure. Wow, Ash, that’s some solid self-awareness! This is big for you!

Jared tells her he still wants to pursue things with Caila, and that he wishes Ashley would just meet someone else in Paradise.

I thought this was the perfect segway into Wells’ arrival, but not quite yet! First, we need a 5 minute monologue from Ashley about her dead dog.

“I thought this was the worst week of my life, but come to think of it, I think the worst week was when my dog died earlier this summer. [Full on sobbing] I know she went to Heaven– because all dogs do!– but losing her was maybe as bad as all of this. I know the spirit of her will help me on this journey.” [Cut to two yellow labs chillin’ on the beach.]

Now it’s time for Wells. The ground shakes. Ashley prays to her late pup, Lucy. Dogs all over Paradise perk up their ears. The clouds part and Lucy the Maltese appears in a ray of light, Mufasa style. That’s one mighty dog spirit, definitely here to help Ashley on this journey! Her prayers worked!

Wells strolls in, still skinny as ever, still with a perpetual black eye, and still one of my favorites.

Jared: “I’ve never been more excited to see a guy in my life.”

He knows that Wells is his key to freedom from the clutches of Kim Kardashian’s body double.

Nick: “For Paradise and humanity to continue, Wells needs to ask Ashley on this date.”

Nick, ugh, my heart. I love you. Marry Jen. She’s so cool and has such an awesome body.

Wells still makes his rounds, talking to all of the women in Paradise before deciding who will join him on his date. Every single woman sacrifices her own potential love life for the sake of Jared’s sanity and Ashley’s psyche. Twin #2, who is actually a totally viable option for Wells since she’s entirely single in Paradise, even tells him that “Ashley is way funnier than me, so you should ask her.” That’s sweet, Twin. After Caila, Lace, Nick, Jen, and basically everyone else tells him to ask Ashley, Wells decides to listen to his peers.

His date card says something about tacos, which leads to everyone saying that he and Ashley will have a lot to “tacobout.” Notttt as raunchy as JoJo’s awko taco line on The Bachelor, which is surprising because BIP lives to outdo the raunchiness of mainstream Bachelor shows.

taco gif

After a quick commercial break during which I can finally let in my friend who has been waiting outside my door for 10 minutes, but I couldn’t leave the T.V. screen, we find ourselves watching Jared kiss Caila’s neck as she looks away and smiles in that “I’m pretending to like this” way. The only thing she wants to talk to Jared about is how now they can finally not talk about Ashley anymore, since she’s finally going on a date with another guy! And yet…all she talks about is Ashley, and how she doesn’t have to talk about her anymore…wait. What?

Gentle spanish guitar music plays as Ashley and Wells sit down at a plastic table to enjoy some crunchy tacos. Wells tells her he doesn’t want to be a tool to make Jared jealous. Ashley says, “No way! I really like you!” and then they kiss! It looks pretty good! For a moment, I’m whisked away with the belief that Ashely is actually moving on from Jared! (LOL.)

After din din, Ashley and Wells write wishes to put in fire lanterns, then release them into the air. If the lantern doesn’t burn in flames, your wish will come true! They stare at their lantern for about two minutes. No flames! Success!

As they walk off into the night holding hands, cameras cut back to the lantern, which is now engulfed in flames and falling onto innocent bystanders in the street, unbeknownst to the happy couple. Could this be foreshadowing the future of their budding relationship?? Say it ain’t so!

Back at the house, Lace and Grant get in a fight because Lace “jokingly” hit on Carl and told Grant he might not get her rose this week. Grant gets angry and leaves the pool. This makes Lace angry, because she should be allowed to behave however she wants and Grant shouldn’t care. (Lace is knew to the whole “love” thing, have patience with her very interesting opinions on how things should work.)

Lace runs off to find Grant and tell him she doesn’t want to deal with him being so sensitive. She’s SO drunk. Grant handles it the best he can. They make up later that night once Grant has had time to change into jeans so tight that no blood can get to his brain, so he thinks that he should apologize to Lace for getting upset, when in reality, he didn’t do anything wrong. This is an important lesson as to why you shouldn’t wear clothes that alter the course of your bloodstream.

Grace is back in action, stronger than ever. No one cares.

Amanda, Nick, and Jen are really, really tired. They just want to go to bed. Amanda tells Jen and Nick that they can have the special bed in the treehouse that apparently is Amanda and Josh’s usual cuddling spot. But Amanda is fine with a night off from rolling around in Josh’s sweat. She tells Jen and Nick to sleep in the treehouse. You guys deserve a nice night alone.

Then Amanda goes to bed in her original pre-Josh room, because Paradise is exhausting.

As Jen and Nick crawl into the treehouse, Josh yells, “Hey! No! Amanda and I are sleeping there tonight. You can’t.” Like normal people, Jen and Nick apologize and say the only reason they were going up there was because Amanda told them they could. Josh says that’s not possible, because Amanda would never defy him by choosing to sleep by herself. She wouldn’t dare, that wench.

Jen and Nick tell producers that they just want to go to bed. They don’t care where. Just tell them which beds are open and where to go. They’re too tired to care about Josh’s controlling antics. I want to sleeeeeeeeep!

Josh goes to find Amanda, who is passed out HARD in her bed. He wakes her up because he’s pissed that she went to sleep without telling him. For the second time this episode, I yell at the screen “RUNNNN!!” Amanda. GET OUT.

She’s so confused about what’s happening and why Josh is upset, because not 15 seconds ago, she was dreaming about gladiator sandals and what carbs might taste like. Josh asks her why she doesn’t want to sleep in a bed with him anymore.

“Hmmmhuhh?”

Josh is angry that she won’t flutter off to bed with him like a good, submissive woman. So he slams his fist down on her mattress and sarcastically (and loudly) says “GOOD TALK.” She kind of wakes up at that, looks confused as he walks out of the room, then returns to her slumber.

Fastforward to the next night, which is the Rose Ceremony. Apparently Josh and Amanda have made up. Nick wears a jean shirt (not chambray, straight up denim) unbuttoned past his sternum, but I’m really into it. I might have to get one of those things for my husband, because it really spoke to me on a sexual level.

The women are handing out roses this week. On the chopping block are Daniel the Alien, Ryan (?), and Carl (?).

Carly wears what I can only describe as the kind of outfit a pageant girl from Alabama might wear for visitation. (Pageant girls will understand this.) It’s a red lace romper with separate “long sleeves” that slide onto your arm, but are completely detached from the romper itself. She decides to pair this little number with greasy, frizzy hair to complete the “I’ve let myself go and am dating an Erectile Dysfunction Expert” look.

carly romper

Some explain to me the benefits of Spanx with a romper..?

At least her commentary is still on point:

carly penis man

Carly and Evan tell each other that they’re falling in love. It takes everything in my power to not look away from the screen in horror. Especially when Evan says he needs a minute before he can stand up. VOM.

Daniel brings Haley chicken nugs as bribery for her rose. Then he brings Izzy a lamp for bribery (he needs a rose wherever he can get it from), because remember Izzy dumped Vinny last week for Brett, who showed up to Paradise carrying a lamp. Brett and Daniel have a hilarious exchange about whose lamp has more wattage. I need more of them, and less of Kevin.

Josh and Amanda sit on a beach bed and tell each other that they’re falling in love. Josh goes on a cheesy, insincere rant about how Amanda is way nicer than any girl he’s ever met before. Major burn in Andi’s direction.

The twins tell the camera that they’re very concerned about Josh’s temper and the things that Andi said about him in her book (which I reviewed, HERE). They decide to talk to their BFF, Nick, and find out what he thinks about Josh. Nick says he doesn’t trust Josh because the things Andi said about him (Nick) in her book were true, so why would she say true things about him, but false things about Josh? The twins agree this is a solid point. But before they get a chance to talk to Amanda, it’s already time for the Rose Ceremony.

Carly gives her rose to Evan.

Ashley gives her rose to Wells.

Jen gives her rose to Nick.

Caila gives her rose to Jared.

Izzy gives her rose to Brett.

Lace gives her rose to Grant.

Amanda gives her rose to Josh.

The twins don’t give their roses to anyone, because they don’t feel a romantic connection with anyone and also the producers asked if they wouldn’t mind going home because it’s getting down to the end, so they need the numbers to start dwindling. Twins agree because they really miss their mommy. (For the record, I love the twins.)

This means Daniel the Alien, Ryan (?), and Carl (?) are all heading home. #bye

The twins pull Amanda aside to tell her their concerns about Josh before they leave. Apparently Amanda and the twins hang out a lot outside of the show, so Amanda takes their opinion to heart. She starts crying, and we see Josh watching them from the bungalow above, clenching his jaw in an angry fashion. The twins then leave Amanda alone on the beach to figure things out. Thanks a lot, friends.

Josh comes down to see what happened, but Amanda tells him she doesn’t want to talk. He forces her to talk even though she asks to be left alone multiple times. This guy is seriously aggressive and controlling. He keeps a heavy arm on her shoulders until she caves and tells him the twins don’t trust his intentions. His response is to ask his questions louder and louder until she answers them. WHY. WHY DO THE TWINS FEEL THAT WAY. “I don’t know.” WHY AMANDA. WHAT DID THEY SAY. “I guess someone told them some stuff about you wanting to do damage control on T.V. after what Andi said about you in her book.” WHO. WHO AMANDA. WHO TOLD THEM STUFF. “Someone in the house I think…” WHY WOULD THEY SAY THAT. I’VE BEEN WITH MY DOG WHO IS GOING THROUGH CHEMO EVERY DAY FOR SIX MONTHS. I WOULDN’T HAVE COME HERE IF I WASN’T SERIOUS.

Uhhhh.

With that, Josh bolts from their beach bed to yell up to everyone, who are all up in the Rose Ceremony room, trying to decide if they should do the weekly toast to the next week in Paradise without Josh and Amanda. Josh yells up for everyone to get down to the beach RIGHT NOW.

For some strange reason, everyone shuffles down onto the beach. I tell you what, if I’d been there, you couldn’t have paid me enough money to walk towards a scary guy yelling at me in the dark on the beach.

hard pass

Josh literally screams at the whole group, demanding that someone fess up if they told the twins not to trust him. “DO ANY OF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY???”

I simply do not understand how Amanda doesn’t see any of this as a red flag. Like, any dude who is willing to freak out on national television is not someone you want to see freak out when you’re alone and not on television.

Nick tells Josh he’s not entirely sure if he can trust him because of the whole “Andi said real things about me in her book, so why would she only lie about you?” Josh yells some more as all the girls walk over to Amanda to comfort her. I was a little annoyed that Jen told Amanda to follow her heart and not listen to other people, while Josh was 20 yards away, yelling like a maniac. A good friend would’ve been like, “See that over there? That’s the face of an aggressive, controlling abuser.”

Amanda decides she needs some time to think.

Josh tells Nick he “better hope everything is good with Amanda.” Nick: “Or what?” Josh: “You just better hope.”

Josh might be worse than Chad, because at least Chad was open about his aggression. Nick made a good point to the camera when he said that this was Josh trying to stay calm for the sake of the cameras, and yet he still exploded. Just imagine what he’s like when he’s not holding back.

josh yelling

Amanda decides that she can like whoever she wants to like, and tells Josh not to go home. (He packed his bags and was going to leave because he was so mad. Mature.) Josh shakes her like he’ll probably shake his future babies (sorry…) and makes her repeat herself six times and say “I trust you” until he feels like she means it. In an non-jokey way, I’m actually scared for her.

The next morning, Wells wakes up at a reasonable hour and takes a morning dip in the ocean. What a crazy first night in Paradise! Where is everyone this morning?

Wells, sweetie, remember no one else here has a real job that makes their internal alarm clock go off at 7 a.m. Paradise doesn’t start until 11 a.m. at the earliest.

Producers want to make sure that Ashley doesn’t remain calm for longer than a day, so they need Wells to go on a date with someone else. Perfect opportunity! They send in the new girl, Baby Jami from Ben’s season, the super young bartender who introduced me to the term “awko taco” and totally loves to be in the midst of drama, even though no one cares enough about her to include her in any drama.

The only person awake to greet her is Wells, which is fine with her, because she’s into him and asks him on her date.  There’s no one else around to ask, anyway! Wells says yes, but wants to talk to Ashley first. Too bad Ashley is still sound asleep. Before she wakes up, it’s already time for Wells and Jami to leave! Oh well!

Everyone braces themselves for Ashley’s breakdown when they show up at breakfast and realize that Wells is off on a date with someone else. Jared looks downright terrified.

Jorge the bartender speaks infinite wisdom with a simple, “The early bird gets the worm!”

At first, Ashley handles the news well. Nick and Jen, the first to tell her, look like they just dodged a bullet after they spilled the news. And they did. The dodged a freaking canon ball.

We quickly learn that the reason Ashley is so unfazed by Wells’ date with Jami is that she’s still 100% focused on Jared. It’s D-Day. Today, she’s going to break up Jared and Caila once and for all!

She unbuttons the top of her jeans shorts and rolls them down to reveal an area that can no longer be called her stomach. She puts on red lip stain to match her bikini top. It’s time to remind Jared who his “main chick” is.

ashley i main chick

Step 1: Get in Caila’s head. She sits down for another chat with Caila, this time telling Caila she doesn’t mind if Caila dates Jared, but…also, no one likes you, Caila. Is that a price you’re really willing to pay?

Caila breaks down relatively easily, and tells the camera that she can’t handle Ashley making everyone hate her anymore. Jared is not worth this treatment. She’s going to leave Paradise.

Ashley is pleasantly surprised about how easy that was. Don’t even need Step 2: Cry to Jared again!

The episode ends with Caila telling Jared she’s going home.

Oh, by the way, Wells and Jami had a nice time on their date.

NEXT WEEK (as in, tonight): Ashley says, “My job here is done,” as Caila prepares to go home, and Jared tries to decide if he should stay in Paradise or leave with Caila. Shushanna the Russian from Ben’s season shows up and asks Wells on her date, too. He likes Shushanna, Jami, AND Ashley. But who does he like the most?? Ashley calls Shushanna “Eurotrash,” because of course she does.

We’re also #blessed with some outtakes, courtesy of Nick’s impressions of everyone in the house. They’re HILARIOUS. Talk about a reputation comeback! Nick=nailing it. Josh=failing it.

nick impression

Major major major shout out to the 4 readers who Venmo’d  me Starbucks + wine money last week as fuel for these recaps and other blog posts! I still can’t believe that my silly request for writing fuel has resulted in real life acts of generosity! You guys have no clue how bad I needed that show of love– I was having a terrible day and your support really got me through it. So, EL, MM, JL, and VB, THANK YOU SO MUCH!!