Chris Harrison’s opening lines were gold this week…as they are every week. Let me reiterate that whoever writes for this show was put on this earth to be my friend. If you ever read this, please call me.

CH starts by posing this question: “This week, will it be seduction…or destruction?”

A question for the ages.

CH also teases the return of Josh Murray, winner of Andi Dorfman’s season of The Bachelorette, Former Pro Baseball Player (not to be confused with Former Pro Quarterback or Former Competitive Swimmer a la JoJo’s season), and alleged emotional abuser (according to Andi’s Tell All book).

“Who will want a piece of his forbidden fruit?”

If you didn’t laugh when Chris Harrison said that line, you need to drink more wine. Loosen up. Get in the right mindset, because this show requires you to be all in. All in with the antics. All in with the cheesiness. All in with Carly’s commentary, because she’s freaking hilarious.

I already went over the intros last week, but this visual didn’t exist in my Google search. Now that it does, I’d like to share it with you all:

evan

The episode picks up with the cast still reeling about Chad’s early exit.

Lace: “I can’t believe he told everyone he wanted to murder their families.”

Jubilee: “For once, Chris Harrison won’t be lying when he says this is the most dramatic season ever.” LOL, true dat, Jubes.

Meanwhile, Chad is still arguing with Chris Harrison. He starts storming off down a dirt road, so CH asks him where he’s going (never getting closer than 15 feet to The Chad because he values his life). Chad responds, “I don’t know, maybe Tijuana.”

It’s only 1,333 miles away, no prob. (Googled it.)

Chad, I can literally see Tijuana from my grandmother’s backyard (no joke, this isn’t a Sarah Palin reference…I can legit see Tijuana from my grandma’s house) and all I’ve ever been told is that it’s not a place you want to go. Its criminals are known for luring in tourists by telling them their infant children need help. That’s some dark stuff, Chad, even for you.

Chad finally agrees to get in the rejection van, taking out his frustration by destroying a container of deli meat and pouring himself a plastic cup full of Johnny Walker Red. My theory is that producers are actually his BFFs, because they obviously provided him the liquor for the car ride. This was the plan all along.

Chad’s last words: “The girls were all vibin’ me until they realized they weren’t supposed to vibe with me because I’m the ‘bad guy.’ Whatever. Now I’m vibin’ my meat. Vibin’ my meat tastes.”

And with that, we say goodbye to the most murdery villain in Bachelor history.

Back at the “house,” Carly notes that with Chad’s exit, the women are even more at risk to not receive a rose, since one less guy will be handing them out. She’s the only girl on the island who can do that kind of math in her head.

Despite Carly openly telling producers to shut the gates and bolt it shut so that no more girls can join the party, in walks…

Wait..

Is that…?

What happened to her face??

Leah, known for lying to Ben about his future fiancé Lauren B and generally being a crazy nut who came out of nowhere, because she was literally not shown a single time on Ben’s season until the one episode when she turned into the devil, is in Paradise.

At least I think it’s Leah, because this is what we’re working with here:

leah then and now

Something happened to your face, Leah. Something bad.

 

Normally, I try to avoid profanity on this blog, but Twin #1’s reaction to Leah’s arrival was too good to ignore:

lying bitch

Even Leah’s outfit is evil, complete with a sinister black widow crochet top paired with a geometric mini skirt that I’m convinced is the pattern of villainous hypnosis.

Leah tells the camera that she’s “really close friends with Amanda and Lace.” Amanda’s face says otherwise. Lace is too drunk to figure out who Leah is.

All newcomers arrive with a date card, which they’re supposed to use immediately. That way they piss off lots of people in the first 5 minutes. It’s good T.V.

Unsurprisingly, Leah asks the crowd where dear old Chad is. She wants to take her fellow villain on a date! She also wants to get famous, and Chad notoriously gets a lot of air time!

Everyone looks at her like she just told them she enjoys eating her own feces, then they inform her that Chad is gone.

Leah: “Should I go find him?”

The twins, yet again, are managing to come across very smart and normal this season when compared to the rest of the crowd.

Once Leah realizes that The Chad is gone for good, she begins interviewing the rest of the guys. After a conversation with Daniel during which Daniel says, “If I were a guy, I’d feel lucky to be surrounded by the women here” (..? Daniel…you are a guy…I think he meant “straight” guy), Leah makes her way over to Nick.

Reminder: Nick and Amanda hit it off the night before. But this is only Day 2, so nothing is set in stone.

Nick openly tells Leah that he likes Amanda. Leah wants to be Amanda (more on that later), so she decides that Nick is her next best option after she was “blindsided” by Chad’s absence. So much for being Amanda’s “really close friend.”

Nick was the villain on both of his seasons of The Bachelorette, so it’s no surprise that Leah feels a connection with him.

Nick’s blondes spy on him and Leah, but they get caught. Nick thinks it’s funny and ditches Leah to come play with his posse.

nick and blondes

Amanda is relieved that Leah didn’t ask Nick on her date. What she doesn’t realize is that Leah actually wanted to do it in front of her. After Nick reveals to his blondes that he’s “7 and 3/8ths” (that’s very specific), Leah interrupts just as Twin #2 is bending over in front of the group to show them her scoliosis bump. I seriously couldn’t make this up if I tried.

Leah asks Nick on her date, and Nick says yes. Amanda is sad. The Twins are pissed.

As she walks out with Nick in tow, she says “Love you girls!” The blondes just stare at her with death in their eyes. Watch out, Leah, Amanda controls all the woodland creatures. One more move and she could call upon them to puncture your new lips.

The twins need a drink banana. They ask Jorge for two literal bananas. As they eat them, editors play 80s rock music and opt for 45 seconds of slow motion. Vinny and Jared are sitting nearby, looking awe struck and incapable of standing.

banana

If Evan was around, he’d totally want to join the party. Not the viewing party. The banana party.

Cut to a few hours later, and no one is at the bar except for Lace, complaining to Jorge that no one likes her enough to give her a rose. Jorge asks her why she would think that. Lace points out that she’s drinking alone at the bar. Jorge nods his head and pours her another shot.

Vinny wanders over, and Lace tells him he should go tell Grant the Firefighter that she likes him. Vinny tells her to act like an adult and tell Grant herself. She can’t adult because her giant eyelash extensions are bogging her down, so Vinny gives in and tells Grant to go find Lace.

Fifteen minutes later, Grant and Lace are making out on the beach. “Don’t worry, Lace, I’m pretending your night of straddling Chad never happened.” Success!

Nick and Leah’s day date is going well, mostly because they’re very drunk. Nick starts eating fried crickets like they’re candy. Leah wonders what it’d be like to do laundry on Nick’s abs. They stumble over to the beach shoreline and proceed to tell each other that they’re not sober (consent, though?), then play tonsil hockey.

leah block

Isn’t that the most evil top you’ve ever seen?

While they’re making all the tourists very uncomfortable, the screen keeps flashing back to Amanda Facetiming with her daughters, seeming very wholesome and nice.

*Nick being drunk.*

*Amanda squeaking out “I love yous” to her babies.*

*Leah shoving her tongue down Nick’s throat.*

*Amanda telling the camera that leaving her kids to come here was hard.*

My interpretation is that we’re supposed to believe that Nick and Amanda are not a good match. Which I don’t. I definitely don’t.

Leah and Nick return from their date before it’s dark out, describing their outing as “lovely.” What are you, British? You’re not hiding your wasty faces very well, you two.

After Nick has an hour or two to sober up, another date card arrives. It says, “Nick– there are no rules in Paradise. Your next date is tonight.”

Leah is so excited because this is the perfect opportunity to show the world that she can open up her mouth as big as Olivia’s, who stole the title of Top Villain on their season of The Bachelor. Leah’s still bitter that she wasn’t Top Villain, so now’s her time to shine.

olivia mouth

Sorry, Leah, you can’t beat the master.

Leah’s surprised open mouth immediately shuts when Nick asks Amanda on his date.

Everyone in the room literally cheers. Leah decides to get in Amanda’s head.

She follows Amanda upstairs to watch her get ready, and loudly yells in Amanda’s ear, “OMG we have the same makeup pallet! Stop trying to be me, Amanda!” Leah thinks she’s coming across half-jokey, half-intimidating, when in reality she’s coming across like a drunk witch.

The Twins note that Leah looks nothing like Amanda, and needs to stop saying they look alike. Amanda’s like, 500 times prettier and has way cuter off-the-shoulder tops, GOD LEAH.

After Amanda deals with Leah yelling in her ear for 30 minutes, they head downstairs to sit on a couch with everyone else until Nick comes to “pick her up.” Leah yells, “Are you tense?? Why do you look tense??”

Amanda does an amazing job not snapping at Leah to shut her trap. I would’ve said something snarky to Leah like, 800 different times by now.

Nick doesn’t look her in the eye once on their date. Amanda thinks it’s the best first date ever. Nick is still drunk from his Date with Leah, so he’s not sure how to feel. They end up making out next to a bonfire, because duh.

While Nick tries to call Amanda the correct name on Beach #4, Vinny is back on Beach #1 testing out his chemistry with both Izzy and Serious Sarah. I think he thinks Sarah is prettier, but has better chemistry with Izzy. He’s not given enough airtime for us to really know what’s going on, but that’s my professional opinion.

We also get a glimpse of Evan the Erectile Dysfunction Expert and Carly talking on one of the many beach beds. Carly has had enough to drink to be halfway interested in kissing him, but laments to the camera that he’s too feminine. Wait…one more time…

evan

As they head to [separate] beds, Evan finally makes the move to kiss her. He spends the next hour laying in bed playing with his nipples, thinking about how amazing their kiss was. He tells the camera that he felt “explosions.”

Finally, we get some feedback from Carly.

“I don’t know how that man has two children. He can’t even get it together for a kiss. That kiss was TERRIBLE.”

Carly will always be my favorite.

Lace and Grant are still going strong. They decide to throw a blanket over the camera in the bedroom so they can spend the night together. The blanket falls off. They weren’t sleeping.

Lace: “I don’t really have any expectations…but all I’m saying is that I better get his rose.”

Gross.

It’s now Day 3. Time for the first Rose Ceremony. The girls spend all day getting ready, except Leah, who spends all day trying to blow up a white swan float with her mouth. She can barely talk normally with her new lips in the way, much less wrap them around a blow hole. She’s numb from the nose down.

Before the Rose Ceremony is a Cocktail Party, where the girls have one last chance to make a connection with a guy, thus securing a rose.

Jubilee and Jared had a date the night before, but based on the fact that she didn’t even put on any makeup for the Rose Ceremony, I don’t think she has high hopes to stay. Jared is more interested in Twin #1 (Emily). Poor Haley can’t catch a break. She looks exactly like her sister, but never gets any attention.

Sarah and Izzy make a final play for Vinny’s rose. Vinny kisses both of them. After their one-on-one times, my husband and I make our predictions:

Doesn’t my husband look so pretty with his butterfly crown? [Follow me on Snapchat @shannythegranny]

Nick straight up tells Leah that he’s giving his rose to Amanda. Leah is majorly distressed. How does the nice girl keep winning?? No time for voodoo quite yet. Onto Plan B: Daniel.

Yeah, Daniel the [gay] Canadian who can’t stop referring to himself as an eagle, has to give out a rose. Even though he hasn’t talked to a girl all week, and couldn’t hold a normal conversation if his life depended on it. He thinks all the girls are pigeons unworthy of his eagleness, yet he likes the power.

Leah, Sarah, Izzy, and Jubilee all take a stab at conversing with him in case their top choices gives a rose to someone else. None of them are successful in getting Daniel to engage like a normal person, but Sarah seems to have the best shot at receiving his rose…despite Daniel telling the camera that if he were to “bang” one of the girls tonight, he’d choose one of the twins. We all know you’d choose Evan, Daniel. And Evan would choose you.

Rose Ceremony:

Grant gives his rose to Lace.

Nick gives his rose to Amanda.

Evan gives his rose to Carly.

Jared gives his rose to Emily. (Twins come as a pair, so Haley gets to stay, too.)

Vinny gives his rose to Izzy. *Called it in the Snapchat video!! Love you, honey, but you can’t out-predict a Bachelor expert*

Daniel gives his rose to Sarah.

Jubilee and Leah are heading home.

Jubilee says she’s not that disappointed that Jared didn’t give her the rose, she’s more disappointed that she was interested in a guy who would like stupid identical twins. Jubilee, aren’t you supposed to be BFFs with the Twins? Harsh.

Leah has slobber on her chin from crying, but the bottom half of her face is too numb for her to feel it.

The next morning, all the girls are in a great mood because the tables have turned. This “week” (2-3 days), they have the power to hand out roses.

A new guy arrives! Josh Murray!

His ex-fiancé and former Bachelorette, Andi Dorfman, claims that at one point, she was afraid Josh might murder her. He seems charming enough to me!

All the girls agree that Josh is now the hottest guy in the house. Nick looks miserable. He and Josh were Andi’s #1 and #2, so he doesn’t want to lose out to this guy again. Spoiler: Nick will always lose.

Josh has his date card, and talks with all the girls in the house to figure out who he wants to take. Carly is already his resident BFF girl friend, so she gives him the scoop. Nick already took Amanda on a date and gave her his rose, buddy. This only makes Josh want Amanda more.

Unsurprisingly, he asks Amanda to join him on the date. They hang out on a mini yacht all day, jumping into the water and snorkeling before sharing long kisses on the deck. Amanda asks him about the things Andi said in her Tell All book, and Josh assures her it’s all fabricated. This is all Amanda needed to hear. She’s got that look of stars in her eyes. Ruh roh.

josh and amanda

Evan also gets a date card, and asks Carly to join him. Carly has had a full night to sleep on her feelings about that terrible kiss, and is now 100% off the Evan train. She still says “yes” though, because she needs to string him along until another guy arrives in Paradise who will willingly give her a rose each week.

Their date consists of Chris Harrison hosting a game-show of sorts, with lots of tourists watching as Carly and Evan try to break the Guinness Book of World Records time for the longest habanero kiss.

What is a habanero kiss, you ask? Well, Evan and Carly have 30 seconds to each eat a habanero (the hottest pepper in Mexico), then they have to lock lips for at least 90 seconds.

Carly assures the camera that she would rather be dumped by a man she loves than do this with Evan. This quote was the best:

erectile dysfunction

They complete the challenge, and then run off to the bathroom to vomit. Carly tells the camera that it wasn’t just the pepper that made her sick. In all fairness, I almost vomited watching their saliva string between their mouths as they pulled apart from the kiss. I would post it here, but it’s too gross. You can Google if you so please.

Everyone is having a better night than Carly, including Twin #1 (Emily), even though she can’t get Jared to kiss her. Vinny tells the camera that Jared needs a shot of testosterone in the butt. After what seems like an eternity of Emily literally rolling on top of Jared in a beach bed, she finally gives up and begins walking back to the house. Jared realizes that he’s an idiot, grabs her arm, and plants one on her. Emily is pleased. Jared is pleased because he’ll probably get Emily’s rose, which will allow him to stay another week and hopefully meet a new girl that he actually likes (cough Caila cough).

Amanda and Josh return from their date and continue to kiss in front of everyone. Nick is angry. He tries to confront Josh, but Josh shuts him down with enough condescension that I’m prone to believe all of Andi’s stories.

The episode ends with Amanda and Josh making out on a beach bed while Nick starts hatching a plan to destroy them.

Teasers: Nick gets all the guys on the house to gang up on Josh. Christian the Hot Nerd from JoJo’s season shows up and hits it off with Serious Sarah. Carly tells Evan she doesn’t like him. Evan decides to try and steal Amanda from Josh (LOLOLOLOLOL).

Thanks for bearing with me, everyone. This show is a LOT to cover.

twins gif