I think a part of me hopes during every Men/Women Tell All episode that the Bachelor(ette) will tell the guys that (s)he is no longer with the (wo)man (s)he chose, and now (s)he wants to get back together with #3 or 4.

That never happens. Which explains why I’m disappointed Every. Single. Time.

The good news is that we have a very eloquent Bachelorette this season, so she was actually able to explain herself really well to the men. I was relatively satisfied.

But before any formal explanations, we get glimpses of the rejected men “behind the scenes” before the Men Tell All taping begins. Some are milling about the parking lot outside of the studio, a few of them are chatting in a Victorian-era green room, and Chad is whistling as he makes his way to his very own trailer, complete with a gold star and his name.

Obviously, that was Chris Harrison’s trailer, and they let Chad use it as a prop for about 4 seconds of filming– just long enough to score a few bites of another uncooked, whole sweet potato. Chris is a generous man.

A producer yells at the studio audience to take their seats as we get to see camera men scrambling to set up their equipment. Wow! It’s like we’re all there in person!

Last night was Chris Harrison’s birthday, and as he comes out to officially kick things off, I’m pretty sad for him that no one thought ahead to wish him a happy birthday. Someone should’ve figured out that this whole shabang would air on his Special Day. HBD, Chris! What are you now, like, 75?

Chris, donning a dark purple tie and light purple shirt– looking like the pulled-together dad that he is, tells the audience that JoJo is down to her final two suitors, who are TOTAL opposites.

Um. What juice are you drinkin’, Chris? To be completely honest, I can’t even be certain that I know which of her Final 4 are now her Final 2.

final 4

No denying this girl likes exactly one flavor.

We then get an extended trailer for Bachelor in Paradise 3, which looks like the best thing to come to television in a longgggg time. We should start taking bets on who murders someone first: Jubilee or Chad. $50 that Ashley with the eyelashes will remain a virgin. $25 Nick dumps Amanda because she has kids.

After that glorious teaser, we’re gifted with a clip of Bachelorette Kaitlyn passing down a pair of granny panties to JoJo. Tradition for the Bachelorettes to wear them in the Fantasy Suite! Don’t worry, they’ve been washed!

Honestly, if any ladies out there sleep in anything other than full bottom underwear, I am concerned for your health.

I’m not even going to get into my thoughts on the commercial during which the Twins from last season pretend that they don’t know what an avocado is.

Reading that back, I’m never not amazed by the sentences I get to write during these recaps.

The men are finally introduced, and it looks like Evan decided to get Jordan, Robby, Luke, and Chase’s haircut! It actually looks very good. Smart choice, Evan.

Here is the audience scream-o-meter for the last 5 men introduced (1-10; 10 being loudest):

Wells: 8

James Taylor: 9

Lord Farquaad Alex: 2 (awkward…)

Chase: 9

Luke: 10

THE BACHELORETTE - "The Men Tell All" - It's an exciting, unpredictable reunion viewers won't want to miss as the most memorable bachelors from this season - including Alex, Chad, Chase, Christian, Daniel, Derek, Evan, Grant, James Taylor, Luke and Wells - return to confront each other and JoJo one last time on national television to dish the dirt and tell their side of the story. A first look at the third season of ABC's highly anticipated hot summer series "Bachelor in Paradise" will be featured, along with a preview of the explosive final days of JoJo's journey to find love, on "The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All," as "The Bachelorette" two-night special event concludes, TUESDAY, JULY 26 (8:00-10:00 p.m. EDT), on the ABC Television Network. (ABC/Byron Cohen) LUKE PELL, JAMES SPADAFORE, GRANT KEMP, CHASE MCNARY, ALEX WOYTKIW, ALI ZAHIRI, JAMES TAYLOR, BRANDON HOWELL, WELLS ADAMS, CHRISTIAN BISHOP, EVAN BASS, NICK BENVENUTTI, VINCENT VENTIERA, DEREK PETH, JAMES FUERTES, DANIEL MAGUIRE, JOHN HAMILTON

Luke was introduced last, even though Chase technically finished “ahead” of him, which means he’s currently the #1 choice to be the next Bachelor. I am not mad at that.

Chad doesn’t get a seat among the men, presumably because they couldn’t find any security guards strong enough to actually stop a brawl if needed.

Before Chad takes the Hot Seat, we get yet another video montage, this time of every scene this season that JoJo slowly peeled off her clothes to reveal her perfect rack in a bikini. I was simultaneously pissed at the blatant misogyny and very visually pleased. JoJo’s hotness transcends sexual orientation, which helps me better understand the internal battle upstanding men must feel on a daily basis.

The montage eventually morphs into a collection of different fights from this season, beginning with the ones revolving around Chad, and ending with the ones involving Alex (so, all of them). Naturally, this led to a conversation about Alex as soon as the clip ended.

Saint Nick: “Alex, you’re obviously an instigator and a manipulator.”

Alex: *mumble mumble mumble*

Wells: “We should all honor Alex as a war hero. He’s lived the majority of his adult life in conflict, so he’s just used to being part of it.”

Luke: “Well, I was in the military, too…*thunderous applause for the next Bachelor*…so, yeah, the origin of being a young marine is fight or flight, but when you get older, you can decide to handle yourself in a different way.”

Luke! Luke! Luke! Luke!

Alex decides that the best way to prove he’s learning how to be mature and fight off his severe Napoleon Complex is to start attacking Derek again. Some kids just never learn.

All the guy roll their eyes and continue to tell Alex he’s an angry elf.

elf

Eventually, they start talking about Chad, referring to him as everything from Donald Trump to Lord Voldemort. I kind of love this group of men.

Chris Harrison jumps on this opportunity to invite Chad to the Hot Seat.

Chad emerges from backstage, wearing all black like the antagonist he is, and periodically pulling out slices bologna from the chest pocket of his blazer to enjoy while he listens to Chris Harrison’s questions.

I’m not joking.

If any of you think that Chad’s the only “real” one for calling out the rest of the guys for being on the show for “media attention,” please explain to me how him eating deli meat from his blazer and making out with not one, but TWO of the other guys’ exes once he got off the show is not the MOST media hungry behavior of them all.

We all already knew that Chad hooked up with Robby’s ex after the show, because it’s all over Instagram. Tonight, we learn that he also hooked up with Grant’s ex, who apparently also claimed that Grant broke up with her to find fame on The Bachelorette. Most of you won’t even remember who Grant is (The Chin), so I’m confused as to why Chad would waste his time on him. No one cares. (Sorry, Grant.) But Chad is fully of mystery and evil, so perhaps there’s something deeper at play here.

Every time a guy tries to tell Chad that he’s a ‘roid rage meanie, Chad says, “Careful, I’ve got dirt on you.” Like, how much time has this guy spent researching these guys? He cray.

Saint Nick stands up, takes off his jacket, and tells Chad that if he wants to punch someone so bad, come and get him. I’m sure words like “Let’s go!” and “Meet me outside” were thrown around, but I was too busy looking at Chris Harrison’s very amused face to fully listen to the fighting words.

chris harrison

“Don’t laugh don’t laugh don’t laugh. Be professional.”

Daniel the Lambo (and Canadian) pipes in with the first funny thing he’s ever said: “Typical Americans. Always resorting to violence.”

Chad doesn’t take Saint Nick up on his offer, because AND I QUOTE, “We probably shouldn’t fight in dress shoes. It’s going to look stupid because we’ll both fall down. Think about what youre saying.”

All in all, Chad’s time in the Hot Seat was everything you’d expect. The only thing left unresolved is whether or not Evan will ever get a new shirt.

Oh, wait, I forgot my favorite Chad line. When someone brought up his threat to go find Jordan at his house after the show stopped filming, Chad said, “Hey, I never said what I’d do at his house! Maybe I’d bring him some candy!”

Or this gem, in response to Chris Harrison asking if he has any regrets about making some of the threats he did: “Sometimes you choose apples when you should’ve chose pickles.”

CHAD YOU’RE A MANIAC.

chad meat

Chris Harrison wraps up the Chad Show with a ballsy question that only a serious host like Oprah or maybe Maury should ever ask: “Chad, your mom died 6 months before filming. What would she think of your actions?”

Chris, are you trying to get your head bashed in?

Chad said his mom would’ve thought his behavior was hilarious.

Chris wisely moves on to the next segment.

Next up in the Hot Seat: Luke!

Luke is wearing his usual uniform: A picnic table cloth and very narrow pants. I’d be lying if I said he didn’t look really, really attractive.

Luke gives his spiel about how he was shocked JoJo sent him home, but how her happiness is the most important thing to him– which is how he knows he truly loves her! He still loves her. But he’s also ready to find new love since JoJo helped him open up his heart again.

The whole thing screamed make me The Bachelor.

Chris Harrison takes a few minutes to play up Luke’s military history– the angle they’ll definitely take with him next season. To my knowledge, there’s never been a military Bachelor. The time is now.

CH also alludes to the possibility of Luke’s Bachelor future with this final question, “Are you ready for love again? …If you get that opportunity, you’ll take it…?”

Luke pretends to think Chris is just talking about the opportunity to say “I love you” to whatever random girl he meets and dates in his hometown next, and he says “Yes, I’d let her know she’s it.”

Not what he was getting at, Luke. You know it, and I know it.

luke abs

Raise your hand if you vote Luke for Bachelor.

Next up to campaign for the Bachelor slot: Chase!

Chase, too, explains his reaction to getting dumped by JoJo, but says she helped him become more comfortable expressing his feelings, so he has no regrets.

Only a guy who wants to become the next Bachelor publicly pats himself on the back for being good at expressing feelings.

Chase gets half the time in the Campaign Podium Hot Seat as Luke, which is further evidence that Mike Fleiss has already made up his mind.

Finally, JoJo takes the stage! She’s wearing a pumpkin orange, skintight mini dress that doesn’t show her boobs (womp), but does have cold shoulder cut outs. She looks great, because duh.

Chris asks her how she’s doing, to which she half-heartedly replies, “I’m doing okay. I’m doing…good.”

Not exactly a response that screams, “I’m happily in love and in hiding with the man of my dreams, who I picked at the end of the season and you’ll find out who he is next week!!”

Poor JoJo. She shouldn’t have done all her thinking with her lady parts.

Luke asks her why she dumped him, she gives a boring (though eloquent) explanation, and then Luke proceeds to tell her how much he still adores her. She looks a bit forlorn, probably regretting her choice to send him home because now she’s sad and lonely and not dating a semi-famous former football player.

Chase and JoJo have the same conversation they had on the bench when he interrupted the rose ceremony in Thailand. Yawn.

Chad gets his chance to say something to JoJo, and this is what he went with: “I wish you didn’t listen to all the guys [what they said about me], but it was great to meet you. I do wish you the best of luck. I mean, we all know that Robby broke up with his girlfriend [that I’ve now hooked up with, too] to be on the show, and we all know Jordan is a liar and cheater whose older brother wont even talk to him….so I do wish you the best with your endeavors.”

Chris Harrison slowly looks to JoJo for a response, and JoJo openly says that she’s about to go off on him.

jojo hot seat

Alex yells, “Do it!” because he is addicted to conflict, despite the intervention earlier in the night.

JoJo says that she won’t waste her breath giving Chad the attention he’s so clearly looking for.

This sassy response prompts a Standing O from the rest of the guys.

Then, half of the dumpees each get 15 seconds to tell JoJo how much they all still revere her. While Vinny is expressing his admiration, his mother stands up in the audience and starts yelling at JoJo that she made mistake by not choosing her son.

Vinny doesn’t even look phased. Pretty sure he’s been dealing with his embarrassing mother for far too long to even notice anymore. JoJo thinks it’s hilarious, and assures Mom that she’s totally right, and that she probably made a big mistake by not choosing Vinny, who she describes as “my best friend in the house.”

God, she is so perfect and charming.

Chris Harrison presents his closing question for JoJo: “Are you happy?”

When he asked Ben this exact question during Women Tell All last season, Ben practically exploded with glee, gushing that he’s never been more in love and he can’t wait for the world to see who he chose.

JoJo’s response is…less convincing. She says, “I’m very happy. I’m happy with how things ended and where I’m at right now.”

Yikes.

Teasers for the finale next week show JoJo dumping a guy in a navy blue suit, saying, “This whole time, I wanted it to be you.” She wanted it to be Jordan this entire time, so I think it’s him who gets the boot. BUT, since the teasers make me think it’s him, I’m now 99.99% sure it’s Robby. Can’t fool me, editors!

Just like this week, next week requires two recaps, as well, since we have the finale on Monday and the BIP 3 premier on Tuesday. If you enjoy these recaps, please find me on Venmo and send $$ for Starbucks. I’ll need a lot of soy chai lattes get through such a recap-heavy time in my life.