For those of you who read my recaps without watching the show, let me make it clear that Bachelor in Paradise does not take itself seriously…and neither should you. Not that you should take The Bachelor seriously, but BIP is a different level of crazy antics. The whole thing is basically a reality show making fun of reality shows, and everyone involved knows it (except Sarah, bless her, who thinks it’s a show about finding love).

Producers make their intentions very clear from the opening credits, which are set to an 80s pop version of the song “Almost Paradise” from the Broadway musical Footloose. The cast introductions unfold as follows:

Amanda, the chipmunk-voiced mom from Ben H.’s Season, who I can only identify by her collar bones thanks to her addiction to bohemian off-the-shoulder non-shirts. Blows kiss to the camera, because she’s in the Top 2 for the most normal people in attendance.

Jared, the guy with the patchy facial hair and squarest jaw of all time from Kaitlyn’s season, known for being last BIP season’s unrequited lover of Ashley I aka Kim Kardashian aka The Virgin. Leans on a high top table and pretends to topple over when the table collapses.

Jubilee, the military chick from Ben H.’s season who made all the other black girls on her season (so, 2 girls) mad when she said she was the blackest of them all; remembered for her chest tattoo, gorgeous body, and horrible social skills. Prances on the beach, doesn’t need any props to be awkward.

Nick, one of the most high profile BIP 3 cast members because he was on not one, but TWO seasons of The Bachelorette, getting dumped TWICE as the number 2 guy as he was about to propose to Andi, then Kaitlyn. He’s always hated by the men in the house for being fake (#villian) and hated by Andi and Kaitlyn for being unclassy with his comments about them post-show. Takes selfie on the beach and proceeds to get hit in the face with a flying football.

Evan, the erectile dysfunction expert (and former pastor!!) from JoJo’s season, known for his obsession with The Chad, getting his shirt ripped by The Chad, and secretly wanting to bang The Chad. Slowly eats a banana* while giving the camera side eye.

*The banana represents a penis.

Twins, as in, the professional twins from Ben H.’s season. One is named Haley and the other is named Emily, but we’ll never know which one is which. Pop out from behind either side a surfboard.

Vinny, Bachelorette JoJo’s BFF during her season, known for being the resident hairdresser. You can thank him for keeping Jordan and Robby’s long locks looking fresh. Does karate moves while looking confused.

Carly, from Farmer Chris’ season, often made fun of for her terrible eyebrows, clings tightly to her title of Best Friend to Jade, who married a guy she met on BIP last season. Also the funniest girl on the show who always gives amazing commentary. Pours vodka down her chest while throwing her head back and wading in the pool.

carly intro

Daniel, the “Lambo” (because he refers to his body as a Lamborghini) from JoJo’s season. Commonly known as the stupid Canadian, Chad’s best friend, and the guy who used Mussolini as an example of how to upgrade your personality. Oh, and I’d bet my entire savings account that he’s gay. Stands on the beach with the camera pointed from the ground up to highlight his Canadian flag speedo as he pours a bottle of syrup all over his face.

Izzy, a nobody from Ben H.’s season who got sent home the first night because she showed up to the black tie cocktail party in a onesie pajama suit. She’s hoping to become the next Lacy, who got dumped on the first night by Farmer Chris, and was determined to make her mark on television by becoming the most annoying, thus memorable, person on Bachelor in Paradise. With a name like “Izzy”, I suspect she’ll give Lacy a run for her money. Holds two pineapples like coconuts over her breasts.

Grant, whose chin could be considered a weapon, was on JoJo’s season. He’s the firefighter who lasted at least 4 episodes, but is still almost as forgettable as Izzy. Sensually blows out a candle and lets the smoke billow into his face.

Lace, the chronically drunk girl from Ben H.’s season who told Ben she wasn’t crazy every chance she got, therefore revealing that she is, in fact, crazy. Makes cheersing motion with a drink, which throws her off balance, so she falls to the ground, but holds up the drink (good save!) so that it remains in the camera shot.

Sarah, the cute blonde who was born with only one arm, featured on Sean Lowe’s season of The Bachelor way back in the day. Although she’s loved by all the contestants, she showed us last season on BIP that she has absolutely no game when it comes to men, and also takes this show way too seriously. I have no clue what she did for her opening shot because I was too distracted explaining how crazy Lace is to my husband.

Chad, i.e. The Chad from JoJo’s season. You may recall his love of deli meat, steroids, and murder. He is the most villainy villain of all time, but not because he manipulates women and breaks their hearts, but because he tries to kill people with his bare bear hands before he even has time to manipulate women and break their hearts. For all we know, he could be an excellent husband (as long as you don’t screw up and make his sandwich wrong). Makes his pecs dance for the camera.

SUPPORTING CAST:

Jorge, the Mexican bartender at the hotel, who became a sounding board for all of the drunk contestants last season, so now he gets his own introduction. He is the reason these people can’t form sentences 90% of the time.

Chris Harrison, The Host, Dad, Security Manager, and Linen Pants Aficionado.

Whewwwwweeeee! And that was just the opening credits!

For the record, I didn’t make up any of the italicized intro moments. That’s how you know this show’s not trying to be anything it’s not.

Chris Harrison kicks things off with a drink in his hands, a gentle breeze billowing through his white linen pants, and a wink at Jorge. He explains that this sea behind him is “as salty as the tears of the brokenhearted.”

twins tears

Whoever writes for this show is the best friend I haven’t met yet.

Before official arrivals, we get some reminder videos of the cast. They include the Twins talking in unison and playing leapfrog, explaining to the camera that “our noses are different, our butts are different, our personalities are different– if you love us, you’ll be able to tell us apart!” We’re also blessed with an amazing scene of Erect Evan buying a new maroon t-shirt since Chad ripped his last one, Near-Miss Nick showing off his anti-dad bod in a crossfit gym (he’s 35 now, so he’s gotta step up), The Chad feeding Hillshire Farm turkey slices to his maltese-yorkie puppy (named Pumpkin), and Drunk Lace drinking wine while doing yoga.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t include this direct quote from Daniel the Lambo, as well, as he explains why he’s coming on the show: “I’m like a disease that just wont go away! Like herpes or something. [Pause] …I don’t know if I want to be associated with herpes…but it’s treatable now anyways so it’s not a big deal.”

Somebody get this guy his own show.

As the contestants arrive in “Paradise” one by one, they’re greeted by Chris Harrison, who lets each of them explain how hopeful they are to find the love of their life on this show. The real purpose of these entrances are so viewers have to strain to hear what the cast members are saying over the outrageously loud chirping of parakeets. And then you realize that the joke’s on you. They mic’d up those parakeets just to make this whole thing a tad more ridiculous.

Chipmunk Amanda arrives first, setting the tone of normalcy. At first, I thought the parakeet chirping noises were just her saying nonsense, and then I realized she was actually talking, but her voice blended in a little too well with the birds. Anyway, she has two kids and a nice personality. Maybe there’s hope for romance in Paradise after all! Thank god she was wearing a boho, off-the-shoulder maxi, otherwise I may have mistaken her for one of the Twins.

Near-Miss Nick is next to arrive. Based on teasers, he and Amanda hit it off in the beginning, which now seems to be a purposeful move by producers to give them some built-in alone time from the very start.

Nick looks good, I can’t lie. But it’s like he needs someone to vacuum suck all the saliva out of his mouth when he talks.

Awkward Jubilee strolls in next, thigh tat out and facial powder still at home. The forehead shine is real. She third wheels Amanda and Nick for a while before saying, “Oh, look! The penis guy is here!” as Erectile Evan walks in.

Amanda and Jubilee agree that Erectile Evan is much better looking in person. I sure hope so.

Evan immediately falls in love with Amanda, and I quote “Amanda melts my freakin’ heart with her freakin’ cuteness.” And there’s that former pastor coming out of him.

Hairdresser Vinny comes in with a freshly waxed chest, Comedic Carly goes sans bra in a backless maxi, and Grant with the Chin dons his favorite pair of Hawaiian chubbies. His legs are so skinny that I question his ability to adequately fight fires in a heavy uniform, but at least he’s tall I guess…

Daniel the Lambo finally walks in, wearing jorts that are cuffed above the knee and a chambray button down with gold star lining. He looks around at Amanda, Jubilee, and Carly, then tells the camera he’s not impressed with his choices. “I’d have to be white girl wasted to touch any of them.”

YEAH, because you’d need all that alcohol to forget the fact that you’re not attracted to women.

daniel syrup

Evan perks up when he sees Daniel, because he knows that means Chad will probably arrive soon. Evan hates loves Chad.

Everyone starts talking about what it’ll be like to meet Chad.

Nick: “If he doesn’t come in eating a sweet potato, I’ll be very disappointed.”

Jubilee: “I like savage people.”

Serious Sarah (who just arrived): “Maybe he’s just misunderstood, and the kind of bad boy you get to know and then fall in love with.”
Comedic Carly (response): “That makes me really sad about life.”

Carly, you slay. Sarah, I hope you know that Carly isn’t sad that Chad is misunderstood, she’s sad that you’re the kind of girl who likes abusive projects.

The Twins roll in, and finally Daniel the Lambo seems pleased with what he sees. Because gay men in the closet can only be intrigued by outlandish female stereotypes/fantasies, i.e. twins.

Awkward Jubilee starts telling everyone that she’s waiting for the guy who’s on her “hit list.” Jubes, that’s not the correct use of the term “hit list.” Though, I’m sure you’re well acquainted with real life hit lists, because if I remember correctly from Ben’s season, I think you may have killed someone before..? At least for the time being, I’m going to assume that when you say “hit list” in Paradise, you mean a guy you want to seduce. Like, “I’d hit that!”

Kids these days say that, right?

I guess this would be a good time to explain that contestants are told ahead of time who will be joining them in Paradise. That way, they can start hatching their devious plans weeks in advance.

My guess is that the mystery guy on Jubilee’s hit list is Chad, because they have shared common interests– namely, murder.

Izzy shows up in a red cut out dress, and everyone gives her a blank stare. No one has any idea who she is. She’s okay with that, then starts immediately making her rounds with each guy. Lacy #2, called it.

Lace arrives with the most ratchet weave I’ve ever seen, telling everybody that she’s a changed woman who has control over her drinking habits and emotions. When she’s done giving her speech, she heads straight to the bar. Actions speak louder than words, Lace.

Patchy Face Jared is next to join the party, and Jubilee’s jaw immediately goes slack. Watch out, Jared. You’re on her hit list. But before Jubilee can pee on him, Serious Sarah pulls him aside. As Vinny pointed out, Jared is a hot commodity in Paradise! It’s that swanky restaurant manager vibe!

jared

RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE.

*chirp chirp chirp*

Palm trees aggressively swaying in the wind!

Is it an earthquake??? Or…could it be…CHAD!!!!!!!!

The Chad walks in. The girls quiver in their undies. Evan gets giddy. Daniel drops trou.

Lace claims there was instant chemistry when he looked in her eyes. And we all know how Lace feels about eye contact. Remember– she told Ben H. that he didn’t look her in the eyes during the rose ceremony on the very first night, and that HURT HER FEELINGS BUT I’M NOT CRAZY I SWEAR.

Chad apologizes to Evan right off the bat, and Evan is visibly disappointed. He lives for the drama. He practically squealed, “Here! Rip this shirt I’m wearing!”

Since the motley crew has all arrived, Chris Harrison gathers them together to explain the “rules.”

Rule #1: There are no rules.

You get no prize for staying in Paradise. Just the reward of finding love.

Cheapest show of all time. Mike Fleiss is patting himself on the back.

On alternating weeks, the guys or the girls will be in charge of handing out roses. This week, there are more girls than guys, so guys will have the roses. If you’re a girl who does not receive a rose from one of the guys at the end of the week, you’re going home.

Make someone like you or perish.

Oh, by the way, the Twins come as a package. If one gets a rose, the other one gets to stay, as well. This way, you don’t ever have to know which one you’re actually talking to.

From this point forth, they stop putting “Haley” or “Emily” beneath a twin as she gives commentary to the camera. Instead, they put “Haley OR Emily.” HAHAHAHAHAHA.

haley or emily

Here’s how the rest of the night unfolds:

  • Chad finds the deli meat in the fridge and starts chowing down
  • Chad and Lace get drunk and hook up in every corner of the house

chad and lace

  • Nick starts collecting blondes one by one until all blondes are gathered around him on a bench
  • Jubilee gets a date card and is allowed to ask someone on a date, and obviously asks Jared
  • One of the twins is jealous because she likes Jared, too
  • Sarah likes Jared, too
  • Your mom likes Jared, too
  • Jorge gives out more shots than Doctors Without Borders
  • Chad and Lace start punching each other while they’re making out
  • Vinny and Izzy become inseparable
  • Carly hits it off with Erectile Evan
  • Daniel gets jealous of Lace making out with Chad, so he stands over them and watches
  • Nick: “You know how rats have lots of sex with each other, but also eat each other? That describes Chad and Lace.” Couldn’t have described it better myself.
  • Jubilee and Jared’s date takes place inside of a piñata nightmare, clown included
clown

I had to take a picture of my screen because I wasn’t sure if I was hallucinating.

  • Jared is not into Jubilee at all, which means he might end up on her actual hit list
  • Daniel says he wasn’t even attracted to JoJo (shocker)
  • Chad and Lace start actually punching each other, not in a flirtatious way
  • Sarah cries because Chad isn’t a project she’s ready to take on
  • Chad calls Sarah “Arm-y McArmerson” because she only has one arm
  • Chad tells Daniel he sucks because Daniel’s being so “unmurdery” (??HELP??)
  • Finally, Chad gets so drunk that he passes out and poops his pants (literally happened, you guys)

There was just no way I could write all of that in paragraph form. Would’ve been an impossible task.

The next day, Dad Chris Harrison gathers everyone together, tells Chad this was his second chance to prove he wasn’t a jackwagon, so now that he failed, he has to go home.

Chad gets mad at Dad because Dad is unfair and irrational and Mom would’ve let me stay.

Lace, thrilled that she’s not the craziest one for once in her life, starts lecturing Chad about being responsible for his actions.

Remember when you were straddling him in the hot tub last night, making out and then whistling at him like a puppy when he was too far away from you? But yeah, you’re right, Lace. Chad’s definitely the only crazy one here!

Despite Chad’s rant at Chris Harrison (“You were probably drinking a mimosa in a robe last night before bed! What do you even know about life???”), apparently he does not leave. “…TO BE CONTINUED” flashes on the screen, leading into teasers for next week, when Chad throws drinks at everyone, walks in on Grant hooking up with Lace (she moves on quickly), and Evan being loaded into an ambulance.

Dear. God.

The way this twisted T.V. show works is that new people show up each week to throw a wrench in things, coming in between people who’ve started forming “relationships,” and stealing people’s roses. We can expect to see the following people join the chaos over the next few weeks:

Caila, the cute asian from Ben H.’s season who came in 3rd and was supposed to be The Bachelorette until JoJo stole her thunder.

Josh Murray, the winner of Andi’s season, who Andi dumped because she claimed he was an abusive hot head.

Jen, the pretty brunette from Ben H.’s season who never said a word, but is memorable because she was the only brunette in the entire bunch.

Wells, the skinny kid from JoJo’s season who got dumped after finally kissing her.

Ashley I, the virgin from Farmer Chris’ season who is in love with Jared.

carly mouth

…and that’s all I could catch glimpses of in the teasers.

Dancing with the Stars starts in September, which means BIP 3 only gets one month of air time. Therefore, it hits the airwaves both Monday AND Tuesday nights for the next four weeks. I was not prepared for this level of density. But thanks to the Starbucks money that a few readers have sent my way as a token of support for my recap brain power, I will persist.