Before transitioning back into the world of Paradise by watching Daniel lay in bed and count his abs, we see that Josh Murray is officially added to the opening sequence! Except he has no sense of humor, because all he does is kick a football and smile. If he wasn’t willing to play fun, they should’ve made him kick a soccer ball at an angle that looks like it’s the soccer ball that hits Nick’s head in his opening sequence. I think they had that idea halfway through editing, because they did put Nick right after Josh, but it lacked continuity between balls. Lauren H’s worst nightmare!

lauren h balls

Side note, I totally expected to see Lauren H in Paradise. Next time, okay girl?? You’re too hilarious not to be on this show. You can be the new Carly in BIP 4. Just promise me you’ll think about it.

Daniel has 7 abs, in case you were wondering. Cut to Amanda and Josh making out on a beach bed. These two haven’t come up for air since their date, and it doesn’t look like they will break that streak anytime soon. You actually don’t get to see Amanda’s face at all this entire episode– only the back of her head with Josh’s hand on it.

Daniel’s voyeurism (remember Chad and Lace?) rubs off on Nick, so the two of them spend the entire episode (i.e. a day or two) watching Amanda and Josh swap spit. Or as Nick would say, “Josh has a healthy diet of Amanda’s tongue.”

Daniel is mostly watching Josh, and tells Nick he should go confront him because Josh is “flexing his muscles– they’re glistening!” Daniel Daniel Daniel.

Nick tells the camera that Josh is purposefully trying to irritate him, but it’s not working…even though it’s very clearly working.

Daniel tells the camera that he senses future tension between Josh and Nick, “which should be good [rubbing his palms together like he’s about to eat a steak].” PAUSE. “…for twisted people who like that sort of thing.”

daniel quotes twitter

Since he gave Sarah his rose two nights prior, Daniel now thinks that Sarah must like him. Newsflash, Daniel, women don’t like you because you give them a rose. That’s not how the rose works. Well, maybe for Sarah, because she’s a sucker for any sort of attention, but liking Daniel would be a stretch even for her.

Just as Daniel finishes his spiel about no one getting in his way of receiving Sarah’s rose this week, we catch a glimpse of brand new navy blue Vans. Gorgeous caramel mocha skin. Shorts that fit just right and a too-tight black v-neck tee serving as saran wrap for a non-steroidy, completely perfect upper body.

Christian the Hot Nerd has arrived.

He serves as a father figure to his two teenage brothers. He has a real job (gasp!) and likes sci fi. He’s even able to hold a normal conversation!! What. A. Dream.

Even more, he has liked my Instagram Recap teasers a few times, so maybe he’ll read this. Hi, Christian!

When he walks into the bustling madness, the girls don’t perk up quite as much as they did at the sight of Josh Murray, but Sarah looks relieved. He’s her ticket out of Danieltown.

Christian, the gentleman that he is, asks all the guys if they wouldn’t mind sitting down with him to relay information about relationships that have already formed. He doesn’t want to step on any toes! The guys all beat around the bush, none staking any claim. Except Josh, of course, who tells Christian he and Amanda are together, “so you wouldn’t get very far if you tried anything with her. Just looking out for you.” Josh, you need to calm down. A simple “Amanda and I are a solid item” would’ve done just fine. The condescending “just looking out for you” was completely unnecessary.

Oh, wait, while we’re talking about Josh’s attitude, can we just take a moment to review what I wrote about him and Nick right before the finale of Andi’s season?

“Josh seems like a stubborn guy, so I think he and Andi would end up fighting all of the time. Nick is just too different from Andi, so I think she’d eventually get bored and annoyed by him. He will probably end up dating someone from a different Bachelor season that he meets at an industry party, while Josh will probably fall in love with a Kansas City Chiefs cheerleader (his little brother just got drafted by the Chiefs). You can quote me on this in two years.”

It’s been exactly two years. I called pretty much everything except the Kansas City Chiefs cheerleader part. As far as Nick meeting another Bachelor alum at an industry party…well BIP is basically the same thing.

Christian tells the camera that he’s initially attracted to Amanda…

beer flavored nips

…and Sarah.

Daniel quietly pipes in that he likes Sarah, but all the guys roll their eyes and don’t respond. Stop being stupid, Daniel. They get up to rejoin the ladies, and Christian takes Sarah aside to chat on one of the beach beds with a glow in the dark canopy. (It’s nighttime.)

Christian asks Sarah how she’s doing. “Are you happy?” Gettin’ deep! After a few minutes of two serious and nice people being serious and nice together, Christian asks Sarah to join him on his date. What a concept, to do it privately instead of making a show in front of the rest of the group!!

Sarah says yes, duh.

The next morning, Daniel learns that Carly isn’t into Erectile Evan, especially after their horrifying habanero kiss experience. He tells the camera that he could help Evan become more attractive by doing something with his hair, shaving off his goatee, and helping him become “less Evanish.” Yes! I think we all agree that the only way Evan will ever get a girl is to become the exact opposite of himself. For once, that is very, very good advice. Thank goodness we have a resident gay in Paradise who gets excited about makeovers, both physical and internal!

Evan is sitting in the kitchen telling the guys about his habanero date with Carly the night before. “There were like, a thousand people there watching us!”

There were maybe 30.

He tells them there were fireworks when he and Carly kissed. It was perfect!!

Upstairs, Carly is telling Amanda and Izzy her version of the story. Yet again, she explains that Evan gives her erectile dysfunction, even though his whole job is to help guys get boners! But he needs to stop focusing on giving dudes boners and start concentrating on lady boners!

She also says that he’s really gross for trying to kiss her right after she threw up. Sick, Evan.

Today is the day she needs to cut the cord. I support everything she says and does during her breakup with Evan, except one thing. After giving him the friend talk in a trendy braided messy pony and black choker combo, she tells the camera that “since Evan is now my ex-boyfriend, I’m ready for new guys to show up.”

EX-BOYFRIEND CARLY?? REALLY?? Pull yourself together. I thought you were saner than that.

Jared puts things in perspective for her after Evan sulks upstairs. “You went on a date with a guy, and it made you throw up. I don’t think it was going to work out.”

Now I get the Jared Appeal.

Need I even include in this recap that Evan spends the rest of the day sobbing in his bed?

Oh, I guess Christian and Sarah are on their date while Carly is breaking up with her “boyfriend.” Cute. Viewers find ourselves thrust into a new scene of budding love, watching as Christian chivalrously helps Sarah repel down a rock wall (tough to do with one arm) and agrees for producers to let her straddle him Yib Yab style as they zip line through the jungle. Sorry, Mom!

He tells the camera that Sarah has a really sexy confidence– two words that have never been used to describe Sarah before this moment. “Sweet,” “cute,” and “insecure” tend to be the go-to adjectives with her. But I like Sarah and I like Christian, so I’m glad these two pretty weirdos are having such a nice connection.

christian and sarah

Meanwhile, Evan is trying to decide if he should send himself home, since he’s pretty obviously not going to get a rose from anyone. You should, Evan. You should just go.

Carly is waiting on pins and needles for the next newcomer to arrive. And it’s….

..?

Wait, is that a camera guy?

Someone named Brandon, who claims he was on Desiree’s season of The Bachelorette walks down the path to greet Chris Harrison at the gates of hell Paradise. Even CH says, “Are you sure you did the show? I’m pretty good with faces, and I have absolutely no idea who you are.”

HAHAHA, poor Brandon.

He’s hot though. Tall, sandy blonde hair swooped back exactly like JoJo’s fiancé Jordan, and rocking a very nicely fitted short sleeve button down. I’ll take it!

Upon arrival, Carly, too, wonders if he’s just a really good-looking crew member. As soon as she realizes that he’s fresh meat, she literally bolts out of her seat and runs toward him. Girl, I think you’re hilarious, but you’ve got to get that thirst under control!

Carly gets even more excited when she learns that Brandon was on the same season that her brother was on! Have you guys figured out yet that none of the casting on these shows is arbitrary?

Brandon takes Twin #2 (Haley) aside to chat, but Carly tells the camera she’s not worried because Haley is super boring. I’d say that’s mean, except it seems to be quite accurate. Even I am starting to tell the difference between the twins because Emily is the one who talks and smiles, while Haley is the one who doesn’t. Voila!

Brandon and Haley both speak in monotone, though, so this could be a match made in Heav…wait, Paradise.

After chatting with Haley, Brandon takes Carly aside. They seem to have a nice conversation. Carly’s so excited to go on the date with him!

Except he doesn’t ask her. He asks Haley.

carly head explosion

I guarantee you that he doesn’t want to date his friend’s little sister. Sorry, Carly. I’ve been there. It sucks, especially when your older brother has hot friends, but won’t let them talk to you.

Before Haley runs off with Brandon, her twin Emily gets totally smashed at the bar. After one beer. Amanda (oh, there’s her face!) tells the camera that Emily doesn’t drink much, so it’s hilarious when she does because she’s such a lightweight. This is true. Emily behaves like we all did the first night we ever drank, which is to be extra happy, compliment every woman we see, and tell our friends how much we love them. Then cry because we really want someone to braid our hair.

While drunk, she hatches a plan to secretly join her sister’s date. They’ll meet in the bathroom and switch clothes halfway through to see if he notices that he’s no longer talking to Haley!

Four hours later, when the date actually arrives, both twins realize that this plan isn’t nearly as fun when they’re sober.

Haley and Brandon talk over dinner for about 20 minutes, and she makes him say out loud that he can definitely tell her and her sister apart. She then excuses herself to go to the bathroom, where Emily is waiting to switch places.

When Emily sits down at the table with Brandon (dressed as Haley), Brandon has absolutely no clue. This makes Haley (who is watching from behind a corner) very sad. Especially when he tries to kiss her sister.

inappropriate

My husband cringes next to me because he feels so bad for Brandon. “No guy would ever know. It’s not his fault!!”

A few things are happening back at the house. Daniel is trying to convince Sarah to give her rose to him instead of to Christian. Sarah pretends to be torn, because she’s loving that for the first time in her life, two guys are fighting over her. Guys never like her because she’s so serious and awkward, so this brings her great joy. She even asks Daniel if he was jealous of her date with Christian today. Ugh. Then she goes so far as to tell him that when she was on the date, she thought “multiple times” how much more fun it would’ve been with Daniel. That’s such a lie. You just want Daniel to pine over you.

Izzy and Vinny, Lace and Grant, and Amanda and Josh have dubbed themselves the Sexy Six since they are the “official” couples of the house. All six of them lay side by side on a single beach bead and make out with their not-so-significant other. There’s no way anyone feels comfortable with full-on french kissing someone while two other couples dry hump right beside you…this seems to be a low point, even for reality stars.

Naturally, Vinny and Izzay and Lace and Grant stop partaking in this weird orgy once producers tell them they can quit. They sit up and start chatting with each other. Amanda and Josh keep at it. Someone get these two some chapstick!

While watching this uncomfortable scene unfold from the balcony, Evan decides that instead of going home after being dumped by Carly, he’s going to try to steal Amanda from Josh. WHAT UNIVERSE DO YOU LIVE IN EVAN??

The episode ends right as Evan interrupts Amanda and Josh’s makeout session to invite Amanda upstairs for a private lobster dinner. We don’t find out if the twins ever tell Brandon that he’s been duped.

brandon

Next week, on Bachelor in Paradise [insert Chris Harrison voice]: Josh shows us that his vicious rhetoric scares Evan almost as much as death threats from Chad. Caila, Ben Higgins’ #3 girl who was almost chosen to be the Bachelorette until JoJo sealed the deal, arrives in Paradise. Jared and Nick fight over her, and Twin #1 (Emily) cries because she thought Jared liked her. No, sweetie, Jared just needed a rose.

Great news, you guys. Just found out that BIP is only one hour on Tuesday nights. Don’t get me wrong, it’s entertaining, but 4 hours a week was really daunting. Three hours, I can handle. See you next time!