I was late for work yesterday.

As in, I missed the first five minutes of Bachelor in Paradise.

I’d like to apologize to my clients for staying too long at a music rehearsal, carried away while singing “Home” from Broadway’s Beauty & the Beast. Sometimes Disney songs are simply too addicting, and I can’t pull myself away. But this is not Walt’s fault. I take full responsibility.

The good news is I have some excellent part time colleagues who graciously stepped in when I needed them most. As a matter of fact, I was in such a state of panic by about 7:50 p.m. that I texted four different people with a RED ALERT. One of them offered to call her brother and force him to watch it for me since she was in the car. I appreciated her willingness, but assured her that ruining her brother’s night was entirely unnecessary. Two others recorded video on their phones of their television screens, texting me the footage. That was excellent. And one was a blatant overachiever, who provided his own written recap of the first five minutes, from Carl’s new appearance in the opening sequence (completely underwater, I hear? Sounds dangerous), to Vinny’s Topshop white tee a.k.a. exit uniform. Pageant Chris, my hat goes off to you.

hats off

Monday night, Bachelor Nation was left hanging as Vinny patiently waited for Izzy to blow dry her hair. First of all, her hair was a curly, frizzy mess by the time she greeted him in the doorway, so either the humidity in Paradise is stronger than anything I’ve personally been exposed to, or editors were trying to make her seem more selfish than she actually is by inserting the sound of a blow dryer. We may never know the truth. What we do know for certain is that Izzy was throwing a lot of mixed signals by choosing to have this breakup conversation in nothing but a flimsy bikini top and white linen shorts. Classic “I want you to want me, but I don’t want you” outfit. Tighten up, Izzy.

When Vinny explains to her that he doesn’t understand why she wants to throw away their entireeee two week relationship for a shallow physical attraction to Lamp Guy, Izzy mumbles something about “other concerns” that she “wasn’t able to talk about.” If I were Vinny, I’d stop her right there and get some further clarification, but he skims right on over it and continues to tell her that any chance at a future together is ruined because now she’ll have to “hear all the things I said about you last night.” Editors really dropped the ball on that one, because we didn’t hear a single negative word out of Vinny’s mouth in regards to Izzy. All I’m imagining is that he was like, “that G**d**** F***ing B**** she’s a backstabbing whore of a girlfriend!”

Wait sorry, that second part was a direct quote from Ashley I about Caila.

So we clearly missed some excellent footage of Vinny bashing Izzy, leading him to believe that after hearing the things he said about her, Izzy and him will never have a shot at renewing their relationship. Nonetheless, Vinny is catching the next bus outta Paradise, which sends Izzy into hysterics. I guess she thought he was going to hang around and watch her make out with Brett..? IZZY LIKE SERIOUSLY JUST STOP.

There’s nothing more cringeworthy than the dumper wanting a reassuring, emotional hug from the dumpee, a la JoJo Fletcher. Like, no, just let him be. Let him go home to Mom and eat some homemade meatballs.

vinny's mom

Remember this? When Vinny’s mom came on After the Final Rose? She is the most stereotypical Italian Staten Island mom in existence minus the fact that they live in Florida. I LOVE HER.

I hate to throw this wrench in things, but I found out yesterday that Vinny recently liked multiple photos on my gorgeous gay friend’s Instagram– pictures from like, years ago. And he’s done that multiple times over the last few weeks. Either he has a publicist going through old photos on Instagram and liking them to get people’s attention to up his following, or Vinny has a crush on my friend. Who, by the way, is male and lives in Florida. So…I mean, my gaydar is usually pretty good and I never had any alarms going off in Vinny’s direction, but, like, stranger things have happened.

With Vinny gone, I fully expect to see Izzy and Brett’s relationship unfold, but we don’t see their faces for the rest of the episode, so for all I know, Izzy is still on the bed where Vinny left her, crying and getting frizzier hair by the second.

Evan is almost as heartbroken about Vinny’s departure as Izzy, crying to anyone who will listen that “Vinny deserved love!!” Carly looks annoyed. Brett looks guilty. Amanda looks hungry.

Everyone is so “shaken up” since the strongest couple in Paradise just broke up, so they’re in need of either a big Mexican fiesta or…better yet, a visit from Janner!

Newbies, I’ll fill you in: Janner is made up of Jade and Tanner, two people who look like siblings that fell in love during BIP last season, and proceeded to get married. They’re still happily married, which gives everyone in Paradise hope that this setting could work for them to find an endorsement partner a spouse, too!

Carly is Jade’s BFF, so she freaks out with happiness. Ashley knows Jade, too, so she gets equally excited even though Jade doesn’t really care about her.

Janner has a date card to give out to the couple they think has the most potential to be successful in the real world! My first thought is how embarrassing it’ll be for Carly to have to tell her best friend that she’s shacking up with the Erectile Dysfunction Specialist. My BFF would literally laugh, then slap me across the face.

Each couple sits down with Janner to answer their questions and try to prove why they’re the most solid couple. Janner’s evaluations go as follows:

Kevin: Tanner says that Carly is trying really hard to like Evan. Jade doesn’t say anything because she’s too loyal to openly make fun of her BFF.

Grace: They agree that Grant is crazy for saying I love you so soon, and Lace looks like she’s not into it.

Jamanda: Tanner says Josh is trying too hard and is putting on a show. Jade just rolls her eyes.

Jennick: There is no evaluation because there’s literally nothing to evaluate.

Jaila: Tanner is thrilled his buddy Jared seems to have found his perfect match. Jade agrees that they seem really natural together! We can see them falling in love!

Apparently Janner sits down with the solo kids, too, but the only one we’re #blessed to witness is their conversation with Ashley. Though I would’ve really appreciated seeing their reactions to Daniel the Alien.

Ashley tells Janner that Caila is two-faced, fake, and doesn’t like Jared as much as he likes her. Ash tells the camera she put the nail in the coffin for Jaila! There’s no way Janner will give them the date card! Plus, “Janner will always have a soft spot for me and Jared.”

And the date card goes to…

JAILA!!

Maybe I’m just in a Disney mood after my rehearsal, but Ashley looks exactly like an evil Princess Jasmine.

struggle bus

Jasmine begins praying to God which feels weird because shouldn’t Jasmine be consulting a Genie? Or maybe Jared’s the Genie and she’s gotta rub him the right way…whatever the case, here was her plea: “Dear God, please let help Jared know that Caila sucks.” I’m sure he really appreciated hearing from you, Ash.

Before Jaila leaves on their date, we watch a few relationships nose dive as a result of the meetings with Janner.

Lace realizes she doesn’t actually like Grant. Grant tries to have a serious conversation with her about her feelings while he’s wearing chubbies, and I just can’t. I simply cannot. They go around in circles without actually breaking up.

Jen realizes that Nick isn’t willing to open up at all, but she needs to dig a little deeper if she has a shot at staying in Paradise for longer than four days. He agrees to be a little more attentive. They’re both way too normal for this show, which is something I never could’ve predicted given Nick’s rich history as the villain who falls in love at the drop of a hat. It’s his third rodeo, and he seems to finally realize that these shows are more about the free drinks, and less about finding a wife. Ironically, I find myself wishing he’d fall in love with Jen. She’s like a way hotter version of that girl in 50 Shades of Grey.

And we’re off to the Jaila date! Janner sends them to the same river where they fell in love so many moons ago! Caila tells Jared she can’t keep dealing with Ashley, and thinks Jared’s friendship with Ashley is hindering their relationship. Jared agrees and promises to stop walking on eggshells around Ashley. Then, they make out at the dinner table in the pouring rain, as you do.

Next, they strip down to their underwear to jump in the river JUST like Janner did last season! It may have been an oversight last time for Janner to forget their bathing suits, but this time was well-planned. Jared donned a classic pair of black Calvin Klein boxer briefs. Caila wore full bottom black undies, and didn’t even have to take off her top, because all it was is a piece of jade green lace! An ode to Jade and Tanner, perhaps?

The screen cuts back and forth between Ashley crying (someone help this girl with her goal setting– only 3 times in a season was completely unrealistic) about how Caila has more sex appeal than she does, and glimpses of Jaila gettin’ down and dirty in the river. I’m horrified at how close they are to the boulders in the water, because snakes tend to hang out near large structures in murky, Mexican waters. At one point, Caila straddles Jared as he presses her against a rock and I look longingly around my living room, willing my husband to be back home from deployment so I can make a half-sexy, half-well-this-is-awkward face at him.

Ashley says that the worst scenario would be for Jared and Caila to leave the show engaged. WAIT NO. The WORST scenario would be them going to the Fantasy Suite together! Because, you know, they’d probably do stuff. Spoken like a true virgin!

Speaking of sex, Kevin is sitting by the pool, exuding zero chemistry. Carly asks Evan what his number is, and apparently it’s quite high, because she’s openly shocked. She tells the camera, “This guy has NO swag. He acts completely a-sexual! I don’t get it. Like, he never makes a move.” A few things Carly. 1) He’s probably lying about his number. 2) Women who claim a guy acts a-sexual are simply in denial about hanging out with a gay guy.

What do ya know, Evan gets a date card! The twins read it in unison, because that’s why they’re there.

Evan looks like a little girl who just found out she gets to play Clara in The Nutcracker.

evan gif date

He literally squeals as he asks Carly to join him. She looks mildly nauseous, but also determined to like him since he’s giving her attention, which basically never happens because she’s the mayor of Friendzone.

Carly is definitely right about one thing: She always gets the weird dates. Kevin arrives at a tiny Mexican hut, surrounded by native Mexicans in loin cloths and face paint. They strip down to their bathing suits, and crawl inside. It’s a sauna! Fun!

Kevin has to sit crosslegged in the sand, facing each other as the natives make the room hotter and hotter by feeding a fire-coal-rock thing in the center of the “room.” Through the buckets of sweat streaming down their faces, they’re instructed to tell each other why they’re falling in love with the other person.

Carly tells the camera that when Evan said, “You accept all of me, including my crazy,” Carly thought to herself, “I’m not sure I do…”, but then she decides she really likes him because he thought she was pretty when she was sweaty. Isn’t that what all girls are looking for??

“I’m so attracted to his soul that it’s making him look different to me…physically.”

He must have one helluva soul!

They end the date by slowly pouring bowls of water onto the other person’s head.

Thank God they cut to commercials, because I really needed time to process what I just saw. We pick back up with Ashley telling the camera that “I’m Jared’s main chick. I know how to stimulate him [insert naughty face] since I’ve known him for years. Caila can make out with him…but I can make out with his mind.”

She proceeds to tell Jared that everyone thinks he’s way more into Caila than she is into him. He says, “Yeah I know, I can see that, but I’m just trying to keep moving things forward.” Ashley assures him she isn’t saying these things out of jealousy, but also, Caila is a ROBOT, Jared! He says “I know you’re not saying these things out of jealousy.” Do you, Jared? Do you know?

ashley die gif

Jared confronts Caila. She says she really likes him, and that he shouldn’t listen to Ashley because obviously Ashley is in love with him, thus her motives are impure. While I do think Ashley is a nutcase with ulterior motives considering she openly said that she was going to mess with Jared’s head when it came to Caila, this tweet from Carly totally surprised me last night:

carly tweet

Though, is it really that horrible for a girl to be slightly unsure about her feelings when she’s dating a guy in front of cameras? Like, maybe a little hesitation is normal? I don’t know. I like Caila. I feel like any negativity from the other women towards her is coming from a place of envy because she is so naturally beautiful and intriguing. But that’s just my take on things.

Caila tells Jared she’s going to confront Ashley for trying to come between them, and make sure Ashley understands that she really likes Jared, and isn’t being fake! Jared clearly does not think this is a good idea. But there’s no stopping little Caila from trying to talk things out like an adult! Apparently, Caila doesn’t realize that Ashley is not an adult.

When Caila tries to explain that her not being head over heels for Jared after five days is actually a normal thing, not a sign that she doesn’t like him at all, Ashley just shrugs and says that she’s going to keep telling Jared things that she hears from other people in the house. Caila says, “We’re trying to make you as comfortable as possible.” At the word “we,” Ashley looks like she legitimately might hit Caila.

Caila goes on to say, “If you came here to meet other people, maybe you should focus on that.”

Ashley: “Well there’s no other people for me right now.”

Caila: “So you’re just going to focus on sabotaging other relationships for entertainment?”

Ashley looks cattier and more desperate by the second, and I want this conversation to end. Caila tells the camera that she’s not sure it’s even worth pursuing a relationship with Jared if she has to keep dealing with Ashley I.

ashely i cover

…To Be Continued!

Teasers for next week show Josh absolutely losing his mind over someone trying to come between him and Amanda. Veins bulge from his neck as he screams at all of the guys in the house. I just finished Andi Dorfman’s book, and I 1,000% believe everything she said about Josh being an emotional abuser with temper issues. I’m posting a review of the book here on the blog tomorrow, and I’ll give you more of the scoop then!

Today’s post is brought to you by yet ANOTHER reader who found me on Venmo and sent Starbucks money to carry me through these recaps! There is nothing that makes me smile bigger than when I get a notification with the coffee emoji. THANK YOU so much, E.S.! Knowing I get to bring smiles to random people out there gives me more motivation and encouragement than I can possibly express! You da best.

[snapchat, insta, twitter: @shannythegranny]