Well, everyone. You did it. Take a moment and pat yourselves on the back. Through deli meat and bloody noses, through Yib Yab, sexual activity with horses, an endless array of skinny jeans, and the greatest music video of all time for “Don’t Cry For Me, Argentina”, you’ve successfully completed your Bachelorette 2016 journey.

JoJo is engaged. “Happily” engaged? Perhaps not. But she’ll be darned if she doesn’t get at least six months of endorsements out of it!

The finale is a “live event”, so we were graced with the presence of Chad (and his personal security guard), some people from BIP 3 that don’t matter, and of course, last season’s happy couple: Ben and…wait, is that Lauren? Has Ben forgotten to feed her? She’s a mere ghost of the former Lauren, who had cute rosy cheeks and regular skinny girl arms. Now, there’s barely enough room for her eyes, nose, and mouth to all fit on her teeny tiny, fatless face. Someone give that girl a sandwich. Not trying to bash. I love Lauren. All I’m saying is, food is not the enemy!! Leah is.

leah

By the way, we should use the term “live event” lightly, because all it means is that a studio audience watches the episode together, while Chris Harrison intermittently leads us back in from commercial breaks with live, unnecessary segues.

The non-live, regular finale episode that was filmed 2 months ago brings us back to our comfort zone, which is watching JoJo aimlessly stroll around a foreign city in as many different outfits as she can, most of which show all of her boobs or all of her legs or– when we’re lucky– both. Her Trusty White Jorts definitely deserve a shout out of their own, as they’ve graced us in every single episode, and will not disappoint today, either.

She greets her family, who all flew out to Thailand to meet her final two men boys. Unless I was momentarily distracted by asking my husband to pour me a glass of wine, I don’t think we were ever given a rundown of who everybody is. Obviously, Mom is the one with the features that were at one point human, but now straddle the line of platypus and feline. That’s not a bad thing, you guys. I actually think JoJo’s mom is awesome. This will always be her legacy:

jojo mom gif

Her dad is the man with the mustache, which I’m sure intimidated the hell out of Jordan, since he couldn’t grow facial hair if his life depended on it.

Then there are the two less-than-straight-looking guys sitting next to Dad, which I believe are the pesky brothers from last season. I definitely recognize the one that was on the other dating show with that guy who took me on a date once. That brother’s name is Ben. Look! I can use this picture again, which I worked so hard on last season!

ready for love 1

The other brother doesn’t matter because he’s the only Fletcher kid who hasn’t successfully combined his burning desire for both love and fame. Black sheep of the family. His parents must be so ashamed of him.

The last family member in attendance was a mute brunette who was much too average-looking to share Fletcher blood. I can only assume she’s the family maid/Dad’s mistress.

Jordan arrives to meet the fam first, wearing a skin tight grey tee and navy blue jeggings. His hair has grown so long that he can barely keep it swooped back in his normal Jimmy Neutron style, but his flexible hair gel did a commendable job holding on for dear life.

Jordan’s opening line to the Fletchers is that he was really skeptical of the show before coming on, and that his favorite part about JoJo is how easy it is to make fun of her. Then he passes silly hats around the table for everyone to put on, that way they can laugh at each other the same way he laughs at JoJo.

This blatant editing to make Jordan look like he’s not ready for marriage (which he’s probably not) screams “HE IS THE WINNER.” Whoever seems like the wrong choice in the final episode is always the winner.

JoJo’s mom tells JoJo that she likes Jordan, but he’s almost too likable. A playboy. He’ll steal all of the attention in the room, which is usually JoJo’s job. JoJo nods and half-heartedly agrees (you’re right, Mom, I do like all of the attention), but doesn’t really seem to care about her mom’s assessment of Jordan’s personality. Mom tells the camera that JoJo isn’t listening to her concerns because she’s too blinded by her love for Jordan. I think JoJo just has a hard time understanding what her mom is saying, because Mom’s platypus lips were not constructed for talking. Again, no hate.

Dad echoes Mom’s fear about Jordan being too nice and fun to be around. JoJo should’ve listened to Chad from the beginning.

nice guys

Other than JoJo’s conversation with her mom, the rest of the interactions were pretty standard. Family members grill Jordan about his dedication to JoJo, Jordan flashes his beautiful smile and assures them he won’t break her heart. The brothers have definitely taken a chill pill since last season. Either that, or they just really hate tall guys with normal jobs, i.e. Ben Higgins.

Jordan does not ask for her parents’ blessing to take JoJo’s hand in marriage, because it feels wrong to ask them for their blessing when their daughter doesn’t yet know if he’s even the one she wants to marry. Valid. JoJo and the family do not think this is valid, but more on that later.

After the commercial break, Robby rolls up to meet the parents in a collared shirt, which I commend. Except he only halfway succeeds in looking like a gentleman, because the shirt is unbuttoned down to his first set of abs, revealing lots of chest hair and a navy blue wife beater. I’m a fan of chest hair (it would be a major problem in my marriage if I wasn’t), but I wouldn’t suggest shoving it in the faces of your future in-laws. On the other hand, I would’ve dropped the wife beater. If you’re going to go for it, go big or go home.

JoJo wears a knee length summer dress, which looks ridiculous on her. Not ridiculous because it’s ugly, but ridiculous because whenever she wears something that long, it’s always tight enough to cut off her circulation. What is this billowy, conservative thing? It looks like something a normal girl would wear. JoJo, you’re not normal. Stop that.

JoJo’s mother’s simple v-neck royal blue dress is everything.

jojo mom dad

When the family asks Robby what attracts him to JoJo, he starts by saying that she’s intelligent and smart. I’d razz him for using synonyms, but reward him for not saying “beautiful” first. Guys always start with, “well, of course she’s beautiful…” I appreciate Robby leading with a trait that actually matters.

As I find myself enjoying Robby for the first time this entire season, I realize the editors have REALLY turned it up. She’s definitely going to choose Jordan.

Robby asks Mom and Dad for Joelle‘s hand in marriage, with an entire speech that even had me convinced he was genuine. Either he’s an amazing actor, or he’s one of those guys who gets really swept up with a girl, then bored 3 months later. Whichever one, this speech is bullcrap beautiful. I’m falling for it hard.

After he leaves, JoJo’s family says they like his calm and serious vibe. They don’t know the real Robby:

robby the bachelorette

JoJo’s dad starts crying after talking with Robby, which we’re led to believe is because he’s so touched by Robby’s love for JoJo. In reality, he’s devastated to realize that both of JoJo’s remaining suitors are either gay or fame hungry or both.

The Fletchers sit down and tell JoJo to pick Robby. They tell her that former swimmers are more trustworthy and stable than former football players, because no one cares about swimmers even when they’re good. Meaning Robby is a hair less (pun intended) self-absorbed than Jordan. Mom straight up says, “Robby is more husband material.”

JoJo cries. They ask her if she’s crying because she actually wants to choose Jordan. She says “no,” but we’re looking at a classic case of no means yes.

no gif

After she promises she doesn’t favor Jordan, and her family lists off 80 other reasons she should choose Robby (including the devastating news that Jordan did not ask for her hand in marriage), JoJo needs some final clarification.

“So…you’re all team Robby?”

In unison (except for the mute mistress): “NO!! Of course not, sweetie.”

So, I guess mixed signals run in the family.

JoJo needs a commercial break to get ready for her final dates with Robby and Jordan. I see that ABC is now airing commercials for The Miss America Pageant, which reminds me that I need to get crackin’ on this year’s Top 10 prediction list. Those poor girls are deep in the heart of carb deprivation right now. Makes me shudder as I type.

Robby’s final date is first, and for the first time, I notice that he has absolutely no butt. I remember having that revelation about Olivia last season, too. How do they hide the pancake for so long??

He’s moved from Joelle to just Jo. God forbid he call her by the name she actively chose to go by when giving her name to producers last season.

Jo, not to be confused with her dad named Joe or her other boyfriend Jo[rdan], takes Robby to the beach for a day of Yib Yabbing by land and sea.

This whole season, I’ve been trying to figure out if her perfect boobs are real. Finally, I’m given a side angle as she takes off her cover-up that helps me ultimately conclude that they are– I regret to say– fake. But major props to her surgeon. Excellent work.

Robby tells JoJo that he imagines their future together, sitting on a comfy couch, cuddling their nonexistent dog, listening to their nonexistent toddlers play in the other room (poor parenting), and forgetting to pull the meatloaf out of the oven. (He literally said every single one of those things.) Ah, the simple life!

JoJo looks horrified.

Robby’s incessant gushing to the camera about his confidence in JoJo is way too obvious. Your reverse psychology is uncreative, Editing Team. Next year, do the same thing, except let the person who is overly excited and confident actually win. Now that would be a twist!

That evening, JoJo and Robby hang out in his hotel room, which is an excellent opportunity for Robby to wear hotel slippers, which are his favorite. Remember when he wore them in public, on the bus ride to somewhere in South America? Anyway, my husband stole a pair of his own from our honeymoon resort, which have been in the outside pocket of my suitcase since last December, so he decided to break them out in honor of Robby’s soon-to-be broken heart.

slippers

Follow me on Snapchat, kids! @shannythegranny

JoJo tells Robby that she’s amazed at how she met someone who has never made her question his feelings or intentions. Uh, girl, the last two episodes completely revolved around you wondering if Robby was over his ex-girlfriend. How quickly we forget Last Week in the Bachelor time capsule!

Robby pulls out some printed photos (how retro!) of him and JoJo, taken earlier in the season. Do they have Walgreens One Hour Photo in Thailand? Props to the producer who spent at least an hour of his/her life making these pictures happen.

They reminisce. The only thing worth noting is JoJo’s white shorts peeking out beneath her flowey top. I see you, little ones!

The next day, after sleeping in her lucky white jorts, JoJo throws on a different shirt and meets Jordan on a pier. They board a fancy-looking pirate ship with no sails, then kayak (fully clothed…so odd) through some caves to a private beach. Definitely bougier than the standard resort beach where she talked about meatloaf with Robby.

Editors try to convince us it’s not going well by cutting out any background music (silence is always awkward) and showing brief shots of JoJo squinting at the ocean. But as soon as she head butts/nudges Jordan’s face with her face, I know it’s a done deal. I do that to my husband at least once a day. Nuzzles are way more intimate than kisses.

Real quick, I just want to say that this is the same cave-beach where Sean Lowe took Crazy Ashlee way back when most of you were still in middle school. Producers made Ashlee and Sean swim through the shadowed waters– no fancy kayak provided. That’s back when Bachelor(ette)s had to be brave. At least one bungee jump per season.

JoJo finally takes off her cover up (!!) to confront Jordan about why he didn’t ask her dad for her hand. He explains his valid reasoning that it’s weird to ask the parents for permission when the parents don’t even know if their daughter is in love with him…because the daughter hasn’t told him that she is.

JoJo says it doesn’t matter how she feels about him, because he should ask for the blessing based solely on his own feelings.

JoJo, that’s not how this works.

Just FYI, my husband asked my dad while wearing a t-shirt with a shark eating a scuba diver on it. Sometimes, the way you envision certain scenarios simply don’t play out as planned.

JoJo thinks Jordan isn’t serious about marrying her since he didn’t ask her father. Jordan is 100% serious and 100% loves her and 100% won’t propose unless she tells him he’s The One and 100% might change his mind if that’s the only way to make her happy.

That night, Jordan promises her he’ll propose no matter what. This makes JoJo happy.

Her blue jorts are throwing me off.

It’s now 9:20 p.m., and both final dates are over. I brace myself for 40 minutes of tears and “I don’t know what to do!!!!”

At 9:22, my T.V. goes blank.

I take the opportunity to sip some of my Sauv Blanc. It’ll come back on in a second. Chris Harrison will apologize for the technical difficulties, and I won’t miss a thing.

9:23: I change the channel to see if it’s my cable or if it’s an issue with ABC. It’s just an issue with ABC.

9:23.50: I text 4 of my friends, including my dad, to ask if their ABC channel is out. It’s not.

9:24: All hell breaks loose. I grab the bottle of wine, my computer, and a to-go cup, and sprint out of my house to go see if the T.V. at my dad’s house works. As seen on my Snapchat:

wine spill


Click for FINAL VIDEO RESPONSE, since I can’t seem to embed it like the last one.

You also deserve to see this screenshot of frantic texts to my father, who was out of town and watching the show with my Bachelor-fan aunt and co.:

dad text

 

Upon my first text saying “is your TV out?”, my friend Maggie immediately starts videoing her television with her camera and sending me snippets of what I missed. This is a true friend, people.

From what I gather, all I missed was Jordan picking out a pretty ring and Robby picking out an ugly ring. Jordan called JoJo’s dad to ask for belated permission, and her parents gave it to him. Both guys get ready to propose by wearing nothing but a towel on their balconies, and lint rolling their matching blue suits.

9:34: My marriage is strained, but Aaron finally gets my dad’s T.V. working with the help of my stepmom on the phone, who I’m pretty sure heard me yell a curse word. I’d like to publicly apologize to her.

9:35: My husband pours me a glass of wine, then silently puts on his headphones and won’t look at me for 15 minutes.

9:36: I watch two feet step out of a black SUV, revealing flamboyant socks and the calves of a former competitive swimmer who always skipped leg day.

Yep, Robby is first to arrive at the engagement scene, which means he’s about to get dumped.

Chris Harrison greets him in a horrible pea-greenish, grayish suit that directly clashes with the palm trees. I expected more from you, Chris.

Robby walks along the makeshift path to the beach, which is just 3 different 12×12 floorboards an intern found behind an abandoned store in Phuket. Each floorboard is decorated with freshly painted jars and polished tree trunks wrapped in Mexican-inspired fabric, even though they’re in Thailand. The most decorated floorboard is the one holding JoJo, and even includes two sideways canoes filled with exotic greenery and disease.

JoJo wears a gown with no front, as it should be. It’s the updated version of the light pink dress she wore during last year’s finale.

Robby spills his heart to her in his matching pink tie, choosing to ignore the fact that she looks like she’s about to cry and/or slap him out of it. She stops him before he gets down on one knee, and tells him she fell in love with him, but her heart is somewhere else. A sentence that makes no sense, since we all only have one heart.

He pretends to be sad, but keeps telling her all he wants is for her to be happy. With not so much as a hesitation, he gets into his SUV, dabs the nonexistent tears from his eyes, and starts imagining his life as the next Bachelor. Little does he know that Luke already has that gig on lock, so he’ll have to settle for free sunglasses from DIFF Eyewear and a lifetime supply of flat tummy tea.

JoJo is way more distraught about dumping Robby than Robby is. She sobs for a solid 20 minutes before remembering how much she likes Jordan and promptly marching off to her beloved 12×12 platform on the beach.

Jordan arrives in a less flamboyant version of Robby’s outfit. Regular socks and a blue tie. Chris Harrison gives him a hearty slap on the back as he makes his way to his designated floorboard. That’s always a good sign.

He begins making a speech to JoJo about how she’s his best friend. Before he gets down on one knee, she stops him and tells him that she’s in love with him! You’re right, Jordan, you should know that minor detail before you propose!

jojo jordan proposal

He then proposes, they say “I love you” a million times, and they take their place with champagne glasses in front of the perfect sunset. No riding off on an elephant like Sean’s season in Thailand. This is some low budget stuff, but JoJo and Jordan don’t care because they finally found someone as good-looking and charismatic as themselves.

Congrats, you two! I don’t think anyone has particularly high hopes for your future, but I will be pleasantly surprised if we get to watch you wed on television in a year! As Chris Harrison so unabashedly admitted during After the Final Rose, we all hope Aaron Rodgers will be in attendance.

And just like that, this season is over.

See you…TOMORROW for the Bachelor in Paradise 3 Premier Recap! Be sure to watch it tonight!

Oh, and here’s all you need to know about After the Final Rose:

  • Robby got veneers to match Luke
  • Chad wants to be The Bachelor
  • Jordan and JoJo are still together, though JoJo doesn’t look thrilled
  • They are moving in together in Dallas
  • JoJo has not yet met Aaron Rodgers

 

Whew. And I’m done.